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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why did I look - I have opened pandora's box.

158 replies

KaySamuels · 18/01/2008 23:32

Looked at DP's history on the computer tonight and really wisj I hadn't.

He is registered on an amateur porn site, he has picks of himself, a different email account, has been posting and reading messages. In his profile says he is bi seeking a bloke.

Feel sick and don't know what to do.
Couldn't be bothered to name change but really think I should. Keep looking at ds asleep on the sofa and just want to cry.

He has done something very simialr before and I buried my head in the sand. Feel such a fool.

OP posts:
Whooosh · 19/01/2008 00:04

It's the lying and deceit that hurts more-I know.
Just wish I had more concrete advice for you-understanding pain sin't really much help is it.......?

Jackstini · 19/01/2008 00:04

That is pretty bad then KS - how long have you known? Was it before you were living together/pg?
I think you need some tie out to decide what you want to do. Certainly don't leave - it is your ds's home and if anything, dp should leave. When is he due home?

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:04

It is his home. The mortgage is in his name so he wouldn't lose anything if we ever broke up!

If he doesn't want to do anything about it does that make it any better? He has set up a different email account to cover it up, he must know it would hurt me or he wouldn't have done it.

OP posts:
Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:05

Do you now trust your prtner again though whoosh? Right now I can't imagine getting past this.

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Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:06

He is due home when he gets home. I usually go to bed early, he will come home when he and his mate have drank their beer.

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clam · 19/01/2008 00:08

Hmmmn... I see. Think i was clutching at straws on your behalf. Would you say that the relationship is good in all other respects? I'm wondering why he would exclude you from the mortgage in case you break up.....

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:08

We hadn't been together long when we moved in, and tbh I was relieved not be thrown in at the deep end, am 8 years younger than him, and certainly wasn't ready for a mortgage.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 19/01/2008 00:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:10

He was with his mother of his two older boys and they split up and he left the house, he then had a fiance who left him for his childhood friend and lost another home in the breakup. I could/can understand why, we moved in 6 years ago, wasn't so much of an issue.

If we can't work it out I wouldn't want to stay anyway. It is just bricks and mortar.

OP posts:
madamez · 19/01/2008 00:11

Not excusing what he may have done, but are many of the people close to you (both) homophobic? Because, while it's perfectly possible for a bisexual individual to fall monogamosly in love and remain monogamous, someone who's a bit conflicted about it might need a safety valve of this kind of fantasy activity without ever intending to do anything more than fantasize (and would feel, perhaps, that it's not the same as fantasising about or contacting other women).

mattersnot · 19/01/2008 00:11

KS very sorry for you hope some good can come out of this. FWIW I'm pretty sure leaving your name off the mortgage doesn't 'work' should you separate presuming you have lived there as your home and contributed in other ways financially. Think you might need to go to CAB BEFORE you leave (if that's what you decide to do). Maybe relate too if he's willing.
Also are you a CM? if so do you have any evidence of tax deducting things like bills, mortgage? if so proof that you contribute financially should some be needed.

MaureenMLove · 19/01/2008 00:12

Oh god Kay! I don't know what to say, but I'm a good listener. Here or anywhere else.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:12

How would I be able to trust him cod?
He has proven he is tempted by messaging people behind my back??

I don't want to leave. I want to think of my little boy and sort this out. My head is a mess and my thoughts are just whirling around confusing me.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 19/01/2008 00:13

Message withdrawn

clam · 19/01/2008 00:13

What Madamez says is quite right. Would it make any difference to you?

Jackstini · 19/01/2008 00:13

Think you need to deal with this when he gets home, but when he is not drunk.
See if there is any way you can get a bit of sleep, then can someone have ds while you talk to him in the morning?
Look him in the eye and make him tell you where he thinks the relationship is going, what he wants and where you stand. Then you take some time out and see what you want going forward.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:14

THanks MML I am so embarassed.

OP posts:
llareggub · 19/01/2008 00:14

Despite the presence of his pics on dating sites, being bi does not necessarily mean he would be unfaithful. Have you any other suspicions of physical unfaithfulness?

Whooosh · 19/01/2008 00:15

Cod has never spoken a truer word

However,my situation was not exactly the same but I too,could not imagine a way back-I am not very forgiving
After much talking,weighing up of what we had together and what it wold mean to just give it up etc (14yrs) we managed to give it another go.
I am still wary,not totally trusting but life is better.
The biggest thing for me was having to admit that my behavour was part of the reason fopr DP's behavour[tough emoticon]

DaDaDa · 19/01/2008 00:16

That's good advice from Jackstini. Hope you can sort things out in a way that works for you and your DS.

clam · 19/01/2008 00:16

Look, you only just found this out tonight. So of course you're all over the place. It's going to take a while to sink in, plus you have to talk to him. Whilst it'd be very hard to sit on this one, I'm not sure attempting to talk to him when he's had a skinful of beer is a good plan.

MaureenMLove · 19/01/2008 00:17

Mate, don't be embarrassed. For a start, what's in this thread, stays in this thread. I would never, ever mention it anywhere else.

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:17

You are right, you are all right. I am just so upset. Will use your convo jackstini. Trouble is I am not good at confrontation and usually dissolve into tears.

Before we got together we both worked in a very rough pub and it wasn't until we got together that everyone came up to him and said 'oh I always thought you were gay'. I had forgotten about that until now.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 19/01/2008 00:18

Message withdrawn

Original poster
KaySamuels · 19/01/2008 00:19

I don't care mml, may need staffroom support anyhow. It's not like I am gonna be bumping into you in the corner shop!

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