Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not ready to get married

130 replies

Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 21:56

We have been together 4 years, engaged for 6 months. I want to get married next year as my mum is unwell and I don’t want her to be too poorly or worse. DP insists we get married in 3 years time because he’s not ready now.
He has form for saying he’ll do stuff at some later date and then when that time comes quicker than he realised, backing out.
He says we can’t afford to get married next year but it’s him that wants a big wedding, I’m not interested in all the fuss I just want my family there.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2022 21:59

Why did he get engaged if he didn’t want to marry you?! How weird, confusing and annoying.

I don’t want to stick the boot in but it looks a lot like he doesn’t want to marry you and won’t. The big wedding and cost are obvious red herrings.

If he never wants to marry you do you want to stay with him?

yonce · 27/07/2022 22:00

I mean, my head is wondering why he proposed if he isn't ready to get married? That's bonkers to me, surely he's proposing marriage not anything else!

Regularsizedrudy · 27/07/2022 22:01

So basically he proposed to shut you up? Hmmm not great

PersonaNonGarter · 27/07/2022 22:03

he’s just not that into you

Fenella123 · 27/07/2022 22:08

He has form for saying he’ll do stuff at some later date and then when that time comes quicker than he realised, backing out

And when this happens, does he eventually do whatever it is, or does he stay backed out?
This is kind of important. If he just has an annoying habit of being Mr Cold Feet but comes good in the end, that's one thing. If, on the other hand, he's Mr "say anything for a quiet life but doesn't mean it really"...well. That's another.

Look, if I'd said to my OH,
"Mum's not got all that long left, I want her to be at my wedding and I DON'T mean in a box of ashes, we're booking a date now"
He would have opened and closed his mouth a bit and then gone,
"Ok then!"
because he's a good man who loves me

Delaying a wedding potentially until after the bride's Mum dies is a bit of a deal-breaker IMHO and I am not a romantic soul at all!

MrsGluck · 27/07/2022 22:09

Sorry but it sounds like he doesn't want to be married.

Why is he 'not ready'? What does he need to do to get ready? It doesn't make any sense.

Ginger1982 · 27/07/2022 22:09

He doesn't want to marry you - sorry 😕

2pinkginsplease · 27/07/2022 22:16

Why did he ask if he wasn’t ready?

I know if my mum was unwell dh would do anything to get her to our wedding, he’s being a bit selfish.

trevthecat · 27/07/2022 22:18

He doesn't want to marry you. Sorry but it's that simple

lamaze1 · 27/07/2022 22:21

Sorry to be blunt but he isn't sure about you and is buying time.

Reading between the lines, could he have proposed to "keep you quiet" and stop you from walking away? If he wasn't ready, proposing to you was cruel imo.

How old are you? Do you want kids? Either way, after 4 years I wouldn't be waiting for another 3 years (7 in total). There is no guarantee he will be "ready". I'd be seriously considering ending the relationship and moving on.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2022 22:24

He is being crystal clear, op, but you're not paying attention. This man has absolutely no intention of marrying you. His excuse of wanting a big wedding is nothing but bullshit, and if you don't wise up he is going to string you along for years and years.

I'd be swiftly moving on if I were you.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2022 22:26

He has form for saying he’ll do stuff at some later date and then when that time comes quicker than he realised, backing out.

Did you read what you wrote? You already know who this man is. He's all talk and no action and that's isn't changing.

Goesbothways · 27/07/2022 22:30

It's always the same, the reluctant man's excuse is that he wants a big wedding hence has to defer as can't afford it yet. In reality, of those I was close to when they got married, not one man actively wanted a big wedding.

Did you push for an engagement OP?

Sideorderofchips · 27/07/2022 22:33

He doesn't want to get married

Original poster
Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 22:45

I didn’t push no, but I told him I’d like to get married and then left him when he cheated on me. He said he was sorry and didn’t want to lose me and wanted to spend his life with me and asked me to marry him, so I said yes and other than the actually wedding he has been making more of an effort with my DC etc.
But we also argued when I asked for a key to his house (and offered my spare key) when I was left outside waiting for him to return and he said no and said he’d give me one in 3 years.

OP posts:
StrangeCondition · 27/07/2022 22:46

Oh dear, you should have left after the cheating. He doesn't want to marry you op

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 27/07/2022 22:51

He cheated and thought asking to,marry would be easier than doing the work he needs to do on himself .
Don't marry him. Open your eyes.

Wombat27A · 27/07/2022 22:52

He's not going to marry you & tbh, he's not really a catch. Chuck him back in the pond.

2pinkginsplease · 27/07/2022 22:53

Wow that update really shows what he is like.

he doesn’t want to marry you or make a commitment to you either.
he cheated, says things that you want to hear, proposed under false pretences and won’t show commitment regarding the house,

time to move on and find someone who loves you.

WidgetDigit2022 · 27/07/2022 22:55

Sinking ship I'm afraid.

He proposed because he saw it as an easy way back to you. Not because he wants to marry you.

He's already cheated and is showing you he has no intention to commit to you.

So, with all the kindness, what are you actually expecting? You know he cheats on you. And you know he doesn't want to live with you or marry you. So what do you actually think a wedding with solve?

You're wasting your time with this one.

Doyoumind · 27/07/2022 22:58

End this relationship. He doesn't see a future in it and you shouldn't either. And why would you if he's cheated on you? You are settling for shit. Don't. There's nothing positive in what you've said about this relationship.

whatever1980 · 27/07/2022 23:00

He won't give you a key to his house? A key??! Jesus Christ

He's not going to marry you.

Do you want to marry him? Really??!

calmlakes · 27/07/2022 23:01

OP find a bloke who doesn't cheat on you and actively wants to marry you.
This one is a sorry excuse.

Fancydancer1934 · 27/07/2022 23:02

Hi OP - reading your post reminds me of my ex SIL who some thirty years ago had a DS and wanted to marry her partner. He duly proposed and she wanted to set the date. He was evasive - and when pushed - I shit you not - said "well I think we would be better spending the money in getting a garage built first".

They did not marry. He has since married someone else. She did not. I guess he found someone who was more important than the garage. I think men are fairly clear cut - if they want to, they will.

billy1966 · 27/07/2022 23:02

You are wasting your time.

He sounds absolutely awful and are being strung along.