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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP not ready to get married

130 replies

Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 21:56

We have been together 4 years, engaged for 6 months. I want to get married next year as my mum is unwell and I don’t want her to be too poorly or worse. DP insists we get married in 3 years time because he’s not ready now.
He has form for saying he’ll do stuff at some later date and then when that time comes quicker than he realised, backing out.
He says we can’t afford to get married next year but it’s him that wants a big wedding, I’m not interested in all the fuss I just want my family there.

OP posts:
PearPickingPorky · 27/07/2022 23:03

OK. OP, you know this is Bad. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know here.

Google the Sunk Costs Fallacy.

crosstalk · 27/07/2022 23:03

Just back out now. He's cheated, he doesn't want you to have a key to his house, he's talking about three years time when you're happy with a small wedding so your mum can be there.

HollowTalk · 27/07/2022 23:06

Oh come on, he's cheated on you and thinks that he's pacifying you with a proposal except there isn't going to be a marriage?

Have a good long think about this. This really isn't a man who is going to make you happy.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2022 23:08

I'm sorry to say this, but your standards are literally in the gutter. This man is absolute shit and you want to marry him?

lamaze1 · 27/07/2022 23:11

He said what he knew he wanted you to hear to stop you walking away. He is dangling a carrot that he has no intention of handing over. Seriously he has already cheated and after 3 years won't give you a key? He is 100% wasting your time. Walk away, grieve the relationship you though you had and find someone worthy of you and your dc.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/07/2022 23:15

Your update is pretty awful. Why would you even want to marry him? Thankfully it’s clearly not going to happen. Why do you think so very poorly of yourself woman?

ShandaLear · 27/07/2022 23:16

Why the hell do you want to marry him? He’s cheated on you and clearly doesn’t want to marry you. Let me guess why he’s still there - you cook for him and do his washing.

SliceOfCakeCupOfTea · 27/07/2022 23:19

How would he react to a large, non-refundable deposit being out down on a date for 2 years time and a safe the date being sent out as a compromise? If no then he doesn't want to marry you

MrsSales · 27/07/2022 23:21

Good GOD. Don’t marry him

leave him

the wise old words “he’s just not that into you” spring to mind

godmum56 · 27/07/2022 23:22

usual question from me I am afraid....why do you stay?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/07/2022 23:27

Hang on a minute. He cheated on you and you’re still with him, hoping he might marry you ‘in 3years’?

Wake up, please.

nbrown2022x · 27/07/2022 23:36

Oh so sorry OP. It does appear that he's only proposed just to keep you sweet after the cheating. When you propose, you propose marriage, not in "maybe three years" that's crazy!

I suggest you have a think about things!

Xx

Suprima · 27/07/2022 23:37

You’re not engaged

you got a ‘shut up ring’

he doesn’t want to marry you. Why do you want to marry a cheat who doesn’t care about your mum’s health. Surely you are not that desperate?

spanishsummers · 27/07/2022 23:37

Keep looking!

Original poster
Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 23:47

DD has been struggling and he’s really stepped up and been a big emotional support recently so that’s why I didn’t leave when we argued about the key.
He obviously isn’t at same place as me in terms of commitment but after 4 years what would change in 3 more?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2022 23:48

He won't give you a key because he's shagging other women. You realise that, right?

Think about your kids. This is the example you want to set for them?

Fancydancer1934 · 27/07/2022 23:54

Yep.

IrisVersicolor · 27/07/2022 23:57

If he doesn’t want to marry you after 4 years, he doesn’t want to marry you full stop.

Why you’d want to marry a cheat is perplexing.

britneyisfree · 28/07/2022 01:14

You aren't engaged hun and he probably won't ever marry you. Flowers

MintJulia · 28/07/2022 01:20

Ginger1982 · 27/07/2022 22:09

He doesn't want to marry you - sorry 😕

This. He bought you a ring to keep you quiet.

EmmaH2022 · 28/07/2022 01:25

Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 23:47

DD has been struggling and he’s really stepped up and been a big emotional support recently so that’s why I didn’t leave when we argued about the key.
He obviously isn’t at same place as me in terms of commitment but after 4 years what would change in 3 more?

Nothing will change

I am sorry but I suspect the engagement was just to shut you up. Why men like this can't just stay single, I'll never know. I've never given a boyfriend a key to my home but have been 100% honest and up front that I wouldn't do commitment.

(Now I am long term and permanently single.)

anderosonnmj · 28/07/2022 03:47

Why would you want to marry someone who has already cheated on you?

k1233 · 28/07/2022 04:19

I'm afraid he doesn't sound as committed to you as you are to him. I'd give him an ultimatum. Marriage is important to you. You're not prepared to wait for a "maybe". See what he says. If he's not prepared to get married, then it's over.

Topseyt123 · 28/07/2022 04:26

I'd be willing to bet that nothing will change in three more years.

You need to get away from this arsehole. He doesn't really want to marry you and is just stringing you along.

Weatherwax13 · 28/07/2022 04:47

This bloke is leading you a dance. It's good that he's nice to the kids. But what about you??
He cheated.
Gave you an engagement ring but refuses to make marriage plans. Which makes it a big empty gesture.
He doesn't want you to be able to get into his house unannounced. Why's that?
I think you need to open your eyes.

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