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Original poster

DP not ready to get married

130 replies

Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 21:56

We have been together 4 years, engaged for 6 months. I want to get married next year as my mum is unwell and I don’t want her to be too poorly or worse. DP insists we get married in 3 years time because he’s not ready now.
He has form for saying he’ll do stuff at some later date and then when that time comes quicker than he realised, backing out.
He says we can’t afford to get married next year but it’s him that wants a big wedding, I’m not interested in all the fuss I just want my family there.

OP posts:
WhatTAF · 28/07/2022 19:07

Being with someone who doesn’t value you, wrecks your self esteem. You will never feel good enough or special whilst you are with him. If he wanted to marry you, he would. What on earth does he expect to change in 3 years. But why on earth do you want to marry someone so selfish and uncaring anyway. If he had any respect for you he would end the relationship so you could find someone who wanted to marry you. Don’t let him stop you from respecting yourself. Leave. Find someone who adores you.

Govesdancingpartner · 28/07/2022 19:09

Op he cheated and you took him back because he produced a ring.
Are you so desperate to get married that you want to marry this pos.
No key to his house after 4 years, no wedding date, no loyalty. What exactly do you think is so wonderful about this pos.
Leave him, he does not want you op, he is using you until he finds another mug.
Be kind to yourself and dump him

bluegardenflowers · 28/07/2022 19:11

Cocopogo · 27/07/2022 22:45

I didn’t push no, but I told him I’d like to get married and then left him when he cheated on me. He said he was sorry and didn’t want to lose me and wanted to spend his life with me and asked me to marry him, so I said yes and other than the actually wedding he has been making more of an effort with my DC etc.
But we also argued when I asked for a key to his house (and offered my spare key) when I was left outside waiting for him to return and he said no and said he’d give me one in 3 years.

Oh, you poor woman. Just read what you put. Its clear the proposal was to shut down the conversation regarding his cheating and keep you sweet. Not allowing you in his house unsupervised is because he has more nasty secrets. Just walk while you still have your pride. There are better men out there and even if you dont find one, anything is better than this

Lozzerbmc · 28/07/2022 19:46

Horrible for you OP but one thing I know about men is they do what they want to!. So if he is stalling its because he doesnt want to marry you ever.

Also by agreeing to marry him you’ve told him you accept and forgive cheating so you’ll always be wondering what hes up to. Better to dodge the bullet now than pay later with the hassle of divorce.

Original poster
Cocopogo · 29/07/2022 23:15

Just wanted to update. I spoke to him about it and he replied he was tired after a long week at work, I told him I was tired to but wanted to know how he felt. He said he just doesn’t get excited about it and I keep nagging him. Every now and again I keep mentioning the wedding why can’t I just leave it and we’ll talk about it in a years time.
I think that tells me everything I needed to know. Which I already knew and chose to ignore didn’t I.

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 29/07/2022 23:26

Cocopogo · 29/07/2022 23:15

Just wanted to update. I spoke to him about it and he replied he was tired after a long week at work, I told him I was tired to but wanted to know how he felt. He said he just doesn’t get excited about it and I keep nagging him. Every now and again I keep mentioning the wedding why can’t I just leave it and we’ll talk about it in a years time.
I think that tells me everything I needed to know. Which I already knew and chose to ignore didn’t I.

I’m sorry OP. You know what you need to do.

Spohn · 29/07/2022 23:55

You should not want to marry scum. You need to have therapy and do extensive work on yourself to not pass your example on to your kids, imagine them thinking it’s acceptable to be with some bloke who’s a misogynist liar, just to have a boyfriend 🤮🤮🤮

lamaze1 · 30/07/2022 00:07

I'm sorry to say that he is basically trying to keep his options open. You deserve better.

Porkchops22 · 30/07/2022 00:28

So what are you going to do about it?

Original poster
Cocopogo · 31/07/2022 18:10

Yesterday he told me he didn’t mean it and we went to view a pre-booked venue. When she asked what date we had in mind DP told her my date for next year, which they had free, when we got home DP told me we can’t get married next year it’s too soon and we’ll get married in three years.
He’s just messing with me isn’t he.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 31/07/2022 18:18

Cocopogo · 31/07/2022 18:10

Yesterday he told me he didn’t mean it and we went to view a pre-booked venue. When she asked what date we had in mind DP told her my date for next year, which they had free, when we got home DP told me we can’t get married next year it’s too soon and we’ll get married in three years.
He’s just messing with me isn’t he.

Yep he's just stringing you along.
He told her your date and is now backtracking already.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 31/07/2022 18:24

You need to finish this now OP. You deserve more. I read this the other day and only just picked up the update, did I read that he has cheated on you?

Please end it, focus on your mum and your family and yourself.

CantaloupeMelon · 31/07/2022 18:40

FFS! Why would he do that except to be a dick?

EarthSight · 31/07/2022 18:50

He says we can’t afford to get married next year but it’s him that wants a big wedding

I'm sorry OP, but I've seen this so many times on Mumsnet that it deserves its own thread. The man strings the woman along by saying he wants a big wedding, that he wants everything to be perfect (often making his partner feel guilty for questioning him). Then there'll be other reasons he adds to that if it's not enough - work reasons, family reasons, financial reasons.....every reason not to get married when you want to.

But we also argued when I asked for a key to his house (and offered my spare key) when I was left outside waiting for him to return and he said no and said he’d give me one in 3 years

What the actual fuck. When was this? If this was in the last year, when you've already been together for 3 years, then it just says volumes about what he think s of you. He's keeping you at arm's length, and it wouldn't surprise me if he doesn't want to let you in because he's scared you'll discover signs of cheating, given his history.

It sounds like you're Ms Good Enough for Now, and he's stringing you along.

wellhelloitsme · 31/07/2022 19:01

Cocopogo · 31/07/2022 18:10

Yesterday he told me he didn’t mean it and we went to view a pre-booked venue. When she asked what date we had in mind DP told her my date for next year, which they had free, when we got home DP told me we can’t get married next year it’s too soon and we’ll get married in three years.
He’s just messing with me isn’t he.

Sorry OP, yes.

And he'll do this until you either give up (staying with him but forgetting about marriage) or leave him.

He's a prick and a coward who doesn't care about you.

Please don't waste any more time on him.

CPL593H · 31/07/2022 19:10

Please open your eyes and see what everyone else can. He is stringing you along with hypothetical possibilities far in the future and you are letting him. Polish off your self respect and don't waste any more time on the crumbs and false hopes he's giving you, because they are all you're going to get.

RSitf · 31/07/2022 19:27

My ex used to do this re moving in together..yep..not yet..saw I was getting fed up..pulls out the ‘where would you like to live’ convo..reeled back in..and round it went. I’m only disappointed in myself for not walking sooner than I did.
Dont let him treat you like this anymore. What I’m earth goes through their heads at points? Oh I know I’ll fake a potential wedding date to shut her up’
what you do now is what matters..show him you can son without him.

Cimone · 31/07/2022 20:44

Oh no! You got what I call "a shut up ring" designed to stop all nagging about getting married, at least for awhile. But you now want him to move forward, so he knows the jig is up!

lamaze1 · 31/07/2022 21:48

Cocopogo · 31/07/2022 18:10

Yesterday he told me he didn’t mean it and we went to view a pre-booked venue. When she asked what date we had in mind DP told her my date for next year, which they had free, when we got home DP told me we can’t get married next year it’s too soon and we’ll get married in three years.
He’s just messing with me isn’t he.

Yes he is just messing with you.

RandomMess · 31/07/2022 21:55

How nasty of him.

He isn't going to marry you.

Poppyblush · 01/08/2022 07:45

Please leave him. He’s not into you and do you really want to wait for someone who buys you a ring just to shut you up.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 01/08/2022 08:46

Doesn't someone propose because they ARE "ready" to get married? I'm not sure what his game has been all along.

youlightupmyday · 01/08/2022 09:13

Leave. He is being a wanker

oobeedoobee · 01/08/2022 09:25

Yup, it's just a 'shut up' ring, as a side dish to his fake proposal.

No-one 'proposes' unless they are ready to get married.
No-one refuses to even give you a key to his place after 4 fucking YEARS.
No-one goes to view a venue, says a date, then immediately says 'nope, can't !'

No-one NORMAL does all these things, only someone who is pulling out ALL the stops to do the bare MINIMUM required to keep you 'in your box' and 'under control' (for now).

He has zero intention of ever living with you or of marrying you. ZERO.

Dump this tosser, and find yourself someone who actually values you.

Spohn · 01/08/2022 09:34

You don’t seem to be getting anything from the thread. Good luck with your ‘cheating, misogynist crap sex’ boyfriend 🤷‍♀️