DP not ready to get married

[Cocopogo]

We have been together 4 years, engaged for 6 months. I want to get married next year as my mum is unwell and I don’t want her to be too poorly or worse. DP insists we get married in 3 years time because he’s not ready now.
He has form for saying he’ll do stuff at some later date and then when that time comes quicker than he realised, backing out.
He says we can’t afford to get married next year but it’s him that wants a big wedding, I’m not interested in all the fuss I just want my family there.

OP I feel for you but this man doesn't want to marry you. He doesn't sound like he treats you very well, so I would dump him and find someone who will.

He doesn’t want to marry you. Sadly, it’s as simple as that. He’s keeping you dangling until he has a better option.

Be prepared for him to leave and be married to someone else really quickly.

God he’s awful. Seriously, why on earth would you want to marry this man?

You are knowingly settling for a miserable life.

You really don’t want to see it do you OP? He’s stringing you along because you let him and this after cheating, there are no words. Marriage won’t change him if that’s what you’re thinking. Find your self respect and throw this one back.

Good God woman. I thought he was just stalling but the man cheated on you and did a grand gesture straight out of a cheesy romance novel and you fell for it?

Your answer should have been "why the fuck would I want to marry a cheater?"

Why do you want to marry someone who cheated on you?

I've heard it said that if there's no ring and no date there's no engagement.

Now, plenty of people will object to this for one reason or another, but in general it's a good rule of thumb. If you got engaged 6 months ago and he's not willing to set a date... it's not really an engagement (despite the ring).

I agree with PPs that he panicked about being caught cheating and made a big romantic gesture to make sure you stayed.

This isn't someone I'd want to marry. Would you be happy for your daughter to marry such a man? If not, why would you want to settle for less than what you'd want for your daughter?

Your mom will be much happier leaving this world knowing you're happy and content than leaving having seen you in a wedding dress.

Make sure she knows you don't need him around and that you'll be ok.

Yes, I had tried to say this very thing but couldn’t find the right words.

@Cocopogo please consider this very carefully.

There will never be a wedding between you and this man.

Nothing will change in 3 years. I find it amazing that he is able to gauge exactly the amount of time it will take for him to “be ready”. Sounds like it is the maximum amount of time he can say that will stop you walking out the door now.

Find your DD a counsellor or another form of support and move on with your life. It may feel hard but it won’t be any easier in 3 years.

So sorry about your mum 💐

No, he’s not interested, OP, sorry.
He's a git, and you can do way better than this arsehole. He’s keeping you hanging around for his own sake, get out now, don’t waste any more of your precious life with someone like this.
He cheats, he doesn’t trust you enough to give you a key, and he’s not prepared to commit. He doesn’t want a big wedding, that’s just an excuse. He’s not interested, and is keeping you on hold while he looks for something else.
Beat him to it, and get your life back, far away from him.

Is this the man who will take care of you when you are old , vulnerable and dying ( morbid I know ) but it comes to us all in the end so you have to be really sure .Do you think he will take the best care you when you need it most .

He's not worth it. If he wanted to actually marry you he would. Leave and find someone better. The red flags are numerous here.

He's shown you who he is

I think your mum would rather you married the right person or were happy on your own rather than go through a wedding to someone who clearly isn't that bothered about you and cheats.

OP
Him being nice to your kids doesn’t mean he will be a faithful and loyal husband. In fact you know he won’t.

You ALREADY know he doesn’t follow through with his promises.

He has already cheated

As pp said- he is telling you loud and clear how much he values the relationship

So he cheated, you left, he proposed & you said yes?

Why in fuck's name would you do that?

Do you not want better for yourself?

You are wasting your time carrying on this relationship. Split up, recover and move on as otherwise you are going be asking the same questions years later.

I have been with my finance ten years why won’t he marry me?

If he was serious about you and your dc you would be married and living together. An engagement ring is just a piece of jewellery if there is no intention to be married.

He doesn't want to marry you or he would. He asked you to shut you up and give you some pipe dream of 3 years time by then he'll move on or make another excuse.

Sorry to be harsh but he says he wants to marry you but won't give you a key to his house. Hardly the sign of a committed man.

Reading your update I'm not even sure why you'd WANT to marry him OP?

Get rid and raise your bar.

You poor woman. The engagement was his bait to get you back after you left him for cheating. He knew exactly which buttons to push to manipulate you. And you’ve taken it and he’s reeling you in.

I’m usually the one poster who has a more charitable view of people in relationships, but in your case it’s clear he doesn’t want to marry you. He is taking you for granted and taking advantage of your kind and forgiving nature. He won’t even give you a key to his place! That’s really telling that he has no intention of building a life with you. He is just using you I’m afraid.

You deserve someone much better than this. Call off the engagement and get rid of him.

Gosh open your eyes op. What a fool you have been taken for. He cheated on you and doesn't want to marry you. Stop wasting your time and chasing for a marriage.

I’m afraid I have to agree here. He only gave you a key and asked you to marry him to get you back. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Why do you want to marry someone who's cheated on you?

Of course marriages can go wrong, and people sometimes cheat on each other. But if he's done that BEFORE you've got married he's already shown you he can't be trusted and he doesn't value you enough to be faithful to you.

It sounds like he gave you a fake prooposal to wind you back in so you'd take him back, thinking he'd 'changed'. If it was a genuine proposal he'd be keen to set a wedding date, and not 3 years ahead!

He is showing you that he doesn't want commitment. You know he's capable of cheating and lying to you. You could get married next year without it costing lots. EVEN IF he genuinely is keen to have a big fairytale wedding (does that sound like him??!) does he honestly think that his requirement for a big 'do' is more important than your mum being there, and well??? Pretty selfish of him, even if that is true.

But of course it isn't. He's even said he 'isn't ready'. So is that the real reason? Or is it the cost? He can't even get his excuse straight!

Please don't marry this man. Please leave him. He will mess with your head, stringing you along, just saying enough to keep you hanging on. Then one day you'll realise another 5 years have passed and you still aren't married and don't have commitment from him.

You deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you enough to realise your mum being at your wedding is important, someone who doesn't string you along, and lie and cheat.

Why get engaged if he did not want to get married fairly soon after?
why the arbitrary 3 year period?

It sounds like he suggested an engagement just to keep you around and is now stringing you along.

You really don't want to waste more of your time with a man like that. End it and move on.