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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH choked me during fight

357 replies

Ana0404 · 26/07/2022 21:16

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

OP posts:
MsJinks · 27/07/2022 01:40

OP it’s so sad you’re looking at it to find what you’ve done wrong, but you’re conditioned that way. I’ve seen women blame themselves over and over irrationally, one because they bought their partner a beer - clearly their fault that one bought can caused him to jump on their head in the street and beat the kids. It’s really hard to turn that the right way round and truly ‘get’ it’s not you in your belief system. You must go to the counsellor whatever you decide to do in the interim to help your perspective.
It is best and safest, as all bar one PP have said, to leave immediately with your daughter, and I really urge you to do so - it’s not as scary as you think - there’s help out there, it honestly all works out and you’ll sleep better at night and live better by day. Thing is you’ve essentially accepted his shouting, throwing stuff, pushing you and he knows it - he knows he’s in charge - when you didn’t immediately leave after this incident he now knows he’s ok to strangle you. Obviously, he can only kill you once and he’ll find that isn’t so ok for the rest of society but that’s far too late for you and your daughter.
Many PPs relate how things never improved and always deteriorated and I can add my voice to that - I tried so hard to please ex partner in ridiculous sounding ways but what I eventually learned is you never can please them, there’s always some new thing tacked on to the endless to please him list - not that this should ever be a thing in the first place. But just saying that however hard you think you can try you will not ever succeed in changing this person, or this relationship. I guess your daughter also tries to keep him happy for her own sake and yours - she’s soon to be classed as an adult and maybe he’ll feel ok stepping up her punishments then.
Please do take you and your daughter to safety.

ladydoris · 27/07/2022 01:40

You are in a dangerous situation right now, because your eyes are wide opened. Do not show it. Whatever you do do not tell him. Please follow the very sound advice that is on this thread.

Nat6999 · 27/07/2022 01:43

Leave him, next time he might not stop, get out while you can your 'dh' is volatile, this won't end well if you stay. Contact Women's Aid, get everything like birth certificates, passports, driving licence, bank statements etc pack a bag & leave, any problems dial 999. Worry about other belongings & finances etc when you are safe, you can't contact a solicitor if he has done it again & killed you. Tell someone you can trust what he has done in case he turns nasty again before you leave.

user1477249785 · 27/07/2022 01:50

Oh OP. He WILL do it again. They always do. I'm so sorry this has happened. It's hard and leaving will be tough. But you need to take this as seriously as everyone here suggests and not try and convince yourself that it will be ok. It won't. It only gets worse from here. Please please leave.

Salmonellabake · 27/07/2022 02:04

Hi,I’m newly out from similar marriage to yours.I have also been conditioned to believe,I have provoked him,triggered him,done something wrong.That relationship was mutually abusive,because I dared to get angry or stand up for myself.I felt so scared and helpless for very long time.Please think solemnly about yours and your daughters safety.I know the feeling of last thought I have before my husband let go of my throat for the last time.It was my daughter and fear she be left with his fucked up family when I’m gone.I’m sorry for saying that,but your daughter may be his next victim,after he murders you.I hope you will leave this monster and get your life back.You deserve to be respected and loved!I hope you find your new begging without censoring your words and actions and fitting around that sad,pathetic fucker and his moods.

anderosonnmj · 27/07/2022 02:22

An ex did this to me. That was the last time he every put his hands on me.

You need to protect yourself and your daughter. This is a very serious assault. He could have killed you.

DaughterofDawn · 27/07/2022 02:27

Ana0404 · 26/07/2022 21:16

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

My mother is a survivor of abuse and so are myself and my sisters. From my experience when abusers do these things once they are capable of doing it again… and the second time is always worse… much much worse. It might not be tomorrow or next month or even next year… but it will happen again… and it might not be you next time. It could be your daughter. Please leave him… You don’t even have to talk to the police or report it… but please for your sake and your daughter… leave him.

supersop60 · 27/07/2022 03:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Are you the OPs partner?.

Italiangreyhound · 27/07/2022 03:17

Please leave and be safe.

LadyAnnabelsTapestries · 27/07/2022 03:28

Where are the moderators at night?

OP take the advice here and leave please. Please just leave. Do it for your future. Do it for your life. Your DD.

Please. Ask someone to help you if you don't feel strong enough. Have you any friends or family who would take over the practical elements of leaving, or be a strong arm to give you the push you need and also give you support?

Confiding in someone else who knows you will help to get this out of your head and into the real world, where action can be taken.

You cannot trust your own thinking. You have likely been gaslit and mentally manipulated for years given by the things you say in your updated post.

Adelishious · 27/07/2022 03:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ThreeLocusts · 27/07/2022 04:41

@Adelishious I find your post terrifying. You 'D'H choked you into unconsciousness and you say you brought that on yourself and it was a good way to control you?

This doesn't sound like you having 'overcome' DV to me. It sounds like you're brainwashed.

OP, it's hard to give up what you have and to do so safely. I can see why things may seem less clear-cut to you than to most posters here.

The reason why I have to agree with all the PPs saying get out now is your daughter. Both what she would face if you died, and the possibility that next time he chokes her.

It sounds like you're very much conditioned into assuming it's your job to make sure your partner doesn't get angry. It's not. That's his responsibility. He's not a toddler ffs

And he should not be drinking at all if drinking can cause him to behave like this. Again, his responsibility, not yours.

All the best.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/07/2022 05:06

This was your warning, next time it could be fatal. Game over. Protect yourself, protect your daughter. You need to leave him. It will not get better, he will not change, you will never forget this. Do not live in fear, take control of your life again and get away from him immediately, before it's too late.

lot123 · 27/07/2022 06:05

quoting from deleted post - removed by MNHQ

I'm sorry but I also find your post and choice of language horrifying. Perhaps a one-off push could be forgiven in the heat of an argument but anything else isn't acceptable. Your husband isn't lucky he could control you and he sounds like a psychopath from your description.

Trying to suffocate someone is life threatening and no woman should have to tolerate it. And it's certainly not something women bring on themselves. It's never justifiable in any circumstance. Full stop.

OP I'm genuinely worried for you. I understand that you love your partner but you are at risk. Please confide in a friend or family member that can help keep you safe. It's better to be single than stay in an abusive relationship where you're in danger.

Darkdarkdeeds · 27/07/2022 06:08

Please, please, leave as soon as you safely can. During a fight my lovely friend's parther briefly put his hands round her neck and choked her. He later went on to kill her by strangulation. I had met this man and never in a million years would have inagined what he was capable of. The danger you are in is very real.

Spinzy · 27/07/2022 06:34

Jesus Christ. Your husband could have killed you. And what do you mean when you say you tried to make sure you didn't say anything to upset him that day? Why are you policing yourself like that? Sometimes people have to hear things they don't like.

What would you do if an acquaintance had done that? Or a stranger? I imagine you'd call the police. And the fact that it is your husband just makes it infinitely worse. He is the person who is supposed to cherish, love and protect you more than anybody else. Don't minimise this because he could easily kill you next time. It is very easy to kill somebody by doing what he did. Please take that seriously. He chose to behave in a way that might have resulted in your death. You are still alive by chance. He might do it for a few seconds longer next time and you might not be so lucky. How can you even think of sharing a house/bed/life with a person you can't trust not to try to kill you? Please call women's aid/the police/tell somebody in real life.

Spinzy · 27/07/2022 06:40

And ignore the ridiculous message from Adelicious. I've never read such bullshit. Those statistics might be true on a population level. But you are in a relationship with a man who abuses you and has already strangled you once. The risk is much, much higher.

It's a really stupid way of looking at the statistics. It'd be stupid to say "statistically speaking, only 1 in 10000000000000 people are attacked by a shark so I'll be fine going into the sea and repeatedly rubbing myself across this shark's face whilst covered in blood". The statistics are across the board, it doesn't mean that everyone has that same chance! My risk of shark attack would be zero, on land in my home, and theirs would be much higher.

Please ignore that message.

CuriousMama · 27/07/2022 06:57

Please stop quoting Adelishious's deleted disgusting post

Butterfly44 · 27/07/2022 07:01

You can't stay with him. Your relationship will NEVER be the same after this. It can't recover no matter what apology was given.
What advice would you give your daughter if she told you this?
You need to leave. It's not easy I know, scary to leave what you're used to, but projecting forwards in time you'll look back and wish you'd have gone sooner.

notanoccultexpert · 27/07/2022 07:10

He tried to kill you.

It's really that simple. He tried to end your life, and given another minute or so, he would have done.

How can you be so sure that when this happens again, he will stop before you are dead?

Emotionalsupportviper · 27/07/2022 07:11

Leave now - please!

He could very easily kill you the next time (and there WILL be a next time), or you could end up with brain damage from lack of oxygen, have a stroke due to increased blood pressure, have your larynx (voice box) permanently damaged. be paralysed because of pressure on your spine.

AND - it is terrifying. And you will never, ever be able to properly relax with him of trust him again. One day he may do this to your DD when he is angry with her, or if she tries to help you. He's crossed a line. It will be easier for him the next time.

I have lived as a child in a house of violence and it is awful. AWFUL! Don't put her or yourself through this even once more. (I know you may not believe me but I am crying as I type this because it has brought back not just memories that I've tried to suppress, but the feelings - the awful crushing feelings of sheer terror - that come with them.)

I don't say this lightly, but please, please leave.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 27/07/2022 07:24

You need to leave immediately, choking in anger is very high risk for fatalities both at the time of choking and in the future. Do you want your child to grow up without you?
Call the police and report it and get out. There is no coming back for this.
My ex did this shortly before attempting to murder me. I almost didn't make it.

kateandme · 27/07/2022 07:25

Ok you didn't survive because he stopped.he attempted murder.you survived by luck!
At any point in that strangling you could have died.in An INSTANT.luck sheer luck.not that he didn't mean it hard or stopped.no he stopped and miraculously you were still breathing.he might as easily been stopping as you'd died.no difference here,just luck.you start to strangle your starting to kill someone,you don't control the time that takes,pull off,STOP.you become a death waiting to happen.
You survived because of your miraculous body.not because of anythi g HE didn't do.

Please leave.
you love him?how.
You didn't want to anger or do wrong?what ,so if you had it would be ok to try kill your wife?
Read that back op. There is never an ok time to attempt to kill your wife!
He's apologised and life has gone on.really well this says it all.
If he was sorry there would be way more than this.it would have broken him apart.

Go tell your daughter what he did.go sit her down look into her eyes and tell her her died tried to strangle you...you can't can you.wouldnt.couldnt.how would you tell someone u love that.
Or imagine her co.ing to you.told you he did it to her,or her future dh?
Would you tell her she's been with him 1p years that excuses the odd attempted strangulation.

PupInAPram · 27/07/2022 07:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/07/2022 21:23

Think about how your DD's life will be if her mother is murdered.

Then leave.

This is good advice. If you feel yourself weakening or doubting the seriousness of his attack, think of this. Get away from him.

AlviarinAesSedai · 27/07/2022 07:44

Please report to Police. And leave.