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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH choked me during fight

357 replies

Ana0404 · 26/07/2022 21:16

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

OP posts:
GriseldaPlum · 27/07/2022 00:00

Please just get out of there as soon as you can, without raising any suspicions from him that you are checking out. Pack what you need for the next 24 hours and leave.

Gilead · 27/07/2022 00:02

First question I was asked was ‘has he ever tried to choke you’. They regard it as a huge red flag. Get out, please.

cantley · 27/07/2022 00:04

Leave. You can never trust him again.

DahliaRose3 · 27/07/2022 00:07

I am really sorry you have gone through this. None of it is normal behaviour. It’s clear you aren’t able to think rationally about this situation, and are in an abusive relationship. He doesn’t love you, because what he is doing isn’t love.

You may be angry at everyone, in denial, sad, and scared, but the reality is you are in danger.

I think you know the answer to your question, but you won’t find validation on this thread to stay with him.

As Tina Turner said, what’s love got to do with it?

& As a wise therapist once said to me: Loving someone isn’t enough to keep a relationship together, nor does it excuse any behaviour from a partner.

Why are you accepting this behaviour?
Ask yourself that? Do you love him more than yourself, and your daughter?

From one woman and human to another, you are so very loved.

You are worth more, you are incredible & you have a wonderful life ahead without this man. Yes, it will probably be uncomfortable for a bit, foreign, and scary - but you will survive! You don’t need to see that amazing future now, you just need to trust that better things are waiting for you. Because you can only go up from here!

Your past is in the past, look ahead now. Things don’t need to escalate further for you to make a decision. Take charge of your life. Protect yourself and protect your daughter. Leave this man. Have courage, you’ve got this!

ladydimitrescu · 27/07/2022 00:09

It could be your daughter next time.
That's all you need to think about when you have doubts. Get out.

Pudmyboy · 27/07/2022 00:13

I was so confused when it happened as we were getting on and I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong.
This does NOT sound like you were not getting on, not if you had to make sure you hadn't upset him....
On a different thread, there was advice to someone:
'Stop looking for love in the place you lost it'
This is not love, you are in real danger and so is your daughter.

bluedomino · 27/07/2022 00:14

You say you don't want to leave him because you love him but who do YOU love more, him or your daughter? Him, the man who does NOT love you, who tries to KILL you, who tries to get you to mark him so you are complicit in Domestic Abuse. Who frightens you so much you freeze, your brain decided the safest option was to play dead rather than fight back. Him who makes you moderate your behaviour in an attempt to not annoy him. The man who used to break things, then pushed you around and now has escalated to strangulation. What is left for him to escalate to? There is only killing you next. So is it him you pick over your innocent 17 year old child, who any day soon will be left alone in this world with no mother to bring her problems or accomplishments to because you will be dead and buried because you thought you loved a vicious bully. Maybe she thinks this is normal and will tolerate the same in her relationships. Please set an example and show her that you are strong and love her enough to get her away from him. Has he ever hit her or broken anything in front of her? Please phone Women's Aid. One of the first questions they ask you is about if he has tried to strangle you. There is no love in this relationship, you are bonded to him by his bad treatment. He doesn't love you, he's cold and calculating. The asking you to hit him and checking you for bruises, fills me with fear. Please don't become another statistic. Life can be better.

Pudmyboy · 27/07/2022 00:15

*This does NOT sound like you were getting on
Sorry for the typo

UnicornsDoExist · 27/07/2022 00:18

I’m sorry, I think this can only get worse, even if it’s in tiny increments it will get bigger and bigger until he seriously hurts you😢 so sorry

GriseldaPlum · 27/07/2022 00:23

While this is still very serious, please don't panic and live in anxiety

If your partner has tried to strangle you a couple of times, you are certainly going to live in a state of anxiety. How can you not!? There are absolutely no mitigating circumstances whatever!

The truth, based on the facts, are that while the chances of fatal violence occurring do increase as a result of a violent outburst, you should know that statistically speaking it's highly unlikely you will ever be fatally assaulted (chances are 1 in 1081081081.08 per year if you want the exact probability). So while you ought to think carefully where this relationship is going, I would take any horror stories people like to scare others with on here with a pinch of salt

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd have been out of there in a heartbeat.
Nobody wants to live with somebody who is violent but statistics say they probably won't actually kill them.

"My husband is domineering and my life is awful and I put up with the occasional physical abuse. But statistics say he probs won't kill me so I'll weigh up whether it's worth staying"

I don't think so.,

StClare101 · 27/07/2022 00:26

Make a plan to get out and go. He is escalating and you and your daughter are at risk. Make a police report today. They can help put you in touch with services that can help you.

RoseAylingEllisFanClub · 27/07/2022 00:29

You and your girl can’t live like this - or die like this.

Please take those steps to get yourselves both safe. Nothing else matters - not him, not what others think or anything like that. You have the right to life, and a life free from fear at that. Everyone does.

He doesn’t have the right to control you, scare you, abuse you or kill you. No one does.

Good luck with making that first step to leave. Keep yourselves safe and you and your daughter keep each other strong.

SouperNoodle · 27/07/2022 00:33

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Worst advice ever

Lalliella · 27/07/2022 00:36

You are risking extreme damage to your DD by staying that will affect the rest of her life. He could be violent to her any time. He could kill her. Even if he never touches her, imagine the effect on her mental health of witnessing what he’s doing to her mother. For her sake, leave him.

He is a violent, abusive and dangerous man. He doesn’t love you, if he did he wouldn’t act like that. He makes you think it’s your fault. It isn’t. He’s likely to kill you soon. For your own sake too, leave him.

Fladdermus · 27/07/2022 00:38

The truth, based on the facts, are that while the chances of fatal violence occurring do increase as a result of a violent outburst, you should know that statistically speaking it's highly unlikely you will ever be fatally assaulted (chances are 1 in 1081081081.08 per year if you want the exact probability). So while you ought to think carefully where this relationship is going, I would take any horror stories people like to scare others with on here with a pinch of salt

Don't you dare underplay it. Women who have been choked by an intimate partner are 750% more likely to be killed by that partner within a year. 45% of women killed by their partners are choked in the year preceding their deaths. Choking is the number 1 indicator of impending death in domestic violence situations. That's why it has been made a specific crime within domestic violence legislation.

Lalliella · 27/07/2022 00:46

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This is extremely dangerous bullshit. Your maths is completely wrong @Adelishious and you are risking someone’s life by posting this rubbish. I’ve reported you.

2 women per week in the UK are killed by their partners. Your statistic suggest only 8 women are killed in the whole world in a year, which is utter nonsense. It’s way way more than that.

If you don’t want to be one of those 2 women a week OP get out now.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/07/2022 00:47

There is a reason that men who do this are not accepted onto DV perpetrator courses, because they cannot be cured.

I stayed with the man who did this to me and he did indeed almost murder me, he would be in prison now if the police hadnt fucked it all up, I think he cant believe his luck quite honestly. He also took our dd hostage when I managed to called the police, abusers really are that vile.

Dont walk away,, fucking run. I really wish I had.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/07/2022 00:50

Fladdermus · 27/07/2022 00:38

The truth, based on the facts, are that while the chances of fatal violence occurring do increase as a result of a violent outburst, you should know that statistically speaking it's highly unlikely you will ever be fatally assaulted (chances are 1 in 1081081081.08 per year if you want the exact probability). So while you ought to think carefully where this relationship is going, I would take any horror stories people like to scare others with on here with a pinch of salt

Don't you dare underplay it. Women who have been choked by an intimate partner are 750% more likely to be killed by that partner within a year. 45% of women killed by their partners are choked in the year preceding their deaths. Choking is the number 1 indicator of impending death in domestic violence situations. That's why it has been made a specific crime within domestic violence legislation.

And those are only the official figures, it doesnt include women like you OP (and me who didnt report it the first two times it happened) who havent reported it to the police, their GP or attended A&E. The real figure is likely to be far far higher.

Wafflesnsniffles · 27/07/2022 01:01

"I had made sure that day I hadn't said anything to upset him and I couldn't work out what I had done wrong."
Think about what you have said there - you stood on tiptoes all day trying to ensure you didnt say anything that might upset him. He attacked you, strangled you, then hit himself and you are "trying to work out what you did wrong". As if there is ANYTHING you could have done that would mean you deserve to experience that.
Seriously, how would you react if this was someone elses life you were looking into? What would you advise that person to do? Give your head a wobble and do what you need to do to keep you and your children safe. If hes done this once, taken two weeks to even apologise (I think thats what you said op)........... what will he do next time?
Dont let there be a next time - leave!

EmbarrassingHadrosaurus · 27/07/2022 01:07

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What's the source of the 1 in one billion eighty-one million eighty-one thousand eighty-one point one figure, please?

butterflied · 27/07/2022 01:15

Lalliella · 27/07/2022 00:46

This is extremely dangerous bullshit. Your maths is completely wrong @Adelishious and you are risking someone’s life by posting this rubbish. I’ve reported you.

2 women per week in the UK are killed by their partners. Your statistic suggest only 8 women are killed in the whole world in a year, which is utter nonsense. It’s way way more than that.

If you don’t want to be one of those 2 women a week OP get out now.

Show quote history

Agree with all of this. Underplaying what happened is doing OP no favours.

Thenose · 27/07/2022 01:33

He's tested it out. Now he knows he can get away with strangling you whenever he wants to put you in line.

He didn't lose control. How often has he tried to strangle bigger men than him? Never, I bet. He knew what he was doing.

Hitting himself was a nice touch; he attacked you and then successfully manipulated you into comforting HIM.

Next time he'll do it harder and for longer because, in his head, the first round won't have worked. So, whatever transgression he conjures up will need a harsher response.

I can imagine what it's like to try to leave - the feeling of heartache, loss, and confusion. It isn't fair. But you can't stay; it isn't an option for you. Your only decisions now are about how to get you and your daughter away safely.

Namerchangerextraordinaire · 27/07/2022 01:34

Run.

Done it once, will do it again.
Next time, and there will be a next time, he might succeed.

Or are you hoping it will be the third/fourth time he kills you, so you'll wait around until he gets it done?

Thelnebriati · 27/07/2022 01:35

he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back.
Make sure you mention this to your counsellor. Get it on record, in case he's trying to manufacture a claim for self defence.

ladydoris · 27/07/2022 01:38

You are one tick away from death and this is your only warning. Don't wait for another one. Death by strangulation is a pretty intimate stuff. There is no love there honey. He is unwell right now. You can do nothing for him, you cannot help him. Counselling is great, but your priority is to get your BODY to safety. Dead people don't need counselling. You need a shelter ASAP, and a police report. Plan how you are going to get out of there as swiftly as possible. Your child is at risk too. Big hugs, this is soo tough.