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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH choked me during fight

357 replies

Ana0404 · 26/07/2022 21:16

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

OP posts:
ItisallPooh · 26/07/2022 23:27

Please take all the advice and leave him ASAP. You owe it to yourself and your daughter to stay safe.

Friendofdennis · 26/07/2022 23:31

Try not to get sucked in to feeling sorry for him when he is showing self loathing You will never be able to change him and he is very dangerous. Please leave as he could kill you at any time

Moonchair1 · 26/07/2022 23:32

LEAVE him.. what if he kills you next time and you leave your child without a mother or what if he strangled YOUR daughter and kills her (after all she’s not his so he couldn’t possibly love/think of her as is own deep deep down cos she’s not

I would put my daughter first straight away
good luck

premiumwine · 26/07/2022 23:33

You should leave him. He genuinely could have killed you, you can’t get much worse than that. Your life is more important than this relationship

Londonderry34 · 26/07/2022 23:33

Horrific and I think this has happened before or similar? Protect yourself.

EarthSight · 26/07/2022 23:34

I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not

A useful exercise would be to ask yourself - how low does he have to go for me to leave him? Broken bones? Fractured skull? Rape? Death. Exactly how many times does he have to do this before you leave? Twice? Five times? More?

Right now I don't think you know because he's probably already passed those boundries. I bet that before you were with this man, you probably said 'If my husband ever did something like that, I'd definitely leave him'.

Well here it is and your boundries have been shattered. The bar has been set lower. So exactly how low will this bar be then?

oakleaffy · 26/07/2022 23:35

Please leave!
He's insane.

Do not become a statistic. No decent man would ever do this, inexcusable.

SouperNoodle · 26/07/2022 23:35

OP I am gonna be brutal but tbh it's needed.

Imagine your daughter is in a relationship. She adores the man but he has a temper. She's careful about what she says so as not to anger him and any time he is upset or angry, she blames herself.
He pushes her when he's angry but she excuses it because she loves him and he's normally nice to her.
One day, he starts screaming in her face, pushes her, your daughter, onto the bed and chokes her. Your daughter is lying there being strangled and is so scared that she just lies there in shock and complete fear.
She wants to stay because she loves him.

That sounds horrific doesn't it.
Why is it any different for you? That's exactly what is happening to you and you want to stay.
He does not love you.
You do not strangle people that you love.

I have been in abusive relationships where I was also strangled and no, it doesn't get better.
I loved my ex with my heart and soul and I eventually left because of his lying and cheating, not because of the violence. Years later I can see clearly and I know 100% that he would have killed me.

This man will kill you if you stay.
100%. I can guarantee.
Your daughter will lose her mum. One day she might walk down the aisle without her mum there to see it.
Don't let that happen.

Longlegsandskinnyjeans · 26/07/2022 23:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

oakleaffy · 26/07/2022 23:37

Remember poor Shannan Watts, in Colorado.

She too thought she could trust her husband.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 26/07/2022 23:37

OP, this is so upsetting. The "love" you feel is actually called intermittent reinforcement, it comes from the unpredictable abuse cycle and creates an incredibly strong addiction on a biochemical level in yor brain, not your fault, but as so many have said before me: You are in imminent danger of losing your life. He has serious issues you can't help him with, and they are escalating. Two women are killed everey week in the UK by their current or former partner. Please, plese get out and get help, for your DD and for you.💐

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 26/07/2022 23:39

(apologies for typos)

GertieWooster · 26/07/2022 23:39

He is so devious it's chilling.
He checks he hasn't marked you.
He asks you to hit him - if you had and left a mark, he calls the police on you.
You now have an allegation/conviction for violence against him.
If he kills you, he claims self defence.

Please, please OP get all the specialist (woman's aid, police etc) help you can to get away from this monster.

Triotriotrio · 26/07/2022 23:41

Ana0404 · 26/07/2022 21:16

I've not really posted before but I am just not sure what to do right now. A couple of weeks ago my DH and I were having a few drinks when everything got out of control. He had been in a bad mood all day but I thought he had calmed down enough when we had a few drinks. However he suddenly became very angry and started shouting and screaming at me. He wasn't shouting about anything in particular he was just ranting. I went in the bedroom to try and get away when he pushed me onto the bed he got on top of me and started choking me. I was so scared I just froze I didn't even try and stop him. I'm not sure how long it went on but he suddenly stopped and started hitting himself in the face and screaming to me to hit him back. I refused and just held him until he stopped. In the morning he checked my neck to see if he had left any marks. He said ' I shouldn't have done that' and that was it. We have been together for 10 years and married for 5 years. I have a dd17 from a previous relationship who we have been raising together. He does sometimes push me when he is angry and he often throws things but nothing like this. After 2 weeks of refusing to talk about it he finally apologised and said he was sorry he scared me. I'm not sure if I should just accept the apology and try to move on from this or not.

As someone who has been in this situation, i will tell you without a shadow of a doubt, this will happen again. It might be in a week, or a month or a year,even years, and next time he might not stop. My ex choked me until I blacked out. I nearly died. You must leave.

GriseldaPlum · 26/07/2022 23:42

I just don't know if this is going to happen again

It will happen again. And even if you doubt that, you don't want to hang around and find out if it might. You might very well be dead next time. Don't kid yourself it was a one off. It's NEVER a one off.

It's way, way out of normal and you need to get away from him.

WhimsicalGubbins · 26/07/2022 23:45

Look, it’s easy to say, harder to do
But you need to get out.

Now!!

You now know he has violent tendencies-and if you stay then he also knows ge can get away with it.

I was in this position 16 years ago. I forgave and I stayed. Over the course of the next two years I was throttled until I lost consciousness, had my nose broken, my jaw fractured, required hip surgery, spinal surgery, was left infertile due to repeated kicks and blows to the stomach resulting in ovarian torsion and internal bleeding, had a dinner plate smashed in my face, multiple black eyes, chunks of hair ripped out.. I could go on. And this was someone I had green up knowing from very early childhood.

Get out. Before it’s too late

whynotwhatknot · 26/07/2022 23:50

Op read back what youve said

you try not to say anything to upset him
he throws things sometimes but ts not that bad

youre already minimising and ignoring what hes already doing to you -this is an escalation of that what are you waiting for?

UrsulaPandress · 26/07/2022 23:51

Please listen.

BEAM123 · 26/07/2022 23:52

OP, it is fantastic that you have found a counsellor. Go to the counsellor and keep going, you will need that support after what you have been through.

But, please leave, with your daughter. As soon as you have a chance. Calmly and quietly. DO NOT TELL HIM you are leaving, or where you are going. Take the minimum - ID, passport, changes of clothes, schoolbag. You will get a chance to safely return and get more stuff later.

The important thing is that you and your daughter get out as soon as possible, and alive.

Speak to the police
Speak to womens aid
Take what everyone here has said very, very seriously
If you still have the slightest doubt that 'Maybe he wouldn't do it again' ...it will always better to look back and think perhaps you might have been wrong, than to not be able to look back because you or your daughter are dead.

Once they cross this line they will cross it again. You can be dead in 2 minutes of strangulation.

Sending you strength

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 26/07/2022 23:52

Hopeandlove · 26/07/2022 21:18

Next time he will kill you. Report it to the police, get a non molestation order and get him away from you and your child.

he will kill you next time or the time after - don’t wait

This
get away from him

GriseldaPlum · 26/07/2022 23:55

Get out of there now, OP. Or first thing in the morning. Parents, friends, anywhere you can go. The man is dangerous to you. It might present many inconveniences to you and yours, but it's better than being dead.

Crunchingleaf · 26/07/2022 23:56

There has been a huge amount of research done on Domestic Violence as so many women have been murdered by their partners. Once strangulation begins in a relationship your chances of being murdered by your partner increases dramatically.
I know this sounds unbelievably blunt but who will look after your Dd if he accidentally or intentionally kills you?

Ridingoutthewaves · 26/07/2022 23:56

So sorry this has happened, as at least one other post has said choking is a huge warning of a high level of risk to you. Please take yourself to a safe place or get some advice as to how you can get him to leave.

Adelishious · 26/07/2022 23:58

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Ridingoutthewaves · 26/07/2022 23:59

it dosen’t matter what you did or didn’t do right or wrong you haven’t caused his behaviour and are not responsible for it. You still love him that understandable, love dosen’t just disappear because someone hurts us, but his is an abuser and he is incapable of loving you. You need to leave.