How did you find out your husband/partner was having an affair?

[sundaysomeday2022]

NC for this...

I'm intrigued as so many discoveries seem to be linked to phones these days.

I found out when my exDH accidently sent the OW a message to our family facebook chat. This meant that the kids saw it as well !

Looked at his itemised phone bill which was linked to my account - put a regular number in to whatsApp - OW photo came up. This was after he had been on a ''stag weekend'' 100 miles away from where he said he was.

I could have found out quicker if I had checked the 'find my car' app!

Oh that poor child.

Has anyone found out from posting a thread for advice on here.
I think I've been part of a few?
Did mn confirm or push you to confirm it.

Or ever been wrong? Has there ever been an innocent explanation and your ok now.

or innocent and your not ok because of you thinking he was in an affair?

When we were expats in a particular South American country, so many men sent their wives home that we actually coined a term "the disappearing wives" for exactly this scenario.
My bf suspected her DH of having an affair, so checked his wallet when he was having a shower. She found receipts and confronted him and it turned out that he was having an affair with a local work colleague. She divorced him and took DSs, and most of his money, home.

Dh went on a night out with work colleagues. He had asked to stay out as they were all going to stay at someone's house. I said "no worries" as trusted him.
The next day he didn't come home when he was supposed to and our 18 month old was stood at the window waiting for him to get home.
We had special plans for the day and his lateness ruined it and he wasn't replying to messages or chasers as to when he would be home.
The next few days things seemed off and I had a gut feeling.
Checked his phone to find messages between them about how they "hadn't done anything wrong", "if only they weren't married", "lucky I had bottoms on", "I had very wandering hands", "glad it was you I cuddled all night"
I made the mistake of not kicking him out when he denied it was anything. Hindsight is a glorious thing.
We went on to have another child so not all bad and are now in couples counselling. I'm looking forward to the session where we delve into his infidelity as he has never really come clean and been honest.

While swearing on someone's life doesn't actually put that person in any peril, that's still appalling beyond words.

I was using his laptop and he’d left his photo folder open. A thumbnail showed a woman’s bare arse. I stared at it for ages trying to work out if it was mine - it wasn’t - while his friend (we we’re staying with his friends as we’d just returned from our round the world trip of a lifetime 🤦‍♀️) chatted away at me. He lied and denied and downplayed as long as he could.

In my experience, swearing on someone’s life is a sure sign of lying

I was using his laptop to do some work and he was logged into Facebook. A private message popped up, which under normal circumstances I would have ignored, but this message basically began by saying what this person wanted to 'do' to my OH. I opened the message fully because at first I thought it must be SPAM, but nope, OH and this person had a long conversation history going back over 12 months.

I had a gut feeling and was checking his phone in the night. Nothing but one message from who I suspected, the rest deleted. Checked call log, nothing. But he forgot to delete the frequent contacts list, and there she was in the top spot. Her number was jotted in the back of his work notebook too.

I then saw in the diary a note for random initials birthday with three alarms for it! She was a family friend so knew when hers was.

All very subtle, but enough to back up his enormous overnight personality change and what i now know is the script.

Went on denying it for months but suddenly didn't love me anymore after 20 years.

Her current partner, also my friend, called her and she denied it too, but he then asked her to look out the window. He was calling her from outside her house, and sat on the bonnet of my exh car who was inside with her.

These two twats live together now, and I was put through the divorce from hell. Life is better without these toxic people though, even though I see him for child contact still.

Had a gut feeling after he kept taking hours to reply and kept gaslighting me about situations.

He mention he was going on a a walk with 2 female friends searched them on his insta and the OW name happened to be the same as one of them. She’s posted stories of date night with x. All of her previous stories where on her highlights and it’d been going on 6 months.

Messaged her as I assumed she didn’t know, she didn’t reply but a work colleague of hers told me she knew and was intentionally putting stories on hoping I’d see them as he’d told her he couldn’t choose between the two of us 🤦🏼‍♀️

Screenshotted the stories sent them to him, he replied 8 hours later asking me not to speak to her and upset his happiness. He’d never wanted to be with me and I was a good person 🤷🏼‍♀️

The OW showed up at my work and told me she was sleeping with him.

He split up with me quite suddenly, then a short time later said he was seeing someone else, though he claimed she was not the cause and they had got together afterwards.

One day I went through his things (the only time I actually did so) and found a card from her saying "I can't believe it's been x months since that dinner at xxx's' - which placed this event firmly when we were still together.

My toddler started talking about her "other mummy". Turned out when he'd taken her out to give me a break they'd gone straight round to the OW and her kids had babysat whilst they were upstairs shagging. ExH now obviously.

We were on holiday and I was deeply suspicious as he’d been following the script to the letter. So I went back the room while he was sunbathing, got his phone out of the safe, and guessed his pass code. He’d been deleting all her messages but as luck would have it, she’d sent one that morning that he hadn’t seen yet.

Husband left me out of the blue just after DC turned one - said I "wasn't fun anymore". Added in that he thought we weren't compatible because I was so lazy (I work full-time, earned more than him and did essentially all of the parenting), a bad mother, and "the sex was shit". I was still suffering PND and it destroyed me for a time as I believed I just wasn't good enough and had let DC down by not being lovable enough for their father to stay with us. Few months later went to GP with a bout of thrush I couldn't shake. Turned out it was an STD.

to be fair, the only married person I know who's had an affair was a woman!!

My usually lovely attentive kind husband changed over night. I noticed he was constantly online and ignoring my messages. Sneaked into his room late checked his phone and she was pushing a sexual aspect to the conversation (he was ignoring it). At that time it was clear it was boundary crossing. We had a good talk about boundaries, he cut contact, gnaw in tummy stopped.

A few months later, gnaw started again. I just knew that a physical affair had begun within days of it starting. Grabbed his phone two/three weeks later and read a message telling him to ‘it’s time to respectfully tell your wife that you’re leaving for me’. Respectfully tell your wife!!!! Hahahaha!!!

What all these stories are missing is the sheer pain of discovery. The shock, the nausea, the curling in a ball and shaking, the lying in bed and sobbing, the collapsing on the carpet, the trying desperately to make sense of your life. The ripping away of your personal agency! I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone.

Pre-smart phone days, he was over in Ireland visiting a (what he told me was a male) friend. His phone wouldn't work for some reason so he put his SIM card into his friend's phone and he received some texts from me. After replying, he took his SIM card back out. Unfortunately for him, my messages had saved on his "friend's" phone. She found them, confronted him and then rang me to ask about our relationship and I discovered she had been in a relationship with him for some time. After comparing notes, we both ended it with him, but actually got on really well with each other and became friends for a while. We even met up once when she was visiting family near where I lived. It was so strange, we looked very similar, had similar physiques and had similar personalities. She was just like the Irish version of me. He definitely had a type!

One week exactly, almost to the minute, after our wedding she phoned me and said she had to see me. Met her and she told me she was pregnant, they'd slept in the flat we were moving into the night before the wedding, we moved in after the wedding reception, not the done thing in those days to move in before the wedding.

Broke my heart. Fifty years on and that has made me tear up.

I was doing some work on the laptop and I needed to log in to a site I used from my phone so I went on to the laptops saved passwords to get the log in info and under the section 'passwords never to remember' was the Ashley madison site. Together 8 years with a toddler he used the site when he was working away.

Started going to the gym... a lot... but continued to get fatter

He had her number saved as a man's name nothing like her actual name. I called from his phone while he was in the shower.

Mine was an email from the OW who was pregnant. I had suspected and we were divorced by then, but it had bee going on for years. She confirmed it was going on whilst I was pregnant with my son.

Pre social media. He told me he was working in London and I found a petrol receipt from a garage in Folkestone.

Very similar situation here (although his mobile later confirmed everything) - he said he'd gone to an event in the north west but I found he'd been buying petrol near Heathrow.

DH was part of a residential that was being filmed (think corporate training that focused on people overcoming their issues).

A video of a woman in her bedroom talking about how she'd been transformed and she'd never go back in her box again. Her hair was messed up in the distinctive way that he fidgeted with mine in bed. I saw it when it was broadcast I turned to look at him and he just had his head in his hands because he saw the same thing.

First time I had a hunch and checked his phone found a text in ‘sent messages’ to ‘Rob’ saying “can’t believe you cut your hair you still look beautiful” confronted him about ‘Robs’ new hair cut he eventually confessed it was a girl who had come into his work and nothing had happened as he had felt too guilty but that it almost had. Forgave him got pregnant with dc3. He promised it was a mistake and that he was all in with the kids and the marriage.

Towards the end of my pregnancy he was acting cagey not answering the phone, being uncontactable, looking miserable etc and it ramped up when dd was born. Had the nagging feeling again but searching of his phone was futile there was nothing. He told me Xmas eve when our children were 8,4 and 6 weeks that he was miserable and felt trapped but that we should ‘make an effort for the kids over Xmas’ he then tried to make out that my upset and confusion was because I had PND and he would take the children if I didn’t stop acting crazy. I kicked him out. We were best friends with a couple who had been remarkable distant and the wife when they had been round to meet dd after her birth had been looking at me with pity (he said I imagined this due to my pnd) anyway, the husband of this couple confirmed he had been having an affair with a 18 year old girl. He was mid 30s. Our friends had known from the off but as I was pregnant felt they couldn’t say in case something happened.

I couldn’t find any proof because he had a second phone he was hiding in the boot of the car. Confronted him and he never ever apologised. My in laws actually let her move into their home with him. They’d been seeing each other the entire length of my pregnancy, when I needed collecting from hospital after the birth of our dd he had taken the ow out for a drink to ‘celebrate’ having a daughter which was why no one inc the hosp could get hold of him to see where he was and if he was coming back for us.

Fast forward 4 years later and he was all apologies and wanting to come back. Told him to do one. During that time he re wrote our entire relationship to being trapped by me and being unhappy for years - standard behaviour.

Was 14 years ago now and he is with someone else. Not sure how I survived those years as was so painful but I’m now with someone else and had another dc and happy 😃 I never thought it would happen but it did!