How did you find out your husband/partner was having an affair?

[sundaysomeday2022]

NC for this...

I'm intrigued as so many discoveries seem to be linked to phones these days.

I found out when my exDH accidently sent the OW a message to our family facebook chat. This meant that the kids saw it as well !

He told me out of the blue one evening. Said it was because he felt "so guilty". Didn't stop him carrying on with it though.

We divorced, she had a baby and then they split up in a really nasty way. He never could stand not being the centre of attention.

Looking back, all the signs were there, going to the gym, staying out late with his new "mates" from work. Nowadays I would be straight on to it but then, many years ago, I was living in blissful ignorance. All our friends were shocked and said he was the last person they would have imagined would do it.

Sliding doors moment for me. Came home early and found them in our bed!

Threw her clothes out the window and them both out the door shrieking like a harridan.

My ex started being even more of an arse than normal, phone always on him an hidden. He already had history of him texting an old work colleague inappropriately but I'd stupidly let that one slide.

I grabbed his phone while he was asleep, found the text messages to her arranging for them to sleep together in 2 days when he stayed up at work in a nearby hotel. I confronted him he swore nothing had happened, I gave him the opportunity to confess everything (not surprisingly he didn't). I looked her up on Google, she worked at the same company in the same building, found an address, then check the history on the satnav he had lent me and could see he had been to her house. Been out to local restaurants etc.

Even more stupidly he gaslit me (he was controlling and quite abusive I realised when I left) and I still hung on for a few years desperately unhappy. Best thing I did was leave him, I'm happily married to a man I fully love and trust and have a gorgeous daughter.

My mum found out my dad cheated when a woman phoned my dads business number looking for his trade and told her his van had been parked outside a neighbours house quite a bit (zero reason to be as he had told her he was in a totally different location). I think she must have phone to confront him and he announced he wasn't coming home

He had a meltdown at me for 'cutting his cucumber too thick' when I was making some sandwiches! Was so out of the blue and mental that I laughed at him.

He kept going on about rabbits and how cute they were after never mentioning them for 20 years.

He left me for a chef with rabbits!

We shared an email address although I hardly ever used it. I was searching for my SIL's email address when I found a message he'd written to his DSis. It said how unhappy he was with me, that he and "Julie" had been talking for hours and they had decided to leave and set up home together. But that couldn't happen until after Christmas because "Julie" didn't want to hurt her DH because he hadn't done anything wrong.

I didn't know I'd done anything wrong except be a trusting doormat.

1st time- He was suddenly working very late and had mentionitis about his co worker. Few days before Valentines day I was getting a pen out his bag and found a lovely , long hand written love poem and jewellry reciept.Valentines day came and a generic card with nothing more than " love DH" and no jewellry. When confronted it was because I was always with our 10 week old baby that I had nearly died giving birth to, and I was " No fun and miserable" because I was in agony from C section, had severe PTSD from trauma and he refused to even change a nappy

2nd Time( yes i took him back im a bloody moron) Found condoms( i was on pill) viagra and a list of nearby hotels. This time it was because he never loved me. Oh just for good measure he gave me herpes as a parting gift. Ill never forget sobbing in my lovely GPs arms when she told me I had it and needed a HIV test. He was the only man I had ever slept with. Bastard.

On a side note very happily remarried for 10 years and hes still alone after a marriage that lasted less than a year.

This is a heartbreaking but enthralling thread.

So glad to hear most of you are so much happier now

An old work colleague told me he'd posted pictures of his new baby on fb even though we were meant to be working through issues in our marriage while he stayed at his 'mums'. I had never suspected anything and even encouraged him to go out with his friends more. I'm guessing he didn't have the guts to finish it and tell me the truth so this was an alternative way of letting me find out.

My ex-wife lied about where she was on an evening, was left not sure if she was coming home or staying out with female friend.

Later, I texted her to check "are you OK? Back tonight or staying over?". In reading the message, she made a call to me by mistake: I heard her talking to a guy, heard them discuss how much trouble she thought she was in with me (!), then heard them go upstairs, and start shagging.

She came home and tried to deny it.

We are now divorced, and I am happy. But I struggle to trust potential new partners now, and don't really want a new relationship, (which vexes me).

Lots of little lies and a change in the way he treated me but then I found condoms in his suit pocket and I knew. Checked his phone and lo and behold there were flirty messages with a colleague, and then his emails revealed he was signed up to dating websites and dissing me to his family & friends. Married many years with young kids so I cautiously 'forgave' but the trust was gone and destroyed completely when I found him at it again a few years later. He actually thought we could stay married 'for the sake of the kids' and he has made my life hell for having the audacity to divorce him. He's also rewritten history and blamed me for his affairs. What I now see as narcissistic traits and gaslighting. It's hugely eroded my self confidence but I've definitely seen his true colours through it all. Far less lonely on my own than I was with him.

Gut feeling. A strong one. Had a look at the browser history on the shared computer and saw he’d been extensively deleting Facebook messages that were incriminating. He’d deleted the ones with the woman he’d been seeing alongside me as he’d gone along, but these incriminating ones were with his best friend and her best friend, both demanding that he leave me for the other woman as she was apparently ‘devastated’.

He’d had us all regularly hanging out together and doing social things. Knowing they all had been likely laughing behind my back and keeping this fuck-off secret from me was a hideous feeling. She’d always been quite unkind to me, too, and I could never work out why.

This was some years ago now. Still rankles though.

Not me, but my daughter had:

Email.
Phone call.
Saw photos on his phone.

And yes, all different women. 😡

That was awful and strangely uplifting. Well done. 💐

Mine started doing lots of overtime but had less money 🤷‍♀️

They think we’re thick and gullible don’t they.

Ex used to call and text me nonstop.and I mean like every hour When I hadn’t heard from him for 24 hours I got worried something may have happened as he drove a motorcycle. He’d given me his bank details, so I checked to see what the last time he had used it. He withdrew money at A hotel, where we used to go all the time. The staff knew us an everything. I instantly knew what was happening. I turned up there and waited in the lobby. The staff kept giving me pitiful looks, one of the women we knew very well asked if I was okay. I informed her I knew what was going on. He saw me as soon as he got out of the lift. I kicked off outside the hotel. It wasn’t fair on the girl he was with as she most likely didn’t know.
the worst bit for me was when we got together, I said if you get bored of me, find someone else etc then just tell me. The fact he went behind my back was what pissed me off the most. Moral of this story is, don’t ever give your bank details to your partner and then do something fucking stupid.

After 22 years together and 3 kids, he suddenly started being short with me, constantly on his phone, smirking at his phone, started ‘going out with work friends’ every Thursday until early hours. ‘Visiting his dad’ every Tuesday.
And no sex.
It went on for a few months, with him getting less cautious with his constant lies. I knew, I knew, but it took me a while to want to challenge him. Finally got my hands on his phone and had to look hard to find a ‘inactive’ email account just for the two of them. Gross, dick pics, pillow talk type stuff, yuk.

He left that day, is married to her now, seems perfectly happy. I’m happy enough but it’s put me off relationships. I can’t really trust people.

11 years later, he still lies, mainly to the kids (young adults now) as I have no contact with him, but he’ll tell them he can’t see them because he’s working away. Mutual friends tell me he’s on holiday. His car’s broken down, actually he’s away at a party etc. I don’t tell the boys.

We had 20 very happy years together. Or so I thought - I was happy at least. Never a single inkling he was capable of this beforehand.

Mine suddenly became to typing what Bruce Lee films are to dubbing.

I’d be in the kitchen and hear the keyboard going overtime (we wfh together years ago) and walk in with a coffee for him and there’d be 2-3 words written and him innocently smiling at me. This happened ALL.THE.TIME. It was like he was rewriting Lord of The Rings but only a couple of characters on the visible page when I came in.

I got really intrigued and tiptoed down the hall and used a picture frame and mirror as a incidental periscope through a crack in the door to try and see wtf was going on (this was in a lighthearted way lol) but the angle wasn’t quite right so burst in “hi!” and he suddenly minimised/exited a series of windows (not porn) and I asked what he was doing, and he said he was watching porn - then “showed” a porno he’d apparently been watching- I knew it wasn’t that. He looked so guilty. Red faced and busted. I never found out what he was doing, it still bugs me tbh, I should have pushed it. The trust was gone after that anyway as I knew he was lying to my face and I’d trusted him implicitly to that point.

At a similar time he started splitting his hard drive and only using search engines and operating systems that were untraceable while at the same time spying on me through the router. Overall mega-shifty.

Gut feelings. Suspicious behaviour then gaslighting me.
I found two bus tickets in his pocket returning from the airport to our town when he was supposed to be on a work trip elsewhere by himself. And then two boarding passes.
I didn't tell him I had evidence and served him letter from my solicitor the next Friday advising him I wanted to legally separate and divorce.

During that week between finding the evidence and sending the letter, he had been telling me how much he loved me and how we would be together forever. The bellend. Still proud of myself I managed to keep my powder dry for that moment. I was pretty broken inside at the time.
Life is better now . Much much better

My ex always did this early in morning at like 4-5am apparently Mumsnet says there's nothing to be concerned about as roads are clear. Who knows.

The OW turned up at the house one night a few days before lockdown March 20. She wanted him to go and isolate with her. Despite being a 22 stone bully, he cowered behind the door and tried to pretend she was mentally ill and had been stalking him. He even pretended to call the police. I vaguely knew her, she was the children's horse riding instructor. Turned out they had been having an affair for 18 months. He had pretended to her that he couldn't leave me alone with the children because my mental health was so fragile ( absolute rubbish). He went off with her after a few weeks once he had his ducks in a row. Good riddance 👋

We were expats and my ex very suddenly started trying to convince me to return "home" on my own. "You're not happy here (news to me), your family is there, we can just live in two countries.."

I was like wtf no, my job is here, this is my home. He got unreasonably upset and basically asked me to pack my belongings. Later that evening he confessed he had an affair with a local woman, so he thought he'd just send me away and move her in.

First XP: I'd just turned 18. My BF found out and told XP that if he didn't tell me that he'd been carrying on with someone else behind my back, she'd tell me. He promptly dumped me, then I found out.

My DS's Dad: 'fessed up when I was about 8months pregnant.

XH: we'd separated (temporary thing. He was meant to get sober/clean/address addictions and then we work on marriage). In fact, he did none of the sorting out of stuff, and was shagging OW (who was a now ex friend) behind my back. He told his (now ex) best mate to keep quiet and not say anything to me. The best mate told XH what he thought of him/his behaviour, refused to talk to him if he was with OW, and then told me. The best mate is now my mate, and won't have anything to do with XH. OW and XH split 3/4 months after I found out, and XH tried to get back with me. I told him where to go. OW also came crying to me about their split (you really can't make this shit up), expecting me to be supportive to her. I told her where to go as well. I laughed so much the night/weekend they split!!

To be honest, I wonder if a friends partner has guessed or suspects, their other half, is having an affair,

I asked him to leave as he was treating me badly, I begged him to come back as our youngest was only 2.

His emails account was on my phone, a within days he switched off find my I phone, I then found search history for hotels and Sunday lunches in an area 40 minutes away. My ‘friend’ of 10 years who also lived next door had recently started visiting this area with ‘work colleagues’ she has split with her ex 6 months previously and I put my ex’s closeness with her down to him feeling sorry for her.

He confessed it was her, tried to say it had been one Sunday lunch. Said it would be easier as the kids already knew her.

I flung all of his stuff in her front garden, texted her to tell her to move house to which she replied she wasn’t as her kids had been through enough. It was hell I used to see her going out with her overnight bag which was an Asda carrier knowing she was off to visit him. After 4 months she eventually moved.

I had given her clothes, baby sat, invited her on nights out. Even the day before it came out I helped her put furniture together.

He now lives with her and her two kids who he hated living next door to and would call them awful names. Her kids don’t speak to him, our older son doesn’t speak to him.

She thinks she’s got an amazing catch, but he was a crap partner and she’s actually done me a massive favour.

She has lost a lot more loosing me as a friend than gaining him as a partner.