How did you find out your husband/partner was having an affair?

[sundaysomeday2022]

NC for this...

I'm intrigued as so many discoveries seem to be linked to phones these days.

I found out when my exDH accidently sent the OW a message to our family facebook chat. This meant that the kids saw it as well !

Going by other threads it's often the other woman sending the anonymous letter/email/message. It could equally be someone just stirring.

Very unhelpful of them, and unfair if there's any truth in it.

@Thewookiemust go I am glad you do continue to post. You wouldn't know it, but your posts helped me very much 2 years ago when I was in a very similar situation to you, no one I knew had stayed but I felt that due to our situation I wanted to try. 2 years on things are still improving. They will never, ever be the same but I am glad we have continued to be a family. I knew from his change in behaviour towards me after many happy years and his change of phone usage. I turned detective and found the proof I needed to confront him and ask him to leave. I also told his OW that I would be telling her husband that evening, as he too had a right to know, but gave her the chance to tell him herself first. He jad nonidea poor man. Two devastated families. He put a lot of work in during a fairly long separation and is continuing to do so now he is home. The deciding factor for me was that he never blamed me, only himself. Mums net was a real source of support for me as I was too ashamed to tell people at first. A PP was right about the physical pain and effects of betrayal I have never known pain like it.

I was the Ow once and I had no idea at all. Much younger so very naive but we hung out together at his workplace all of the time and his colleagues/friends didn’t say a thing, didn’t act weird or anything despite knowing what was going on the whole time! I had no idea she existed until she messaged me one morning asking whether I was aware he had a girlfriend. She seemed very lovely tbh, didn’t blame me at all which I appreciated because I genuinely didn’t have a clue… You’d have thought she’d have left him there and then but they got married soon after and had a baby. Split when baby was a few months old because he’d cheated again, unsurprisingly…

So sometimes the OW involved have no idea they’re embroiled in an affair. For those women who do know, my guess is the guy feeds them a pack of lies about being in a miserable sexless loveless marriage he feels trapped in because of the children or whatever.

DH found out his Mother was having an affair when he caught her kissing FIL’s best friend in the car… He was 16 at the time and went to tell his Dad straight away. MIL claimed DH was a drug addict, off his face and totally lying which FIL believed. They lived in a very small village and were regulars at the village pub where absolutely everyone knew MIL was shagging FIL’s best friend except FIL, poor guy… FIL eventually found out they were having an affair for himself two years later when he pretended to work away one weekend then walked in the pub to find MIL and the best friend all over each other. Poor DH never really got over both MIL making out that he was some sort of fantasist with major issues and also FIL not believing him.

MIL only just recently separated from the best friend so they were together for many years. FIL and MIL still will not speak to one another at all, won’t be in the same room so things like our wedding were awkward to say the least. Horrible situation.

@AlpacaBag

Thanks for your msg. Can’t lie it took years to get myself right/back. When I said relationship was over his Mum said…and I quote ‘he’s given you a house, car, 4 lovely children and a nice life why can’t you just let it go’. I haven’t spoken
to her since that day. I am someone’s daughter and deserve better.

the final release came for me when my boys sat me down [not that long ago] and asked if I would consider taking their Dad back [they never knew why we split as I didn’t want their life tainted with side taking and rows so they saw none]. I had to sit them down [they’re all grown now] and I told them the truth but didn’t want them to start hating their Dad. They still see him when they want to..I just don’t get involved.

I’m no saint [but I am a true Scorpio so never held back my feelings] but I would never ever have cheated on and disrespected my ex like he did to me.

I’m a very happy soul nowadays but will never live with another man as long as I draw breath. If I find one he has to has his own place and I have mine. R

what was your reaction?

@KosherDill

My first thing was to write her a note [as he refused to give me her new number]. The ‘note’ turned into 12 pages and everything came out from how I felt the time she told me on 1st meeting me she didn’t care who her sons dated as long as they weren’t Jamaican [my parent Jamaican]; how she loved his last girlfriend and still saw her every week; I’d taken’ her son from her and on and on. I SHOULD HAVE RUN THEN 🤔

She wrote back and gave me her number. Although I’m old school and respect
my elders….I couldn’t hold my Scorpio tongue back and she got everything. She told me she’d never forgive ME for leaving HIM……Lord have mercy I had to cut her off for my own sanity. SOME mother’s and they’re sons aaaa [and I have 4 son’s no daughter’s]. Have a great evening. Rx

I was going through my DS's coat pockets and found penguin chocolate biscuit wrappers in them. DS was about 2.5yrs old. I asked DS where he got them from and he said a lady with a dog gave them to him. I just had a weird feeling about it all and 24hrs later one of ex DPs friends rang in a drunken state to tell me DP was cheating. Turns out that it was with the same lady who had a dog. Ex DP had been popping round to her house with DC in tow, leaving toddler DS in front of her TV with chocolate biscuits while they got it on upstairs

FFS, how fucking low can people go!

@mumofpickles thanks for that, it means a lot to me that I can be of help, I made loads of mistakes after discovery and still believed and trusted way too much, but hopefully my hindsight helps others. Just don’t want what I went through to have no value as it was such a devastating waste to me and my husband. It’s finally made him face a shedload of childhood issues he’d been running from all his life, but we all have baggage snd his issues are no excuse for his choices. He was a coward and an avoider and an Olympic standard liar, and until he changed that I’d lost all respect for him. Three years on he’s still earning that. I’ll never trust anyone fully again though, there’s not enough therapy or advice in the known universe to convince me of that now. I’m not who I was, sadly. He has the woman I am now, not the one he had. He lost her when he changed her forever. @Cheminaufaules you put that point absolutely superbly. Really touched my heart.

Had an initial gut feeling. Found a second phone in the sofa as it kept ringing. Answered, only for another woman to pick up. She then told me how they had been in a relationship for the past 6 months, got together 2 months before me and him got married and proceeded to send me pictures of the tattoo of his name that she has across her chest. Extremely classy! He’s still messaging me attempting to say that he had not been cheating. That the woman just has a personality disorder and is obsessed with him. But they’re still talking to each other. Ha!

Forgot to add, he has also given me herpes. Why can’t men just leave if unhappy? Why do they insist on attempting to have their cake and eat it? Or attempt to ruin lives?

@Sartre

The guys might feed them a load of bollocks but if they know then they shouldn’t do it regardless. Are they they weak they they just go ahead anyway and believe every word he says?

My mum had an affair when I was about 10. I
heard her on the phone to her friend telling her how they fucked in the back of a van! When I confronted her she said I must keep it quiet or my dad would kill her. I hated her from that point onwards and wished she had died instead of my poor dad. Unfortunately she didn’t and is still going leading me a merry dance despite the fact she must know I don’t like her.

@Crikeyalmighty spot on.
I don’t give a shiny shit about the sex/ what he did with OW, she was just a crutch, an ego boost, a willing participant in his lies who wasn’t going to let an age gap get in the way of his wallet. He got constantly badgered about his job, status in his job, how high up he was in his career etc which translated to her wondering how minted he was, how easily or not he could afford what escalated to an average £600 a week ATM cash spend on 5 star hotels and champagne. 🙄 No fool like an old fool.
You’re absolutely right that it’s the lies, the betrayal, the being used and taken for an idiot that is way, way worse. The pathetic idiot he was being would be almost laughable if it was happening to someone in a movie. He was a cliché and I’ll never forgive the fact that at the time he made me one, too.

@Hhd1 I’m so sorry, that sounds bloody horrendous. I could weep for you.
I knew someone whose teenage son accidentally found their ‘burner’ phone and then knew their dad was having an affair. Awful position to be in, to tell or not? He finally told his mum and she threw out his dad who sadly committed suicide. That poor lad must have the head fuck from hell. Knowing it was right to tell mum but if he hadn’t maybe dad would still be alive? Awful.
I can’t imagine how it must feel for kids of any age, including adults, to see their parents in this way. Infidelity carries an enormously high price for everyone touched by it. If people knew beforehand what pain it eventually causes everyone, including themselves, I doubt they’d do it. Take very great care of yourself X

@Sartre OW who have no idea they are an OW are innocent victims too, as far as I’m concerned. Infidelity can’t function without lies. Wives and husbands and children get lied to. The willing OW/OM who know they are OW or OM still get lied to, and cheaters and consenting OW/OM all lie to themselves. In some cases betrayed wives and husbands who’d rather not rock the marital boat turn a blind eye and lie to themselves too.
Discovery/ reality and searing honesty usually nuke the whole thing.

That is like the start of a movie! It must've been horrific for you.

@Thewookiemustgo thank you for posting so eloquently - your situation really resonates with me. In fact it sounds identical in many many ways. I’m especially pleased to hear from a few posters who’ve stayed, as I’m attempting to do (5 months on from discovering the affair - still quite raw) as MN tends to be very black and white on this issue in general, and most posters are quite scathing about those who don’t immediately leave so I’ve been reluctant to post. It makes me feel less alone to read of others in a similar situation. I haven’t told anyone irl as trying to protect my teens from the situation at least until I’ve made a final decision.

@MissedItByThisMuch its still really, really early days for you. I also didn’t say a word to my teenage kids as I didn’t know how anything would pan out, one had imminent exams and there was no need for them to know if they didn’t have to.
Just look out for yourself, you come first now. Don’t want to worry you but here’s something I wished I’d known a few weeks/ months in: Know that they still lie through their teeth in the early weeks after discovery. It’s fear, self protection, being in denial about what a shit they have been. Minimisation, woe is me and sadly more utter bullshit are all fairly standard if they want to stay. As time goes by more may come out, maybe not, but it’s fairly standard for them to dig a bigger hole in attempts to salvage a situation now spiralling out of control, and get trapped by having to try to stick to stupid lies they told in the initial stages after discovery. Take all they say that you have no evidence for with a pinch of salt. Not trying to put you off, just warn you that any epiphany they seem to be having might not be all it seems. He’s got to prove himself and work his way back to you. Your heartbreak, your rules. Pm me if you need to X

When his behaviour literally changed overnight. It was almost like he had a brain injury. Our amazing marriage literally crumbled. He became glued to his phone and kept receiving messages from a woman he worked with. He began leaving for work earlier and arriving home much later.
He became very cruel and critical towards me, kept taking the dog out for a walk at odd times.
He kept coming home with silly inappropriate that the OW had obviously bought.
It hurt like hell, like a pain I've never experienced ever before. I will never recover from the cruel words and behaviours that he put me through. They deserve each other.

I've already posted once but suddenly remembered another tell tale was he started being a bit more adventurous in bed, doing stuff we'd never indulged in before.... and I just knew.........to be honest he wasn't much cop at the new stuff either.

@Thewookiemustgo you are absolutely correct. I kept thinking to myself, you sat there in our house writing poems and songs about this 21 year old student and recording said songs on to CD whilst I was out at work (he worked at home ) whilst I was an intelligent, not too bad looking 43 year old running our business and pandering to your needs . How f dare you!!! A friend asked me once 'have you forgiven and forgotten' Nope! I've done neither , but I do still care about him and I'm not making my life worse , as not in a strong position financially. I just made sure I'm prioritising myself .

He was on holiday and was being odd
he left his Facebook logged in on his laptop and I saw him messaging the owner of the hotel complaining that the receptionist wouldn’t let “Sarah” come to his room but her apartment had no problem with him going there. Much much more to this story…..

@Thewookiemustgo

My situation is so similar to yours but I’m a few years further on. It’s strange to read my thoughts written by someone else.
I also stayed but the marriage was rebuilt on my terms. I’m stronger, happier and always put myself first.