Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

@oakleaffy must admit you not being able to stay in house is bad, how on Earth did he manage to get you out?!

Why is it bad? Is it not expected?! If you can't buy someone out, generally you have to sell. You can't expect someone to pay a mortgage for a house they don't live in. Its not easy to get a second mortgage and you surely can't expect the other to be essentially homeless?

The fact he is currently an uninvolved dad and has been shirking his parenting duties since the split is important. It would have been worth mentioning in the op.

Wow there is a lot of man hate on here. Yes, some men are absolute shits. Some women are also absolute shits. I find it strange that a lot of women think the children belong to them and that the man should be happy to be ‘allowed’ to see his own children every other weekend.

If dad wants 50/50 (and provided that there are no welfare issues) then it can work really well - provided mum doesn’t make it a massive drama. I think the key with 50/50 is not to have a “main” home though. The kids should have everything they need (eg. clothes, toys etc) at both homes so they’re not constantly packing things up.

I know it seems hard but it either needs to be 50/50 or one of you is going to see then a lot less.

50/50 is the fairest for both parents but it doesn’t always work out well so my advice would be to make the most of it whilst you can.

He is there dad and it should not be left up to you to do all of the hard work whilst he is having an easy life with no responsibility playing the Disney dad.

Be happy that he is having to pull his weight and you get to have time off where you can get s hobby, go out with friends, eventually go on dates etc.

Of course it’s going to be weird and upsetting but you need to try and look on the bright side.

Not as long as the lengths they will go to to defend 'shit mothers', and there are some, it seems that whatever the situation, the man is almost always in the wrong! Just because a woman gives her version of events within their relationship does not make that the truth, the truth is probably somewhere on the middle.

He didn't walk out. She divorced him!

Raise your bar for men. A lot of men actually do want to see their children and are very much upset when they can't.

Also, many women don't feel like they are heartbroken or going to die without their children, because it's not exactly healthy.

Great comment, totally agree with this.

He's not though, 50/50 started this week. And op said he declined because he was busy, we don't know if she gave him loads of notice or offered him the kids because she knew he was out and "not alone"

We don't have enough facts here to call him uninvolved. Even if he was, clearly, he's not now.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I remember how heartbroken I was when my ex left, and my daughter had to go and stay with him (she didn’t want to). All I want to say is that it DOES get easier. In the beginning I literally couldn’t drag myself out of bed, when she wasn’t there, I just wanted to die, but the reality is that your children need you in their lives.
My daughter is getting older now, and it won’t be long before she will be able to decide what she does about where she lives and when she sees either myself or her dad. I make the most of the time that she’s not here, by seeing friends and family, going on day trips, and road trips on my own, or with friends. In the beginning I just worked every hour of overtime that I could to not give myself time to think or miss her. I volunteered to hold collection buckets for charities. Did shopping for other people. Anything to stay busy, and fall into bed exhausted, to start again the next day, but I got through it, and so will you.
If your ex is a good dad to them, then they will probably be relatively happy with the arrangement. If he is not, then things might change in the future.

One thing though, just because the time split is 50/50, it doesn’t necessarily mean that there is no child maintenance to be paid. It will depend on both of your incomes.

If it's true 50/50 there is no maintenance to be paid irrelevant of their incomes.

A friend of mine went through this. Her children all, one by one, voted with their feet and now live with their mum. As soon as they get to 10+ they can't be doing with the 50/50 back and forth.

I don’t get threads like this, a dad that sees his kids eow is a dead beat loser “Disney dad” a dad that wants them 50% is also bad controlling just doesn’t want to pay maintenance etc, it’s pathetic, my ex doesn’t see our kids at all, totally absent and no involvement what so ever (it’s his choice though) it’s like women would prefer this? So they can keep their kids to themselves as they think they own them Trust me you would soon be on here complaining that your ex never bothers with the kids and how hard it is being alone with them 24/7 but some women seem to want their exes to disappear when they split with them as they “can’t face not seeing their child every day” 🙄

My nephew did the opposite and went to live with his dad as soon as he was old enough to decide.

I don't think you'll have to worry about 50/50 tbh. I think it will fail rapidly & you'll have them most of the time.

Based on? I don't think it's wise to give op what is probably false hope.

So many women on here expect the man to ge the main breadwinner when together then try to turn this, against them when they split, stating that she has been the main carer and dad has not done as much as her.

Erm, because if he has not been the main carer, he has not been the main carer? It's not about who has done most overall or deserves the most cookies, it's a matter of fact.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, and also sorry some people have taken you posting your sadness on an anonymous forum to mean that you're going to "project" your feelings onto your children or want to keep them from their father. You are allowed to be sad, I would be devastated in your place, and nothing you are feeling is wrong. I hope it starts to hurt less soon.

A friend of mine went through this. Her children all, one by one, voted with their feet and now live with their mum. As soon as they get to 10+ they can't be doing with the 50/50 back and forth.

And anecdotally I have seen kids when old enough and given the choice go to live with the father. 🤷‍♂️

Please sort this out amicably with the father of your children as acrimony will only harm the children. They will pick up on the fighting, arguments, psychological games and feel that they will have to pick a side.

@auberJohn that is such an arrogant comment. Read the OP's post again. Does it sound like she is dealing with a reasonable man here? he sounds like a fucking bully to me. How can you try to put the burden of amicability on her - solely on her, by the tone of your post - when he may well be making it impossible?

I really didn’t expect to get this many replies thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply. Just a bit of background which I probably should have said in first post. I’ve been in an unhappy relationship for years with little or no intimacy or affection. I’ve spoken to my ex numerous times about this over the years but he preferred to stick his head in the sand. I’m still young enough to have a good life and when I thought about being in the same situation in 10 years time it frightened me to be honest. My ex is a good dad when he wants to be and I would never ever keep the kids from him but since the beginning everything has been his way. I got little or no say in the separation and felt I had to give in to his demands or I would never be able to get on with my life. I know my ex and the main reason for all these demands was to get back at me. I have no doubt he loves the kids but I feel neither them or I got a say in any of this. I never asked my ex to leave our home I told him we could live together but separate lives, he couldn’t do this or else he just upped and left to go away for nights when he felt like it without even telling me and leaving me to sort out dropping the kids to school and being late for work. No one can or should be expected to live like this. Since I told him our relationship was over he stopped supporting the family with me. I had to demand he continue to help pay the mortgage while he lived here. He did that but that’s all. I’ve been supporting myself and the kids on my own while he was as living here and since he left a few months ago. Never asked for or received a penny from him. If people who think I’m feeling sorry for myself knew me they would know this is the furthest thing from the truth. The last person I ever feel sorry for is myself. This is probably the only time I ever have and it’s because of my kids not because I’m sad for myself. My kids are very happy the last few months when it’s been just us the mood around the house is so much better and I don’t want to ruin that for them. I know they have to see their dad and they do love him as much as they love me. Once they are happy I’ll be happy I just had a bad night being without them I’m not husband bashing just confused. Thanks again

That’s not really something to hope for, is it? Him losing interest in favour of a second family may result in OP getting what she wants, but it’s dependent on the kids getting fucked off in the process. Lovely. Sentiments like this expose the fact it’s not really about the well-being of the kids at all (despite claims to the contrary), but the preferences of the mother.

it’s better to hope that he is a caring and involved father, with the children feeling secure in their relationship and enjoying the 50% of the time they spend with him.

You will get used to it and could even come to enjoy it OP. At the moment you can’t see the wood for the trees but everything settles with time.

Also not sure why it’s unreasonable for him to refuse to leave. Not many people can afford to buy/rent a new property big enough to accommodate themselves and their children whilst simultaneously paying the mortgage on the former marital home. Of course if a divorce was happening he wanted the house sold so he could afford to set himself up.

Op, you initially said he wouldn't leave. Now you're saying you said he could stay and left of his own volition?

I think there's more to this than we've been told. Divorce isn't easy but you've both got to do what's right for your children regardless about how you feel about each other. You'll settle into it. And if it's not working for the kids, by all means review it. See what works best.

Well it was quite clear there was more behind your situation but this thread is interesting in just how many jumped immediately to blaming a woman based on the trope of "selfish, obsessive mother keeping children from a well meaning father".

He sounds like a selfish twat and I do not think he will be doing 50/50 in the long term. I'll be really interested to see any update you might have after six months, probably less.

I guarantee you there is no more to it than you’ve been told. Initially we agreed to live together as it would be expensive for either of us to rent a brand new place and pay a mortgage. This did not work out and as the one with the offer to live in a relatives house with very cheap rent, it made more sense he would leave the house and let me stay with the kids until it was sold. He refused to do this unless I agreed to all his demands. That’s why he wouldn’t leave and eventually did when I agreed to what he wanted. It’s about being in control of everything. I’m just going to concentrate on my children now and find things to do while they’re not with me. Thanks for advice