Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

Weird response! I say completely clearly that I think the best option is nesting- not sure how you missed that - so your question is irrelevant in that context.

What were his demands though? I think most people would want some conditions in place before they agreed to leave their home they’re still obliged to pay for.

You wont die. But it is incredibly painful to start with.

You probably wont feel 'comfortable' with it for a year or two and thats if it works out.

I have a similar arrangement. When i am not with my kids i do all my cleaning, food shopping and life admin. I work out and i see friends and persue interests and focus on my career to give them a good life. When they are with me they therefore get the best version of me. Organised and calm and prepared and present with them.

I am now a much calmer less stressy mum despite the unusual circumstances. My career had also really taken off meaning im going to be able to give them Amazing opportunities.

Its not what i would have chosen. But i have chosen not to martyr myself and have made it work. But it does take time.

Find it funny mods deleted my comments when I essentially reversed what so else had said earlier n the chat but flipped it from the dad to the mum.

this thread is a case in point that there is a level of misguided or toxic feminism.

I will lay out my view that in regards to equality at work and home stems from providing not more rights to women but normalising childcare amounts men. If like Nordic nations they had more paternity leave, and not just 2 weeks of statutory they would bond more and be more active in childcare. This then feeds into the workplace as the gender wage gap only starts to appear in the late 20s and 30s prior to that young women in the uk statistically outstrip men. It’s she; we have kids we fall behind, and then stay behind as we get locked out of work and miss a lot due to childcare.

we split that better as sen in Nordic countries the wage gap then becomes between those who have kids and those who don’t rather than between make and female.

thise advocating for trying to get the ops partner to only take every other weekend and one person during the week are actually harming womens chances in the workplace and perpetuating gender stereotypes that we need to break down to achieve equality, and do so over a misguided view that it’s all about what we get and screw men.

@Scepticalwotsits I think the only toxic feminism is when women try to instil their version of feminism onto another women!

The OP came on her for emotional support as obviously the idea of spending 50% of her time without her kids is hard! Of course it's bloody hard, as mothers/women have a ridiculously strong maternal instinct... just like when you see nature programmes and animals have their young taken from them for whatever reason... the female can be bereft!

For every 'toxic' female who stops her child seeing its father, there are 'toxic' males who don't want to see/support their child! There are many, many different versions of co-parenting it's not a one size fits all. For example, my ex works away a lot and it wouldn't be feasible for him to have 50/50! We work together to make sure my daughter has a great relationship with both of us!

What were his demands?

@Scepticalwotsits also I work full time and totally agree gender pay gap in a disgrace! The way females are treated in this country is a disgrace! With Liz Truss coming out saying she will give tax breaks to stay at home parents (what the actual f)! Women need to work together, make our Voices heard and say enough! We need affordable childcare asap, which involves voting ina government who actually takes the situation seriously!

I’m not berating OP, but some of the posts people have come out with.

How are you doing op?
This is all hard.irs too new and raw right now too.that you have the divorce and emotions mixed up in that to get over can't be helping
It's time now for YOU. Time to wind down.get some headspace,heal from the horrid time you've just gotten through.
If you believe you've done your best for your kids then work from there,onwards.
How have they been,did they like this 50 50 plans?how old are they?
Try and keep as neutral as you can.but allow them to see how you love and want them.big mistake is to feel you have to NOT show emotion then you come across to kids as all of and not caring and they then feel alone or unable to share.let them see you vulnerabilities to an extent.then your all a me to be in this together.
Make home a good place to be.a safe space.whwre they can still not h about dad.or worse if they needed to.but also tell you the good stuff.this will land in in such a place of safety and trust.you won't believe how much the kids need that at this point.
For you.what do you love.
Start books.start drawing.have little plans in place but in experience do NOT go over board with trying to fill the Time! It backfires massively.you don't need to be all everythi g doing everything not feeling your feelings.its nice to sometimes just sit.
But it's good to have those little eggs on the basket to pick from when you need to those techniques to bring you back to the present.
And having markers on the calendar to break it up.
Do you have a to read list.
Any diy.
Any recipes you want to try.
Make yourself a picnic go sit in the park.
Find your nearest lido or pool
Find some walks near you.this time of year walking is just beautiful.
Do u want to go to a coast for the day.
Or an airbnb in the woods or beach.
Do you have any hobbies or groups
Box sets
Sewing
Art.
At the start of every week you'll then no you've got buts to break it up.
Equally you might fancy a week of toast and cereal in bed watching films or loud music.
But with a list you no you've got this.
When you think your gwtting drawn down try some mindful breathe v to bring you back to the present.that REALLY helps.

@kateandme what a beautifully kind and thoughtful response! I hope you're ok too OP, these emotions you're feeling can be really hard but you have a group of women here that are thinking of you and supporting you!

Oh! Thankyou.you see even reply to posts can make folk feel good.what a community of lovely woman( sorry soppy git syndrome alive and well today)😶🙂

I absolutely don’t agree with you. The father has as much right as the mother to spend time with his children 50/50.

Totally agree

I didn't mean constantly in contact, maybe just once a day at a pre arranged time. Just whilst everyone is getting used to the new arrangements. I barely speak to my kids whilst they're with my ex, but they have phones and can contact me any time they need to.

And yes, OP absolutely should spend her child free time getting busy with things she doesn't have the opportunity to do when she has the kids. I'm sure it won't take long before she comes to appreciate the self time, everyone needs a break.

I wonder if the men’s rights supporters here understand how bad they sound? Children are not possessions. This was a controlling man who forced his children out of their home in order to force his wife out. That doesn’t show any love or concern for them.

Do you really not see that CherryBlossomAutumn is saying children have rights? The children. They are not possessions. They are people whose rights, in this case, outweigh their parents’ wishes.

Forced his children out of their home?

Unfortunately that's what happens when you choose to divorce, as op did. It is not often possible for one person to pay for two homes. You've chosen to use very dramatic language.

You can have as much love and concern as you like, but it doesn't enable you to pull an extra house out of your arse and let your ex keep all the equity, does it?

You’re assuming he had any other choice. Most people can’t afford to pay for two homes. They’re especially likely to be unable to in the midst of a cost of living crisis. He’s not unreasonable to want to take his share and provide a home for himself and his children.

It is indeed about the rights of children though, and the children should have the right to have a relationship with their father that’s equal to the one they have with their mother.

That's how it works in a divorce. Assets are divided, and unless one party has enough resource to buy out the other, the marital home is sold. Nobody's 'forcing anybody out'. After that, it is in the best interests of the children that they have as much time as possible with each of their parents.

And this is as much about womens rights as it is about mens rights. While some women may want to be considered the primary parent, how many threads do we see here from women who want to parent equally? Who are being ground down and actively disadvantaged as a result of children being seen as the domain of women? How many men check out because of this attitude? Of course men don’t feel the need to be an equal parent when they’re being told that the woman is the main one.

Of course it’s always the woman's fault that some men can’t step up and be a parent. I have two children. My eldest father is not a good parent and never was. My youngest father is excellent and was from day one did everything he could to help bar breastfeed. They could not be more different as fathers. One walked the floor trying to help get an upset reflux baby to sleep at night and the other was too ‘tired’ to do any baby care when his child was small. I had no choice but to step up and be everything to my eldest son. I said to my eldest dad so many times that care tasks are bonding tasks vital to their relationship, but was dismissed. When a relationship breaks down it’s tough on the child to adjust to not having the parent around that was always there when they needed them no matter what, the parent who always put the child’s needs first.
For some children it isn’t always in their best interests for a 50:50 arrangement.

Absolutely agree @ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus

The only people with rights in parenting agreements are…
The children.

They have the right to care, safety, security in a way that suits them.

There is no evidence at all that 50/50 care is better for CHILDREN’s wellbeing and development. Or better for their mental health.
There is no evidence at all that 50/50 care gives CHILDREN a closer relationships with either parent.
There is evidence that CHILDREN’s wellbeing after separation is primarily affected by financial security and how much animosity there is.
There is evidence that 50/50 can be detrimental to CHILDREN if the parents do not agree and co parent well in this arrangement. It does not seem detrimental if the parents both wish this and work well together. However even then it is not better than any other arrangement.

Nope, not blaming women. What I am saying that societal notions of women being the primary parent are harmful, burden women and give men an easy out.

this particular man appears to want to be an equal parent, which I do not see as a bad thing at all. 50/50 may not be in the best interests of all children, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t in the interests of these children, or indeed in the interests of the majority.

50/50 requires quite a good degree of cooperation between parents however for it to work, and doesn’t seem to do well if there is conflict between parents. Which there is in this case, and the father clearly does not want to work with the OP. In those case, 50/50 would well be detrimental because there will be no working together with the OP on the father’s part going from their past relationship. This wouldn’t be in the children’s best interests and would seem to further destabilise parenting for the children.