Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

So who gets majority residency then?

You really don’t have anywhere near enough information to determine that 50/50 residency would be harmful to these children. Some acrimony between divorcing parents is normal, and outside of abuse does not mean that either parent should have less access to their children.

As it stands they are just settling into the 50/50 routine, so the coparenting relationship will develop as time goes on.

’access to children’ - that proves my point. Children are not commodities to have access to. They are our responsibility to parent well and provide security, love and care to enable them to develop.

It’s not about the mother or father. It’s about the children. There is evidence that 50/50 can be detrimental in conflicting parents, there is no evidence that 50/50 is better for children than one parent being the main resident. This is not driven by what is best for children.

I don’t understand a lot of these comments. Surely it’s obvious that children do actually belong more to their mothers than their fathers? Mothers grow, carry, birth and feed their babies - all of these things do make us the biologically normal primary care giver. I think it’s disingenuous to suggest that men have the same instincts as mothers 🤷‍♀️

Majority residence should go to the parent that can provide the best security for the children, and continuity of care is important so unless there is a compelling reason not to, the parent who has provided the main care before the break up is usually the parent to provide main care after the break up. Whether that is the man or the father. If the father is the main carer before break up and there is no compelling reason not to, then the main carer should continue to be the father.

Mother or father I should have said.

There is also a lot of evidence that financial security is incredibly important for children post break up. 50/50 is the least best use of financial resources, with everything doubling up. So there is another compelling reason that for the children, their financial security comes first.

Access to children/rights of the children to have equal access to both parents.

Phrase it however you would like, the point remains.

There have been a number of studies done. The majority actually seem to suggest that children do better when care is shared equally between parents. Here’s a study of 40 studies:

www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/10502556.2014.965578

To note:

“Overall the children in shared parenting families had better outcomes on measures of emotional, behavioral, and psychological well-being, as well as better physical health and better relationships with their fathers and their mothers, benefits that remained even when there were high levels of conflict between their parents.”

I agree. Given how often fathers walk away, it is obviously different. Most fathers/good fathers love their children but I don't think it's as common for fathers to feel tormented by the separation from their children.

My x took it in his stride. Blames me but never contacts them. They are teens now so I worry less.

I’m sorry but there is not a consensus in the evidence on this at all @whumpthereitis
www.researchgate.net/publication/233366701_Resisting_the_march_towards_5050_shared_residence_Rights_welfare_and_equality_in_post-separation_families
Quote from this “This article warns strongly against any such shift in post-separation parenting, arguing that greater use of 50/50 shared residence is neither supported by the empirical evidence on children's welfare nor by the vociferous rights-based arguments of disaffected fathers”

Well no, outside of pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding (if done), fathers can provide the same care as mothers.

I also think it’s this attitude that burdens women who actually want to equally parent, and gives men a good excuse to do less parenting than they should.

That’s one study. One. Again, there have been multiple studies done, and the majority have suggested it to be beneficial.

indeed, I linked you to an overview of forty studies. You have provided one and presented it as an authority.

This is also a very credible source, and well worth a read on anyone interested in parenting arrangements.
It advises caution.

I believe that we should be cautious and I would like to see more robust research in this area, as lobbying groups are pushing agendas on custody when what we really need is more knowledge about how all of this affects children.
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/Would-legislation-for-shared-parenting-time-help-childrenOXLAP-FPB-7.pdf

sorry but why should you have them more than him ? 50/50 is very common these days and he has as much right to parent the kids as you do

I cannot see how the emotional pain of a mother at separation from the baby you gave birth to is in any way comparable to a father's. That's why we don't have loads of men talking about how their lives were ruined by forced adoption of their babies in the 50s-70s. It just isn't the same.

If you come back to this thread OP I am sorry this has happened to your family. We all go into marriage and having children with such hope and it is so painful when it doesn't work out.

@whumpthereitis citing 40 studies without analysing the quality of that evidence isn’t as credible as a systematic review.

Except these were systematic reviews, peer reviewed.

You can claim any study is agenda driven if you don’t like the outcome. The same could be said for the two you have provided. I’m not actually going to make that claim however, because frankly it’s lazy. What I am saying is that, upon review of the evidence at hand, shared care is suggested to be more beneficial to children.

If more studies are done and more evidence comes to light that it’s detrimental then I’ll change my opinion. As it stands, I’m going to put more credence on the findings of multiple studies, than I’m going to put on any one or two that suits a particular narrative.

It didn’t say systematic reviews, it said it was an article summarising 40 studies, which isn’t the same at all, it’s just an article.

The second evidence I listed in the Nuffield Foundation Oxford summary, and so would have more credibility than an article of summaries.

It really is important to judge evidence accurately.

If it turns out to be just about the money you’ll probably see them more. You might actually start to enjoy the child free time! Does the decision feel in the best interests of the children? If not challenge it but keep in mind the more acrimonious the worse for you the kids and everyone involved. Prolonged court battles over kids damage everyone. My heart goes out to you.

No, it’s a study published in a scientific journal. Feel free to check the citations. Each study referenced has also been through the peer review process.

’an article of summaries’ of studies that have all been subject to the peer review process. I believe the Oxford study is also included in said ‘article’, so you can’t even claim it as evidence discounted.

So you also accept that women have the primary responsibility for looking after children and men don't have to bother?

So many messy and difficult things here.

In divorces ( and usually the man earns more money but I think that is changing fast) the two biggest problems are

1. Blokes not paying their way
2. Women using access to the kids as leverage

Your ex wants to keep in touch with his children and I think - whatever else is going on - that is a good thing.

I think you're going have to accept this even though I can feel your pain

My partner has severe depression and ptsd. He’s decided he wants to separate sell the house. We have a 15 month hold. I work part time he doesn’t work because of his illness. I’m sure he’s bipolar. He wants 50/50 custody. I know he can’t cope with our child 50/50 and probably only wanting this for financial gain. I feel mentally drained as he’s manipulating me where do I go for legal advice. Telling me what I can and can’t do and wanting me to make legal decisions immediately.