Heartbroken over sharing custody of kids

[Lill1e]

After going through months of a horrible separation when there were times I really thought I couldn’t go on because of the stress it was causing and the guilt over ending my marriage and “ruining” my children's lives, things have finally come to an end. The house is sold (ex insisted on this rather than see me stay there and “maybe one day bring in another man” - his words) , all forms signed and all arrangements agreed to. The thing is one of the requests by my ex was that he wanted shared custody and therefore wouldn’t need to pay maintenance. I believe this is why he wanted this, he says it’s cause he wants to see the kids. My solicitor and I suggested every second weekend and one day after school per week but he was having none of it. The separation was horrible I mean horrible the worst time of my life. He wouldn’t leave the house, watched me like a hawk, i was literally a prisoner in my own home. He would only leave if I agreed to the terms and so I did just to be able to move on with my life but I’m here now thinking about it and my heart is absolutely broken. How am I going to spend every second week without my kids. I will die not being able to see them every day. What have I done? I feel like I’ve sold them out just to be able to get on with my life. Has anyone on here shared custody with an ex and how did it go? I’m praying it won’t work out and they’ll want to be with me but I know that’s selfish but I will miss them so so so much. I feel even more guilty now than I did when I ended the marriage. should I go back to my solicitor and tell her I don’t want to share custody. Thanks everyone xx

I think you should go back to the solicitor. This does not seem to me to be an agreement voluntarily entered into, but under duress.

This does not seem to me to be an agreement voluntarily entered into, but under duress

Pure projection.

Same here OP my ex tried for 50/50 purely so he wouldn't have to pay. Ds would have had a terrible life with him as he's lazy and plain weird. He can't be trusted with a dog.
I went back to court and fought tirelessly for sole custody and got it. ExH promptly left the country to avoid paying cma but it was the best option all round.

Well yes, 'what about the children' is the right question to ask here.

Because not once has the OP mentioned them and what they want.

It's a difficult thing to do but the children must be put first, over and above any of the adult's feelings.

Use zoom/facetime to keep in touch with the kids while they're at their dad's.

No one I know who’s partner went for 50/50 now has the kids half only the time. Usually the dad gets bored of the hard work if their new partner isn’t up for doing the drudge work. Hope you’re ok, I’d hate a week without my kids. But I might get my new course finished without getting up at 4am. Could be a good time to do something for yourself x

@altmember

no she needs to spend the time the kids are at their dads cultivating her own life, social life and hobbies etc.
its his time with his kids
she likely wouldn’t like it if dad was constantly FaceTiming during her weekends with them

I’d love 50:50

and …..
right now it’s raw and hard and horrible

my username is from when me and ex
first split

but assuming he’s not abusive , it’s very healthy and
you will have to see …..

time to get your life back
hobbies , friends , dating , work etc

you had a life before the kids ?
im not
minimising how painful this is

but you need to get your hope

You get used to it Op. All will be good.

Shared custody is tough on everyone, and ideally to start with I'd suggest a 4 day turnaround (or more frequently) so everyone can get used to it. I'm not at all convinced that 50/50 is ever in kids' interest, it's about being "fair" for the parents...but I do worry that it might mean the kids don't feel that they have an actual home...

my XH (abusive) is fortunately too preoccupied with himself to want our DC that much, but I struggle when they are with him for more than a few days/nights; OP make yourself busy, even if you don't feel like it, get out and see people/do stuff...anything that stops you sitting at home missing them.

You will eventually find that you get to enjoy your "me time", or at least some of it; I can't say I enjoy all of it, but I do look forward to a certain amount now, and arrange to see friends or just catch up with stuff that could never have been done when I had the DC to think about. It has also, strangely, freed me to be a better mum - I'm much less stressed than when he was here, much more able to think "to hell with the dishes" and play with them...the house is a tip but I don't care, I just enjoy being with the DC when they're here.

You may well find that the reality of having them that much is too much for your X, it happens a lot...so be "helpful" when he wants you to help by having them more and if he's anything like my X he will gradually want them to spend more time with you so he can get on with "his" life...

Best of luck love, you ended your marriage for good reason I'm sure, but I know this is hard to cope with

@Lill1e
My husband left when DS was under 5
He very rarely if ever had DS to stay overnight, and that really did cause DS upset.

It’s what is best for your children that is fairest.
I must admit you not being able to stay in house is bad, how on Earth did he manage to get you out?!

Much as it hurts, you have to let the children see their dad, and please, please don’t badmouth him to them-
I learned the hard way with this- It’s not fair on them.
Years down the line we get on ok now -
Much easier that way.

OP didn’t provide too much background about what he is like as a father, which is her decision to make. Regardless, there seem to be a lot of views formed based on assumptions.

Fathers do and should have the right to see their children as much as their mothers in ideal world, but each case will be different. Not all fathers will be a textbook example of what a great father should be, equally not all mothers (although probably less common with mothers).

But it is important to understand the specific situation. If the father is not that engaged and there is some other agenda involved is it the best for the children?

As others have said OP, keep busy and try to make sure you have things planned during the week they are with your ex. Maybe things that you wouldnt do with the kids around? Acknowledge it is sad, but try to stay away from statements like 'I cant cope' - they will set you up to feel awful. Try to be more realistic - 'this sucks, I am very sad, this feels really hard' and remind yourself you are a good mum who wants the best for her children. As for the custody arrangements, who knows what will happen. If they continue as is, the children will know both parents love and want them. If not, you may get more time. Take care OP, I know this is hard.

I don’t know. I would hate to move between two homes like this if I were a kid. Surely everyone wants a main home?

People on here seem to hate the idea of nesting, because the adults hate feeling like ‘visitors’ but I think it’s probably best for kids, where parents can afford it/ make it work.

Presumably you're happy for the children to have their main residency with the father in that case then, if your priority is avoiding children moving about too much?

Seriously, grow up. Children pick up on parents playing bs mind games.

What have you read that makes you assume he's a 'shit man'?

Drip drip drip

a friend of mine has 5 kids - youngest 8 i think - and has been separated/divorced for 3 years or so. The children all live in the family home. The parents each have their own place (she has a new partner, he doesn't) and take it turn and turn about week at a time - handover sunday mid afternoon - living in what was the family home, and their own place. At the beginning they had a small studio apartment that they shared on their "off" week, but now they have their own places. The children haven't had to give up school, friends, clubs or even bedrooms and have adjusted well.

Friend told me that they never considered anything other than 50/50 and while the start was difficult and they all took time to get over it, the children have always come first. (natch you need a bit of money to do this)

People are being unsympathetic but I feel your pain. It would be my worst nightmare because not having my child with me would leave a gaping hole in my life. It does when she's not here for more than a day even though I bare it as I know she's having a wonderful time.

Take the knowledge they're having a wonderful time away and you're there missing your kids knowing they miss you but you can't be together. A recipe for absolute misery.

"oh their poor dad" - maybe he's expressing his own sorrow somewhere about only seeing his kids part time? No, course he isn't. It's not the same for dads. Why do you think it's 99% of the time the dad that walks out not the mum. Virtue signalling egalitarian bullcrap.

But there's nothing you can do so you need to make a plan to fill that time with something that's going to take your mind completely away. Something creative, think along the lines of that novel you've always wanted to write.

You can't change it so make the best of it, basically.

"oh their poor dad" - maybe he's expressing his own sorrow somewhere about only seeing his kids part time? No, course he isn't. It's not the same for dads. Why do you think it's 99% of the time the dad that walks out not the mum. Virtue signalling egalitarian bullcrap.

This is a horrendous take. Might have been true for you, is not true for most.

I don’t think it unreasonable or incomprehensible for a parent to feel dread at only seeing their child half the time especially when they are young and spend all their time with you.
lots of parents don’t have much of a life outside every young children especially if there is no wider family support or other circumstances which prevent this. Young children are quite literally a full time responsibility so it’s not hard to imagine feeling overwhelmed at the thought of not being in their lives half the time.

I don’t especially think 50/50 is a fair arrangement for a child. It only works if the split is amicable, it’s parties respect each other and put the children’s emotional orientation first, as well as jointly honouring commitments like out of school activities, parties, doctors appointments, homework, uniforms, resources etc

many time that understanding and equilibrium is not in place and it’s a lot of upheaval for children to mollify parents whose relationship has and is failing .I wonder if when asked how many of them actually really are happy with it.

Bloody hell Hardly a drip feed she’s only posted what, four times

I may be wrong, but given the details provided, I think the OP would have told us is their were problems with the father’s parenting.

Surely, where both parents are good with the children, the best option for them is joint custody. OP, you will adapt.

How old are the dc-did you get legal adivce about the house living arrangements before agreeing?