My whole life has fallen apart

[Juust]

dp walked out on me a month ago, hasn’t spoken since despite calls and texts and emails. I own the house we lived in and he owns a separate one, we’d not been together long only a couple of years. Im due to give birth in September and now left with a mortgage of 1k a month that is massively panicking me. I have 6 months maternity but after that I don’t know what to do with childcare etc. I’d only just bought the house a few months ago and it’s still got bits here and there that need finishing. I’m such a mess.

I feel like a failure, my siblings are all settled down with kids and I’m the oldest and my life is still a mess. My income will go down to 35k next year and I am too scared to look at what that even equates to after tax. No idea if ex will pay maintenance so can’t factor that in as I’ve literally not heard from him. He took a recent pay cut anyway to 55k and no idea if that makes him obligated to pay anything.

im so sad I keep thinking about adoption but I have always wanted to be a mum, just not like this. I will never be able to do this well alone, I can be practical but also quite needy for affection and I don’t know how I will cope without a relationship or some kind of company. Im 36 too so hardly a good age to start again with a baby in tow… it would be a while anyway before dates were even on the cards.

the thing is I knew he wasn’t necessarily right even a year or so ago. I knew it. I just went with it as he seemed responsible over all and nice and good fun so I figured I was getting older and just do it. Why?? I hate myself for not being stronger?! It felt like I was left and everyone had settled down

to make matters worse I live in a small village with a 20 minute drive to any other town. I thought it would be amazing with DP and my family close by but now it feels like I’m trapped. One shop and three pubs and that’s it.

everything feels so hard and I’m so so so scared. I wake up in the night panicking and god knows what it’s doing to the baby . All the dreams I had of a family are shattered and I feel horrendous.

I understand you’re upset and this is scary and of course it will be hard.
You are looking at this negatively and I understand why. What I see is a strong women though, you have your own place and doing it on your own, your financially independent, that’s a massive achievement!!

You need to be practical and sort the bills and how you will pay for it but you really do sound like a strong person to me and I think you could do this once you have calmed down and take a minute to be pragmatic about it.

@Fabswingers thanks for the support I just don’t know how I will manage a mortgage like this on my own. It went through in March so not been in it long and it feels so stressful. I don’t know how I will find the money for that and childcare

Of course you feel scared and overwhelmed, a baby is the biggest life change. You will manage though. Your ex has to pay child maintenance, hopefully someone will be along shortly to explain about that.
Having a child doesn’t mean that you can’t date or meet someone else. A house always has things that need doing, mine has loads and I have been in it for fifteen years !
Do you have any family who will help you ? Any good friends in the same place ? Longer term you might want to think about moving if this place doesn’t work for you.

@SirVixofVixHall hi no I have no close friends here, I do know of people but not really anyone I would class as a friend yet. Family said they will help with the odd meal every day or so but basically can’t do any childcare at all.

it feels like what should be a nice time is now just about survival :( I am so unhappy.

I don’t know how I will afford the mortgage along with heating etc when I go down to 35k

OP I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Alone with, with a baby on the way, a mortgage. sounds scary yes, but it's only been a month since your partner left. Things WILL get better.
You need time to heal, gather your thoughts, to plan, and it will all fall into place.
There are people much less off than you and they get through it.

Please do not consider giving your baby up for adoption, I read so many threads on here where ladies wanted a baby but the minute their partners leave they no longer want the baby and either consider termination or adoption which I'm sorry to say is very selfish! You wanted that baby, you seen the red flags but ignored them, you are now pregnant, now because your deadbeat of a partner left he took your affection and 'want' for your child with him?
If he decides to come back will your feelings then change and would you then want to keep your child?

You need to realize in this life you can only really depend on yourself, and if you are so needy and dependent on others to boost you, you will never make it.

Your mortgage will get paid, your child will grow, you will find someone worthy. But for now YOU need get up, get strong, focus on your greatest blessing which is your baby. You will not be alone for long, he/she will add purpose to your life and make you want to go on.

Is there any chance of buying somewhere a bit cheaper? Appreciate this may not be possible. Start looking into how you can use CMS to get child maintenance once your child is born.

deep breath - you can do this, and you will.

first of all, CMS - I’m not sure how the application system works, but I’m guessing you can start claiming the moment the baby is born. Make sure he pays you what he owes you.

secondly there’s a lot of things in your favour here - you own your own place, so I’m guessing have some equity? You have a reasonably well paid job, and you’re 36 - not a teen mum - so outwardly, while things aren’t perfect, you’ve got a pretty stable life to bring a baby into.

it sounds like perhaps you will need to look at selling the house eventually but try not to worry about that just yet - park the financial stuff for a bit and just focus on getting through the birth and the few months after.

best of luck to you, things will be fine xx

You need to work out what support you are entitled to, how much your ex will have to pay, and then budget accordingly. If it really is unaffordable then I suppose you might need to sell and move to somewhere smaller, but hopefully it won’t come to that. Could you take in a lodger ? Having a support network around you really helps, so join any baby groups etc , once your baby is here. Your family might not be able to help with regular childcare but would perhaps babysit now and again so that you could meet a friend for a coffee ?

I'm so sorry this is hard.

Please find someone in real life you can talk to about this.

I know this is not ideal but you wanted a family and soon you will be a mum, so although tough, you are about to start the biggest relationship in your life. It could be amazing.

You and your baby can be your own lovely little family. Of course it sounds daunting and scary but you have options.

Your ex will have to pay maintenance. Lodge a claim with cms as soon as you can once baby arrives.

Now that you are single, you’re in charge of making all decisions. Do you want to stay living where you are? Could you drop to interest only on the mortgage or get a lodger ?

Id speak to CAB for advice about options. You should be entitled to child benefit too.
wishing you all the best

I love @Fabswingers post. She/he is right - you can do this.

Can you take a couple of days leave and go to stay with family or friends and spend each day planning what you need to arrange?

Finances, childcare, child support etc.

One step at a time.

Keep yourself well and organise everything in the best interest of the baby and yourself. Those two things are your only priority now.

Thanks everyone. I am speaking to the mental health team but not really feeling much better.

i could move but how could I do that before September is my worry @Bobbybobbins

i just feel such a failure. Im so embarrassed about my life and can’t believe we haven’t been able to work through this.

I looked past so much stuff and it’s all on me isn’t it. He wasn’t the right man basically and now I’ve dragged someone else into it :( I hate myself

You are going through some much change in such a short period of time, house, relationship breakdown, baby etc. No wonder you feel overwhelmed and scared.

If it helps, when things like this happen to me, I find it easier to tackle each issue one at a time. So it doesn't feel overwhelming.

For example, I would focus on your finances now.
Ignore all the house bits and your ex for the minute. Once you have focused on the finances then move onto the house bits etc

Based on gross income of £55k a year and no contact with the child . Your partner would be required to pay you £518 per month towards his child's maintenance.

If he did develop a relationship that lead to overnight care 2 nights a fortnight (the standard EOW arrangement) the the payment should be £488

Why not wait and see with regard to moving. If you are not happy with the location you could downsize to a location that is better for you and baby.

Being a mum is hard but amazing. Don't let your ex rob you of your joy. Xxx

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I have only few words of wisdom as currently in seperation myself with a toddler. I would say lean on support. It is ok to feel how you do but you will get through this. OK a practical note look up childcare for a rough figure as to what it will cost on your area. UC will not cover mortgage but you may get something due to cost of childcare. Entitled to will give you an indication as to what you may expect to get help with. Also check out the child maintanence website as it will show you roughly what to expect from him and make sure you apply when baby is born. You should also get child benefit of around £90 every 4 weeks. Once I did all these I felt better at where I would be financially long term

Some people should have a word with themselves before they post. What's with the person guilt tripping the OP about her choices and calling her feelings selfish.

Oh op, deep breath and stop spiralling into panic about all the issues, only some need addressing now and only a few right away, so make a plan.

Unless you are totally, absolutely sure you do not want children,( possibly for ever at your age) look at what needs to happen to create a new life with your baby.
Put firmly aside your image of what you wanted/worries about things/and put your practical head on. Millions of women have been where you are...and far worse.

Do a budget, accurately, for your maternity and after.

See what is unnecessary and be prepared to cut down if needed
.
Consider a remortage if you are not fixed, or change to interest only for a period of time to reduce payments.

Consider a female lodger if you have space.

Hopefully you can find a way to stay put.

Contact CMS. He needs to pay. Check if you are eligible for any benefits.

That's a start.

Everything else can wait

Don't be so hard on yourself. Everything seems clearer in hindsight.
You are anything but a failure! As other posters have pointed out, area are quite responsible, have a home and job. Do not compare yourself with others to so determine your success. Everyone is fighting their own battles no matter how together they seem.
Can't you rent out your home for now and get something cheaper? Or like someone has mentioned get a reliable boarder? That will help financially as well as offer you some company?
I Promise you in a few months you will feel s much better.
Do you have anyone to help you with baby once he's born?

I agree
That was a shitty thing to post to someone who is obviously struggling already

If you are in UK

Once baby is born

Put a claim into CMS for child maintenance, of course he should pay for his child

Claim child benefit

Can you get a lodger to help pay the mortgage ?look on www.gov.uk You can earn just over 7k without paying tax.
Some people only need a room Mon to Thursday if they are working away

Good luck

You should be entitled to childcare when you go back to work please check on entitled too you will definitely be entitled to child maintenance from your ex if he has the baby 1or 2 nights a week you'll be entitled to around £440 a month from him or if less than 1 night a week more . Has he not been in contact at all op? Everything needs sorting out with it all.

Please don't feel like a failure! If it is a struggle maybe try to get through a year in the house and then sell so you have your family nearby? Would it be possible to move back in with them for a while if everything gets too much for you in the house if you were to want to sell? You have a new beginning ahead of you and everything will work out.

@Cherryblossoms85 and @Hoppinggreen I was the poster who used the word 'selfish'. I'm not sure if you also noticed the other positive non 'shitty' things that I have posted.
My comments were not directed to you so I will not be breaking it down and explaining what I meant by it to you.
Read, advise and move on.

Your take home pay is about £2200 depending on pension. Between child benefit and child maintenance you'll get an extra £900 a month, so you'll have over £3k. Even with a £1k mortgage and (tax free) childcare you'll be ok, even if not living a life of luxury.