My whole life has fallen apart

[Juust]

dp walked out on me a month ago, hasn’t spoken since despite calls and texts and emails. I own the house we lived in and he owns a separate one, we’d not been together long only a couple of years. Im due to give birth in September and now left with a mortgage of 1k a month that is massively panicking me. I have 6 months maternity but after that I don’t know what to do with childcare etc. I’d only just bought the house a few months ago and it’s still got bits here and there that need finishing. I’m such a mess.

I feel like a failure, my siblings are all settled down with kids and I’m the oldest and my life is still a mess. My income will go down to 35k next year and I am too scared to look at what that even equates to after tax. No idea if ex will pay maintenance so can’t factor that in as I’ve literally not heard from him. He took a recent pay cut anyway to 55k and no idea if that makes him obligated to pay anything.

im so sad I keep thinking about adoption but I have always wanted to be a mum, just not like this. I will never be able to do this well alone, I can be practical but also quite needy for affection and I don’t know how I will cope without a relationship or some kind of company. Im 36 too so hardly a good age to start again with a baby in tow… it would be a while anyway before dates were even on the cards.

the thing is I knew he wasn’t necessarily right even a year or so ago. I knew it. I just went with it as he seemed responsible over all and nice and good fun so I figured I was getting older and just do it. Why?? I hate myself for not being stronger?! It felt like I was left and everyone had settled down

to make matters worse I live in a small village with a 20 minute drive to any other town. I thought it would be amazing with DP and my family close by but now it feels like I’m trapped. One shop and three pubs and that’s it.

everything feels so hard and I’m so so so scared. I wake up in the night panicking and god knows what it’s doing to the baby . All the dreams I had of a family are shattered and I feel horrendous.

@Govesdancingpartner @Lili132 it’s the idea of family life and how it should have been. I can’t really believe he’s gone but more than that I can’t believe he wouldn’t reassure me about maintenance (he just ignored my contact about it). It seems so unlike him. Definitely nobody else on the scene it just seems he doesn’t want to be involved in any way. I don’t know how I will cope emotionally about the family element and also how I will cope financially if he is difficult. He is employed as a director and quite well paid, the maintenede would mean little to him really, it’s just scared me that he’s even ignored me about that.

I'd maybe ask MN to remove name of your village.
If you're definitely receiving the £8/10k that's 9 months mortgage which gives you a good amount of breathing space.

Gosh you are really not a failure! Make the most of every resource you can. I loved my first health visitor. She was old fashioned but had a very positive impact on my life (no maternal/parental support) so much so I gave one of my daughters her name as a middle name. There are a lot of kind and supportive people/groups out there. Good luck.

How many bedrooms do you have? Work out roughly your outgoings and think about getting a female lodger at some point, to help pay the mortgage. Is that something you would consider?
i’m so sorry

Your ex will have to pay maintenance if he is going to be on the birth certificate. I'd speak to css about that but they can definitely do more things now than before , like automatic recovery of child maintenance via his employer.
also you can apply for child benefit which is not much but still something.
easier said than done but concentrate on yourself, your health and baby and hope everything works out.

Contact CMS and they will sort out the maintenance. You don't need contact with father to arrange maintenance www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

You may consider downsizing to take the financial pressure off.

OP, giving the name of your village will make you very easy to identify. Are you sure you want this? Otherwise, please ask Mumsnet to remove the name, just say "a small village".

I'm sorry for the pain you're in. But you're better off without the louse who dumped you. He will have to pay maintenance, and you have your own proven ability to support yourself and run a household. Most importantly, you will have your DC.

In my late 30s I was running around desperately trying to find someone to settle with because I was longing to have a baby. You will have your baby. The pressure to find a father is off. With all the hard work of being a single mother, you will have the freedom of not living with a selfish waster.

Best of luck with it all. When you get past this shocking betrayal, I think life will open up for you.

One step at a time. You will be ok.

Do not let him get away with not paying maintenance. Your child deserves better. Get everything ready to lodge your application.

I hadn't the words OP that @Cherryblossoms85 said.
You really will be ok. You can't make any decisions until you know exactly what the df is prepared to contribute so you know where you stand.
In the meantime look after yourself and maybe think about moving back near friends and family.
It really is doable. It's hard but not impossible. 🤞💐

Please dont sell up and rent, as suggested by one poster. Your house gives you a lot of security..i had to seĺl up and then became a single mum....it took many years to get back on the property ladder and i now have a mortgage into my 70s.

You are strong and you can do this, even though it feels daunting. See if you can find an antenatal class or similar to start making friends and consider a female lodger

Absolutely this. Even an au pair student type, all funded by ex hopefully. There's so many solutions but you need to know your situation with ex and see what the outlook is. He may even be supportive. Hold your nerves until you know the unknown x

Oh op this sounds tough but you'll have what it takes to do it. What id say is dont project too far ahead into the future, I lost my job in the pandemic, i was single with a 6 year old at the time. I went freelance and I coped mentally by just dealing with the here and now. Looking ahead felt like a wave of panic.

As others have said, downsize ASAP if you can or take a lodger. I did the lodger thing after dp left and it was great having the company and income. Plus you dont have to pay tax on a lodgers rent.

CMS for maintenance. Talk to them as soon as you can. If he's not self employed he won't be able to hide or downgrade his income

When the baby is born there are loads of mum and baby groups, some will have situations similar to yours, this will help and was where several new friendships can begin

But most of all, massive luck to you xx

It sounds like your biggest problem at the moment is that you feel overwhelmed. Which is a totally normal reaction when your life is all up in the air. You'll feel better once you have a plan b.

Ask a family member to help make a few lists of possible futures (lists should include costs like child care and if you need a car and with ir without cms). List A is what it will cost you to stay, list b is the cost of buying elsewhere (added bonus that you don't need space for twat face), list c is renting a home.

Then have the baby, put in a claim for CMS, just do option a, b or c and live a life with ypur cute baby. You don't need a man. There are pros to bringing up a child alone. You'll be your own team and you don't have to take into account another persons wants or parenting ideas. Holidays are easier too, they can stay with you in your tent/camper van/hotel rooms for aaaaages.

OP, it sounds like your relationship was on the rocks for a while. In the long run, being with your exDP and a baby would probably have worked out worse but he is being really horrible to his unborn child, leaving you to struggle like this.

I wondered if you know his family? Maybe you could contact one of his close relatives eg parent and ask if he’s ok, say you had a bad break up but his behaviour is worrying you. His baby is due in 3 months and you wanted to talk about contact, finances, that if he doesn’t get back in touch there is no chance you’ll want him at the birth after he has blanked you for months and it would be a shame to miss that if he has any idea he might want a relationship with his own child.

The emotional turmoil this has caused is making you think you can’t cope with the practical side of things. I’ve been there - feeling overwhelmed and out of control. So many things to do and no idea how you will have the energy to do them.

Break your problem into small pieces and each one accomplished will make you feel better

I think you should plan to move - but not immediately after the baby is born. Ask your family to set aside the inheritance and only pay it to you in instalments when you ask for it.

ask your midwife about local baby groups, and do attend a prenatal group. NCT might run a Bumps and Babies group locally so you can find a friend or two, and lots of churches have a free mum’s coffee morning (and I’ve seen some dads and grans there too).

your LA will have a list of childminders local to you online most likely, you can start calling to find out when someone will have a space

ask your employer if you can go back to work part time after 6 months and/or compressed hours and/or wfh

Do not start mat leave early unless for medical reasons. I know ladies who have waddled around til their waters broke at work. Keep your maternity notes and hospital bag on your car so you’re ready from 8 months.

Ask your Parents or siblings or even exDP’s Parents for help in the first month after baby is born. Tell them you are desperate. Ask if they can help with getting you home from hospital, staying for the first several days. If everyone rallies round they could each take a day or two off work and help you cope with the practicalities of being home alone with a newborn.

Start saving like crazy! Try not to buy anything brand new for baby - if you have siblings they may be able to loan you maternity clothes, baby clothes, bottles, cot, baby bouncer, pram, blankets, sling, breast pump. If they can’t try FB market for second hand stuff or bundles of clothes on eBay or Vinted.

And look for those little moments of quiet and joy - take the time to stop and “be” with your bump. Put on nice cheerful music, dance and feel the baby kick. Go for a walk in early morning sunshine and just… breathe.

It is sometimes terrifying thinking what lies ahead in your parenting journey but I can tell you that even with lots of bumps in the road, I wouldn’t change a thing - my kids are the best thing I ever did and the love, fun and joy they bring is invaluable. So much more than I ever expected. It can work out fine OP. You’ve got this.

You can do this !! (If you want to).

It all seems scary now but try and break it down.

Work out your finances because it's likely there will be benefits to help you. Maybe in a few years you could move house but don't do it now.

Start buying some baby bits from eBay or gumtree etc. they don't have to be new.

You will meet people especially when the baby is born. I've seen posts in the village where we live from new mums saying I don't know anyone and lots of other mums respond.

It will be hard but not impossible. You'll get through it

OP I mean this kindly but myself and my husband in full time work are only on marginally more than your lower income of £35k.
You will get help with childcare and maintenance from your ex (apply as soon as possible, you don't have the luxury of 'not being able to face it')
You are not in a terrible position, your lifestyle will obviously change but financially it is more than doable.
You are understandably upset but you will be fine.

It would be very foolish to liquidate your asset (house).

Wait until the dust settles.
Rents are high and dead money and people don’t usually get on the property ladder again.

Your mortgage is actually a lot lower than rent (depending on where you live of course).

With your salary and his maintenance you will be absolutely fine.

You don’t recognise it yet, but you are in a good position, compared to a lot of people.

You will come out the other side, and you will be very happy again, but unfortunately you have to go through this awful pain first.

Sorry to hear this OP. It seems overwhelming but you will get through this. I was a single parent from when my DS was a few months old, and it's actually easier than being with the wrong person.

Please don't sell your property!!! As others have said you can get a (female) lodger if you have a spare room, or just live frugally for a while. Only sell to buy somewhere new if you want to relocate in a year or two. You have too much hong on now. Your home is your present and future security.

Apply for CMS and any benefits you might be entitled to as soon as baby is born. Try and make some local mum friends, your health visitor may be able to help with that.

Good luck with everything.

IMHO please don't sell your house unless you are planning on buying else where. Your house is an investment for the future. See how your location suits you once baby is here.

I just wanted to say: what a bastard

You will be better off without him in the long run

I’m really struggling tonight. I don’t understand the silence. Even if he just said don’t worry I will pay what I need to…but nothing. He just hasn’t even replied to that so I am even more stressed than just the relationship ending.

I don’t know how I am going to cope at all. It was hard enough when I sent him the scan photo and he ignored it. I feel like my heart is breaking all the time and feel so distant from the baby like they are a reminder of everything awful that’s going on. I can’t cope at all I am so broken tonight.

It is understandable that you are feeling overwhelmed. Overwhelmed in the normal way when expecting a baby but also the heartbreak of the end of the relationship and his silence and the taking away of the future you had envisaged i.e. a “normal” family. But you know families take lots of different forms these days.

I was in a similar position many years ago terrified as i was pregnant though had been desperate to do so. It was overwhelming i also worried about paying mortgage (for a house i bought the previous year).

I felt overwhelmed by all the things I needed to buy, what was the best pram to get, monitor etc etc. I got maintenance and tax credits (as it was then) for childcare and went back to work after 6 months. I was lucky my parents were amazing and helped. Having been the last in my friendship group to have a baby I had numerous people to call on with endless questions on heating up bottles and other stuff! People will want to help you, particularly if they’ve had babies!.

Once I got past the first few scary weeks it started to get much better as I got to know how best to do things. I went to baby groups, great for support and easing worries and made friends there. Each week it was easier. Those times when I was alone with my precious baby in the middle if the night were truly the happiest times of my life.

You can do this I know you can. Just take it step by step and also focus on looking after yourself. You and baby WILL be a family. Perhaps do some antenatal yoga to help calm you.

@Lozzerbmc thank you. How did it work out for you in the end? Did the ex get involved? Did you meet someone else? I am so terrified of the future I really am.

Something has gone catastrophically wrong with this guy, I suspect you've had a lucky escape and that your lovely baby will grow up far more well rounded and not traumatised by a nasty dad that doesn't want to be there but stays for the 'sake of the kid'

You really need to work hard on changing your mindset on this. Use CBT tools off the web, getselfhelp is a great website. Start to focus on the lovely life you can create for you and your baby, which is often easier on on your own in comparison to carrying a dead weight husband. You still can have a perfect family unit, the only thing holding you back from that is your perception of what that is. It is a harmonious duo, best friends for life. Families come in all shapes and sizes these days.

He will have to pay you, it will be taken from his wages directly. You earn enough if you're careful and you can concentrate on career moves once you're back at work. These are the cards you've been dealt, mister all your strength to focus on your future. You're grieving the man you thought you had, what you actually had was trash.

My kids haven't benefitted from the 13 years I wasted with their dad at all, I really believe we could all have been much better off without him here. And he was generally nice, not a bad guy in obvious ways. You WILL BE FINE!

@Terrariatime thanks. I’m struggling so much tonight. One of the last things he said was that I had been awful to him. I’d snapped A LOT during pregnancy to be fair and I wonder if some of his behaviour was because of how I was treating him. It’s hard not to go over things especially as he’s been totally silent since that day. I want to believe things will get better but then the next moment I just want to die. I feel like I am drowning.