My whole life has fallen apart

[Juust]

dp walked out on me a month ago, hasn’t spoken since despite calls and texts and emails. I own the house we lived in and he owns a separate one, we’d not been together long only a couple of years. Im due to give birth in September and now left with a mortgage of 1k a month that is massively panicking me. I have 6 months maternity but after that I don’t know what to do with childcare etc. I’d only just bought the house a few months ago and it’s still got bits here and there that need finishing. I’m such a mess.

I feel like a failure, my siblings are all settled down with kids and I’m the oldest and my life is still a mess. My income will go down to 35k next year and I am too scared to look at what that even equates to after tax. No idea if ex will pay maintenance so can’t factor that in as I’ve literally not heard from him. He took a recent pay cut anyway to 55k and no idea if that makes him obligated to pay anything.

im so sad I keep thinking about adoption but I have always wanted to be a mum, just not like this. I will never be able to do this well alone, I can be practical but also quite needy for affection and I don’t know how I will cope without a relationship or some kind of company. Im 36 too so hardly a good age to start again with a baby in tow… it would be a while anyway before dates were even on the cards.

the thing is I knew he wasn’t necessarily right even a year or so ago. I knew it. I just went with it as he seemed responsible over all and nice and good fun so I figured I was getting older and just do it. Why?? I hate myself for not being stronger?! It felt like I was left and everyone had settled down

to make matters worse I live in a small village with a 20 minute drive to any other town. I thought it would be amazing with DP and my family close by but now it feels like I’m trapped. One shop and three pubs and that’s it.

everything feels so hard and I’m so so so scared. I wake up in the night panicking and god knows what it’s doing to the baby . All the dreams I had of a family are shattered and I feel horrendous.

Going back over messages doesn't help you move forward. Whatever you said it sounds like it was because you were frustrated and angry from being ignored or unsupported,

In relation to the birth I was birth partner for a friend who has her baby in similar circumstances. Ask a friend who is calm and competent and who you'd trust to be able to advocate for you if necessary. I was flattered to be asked.

And, nothing you said was an untruth. It is selfish to get rid of a child you knowingly have with a man you know isn't up to the mark, when the decide the heat is too much and leave. Too many women think babies will be the glue to bond them together, and it'd rarely the case.

In relation to the birth I was birth partner for a friend who has her baby in similar circumstances. Ask a friend who is calm and competent and who you'd trust to be able to advocate for you if necessary. I was flattered to be asked.

Absolutely this. Or a doula.

Honestly, I dont really get this, and i think its more hormones and shock. Having a man isn't the be all and end all of life itself! I am a single and lone parent, and I have been since day 1 and I actually enjoy and prefer it that way. And on 35K with a house you own your not in a bad position at all, far far from it!!! You need to stop dwelling on a flakey arsehole of a man that has deserted you and the baby and find the power to be a strong confident powerful woman, with clearly a good career and a owned house, and look to a bright future bringing up your baby as you wish. You WILL get maintenance. Men make your life miserable and hard work, single life and motherhood has alot of perks yet it always seems to be frowned upon and viewed negatively. You've got alot going for you. More so than he has!

Look don't panic OP, it seems like the end of the world now but I was in this exact same position as a young woman and now at 60 I am living in a massive house with my DS and DiL and extremely happy.
We all wanted to live together because DiL has no family at all so we divided up a house in the country and have our own flats in it with a lovely shared garden.
But when I had DS it was a different story. I was a full time nurse and had no family in the country at all. I had to downsize from my big house into an affordable home that I owned and move and retrain to a 9-5 NHS job because you can't do 12 hour shifts with a baby, it was tough for the first 5 years but we did it.
My DS is my best friend and I would never be without him, it was all worth it.
You don't need to finish all the work in your house now - this is a very modern thing. It took me 10 years to finish doing up my flat.
Yes you may have to move, you may have to economise and you may have to wait to do the things you want but when you see your baby there is no way you will be able to let go.
Hang on in there, use your financial head, spend the next few months seeing what you are entitled to.
You can do this, thousands of women have been strong before you and you can be strong too.

Hi OP, sorry I've been traveling and only noticed now that you responded to my first post. I didn't mean to give the impression that you need to justify anything! You being upset that he didn't show more interest in the baby is very understandable.

I hear you about not wanting to go down the judicial/official route yet as concerns maintenance. It's really really sad having to shift what used to be a relationship into that gear. Maybe if you signal that you're not trying to win him back, just settle the practicalities of having his child, he'll respond?

I do think he's a knob though for not responding already. You sound like you're really suffering and beating yourself up, and I just can't see why this situation should be thought of as your fault.

I just hope you start feeling better and find a way forward. Even if it doesn't feel like it now, you've got this. 💪

Wishing you a merry Christmas, OP and hope things are more settled for you now

I went through this years ago OP and realised that I had to sell the place and downsize or my life would be a nightmare. I don't think £35k is going to be enough to pay a mortgage like this tbh.
It is a horrible situation to be in but you need to think with your head and do what's best for your baby and you.
In fact I've done this twice, had to downsize after divorce 5 years ago and moved across the country. It was tough but I feel so happy and relieved now.
Take home would be around £2,265. Mortgage of 1k and childcare will be about the same unless your mum will step up. It's not doable, you need to downsize.