My whole life has fallen apart

[Juust]

dp walked out on me a month ago, hasn’t spoken since despite calls and texts and emails. I own the house we lived in and he owns a separate one, we’d not been together long only a couple of years. Im due to give birth in September and now left with a mortgage of 1k a month that is massively panicking me. I have 6 months maternity but after that I don’t know what to do with childcare etc. I’d only just bought the house a few months ago and it’s still got bits here and there that need finishing. I’m such a mess.

I feel like a failure, my siblings are all settled down with kids and I’m the oldest and my life is still a mess. My income will go down to 35k next year and I am too scared to look at what that even equates to after tax. No idea if ex will pay maintenance so can’t factor that in as I’ve literally not heard from him. He took a recent pay cut anyway to 55k and no idea if that makes him obligated to pay anything.

im so sad I keep thinking about adoption but I have always wanted to be a mum, just not like this. I will never be able to do this well alone, I can be practical but also quite needy for affection and I don’t know how I will cope without a relationship or some kind of company. Im 36 too so hardly a good age to start again with a baby in tow… it would be a while anyway before dates were even on the cards.

the thing is I knew he wasn’t necessarily right even a year or so ago. I knew it. I just went with it as he seemed responsible over all and nice and good fun so I figured I was getting older and just do it. Why?? I hate myself for not being stronger?! It felt like I was left and everyone had settled down

to make matters worse I live in a small village with a 20 minute drive to any other town. I thought it would be amazing with DP and my family close by but now it feels like I’m trapped. One shop and three pubs and that’s it.

everything feels so hard and I’m so so so scared. I wake up in the night panicking and god knows what it’s doing to the baby . All the dreams I had of a family are shattered and I feel horrendous.

So you hid your shitty comment in amongst more "positive" things, well done.
I dont actually need you to break anything down for me either.
This lady is obviously struggling and already feels a lot of guilt so I do think it was unnecessary and unpleasant to call her selfish if she was to consider adoption. I actually think that in some cases giving up a baby for adoption is an incredibly unselfish thing to do ( I am not saying OP should or shouldnt but its her choice)
Read, advise, dont call OP names

@Juust you are not a failure.

It will be tough but you will survive.

Chase him for maintenance. Don't let him get away with this.

Being in a small village might actually help you. People are mostly kind. I would prefer this to a busier lifestyle, especially where children are involved.

Is there a childminder in the village? What are your plans for your maternity leave?

I agree with @Hoppinggreen and @Cherryblossoms85 .

It was a very shitty thing to say to the Op.
Termination and adoption are not selfish and no-one should be made to feel guilty if they are considering them.

I have reported the post

You said your family was close by?

I presume you're a first time mum. It's hard work to get to know your baby and look after the baby. As a first time mum myself, I have a great symphathy for your situation.

I think practically what you need to do is to think about childcare arrangement. Could your family somehow help you with it just for a couple of days? Then... I think it may be possible to pay the mortgage and the childcare.

When it's sorted out, what you need to do in your situation is... to be strong. I completely understand how you feel. However when one door is closed another is open. It's true. I've been there. Please don't despair. You can do it.

@whoamI00 i have a small inheritance of 8-10k that my family have said they will give me in winter. I just feel so overwhelmed. I can’t believe he hasn’t been in touch to talk about arrangements, I could handle the break up better if he was being reasonable and nice about that side of things. I don’t think I can face making an application and going through all that. It seems so awful.

Yes actually I miss the point. For me.. it's unforgivable that he left you when you're heavily pregnant. It's not you but he is the failure.

@whoamI00 he must absolutely hate me. I was a bit of a bitch and very stressed about things which I took out on him a lot. But we’d been happy, didn’t think he’d blank me at the very least

Juust you are not a failure. You will come through this.

Please understand that by saying the 'act' is selfish I was by no means trying to be malicious.

That said is it not a tad bit selfish to 'want' a baby, embrace the pregnancy for 6 whole months only to decide that you no longer want the innocent baby caught up in all this drama because your partner leaves?
OP is not in her right state of mind right now, and might not be thinking straight. Sometimes we have to listen to harsh truths to help us realize that we could potentially be making a bad choice which we might later regret. It would be a disservice to OP to stroke each doubt and agree with everything she says hence her asking advice.

OP I truly apologize that my statement seemed like a personal attack on you. That was not at all my intention. As I've mentioned, I know you can do it and you will come out stronger. I do wish you everything of the every best.

@minou123 you can go ahead and report this post too!

Don't worry, I have

This all sounds extremely stressful. I would try to explain to family as you have here and say that under your original circumstances you wouldn't ask them to do more than they;ve already offered, but you are sinking and really need them to offer additional support until you have worked out how to run your new life.

I would sell the house, find a small, much cheaper two-bed flat or cottage near to where you work, if you are guaranteed to be there a while, or in a small town where you are likely to find good nurseries. creches, child care etc.

He's the father - he pays. Chase him, find him and demand he covers half the baby's expenses including the roof over her head and her heating bills. Get a really sharp lawyer onto him. If you trust him generally, I would also try to insist he participates in your child's life and has her EOW to give you a break.

Have you considered a lodger?

OP, I am sorry that you are going through this but remove the name of your village from your post, it would be easy enough to identify you.

@MummyTo2Monsters you should be really ashamed of your posts. You sound like you're pushing a pro-life agenda which isn't helping anyone.
OP is clearly upset and you're not helping.

OP You're understandably panicking but you're due soon so you need to be practical. I'm sure once you've sat and looked at things properly you'll feel more in control.

Women with less money than you manage brilliantly as single mums. You can absolutely do this.

The mortgage is worrying you so you need to look at your budget. A very basic incoming v outgoing. Can you pay your bills?

What are your options around moving? Would you like to? Yes it would be tough to move once baby is here but maybe your inheritance could help pay movers so it's more doable alone?

Do you have the baby stuff you need? If not, list what you need and start looking at sales etc to pick stuff up.

If your ex is employed by a company, you will be able to claim maintenance. Look online at how much this should be and do it via CMS so he can't mess you around.
You don't need to talk to him about this, just do it when baby is born.

Do you have friends who you can lean on a little? Even if it's just to go and chat to, it will help.

Ultimately, your ex is the least important part of this equation. Stop worrying about the choices you made with him - you haven't done anything wrong here and you really need to remind yourself of that.

Pro-life? I have had a termination in the past and know exactly what it did to me!
I thought I was making the right decision, only to regret it later. I wish someone would've given me the same advise back then! SO please do not call me out on my comments as I am advising OP based on my personal experience!

You are pregnant which can make your emotions seem overwhelming, it's a scary time, hormones yada yada. Most of us had feelings of 'I won't be able to do this alone', 'what the hell am I doing I'm not capable of being a mum', 'What if I cannot afford this child' honestly most mums spent nights awake during pregnancy just eating themselves up with self doubt.
You are in the very early days after a relationship breakdown, you're likely still in panic mode, feeling very alone with your self confidence in the gutter, the shock dumps you outside of your own identity for a while as you readjust which is also shit.

These things combined WILL have affected your outlook, making every thing seem huge and bleak and unachievable and because your self confidence has taken a beating it's harder to see what you are capable of achieving.

In reality you are a responsible adult with a home and you are about to become a mum, You are NOT failing at anything and nothing has fallen apart, things have changed really quickly and you had zero control over it.

For many of us motherhood gave us a new identity and a sense of purpose, It can shift your whole outlook fairly dramatically, so expect things to change again when baby arrives, spend the next few months just staying upright and treating yourself well, you need a bit of TLC so give yourself that.

I promise you that the idea of your family with 'the wrong man' will vanish and he will become totally irrelevant to your life and new identity.

Applying for CMS takes about Ten minutes and is surprisingly painless. Do it while still in hospital.

You are on the verge of a new chapter in your life and this time next year you will have settled into your new role but right now you're on an emotional rollercoaster and can't trust your own judgement of how the future will be.

@goldfinchonthelawn hes not spoken since he left so I guess that means he wants no involvement. I even messaged about finance and no response to that either. It’s quite upsetting as even though we argued I didn’t think he was like that, he could just be in touch about practical stuff and say he’s not planning on being involved.

@FranklySonImTheGaffer I don’t even know what I need to get and feel overwhelmed by it as I never wanted to do it alone. I sometimes look but have only got a cardigan so far.

i could move but it feels massively overwhelming to do that now. I don’t think I could do it. Where my family are is quite pricey as it is and the rates have all gone up. Feel so stressed.

I’m doing on £13k at the moment. It’s not fun and it’s not sustainable, but I am doing it.

I’m not saying this to make you feel bad or appreciate ‘how lucky you are’ but to show you it’s possible and that you have good wiggle room, even with childcare expenses. It’s completely possible to work out a solution and you’ll get there.

he should def be paying something on £55k, and assets. It does seem like you are used to comparatively high wages and expenses and I’m not judging that, but you are a long way from where you need to panic. You will need to look carefully at your expenses and figure out a plan that’s possibly quite different from how you lived before. I think 1k mortgage, plus childcare and bills is going to be tough. OK with maintenance, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable relying on it for essentials. Men can be shits about it. Better to lower your outgoings so you can comfortably meet them, and use maintenance for less essential spending that can ride the blips if there are any. Good luck!

@PleaseGoDontGoAgain thank you, I believe what you’re saying I just don’t feel it. I also miss him terribly even though I’m amazed he’s not even replied to organise finance etc. Genuinely amazed by it. I never thought he was cruel even if he stopped loving me.

I know it feels like your world is falling apart right now but you will pick up the pieces and fix your life for you and your baby. Not many people facing the prospect of being a single mother feel like they can do it alone at first, it's incredibly hard, but you will get used to it and it has it's perks. You can raise your baby however you like and you don't have anyone to argue with over parenting choices, you have extra wardrobe space and have a whole bed to yourself if he snores that's even better. Think in a couple of years you will look back at this time and be proud that you got through it. Things will get better, this will only make you stronger as a person. And 35 Is not that old you can still potentially meet someone.

If I'm honest OP, I think you should wait till you've had the baby and then sell up and rent. I checked in area within 5 miles of where you mentioned and it's clear you could save£300 a month. I don't know what you get on maternity leave or if you have equity if you sell but if it's not much then you put yourself in a position to maybe claim some UC and work less hours too if that's possible- meaning less childcare needed. A lot of these things are quite temporary for a couple of years as childcare funding kicks in - and it may be with a bit of an inheritance combined with some time at home post baby you can ride it out - really depends how much maternity pay you get. Do not forget though if you don't get much maternity pay you can still get UC , you just don't get help towards mortgage for 9 months- it doesn't count as capital though for purpose of UC- however the 8 to 10k would reduce your payments slightly. Its all surmountable, seriously , even though it doesn't feel like it now- and make sure he pays up his CMS!!

What a twat. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I'm a similar age, and single. In your position, I would keep the baby and make it work as a single parent somehow. Obviously your choice though.

I know your head will be all over the place, but I think it would help to get really practical, and make a solid plan, even if it means a tough next few years. Phone your most practical friends and ask for advice. If family will help, stay near them. If not, maybe think about downsizing to somewhere a bit cheaper and less remote? Find out exactly what money you'll be entitled to and work out a financial plan. Look for second hand baby equipment on facebook, they'll grow out of it so fast anyway.

Good luck🌷

Op the advice about a lodger is a very good idea.
Can you speak to your mortgage provider and take the mortgage over a longer period.
Can you rent your house and rent a cheaper place.
Now to your baby, you are in a panic at the moment please talk to the mh team honestly they can give you advice and signpost you to other helpful agencies.
Please don't let this bastard win you want to be a mum and I am sure you will be an amazing mum my lovely.

Keep posting on here because you will get amazing advice on how other mns have been in your position and how they made it work.
Sorry I cannot be more help op but really wish you all the best xx

OP you will get help with childcare through universal credit. He will also have to pay child maintenance.
I know it looks very difficult now but you will get through it and you can still have a happy fulfilling life!