My whole life has fallen apart

[Juust]

dp walked out on me a month ago, hasn’t spoken since despite calls and texts and emails. I own the house we lived in and he owns a separate one, we’d not been together long only a couple of years. Im due to give birth in September and now left with a mortgage of 1k a month that is massively panicking me. I have 6 months maternity but after that I don’t know what to do with childcare etc. I’d only just bought the house a few months ago and it’s still got bits here and there that need finishing. I’m such a mess.

I feel like a failure, my siblings are all settled down with kids and I’m the oldest and my life is still a mess. My income will go down to 35k next year and I am too scared to look at what that even equates to after tax. No idea if ex will pay maintenance so can’t factor that in as I’ve literally not heard from him. He took a recent pay cut anyway to 55k and no idea if that makes him obligated to pay anything.

im so sad I keep thinking about adoption but I have always wanted to be a mum, just not like this. I will never be able to do this well alone, I can be practical but also quite needy for affection and I don’t know how I will cope without a relationship or some kind of company. Im 36 too so hardly a good age to start again with a baby in tow… it would be a while anyway before dates were even on the cards.

the thing is I knew he wasn’t necessarily right even a year or so ago. I knew it. I just went with it as he seemed responsible over all and nice and good fun so I figured I was getting older and just do it. Why?? I hate myself for not being stronger?! It felt like I was left and everyone had settled down

to make matters worse I live in a small village with a 20 minute drive to any other town. I thought it would be amazing with DP and my family close by but now it feels like I’m trapped. One shop and three pubs and that’s it.

everything feels so hard and I’m so so so scared. I wake up in the night panicking and god knows what it’s doing to the baby . All the dreams I had of a family are shattered and I feel horrendous.

Whatever you did, OP, simply cannot justify him leaving you and ignoring you while you are carrying his baby. A special type of man stoops that low. I’m so sorry it’s happened when you are feeling particularly vulnerable. And it’s awful - let’s all acknowledge it for what it is. I would work on getting as much practical support as you can now for when the baby arrives. Don’t let that scumbag ruin enjoyment of your precious baby. Are you able to keep busy and in the company of people? When you start to feel low, can you take a walk or have a bath or do something that distracts you? Keep talking
to your midwife and the mental health team. You will be experiencing all kinds of hormone and upset from the break up. Of course you’re going to feel sad and be up and down. But hang in there and ride it out - it will get better!

Hi OP. You are stronger than you realise. You have a good job and your own place. Things seem scary now and they will be challenging but you will cope. In time you’ll meet someone new too. Like a pp said - give yourself a couple of days to be sad about the future you hoped to have with him and then on Monday start planning for your future baby. There is a list on here about newborn essentials and also one on John Lewis website. I got lots of ideas and then picked up a lot second hand.
Plan ahead as much as you can, wash and sort all the baby clothes and learn how to use all the baby equipment before baby arrives. Find out all the benefits you qualify for and what maintenance you are entitled to and how to claim for it. Good luck.

@redastherose thanks. He got particularly frosty with me when I started saying I needed to see family (70 miles away) and asked if he would drive as I felt so sick, or when I needed him to take time off for an appointment… it was all a huge inconvenience to him and I massively lashed out when that became apparent. I felt like a mug as I had always accommodated him and his timeframes for things even down to having nearly every Saturday to himself so he could do work/swim/whatever he wanted. I just went along with all that to make him happy and I think my demands made it really hard for him. I am so scared I won’t be enough. I don’t want to claim maintenance it seems so absurd we can’t just talk about it like adults. I feel so sad about that, it’s embarrassing :(

Don’t be embarrassed! He should feel shame. Not you.

@iphonequestion thanks, I was pretty shitty to him now I think back. Quite demanding that he was at all appointments when it probably wasn’t strictly necessary, suddenly wanting to see my family more (I’m not sure why exactly, I just felt I needed to) and he didn’t like taking up a day of the weekend doing that. Once I got cross in the car and threw a Burger King onto the footwell… not my finest moment, I just felt so unsupported at times that the vulnerability shot up and I would swear at him and be quite unkind. That said, I guess he could stop the silent treatment and be civil at least. I think that’s what hurts most, the total silence, like I am nothing to him. I have some family around but they are often away. I do have friends but I find that hard at the moment as I’m embarrassed about what’s going on.

@GreyGoose1980 thank you for the support xx

It sounds like he wasn’t ready for the responsibility for him just to walk away from his pregnant partner is awful. I know it’s hard but try not to panic. Look on entitled to, to see what you are owed benefit wise. As a single parent you should get childcare paid for. I wouldn’t panic about the house yet. Be proud that you have one and he isn’t named! Make little plans for when baby is born. Look for groups you can join and make friends as having other mums around you will be helpful. Try not to compare yourself to your siblings this is your life not theirs. You may look back in time and realise how lucky you are to have your baby and your life. It won’t be easy but I think you can do it. Good luck.

Op if you do a search for something like ‘child maintenance calculator’ there’s a gov website where you can enter your ex’s salary, how many days he’ll have the baby (presumably none) and if he’s living with other children and it says that you are entitled to about £500 a month from him. Please don’t feel bad for claiming it, as I said it’s nothing compared to what you’ll pay.

A sleeping bag is instead of blankets that baby could wriggle under. You get them in different thicknesses 0.5 togs, 1 tog, 2.5 togs

it sounds complicated but it isn’t, I had Grobags and they came with a chart that told me which tog my baby should wear and what clothes underneath.

www.johnlewis.com/anyday-john-lewis-partners-panda-print-sleeping-bag-1-tog-multi/p6252071

@Jewel7 thanks. Someone else mentioned childcare being paid for but I haven’t seen this anywhere?

It's so much better to do it alone than with a bloke who you know deep down isn't right.

That little baby is going to love you so so much. Of course you can and should date in the future and there are loads of good guys in their 30s and 40s who wont be "put off" by a baby.

But put all of that out of your mind. Try to sleep. Do whatever makes you feel good. Treat yourself. And get ready to meet your bebe. You don't need your ex or anyone to make this work. You are free. It will be hard but you are in control of your own future.

There are so many of women on here (me incldued) trying to escape marriages to the wrong guy. The fact you knew he wasn't right anyway means even if he hadn't left...you'd have had a few tricky years and then you'd be posting on here about leaving him.

Honestly OP you don’t sound that bad. Just hormonal and unhappy by his behaviour which is completely understandable. He will know that too. He’s not that stupid. If he were decent, he wouldn’t be ignoring you now like a coward. Where is he now? Staying with family? They should feel ashamed, not you. Please stop beating yourself up. Be kind and look after yourself.

I have been through a break up, happened a month ago like you, and I understand about not wanting to see friends just yet. It feels too raw doesn’t it? Maybe force yourself to when you feel ready. It will feel tough but I’m sure you will feel better in their presence. You need to surround yourself with people who care about you.

Why aren’t your family around so much, especially at a time like this? Where do they go away?

@stealthninjamum thanks that’s really helpful. 500 seems like a lot would that not pay for most if not all baby stuff each month? Xx

I’m not sure as I’ve never applied but if you go to the entitledto website and put in your predicted childcare costs it will give you all the details of how/where to claim and how much you would be entitled to, I think it’s part of the tax/child credits claim.

I'm a single working mum of 4 with my own house (mortgaged)
Check what benefits you will be entitled to. Check how much child support he will have to pay you (online calculator). You also get child benefit if you earn under 60k. You might find alot of the childcare is paid for I'm not sure as I've never used that facility. My work is home based and my kids are not toddlers or babies. You could always take in a lodger or two if you have the space. You will manage even if it seems impossible right now you will.

OP he sounds like he could be jealous of the attention you’ll be giving the baby when she arrives.
You’ve been doing all of the accommodating, for example Saturdays, given over to what he wants yet he got annoyed when you wanted to spend time with your family. It was an inconvenience to him. As long as you were pandering to him he was happy to let you.
You may not agree but I think you and baby have had a lucky escape.
Time to get angry and start planning,:
He is ignoring you now but he won’t when you hit him in the pocket and claim CMS. And you need to claim it. Don’t carry the financial burden alone.
In the meantime look into any benefits you could claim.
Baby Equipment. Ideally He should pay half, but most likely won’t so look into second hand, I wouldn’t bother with a Moses basket, they aren’t in them for long and every baby I’ve known didn’t seem to like them.
Cots, get a Cot bed, it can double as a bed when baby transitions from cot to bed. Again some good second hand ones are to be had, The best bargains are those that grandparents like myself bought new for sleepovers when gc stayed over. Now long out grown. I sold it for £50.00: with all the bedding included.
sleeping bag is exactly that, with poppers on but it isn’t essential.
You’ve got two months to plan so make the most of the time.
You’ll get through this.

Look at benefits calculators. If you are eligible for universal credit you can get 85% of your childcare costs paid up to a maximum of around £600ish a month.

Please don't ignore child maintenance. Do it via the gov.uk site. He needs to step up and support the child he has helped to create. No excuses.

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs

@Thinkingblonde he did sometimes say ‘I guess this is how it is now, what I need isn’t important’ … not in a mopey way just a matter of fact way.

I thought it was quite sweet and he was being nice. Can’t sleep I’m so sad

Stop beating yourself up about your behaviour. Sounds like you were reacting to his anyway. Clearly things haven’t been right for a while.

Better he’s gone now than you try and leave him later. Being a single parent is hard but totally possible and incredibly rewarding. It’s harder to stay in an unhappy relationship, believe me! The resentments only build and it’s possible from what you’ve said you’d have been effectively a single parent anyway what with him needing to do all his own stuff at weekends etc.

Such a lot of amazing advice here. Claim what you are entitled to. No point being a martyr because you feel bad about taking his money - you’ll need it and it’s for your baby not you.

Write those lists and tick items off. Hopefully your family can help you when baby arrives. And you never know, at some point he may decide to turn back into a decent human and want to see his child.

In the meantime, turn your focus to the baby and becoming a perfect team. A close friend of mine’s husband left her when she was pregnant. That was 18 years ago and they’re so close and have a great relationship - he’s just a random occasional visitor who has pretty much no relationship with his daughter.

Families are all so different these days. Celebrate your situation and be proud that you can do this!! Own it. Kick the ass off it!

DWP has Get Help with Child Maintenance service that links into the Apply. The advice will be to try a family based agreement if you can as you might be able to get more and better. If you go down the forced payment route it is the bare minimum and it's much harder to change. Plus some paying parents won't budge on extras because it's all they are required to pay.

You can do this with or without him!

Try contacting local childminders/nurseries. To find out costs so you can make a plan. Childminders tend to be cheaper. If you explain your situation they may be able to help point you in the right direction.
As I believe some accept childcare vouchers. I’m not sure who is entitled to those though.
I think I read that you hadn’t spoken with your friends yet. I’m sure if you gave a good group of friends they would hate you to be suffering alone. Could you message them and explain what has happened and how your feeling. X

I’m thinking more about the birth now and how overwhelming that’s going to be on my own. I can’t imagine him not being there with me. I’m so scared. How can he do this to me? I don’t think he ever really wanted this at all. I feel so alone, I know I have family and friends but it’s still fundamentally lonely. I just can’t believe this has happened and I’m in this situation.

the practical advice here has been really helpful thank you. I’m not sure how to navigate the emotional side, it seems to get worse as time goes on.

Once you’re actually in labour you won’t have a clue who’s there and who’s not. In my experience anyway!

Can you ask someone else to be there? They’d be honoured I’m sure.

Talk to your doctor or midwife and explain what’s happened. Ask for support. You don’t have to do this alone.

Once you tell one person it will feel easier. Is there one friend or family member you can speak to? They will want to know to support you. Put yourself in their shoes, and your situation was a family member or friend. You’d want to know to help and support x

Please don't blame yourself. As others have said his reaction (and subsequent lack of contact) is not normal and suggests he has major issues. I imagine he can't cope with not having his needs met. He must also have no empathy as it's impossible for him to behave as he has if he had empathy.

I think that’s what hurts most, the total silence, like I am nothing to him

I think this is deliberate, he wants to cruelly punish you and knows complete silence will make you feel invalidated and anxious. I can't stress enough...you have been the victim of this man. Sure, you're not perfect but no "normal" person ghosts their pregnant partner. I suspect you are not the first woman he has done this to.

Your shock is natural, akin to trauma so it will take a time to process. Focus on getting through each day. Perhaps try to handle one task each day, don't expect too much from yourself, it could be - order a baby item or start a budget for mat leave. Just one small step each day.

CMS claim is very straight forward but can't be done until baby is born so you can add an amount as income on your budget as well as child allowance. I don't think moving is right now. If you have some money use that to cover the mortgage for 8-months. That will take you to next year when you will also consider going back to work.

Consider getting some support as a single mum. There will be many women like you so look out for forums. I had an amazing mum friend in baby group who was single from early pregnancy. She had a wonderful baby and coped fantastically. So will you!

@Fireflygal thanks I just can’t believe he could be so cruel. Why not just respond and say ‘Juust, we are broken up so I don’t want to talk but I will pay what I owe so you don’t need to worry about that. Please stop contacting me.’

Because then he’s made himself clear and has acknowledged his responsibility. I can’t understand it as he never seemed like a nasty or cruel man? He was difficult sometimes and quite selfish but not really cruel or insensitive? That’s what is making me feel so terrible.

I was going back through our messages and I wasn’t nice to him I had called him names and so on. I’d told him he’d be a shit dad at one point and even said I’d be better finding someone else. I’be apologised to him but obviously he’s not interested. It’s the stone cold silence so out of the blue that I don’t think i can get over… he didn’t even explain himself.