My whole life has fallen apart

[Juust]

dp walked out on me a month ago, hasn’t spoken since despite calls and texts and emails. I own the house we lived in and he owns a separate one, we’d not been together long only a couple of years. Im due to give birth in September and now left with a mortgage of 1k a month that is massively panicking me. I have 6 months maternity but after that I don’t know what to do with childcare etc. I’d only just bought the house a few months ago and it’s still got bits here and there that need finishing. I’m such a mess.

I feel like a failure, my siblings are all settled down with kids and I’m the oldest and my life is still a mess. My income will go down to 35k next year and I am too scared to look at what that even equates to after tax. No idea if ex will pay maintenance so can’t factor that in as I’ve literally not heard from him. He took a recent pay cut anyway to 55k and no idea if that makes him obligated to pay anything.

im so sad I keep thinking about adoption but I have always wanted to be a mum, just not like this. I will never be able to do this well alone, I can be practical but also quite needy for affection and I don’t know how I will cope without a relationship or some kind of company. Im 36 too so hardly a good age to start again with a baby in tow… it would be a while anyway before dates were even on the cards.

the thing is I knew he wasn’t necessarily right even a year or so ago. I knew it. I just went with it as he seemed responsible over all and nice and good fun so I figured I was getting older and just do it. Why?? I hate myself for not being stronger?! It felt like I was left and everyone had settled down

to make matters worse I live in a small village with a 20 minute drive to any other town. I thought it would be amazing with DP and my family close by but now it feels like I’m trapped. One shop and three pubs and that’s it.

everything feels so hard and I’m so so so scared. I wake up in the night panicking and god knows what it’s doing to the baby . All the dreams I had of a family are shattered and I feel horrendous.

You will be fine. You really will. Take it all one day at a time.

it’s so mean not to respond. Try not to contact him. Turn your thoughts away from him and whatever happened. Doesn’t matter why now, you are where you are.

You’re better off alone than trying to rely on someone who doesn’t really want to be there. That way lies resentment and fights and misery. It may not feel like it now but I promise you it is.

You’re allowed to be broken, each day it will get a little easier until you’re ready to cope again. So don’t give yourself a hard time for feeling this way.

Before you know it your baby will be here and you’ll be consumed by love. It won’t be easy but it will be rewarding.

You can totally do this xx

Maybe he did leave because of that, maybe he didn't, you may never know. Either way, peace will only come from within yourself. Acceptance of your current situation. He was in a committed relationship with a baby on the way. He should have spoken to you like a big boy and tried to resolve this, your pregnant partner being a bit of a snippy cow is not justification to up and leave without a word. The way he is treating you now is definitely not your fault, and at best, really immature and shitty.

Unless he's dropped dead, he can send you a text to deal with these important responsibilities. With the best will in the world, it's time for you to draw a line, get your focus off this waste of space, and get ready for this little person coming along. It will be tough, but you'll get through it!!

What have you done today to help yourself? What do you plan to do tomorrow to help yourself? You need a plan for this, you need to be proactive!

Things worked out with ex after a few years but we didnt live together for some years. I was quite happy on my own and truly loved the time just me and my child.

As others have said you need to change mindset a bit and not think of him (easy to say i know). Perhaps some counselling will help you accept the situation you are in and help you see what you have to look forward to, which is lots!

Perhaps allow yourself this wknd to be miserable about him and his treatment of you, eat some ice cream, watch some weepy movies with your duvet. Dance around the house playing gloria gaynor I will survive. Then on Monday think right thats done. Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Baby prep begins! Once baby is here you’ll be consumed with so much love nothing else will matter trust me!

OP this thread has made me so sad, particularly when you say how sad you are about how your idea of family has been shattered :( you and your baby will be a family all of your own! I don’t have much advice re finance and maintenance etc but when I am overwhelmed writing a physical list always helps me. I appreciate yours could look a bit scary written out but perhaps once you start working through it and striking things through it’ll be a visual reminder that you CAN DO THIS. With regards to feeling like you’re drowning, stop fighting the waves, let them teach you what they need to teach you. You’ve got this x

@Lozzerbmc i can’t imagine feeling like that I just worry now that I will just see my ex in the baby and even resent the baby because of the situation. I’m terrified I will feel nothing for them. That’s what’s made me think about adoption :(

From what you've said you wanted a baby more than the relationship otherwise you wouldn't have settled for someone who you knew wasn't right.

Baby's on its way and you'll have the pleasure of being a mum. It's not going to be easy but you won't have to be with someone you know isn't right for you.

If he had feelings for you I can understand why he'd be hurting and angry with you if he found out you already questioned the relationship especially if you were being mean to him, being pregnant isn't a get out of jail free card for bad behaviour on either persons part. Give him time he may come around and you can move on amicably.

One thing you can do straight away to help your finances OP is apply for a council tax reduction if he's no longer living there. So sorry he has done this to you. x

I honestly think those fears will disappear once you have had baby. Babies just look like babies. But i would have some counselling to help you address these fears and help you address the adoption idea. You know you are so lucky to be having a baby it took me 10 years of IVF! You can do this. You willl be happy again.

Your situation sounds just awful. How stressful. Could you sell your house and buy something more affordable on your salary?

@momtoboys not before the baby, no :( only just bought it too so would be 15k stamp duty waste. So stressed

1. claim Child support from him even if you have to go through cms
2. go to entitled to.com, put in your details as they will be when the baby is here - it will tell you all the benefits you will be entitled to eg council benefit, child benefit, tax credits etc
3. go through your bills and see if any you can reduce/get rid of.
4. can you go interest only on the mortgage for a bit?
5. look at ways of getting additional income eg a lodger (but maybe be careful who you get) another single mother with a baby would be ideal. rent out your drive to a commuter if near a big city or airport, etc
6. You should be able to get 85% of your childcare paid for so look into that.

I’m sorry op, I know it seems hard (understatement) but in a couple of years you’ll be sorted and with a beautiful child and you’ll have so much love in your life.

i would stop contacting your ex, it will only upset you when he doesn’t reply. Do you think you could focus on practical things like getting the nursery ready? We could help you write a shopping list. Many things are available second hand on Facebook if you’re worried about money on things like cots, Moses baskets, prams etc but for safety reasons it’s best to buy new mattresses and car seats.

Your ex will need to pay £500 a month and you’ll get child support from the government. A lodger is a good suggestion too if you have space.

Is there an anti natal or NCT group to join? I’m still friends with four women from mine after 15 years. And you’ll find lots of baby groups. It may be scary and lonely but other than school and university I found the baby days were when I had the most opportunity to make friends.

Good luck op, I know it’s hard but you will just find the strength from somewhere.

@BrieAndChilli how would I get 85% of childcare paid for? Thank you

@stealthninjamum thank you. I’m finding it hard thinking of what the baby needs as I thought we would go together, it’s breaking my heart. I have got on a list a Moses basket, changing mat, cot, bedside cot, pram and car seat. I feel so scared. I don’t want to do this alone. I really really don’t.

OP - didn't you post about this under a different name just a few days ago? If it's not you, I apologise, just there seems to be a rash of partners who own their own homes, walking out on heavily pregnant DP's after an argument and blanking them completely.

If it was you, you had loads of good advice on that post, what do you want to achieve from this one that is different?

@FatherJacksBrick no I didn’t. I last posted in 2021! If I had posted recently though I think I’d be quite upset by your post. Does it mean I’m not allowed to post again in a week if I’m still struggling as I’ve had lots of help on this thread today?

OP please stop blaming yourself for 'settling for the wrong guy'. He didn't seem wrong at the time, just imperfect, and not waiting for perfection is not a crime.

And you having been snappy is no excuse for him ghosting you while you're carrying his child. I'm angry for you.

You have rights; if he doesn't want to communicate with you, claim child support payments through the relevant authorities. With a 55k salary he is definitely not off the hook.

In the long run you may be better off just you and your child from the start. Families that were one-parent throughout ime work more smoothly that families that go down from two parents to one.

Not at all, I posted on the last thread that I was referring to, and had you been the same poster I wouldn't have wanted to just parrot the same advice, but hopefully discover what it was you were specifically needing help with so as to either tailor advice or take myself away from the thread if I couldn't help. The thread I was referring to had a lot of good advice, so was wondering, had you been the same OP, what it was you needed that was different.

I'm sorry of my comment came across badly, it wasn't intended to.

Oh and I've known people who had a hellish time during pregnancy - deaths in the family, relationship breakdown, you name it - and the kids turned out fine.

@ThreeLocusts i think I just always knew he was a bit difficult. I did love him though. I was more than snappy, I was v v defensive and felt protective of the baby when I felt he wasn’t taking much interest etc. I think he felt pushed away in the end. It’s the total silence I can’t bear. If he just said look let’s just leave things for a while and talk later on, or similar, I’d feel less at sea. As it is I am just totally exhausted with trying to work out why he’s hist cut me off. I’m devastated that we don’t have the chance of a family or at least have been amicable. I feel like he’s just going to totally abandon the baby. As for maintenance I could go down that route of applying but it feels so horrible and sad we can’t just agree something and move on? It feels really horrible and hostile and sad. I never thought I would be in this situation.

@FatherJacksBrick ok, I am sorry for being defensive, I am at a very low ebb at the moment. Just wish all of this would go away, it’s a month today since we last spoke and I’m so sad.

Op that’s a good list, You have plenty of time to buy these things, you might want to do a budget to see if you can afford it new or get bits second hand.

Other bits you might want to add to the list are sleeping bags, wipes, sudocrem (in case of mild nappy rash), then stuff like clothes, nappies.

Im trying to be kind here but you need to change your attitude to your ex and find some anger. You’ll be spending your entire salary on keeping a roof over your baby’s head so I think £5k from a £55k salary is peanuts - especially if he’s not contributed towards any of the furniture. He really should be ashamed of himself for ghosting the mother of his baby.

OP, frankly your ex is a knob. Likely it is more that when you became pregnant you were thinking more about the baby than making him your focus of attention and he's pissed off that where you would have previously pandered to him you now wanted him to support you.

A normal person wouldn't walk away from their child regardless of how difficult things were with their partner so as I said he is a knob,

Don't feel guilty about claiming CMS, if he'd been a grown up he could have discussed and agreed maintenance. Since he couldn't be a grown up he can sod off and pay via CMS like the loser he is.

Work out where you stand financially and move forward, when you've got over the shock you will be fine.

Also, families come in every shape and size now, who gives a fuck if you are a single mum, so are millions of other women me included. You sound like you have a decent income and your own home, you will be fine. The twat can pay maintenance and you will be fine and have a lovely life to look forward to with your baby. Frankly without the dead weight of another baby in your ex to look after you will probably find you are less stressed than if he was still around. Good luck.

@stealthninjamum thanks, what do you mean by a sleeping bag? I’m worried I am not sure what this is! Also what is the 5k? I agree it is awful he’s not even asked if I need help with any of these costs. I can’t really believe it as he never seemed like an unkind sort of man. He has acted like I don’t exist since it ended.