Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

You could have cleaned her with baby wipes and then taken her upstairs if it's important to you. No toddler needs all that faff on for a bum change. Especially when the other parent is trying to leave the house.

Tbh it sounds like 6 of one half dozen of the other.

@SkeletonFight

7 years together and yes she was very much planned and wanted.

Then leave.
You've said yourself that you want to.
Nothing tying you down - he can see baby half of the time or whatever the norm is.
Better than this crappy controlling situation.

What a nasty bellend.
You don't think that you disrupted his plans for the day by being off sick do you? 🤔
I know he has to care for your daughter on these days, but you usually aren't around and he seems simply pissed off that you are there. Anything he knows you wouldn't be happy about type of thing?

I mean fights can flare up pretty easily with a little one. But you still seem pretty annoyed even after some time and the dust has settled.

That will be because he has refused to talk to me about it since returning home. He thinks this will be just breezed over and all will be well tomorrow. It won't. I'm angry and upset and i'm so fed up of him doing this to me/us.

What a horrible stressy environment

makes me even
morr happier than normal that I’m a single parent and never have to put up with this kind of stress and shitty, tense atmosphere

@stressedhadenough "You seem to be having a lot of your posts removed".

Yes, there is always one on these posts who, doesn't like what is being said. They usually report when they stuck in similar ruts.

I haven't reported anything. It was deleted before I came back to thread so I don't even know what your original post said. I can imagine, though that it wasn't pleasant so probably best I didn't read it feeling as low as I do

I'm starting to wonder tbh. Who knows. He's been in such a bad mood it would make sense that he just didn't want me around today.

OP, I know it’s hard but you absolutely can’t live your life like this for DD’s sake. It is not in her best interests for you to be unhappy and you only get one life. Thank goodness you are not married and earn well.

You can do this

I'd have the locks changed while he was out. You can't have him treat you and DD like that. How long before it's physical abuse? You can do far better. You are better off without him.

Thank you

No , not all Op, it was not you. I sincerely wish you well. I hope you find your happiness.

OP he doesn’t care that you don’t feel well, is moody, won’t communicate and you aren’t happy. He sounds awful. Single would be better and you could be much happier

I get it op.

You sound like a reasonable person who thinks sensibly. He sounds like a stroppy child that has an ego explosion whenever you want to discuss something that may be in opposition to what he's suggested.

I don't think he's thinking of you or your child. He just doesn't like being questioned or the idea that he's not always right.

He sounds immature and not ready mentally (if he ever will be) for a partner and child. Out of interest how old are both of you? I don't hold out much hope for it continuing sadly.

I wonder if you both sleepwalked into this set up before you were ready.

@bluegardenflowers

We are both late 30s.

Sounds like you have to walk on eggshells atm, which is hard for you. His behaviour is extremely juvenile and frustrating and I totally get why you're pissed off. Him flouncing off is not really appropriate in an adult relationship when you don't agree about something. On the other side of the coin, however, in my opinion babies and toddlers can put a strain on a relationship, even if they're lovely babies or toddlers, because it's just hard work, everyone is a bit tired and everyone feels like they don't get enough time to be themselves.
It might be that the two of you are snappy with each other just because currently, your world is revolving around a very little DD.
I think he needs to work on his emotional responses, but not sure this is an immediate 'ltb' as I think it would be worth trying to work through this first.

There's obviously a lot of people on your thread @stressedhadenough who don't actually have normal conversations with their partners. Your interactions seem totally normal to me - it sounds like he was in a snot for whatever reason, and everything you said was just winding him up. Sometimes I get in a mood like that myself.

Difference is, as an adult, I don't stomp off leaving my partner literally holding the baby, I will acknowledge I'm being a shit and take myself away for a bit to sulk/cry/whatever. My husband used to be a bit like yours until after one argument where he stonewalled me and then everything went 'back to normal'. Except it didn't, I could barely bring myself to look at him I was still so upset. After a couple of days he actually acknowledged and apologised about his behaviour and we talked it through, but I think that would have been the end of our relationship had he not genuinely taken my feelings on board and changed the way he dealt with things.

If you think the relationship might be salvageable, then some counselling might help, a space where you can tell him you feel like he takes needless offense to what you see as completely innocuous comments and then punishes you by leaving. He can do the same of course. But if he will engage, then maybe it can e sorted.

Good luck whatever you decide.

What would he do if you told him you have had enough of his mood swings and asked him to leave for a time (like a week)? Would that give him a shock?

@stressedhadenough just to clue you in, there are some pretty unpleasant characters on MN latterly who use threads like this to put the boot into women who are struggling and absolutely nitpick everything they post as well as make stuff up, which others then pick up on as fact.
They come up with the the same old misogynist narrative that the woman is a "nag" or a "micromanager" and the "poor guy" is just reacting because he's had enough.
It's particularly shit that they do it in Relationships as well. I often think that AIBU has dragged the entire tone of the board down.

I'm sorry you're at the receiving end of it when you posted for support. He's clearly being hugely unpleasant and moody, and constantly trying to pick fights with you. I felt tense and exhausted just reading your opening post.
Also, he's not that great a dad if he's treating his little girl's mum like that.
I do honesty think you need to have a serious think about how you want your life to look longer-term, although I appreciate that's easy for me to say and you're living it. Mostly just wanted to sympathise and I hope you feel better soon.

I'd be tempted to tell him that next time he feels the urge to walk away from you and his DC to not bother coming back. He's an arsehole.

What do you want?
To have a rant and go back to it all?
To leave?
These are the options. Plenty of single mums out there looking after their kids single handedly.

OP, have you thought about whether he has a MH problem like bipolar disorder ? A family member of ours has it and what you’re describing sounds an awful lot like the stuff he put his wife through before he got treatment.

The behaviour is unreasonable, triggered by small, insignificant things, and the anger can be uncontrollable. There’s also an element of narcissism involved - they are not to blame, it’s always someone elses’ fault and they’re the ones who have been badly done to. After things calm down there is no insight into why they have behaved the way they have.

It comes in cycles and a marked deterioration in mood is the precursor. If you recognise any of this please try and get him some help. Our relative’s condition was out of control and his wife was on the point of leaving him when another family member intervened, recognising that he was on the point of a breakdown. Once he started the right meds things got much better. None of this is your fault and if it does turn out to be bipolar you have a decision to make as to whether you still feel committed enough to the relationship to give it some time and see if things improve. That would be difficult enough if it was just the two of you but with a child to consider it’s even tougher. I hope things work out.

oh you poor love. the silent treatment and fucking off out of nowhere really is just the worst.

and you nasty shits, kicking a woman while she is down. shame on you.

keep talking on here. it helps to get perspective from other people, so you're not second guessing yourself as long as you ignore the information that posters who are just nasty
you're not alone as much as he wants you to feel. and the fact you have a daughter as well, how can he treat her mother like this knowing she too will grow into a woman? who could be calling you because her significant other is treating her like shit and walking out willy nilly.

it makes me sick how men can so easily leave their children and demonise their mothers. honestly I starting to hate all men, I really am. and I say that as a mother of boys!