Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

Walking out as the result of an argument about nothing much at all, without any idea as to when you are returning, leaving your small child in the care of your ill partner is shitty behaviour. Regardless. It's that simple.

Possibly. I hadn't thought of this before.

OP please sit down and think about whether you want to deal with a man like this.
I've been here. My ex husband would always do this. Always disappear to his mums when we fell out and ignore me until he calmed down.
Then one day we had an argument similar to yours and he flipped and walked out and said the exact same thing "I'm not walking out on my son I'm walking out on you". I had a 3 yr old and was 5 months pregnant.
He then dumped me over text. After ten years.
I'm not saying this will happen tk you, but I'm just saying once the dust has settled you really need to consider whether you want to deal with this level of immaturity for the rest of your life.
It's so stressful and worrying and creates so much anxiety.
To me it sounds like he's almost has lighting you, making you feel responsible for whatever is going on with him.

I hope you're ok ♥️

Where did I say we'd argued over who was going to change her nappy?! I just got on with it as I was the one in the room with her at the time.

@Braveasfook

You seem to be having a lot of your posts removed, one of which I didn't even have the pleasure of reading but I assume it was offensive otherwise it wouldn't have been deleted. On that basis I won't be engaging with you any further.

I think he's out of order but I also think you were way over-involved for someone who was off work sick. You didn't need to be getting involved about paddling pools, changing bags, cotton pads and the like. It was his day with her, you should have one to bed and stayed out of it.

He sounds like an arse, though. Perhaps triggered by your overbearing behaviour, perhaps not.

Would you consider couples counselling?

@Wednesdayafternoon
That sounds awful. I'm sorry you went through that. X

Horrible, controlling behaviour designed to punish you.
Honestly OP, he is behaving like a teenager.

@willyouwontyoubemine

I'd been in bed all morning. This exchange took place around 12pm when I got out of bed.

Re couples counselling I would consider it yes, but we can't afford £150 per session if that's the cost.

@IVFPrayingForBioChild

Not married, together 7 years.

House is rented.
I work (part time - 4 days a week) and I earn quite good money.

But you interfered in his childcare of her and then started trying to call the shots. Just leave him to it. If you behaved like that towards me when I was looking after my own child I would find you critical and overbearing.

Where do you live? 50-75 is normal around here.

I'm with him because:

• I'm afraid to be alone (I have no family around me, they live really far away), and
• the guilt I would feel to be the reason his daughter doesn't see her daddy every day.

That's it.

So you don't actually have any feelings for him whatsoever? Perhaps he can pick up on this and coupled with you ordering him about it's really bloody unpleasant for him.

@willyouwontyoubemine

How did I interfere? He wasn't there. I didn't stand observing him change a nappy and stop him to do it myself. He had gone out putting things in the car and he had by default left her in my care whilst he did so. So I changed her nappy because it needed doing, and as the only parent aware of that in the moment, I felt it was my responsibility to do so. I also (as I've already said) thought he would be grateful of the help so he could get out shopping sooner.

Missing the main point as I can't even be bothered. But....
why does your 12 ft pool need such a dramatic amount of filling, draining and refilling ? we got ours out of the shed, put it up and filled it. End of task. 6 hrs later it was full and ready to use.
not sure why you needed to try and stop him putting it up tbh. It's not like he was hand-digging an Olympic diving pool.

I didn't say I didn't have feelings for him, did I. Don't gaslight me please.

@RoseslnTheHospital lots of people are ill when they have children. Children do not stop being children.

Being "off work sick for ONE day" does not mean you cannot look after your children. It just means you have to have to get on with it.

This is not about the Op being sick for a day, this is about an unhealthy relationship and the pushing and shoving of children as barta. The op may well have been unwell that "day" but her children still needed caring for. Whose "day" it was is irrelevant, children need caring for no matter " whose" day it is.

This his day, my day is pathetic. If you have children, all day everyday is YOUR day no matter what day.

OP, I'm flabbergasted by posters accusing you of being controlling and trying to micro-manage your partner.
You behaved entirely reasonably and there is nothing in the slightest bit objectionable in anything you said.
Your partner has behaved like a complete knob and if he has done this several times he's shown you exactly who he is and you should plan to separate as soon as possible. And despite his comment he did walk out on your DD as well as you. He sounds ghastly.
I wish you and your daughter all the best.

He sounds a total man child and you lose patience when you have an actual child to look after.

Wouldn't blame you for binning him.

He sounds juvenile and selfish.
He knows you are unwell but still has to have his tantrum.

How convenient that he abandoned his child when you are sick on his day for a nice break.

He is an absolute waste of space if he can't sit and have a basic conversation about how your relationshipcan work better.

I would rethink a holiday with someone so unreliable that he regularly walks out.

No wonder you are drained, he sounds draining.

You can't fix a relationship with someone who refuses to engage.

Save your money and figure out what you want your future to look like.

Look to family and friends for support during this time.

I hope you feel better soon.

How long have you been together and was this a planned child? I ask as the first years with children are a flipping nightmare . Has he been like this all the time? Was he keen to have a family? What you are describing is day to day bickering about things which is just an awful way to live. Sounds like you need to have a REALLY serious talk about this and listen to each other. The endless bickering has to stop. Only you know how serious all of this is and if this is something you want to resolve or not - and the same for him.

I mean fights can flare up pretty easily with a little one. But you still seem pretty annoyed even after some time and the dust has settled. I don’t really know what advice you’re looking for? If this is a pattern of behaviour that you can’t put up with anymore then you need to tackle it head on, ideally when your DD is out at nursery or asleep or not on the scene. If this is the one thing he does that you cannot tolerate then you need to make that clear to him. And not accept “don’t know” or lack or explanation. He needs to do know that whilst arguments will happen you do not find it acceptable that he takes himself off like this. When it comes to changing behaviour you can’t just be a passive participant.

@Braveasfook

Unless I am misunderstanding your post... Where have I said I don't want to look after my child?! If you read properly you'll see that I looked after her regardless of feeling unwell because DP was busy loading the car. Then you'll also note that he was the one who felt it appropriate to fuck off for 2 hours with no notice and no indication of when he might be back, departing with the words "do the shopping yourself too", and leaving me once again to care for DD alone whilst sick AND try and sort out the shopping.

I am the only one of her parents who doesn't fuck off when the going gets tough. I am by her side whether I feel exhausted, angry, sad, scared, or physically unwell. No matter what I'm going through, I'm by that baby's side. Which is more than can be said for her other parent, who likes to pick and choose when he can flounce and leave me to it.