Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

Sounds like it’s usually his day with Dd but because you were ill you ended up being home and you interfered. He’s a grown adult and on his day he can decide if he wants to put a pool up. He handled it badly but you weren’t great either getting in the way when he was trying to sort stuff out. He had a plan and you changed it. It’s not a big deal but if he’s feeling undermined it can build up.

"Where did I say we'd argued over who was going to change her nappy?! I just got on with it as I was the one in the room with her at the time"

OP you didn't "just got in with it" though did you? You wanted to change her but called him back to bring the changing bag. Once he done this you called him again to get something from upstairs.

You're very defensive and don't acknowledge your part in this. You say you work as a team but we only have your side of the story. His reaction isn't good and he shouldn't just walk out, it's selfish and childish. But It sounds like he's checked out emotionally. I wonder if he's worn down by "can you do this for me" "can you get that.." "I don't think that's a good idea, let's do it my way..." I just wonder if it's easier for him if he doesn't say anything.
Sorry OP but you sound equally to blame.

I think you need to consider your communication style. You sound like everything is what you want on your timescale.

Isn't UK on a heatwave at the moment? Maybe he wanted some fun time in the pool with your toddler - he'd perhaps been thinking about it as fun thing they could do on "his" day. You could have approached the conversation entirely differently. Instead of saying have you seen the weather forecast, wait till the weekend (code for you're an idiot to do it now) you could have said the pool is huge, do you think a smaller one might be better so it can fill pretty quickly and go up for a day? Then he could offer an opinion.

The whole changing thing speaks of your inflexibility. You wanted cotton pads, you could have made do with a wipe just this once.

You seem to be cranky at the responses suggesting you have a part to play. Him leaving is shit too, but you're looking for an argument. You've even said an "argument to clear the air". It's pretty clear arguing is not his communication style. So I think you both need to compromise. He needs to talk once he's had time to process and you need to stop bossing and communicate more constructively. No one likes being told what to do.

You didn't do it on your own. You insisted on engaging him in the process. Just take the baby upstairs and change her if you want to do it. Faffing about ordering him to bring you a bag and go upstairs for things you don't actually need is not you doing it yourself,

My god men just have an excuse for everything according to some of you. Nothing that can't be blamed on a woman.

You know there's an ill, stressed original poster who is a real person and you're happily calling her a knob?
Not pleasant behavour at all.

If you’re ill and it’s his day for parenting, why are you getting involved in pool disagreements and nappy changes?
why not just let him get on with it and be ill

do you interfere on a regular basis?

Id just go up to him and say 'this relationship clearly is not working any more, i think we should start talking about we can peacefully separate and co-parent together for our daughters sake'. And take it from there. Calm, unemotional, solution orientated.

Fgs is all conversation about their joint child considered to be interfering?? Should the OP never speak to her boyfriend about anything at all?

She made normal comments in a normal way about trivial things. His reaction was incredibly over the top.

I haven't RTFT but all your comments OP. I can understand why PP have had different opinions but obviously it's hard to tell exactly what's going on because we don't live your life.

What I will say, is you are clearly not happy and you and your DP have different expectations, you sound very different people.

Please don't stay with him for your daughter. She will pick up on everything and learn about her own future relationships from it. You're not happy and you need to separate if you both can't work together to find common ground. I stayed in a relationship longer than I should have despite being unhappy because we didn't argue so I thought it would be best for the kids. I was miserable then thought at the example I was setting to them - it's fine not to have your needs met in a relationship. My DC have a great relationship with both of us despite my ex staying quite far so they don't see him every day.

You DP sounds like a hands on Dad (despite his childish flouncing off) and that doesn't have to change. You can work it out and both move on and be happy. Sadly, love isn't always enough.

Hope you feel better soon.

@stressedhadenough

Hi,

Echoing other posters, I think you being at home unwell inconvenienced a plan of his, so this strop was orchestrated .

My friend who ended up divorced had an H who did the same thing, he had a serious gambling / drug problem. Made up arguments then staying out all night. She only found out when a neighbour spotted him in a local betting shop when he was supposed to be working out of town.

I'm sorry if that is the case. I genuinely hope you either can make up, or amicably separate x

Do I "interfere" with the parenting of my own child? How ridiculous. We are a team (well not today clearly, but mostly we are). We pull together. It's not interfering. It's parenting and communication. It's normal in relationships.

Wow.
Glad I didn't see this.
Some people are disgusting aren't they.

What a lovely post. Thank you x

I've just managed to get some form of conversation from him. I asked why he walked out like that, he said "so it didn't escalate, to put space between us". I asked why didn't he just go off and do the shopping with DD as planned, then, since that would achieve the same aim as he'd have been gone for a couple hours and he was literally getting ready to leave the house anyway. Instead of snapping at me "do the shopping yourself" and flouncing. He then admitted he walked out like that to "punish" me. I asked for what? He shrugged.

Wow. Dunno what to make of that. My head is a mess.

@stressedhadenough you need to let yourself be ill today, let him look after DC as it’s his day and give him some space. I understand your point and he is being a d*ck but he was probably looking forward to his day with DC and instead you were there. You should have just ‘been ill’ and not ‘interfered’ as he will have seen it. You’re both stressed and you’re poorly. Hope you feel better soon though and can then both talk calmly.

I want a partner who I can talk to about day to day life issues without him sulking and walking off, and refusing to engage with me for 2 hrs in order to "punish me", for something he can't articulate that he would like to punish me for, leaving me with a child to care for alone when I am sick.

That's what I want.

My DH sounds similar to yours OP. He is emotionally avoidant and will shout and argue and storm off. He doesn’t then want to talk and fix the situation later. Like you said he’ll just happily wait til we’re not angry any more then carry on as normal. If I bring the subject up again he asks why I want to argue again. I tell him it’s healthy to try and resolve disagreements. He says I just want to be right. It’s so exhausting.

he used to storm off too but since we had kids he’s not done that. What’s your partners relationship like with his mum?

Sorry you’ve had the gamut of woman-blaming posts here, OP.

The fact that he wanted to punish you is a red flag. These are your next 30 years with this man unless you decide you’re not pitting up with it.

Sounds like things just got hot. Things can get stressful. He just needs sometime to cool down. Stop texting and calling. I'd just use a grocery app and get delivery. Tuck in with your daughter and relax.

It's not difficult.

He sees you as the default parent and himself as someone who will walk out on his child to punish you, whenever he wants, even when you are ill.

What a prince🙄

He is not to be trusted.

He certainly isn't a decent father.

He is an absolute waste of space but at least you know.

I don’t agree with others accusing him of been an arsehole and abusive etc from just one scenario. It’s sounds to me like something has been brewing in him for some time and the pool incident flipped him. There’s no point in reading into the nappy change incident as he was already in a mood by then so any other minor thing will grate on him more until he’s reached his tether. I think he did the right thing by leaving and taking a breather. You think it’s the worst thing he could have done in that moment but that’s because you weren’t in his head so you wouldn't understand why he needed to walk out.

we all deal with situations differently and no person has it the right way. When me and my husband get into a titter I like to walk away and breathe whereas he likes to argue the toss. I can’t argue with a jumbled head, I need to breathe and clear it so I can at-least be rational.

I don’t think he is entirely to blame, I think you need to be less confrontational and a bit more understanding. That would involve putting your pride aside and accept that you may have been upsetting him over a period of time too. I’m not saying he isn’t in the wrong, I’m saying you can’t talk and resolve anything if neither of you can accept that you yourselves have also been out of line and that’s probably why he isn’t talking to you/telling you what’s going on as he knows what your reaction will be.

it’s not always ‘silent treatment purposely to hurt you’ ‘or abuse’ as others have put. Sometimes people do struggle to say what’s going on especially if the other person is defensive, confrontational and doesn’t accept that they’ve been in the wrong.

I’ve found when my husband acts like this, rather than act like he’s being childish, confronting him, texting him if he’s stormed out, believing that I’m a victim in all this etc, having some empathy and asking him if I’ve upset him and reassuring him that it’s ok to tell me, leads to him spilling and we can then have a sensible conversation about it.

you both need to know what’s bugging eachother if you’re going to get anywhere and arguing, being defensive and accusing the other of acting stupid doesn’t result in that.

he sounds like a good dad contrary to what others have put, I don’t think you should leave him. I think you both should work on it but as I’ve said, you both need to put your pride aside and accept what the other has to say no matter how much it pissing you off.

Maybe my expectations are unrealistic (they may well be) but I don't think normal, decent people 'punish' their partners like this, especially if they are ill.

He then admitted he walked out like that to "punish" me. I asked for what? He shrugged.

It's completely irrational and unreasonable to walk out to 'punish'.

It's one thing to say look I need to cool off, I'm going to take an hour to do that then come back... quite another to do it how he did and then admit it was a punishment tool.