Partner has just walked out on me and 15 month old

[stressedhadenough]

He's been in a foul mood the entire morning. He's supposed to be looking after our DC (today is his day to do that, we have one day each per week to stay home with her and she's at childcare the other 3 days). Just so happens I'm off work sick today, though, so all 3 of us home together. He's been like a bear with a sore head following a disagreement about whether or not to put the pool up in the garden. That's it. Nothing even important or major. We just had a different opinion on it. He was a moody arse, walked away from me as I was talking to him, so I asked him what the hell was wrong, why is he being like this. Nothing's wrong he says. Right.

He says he's going to do the food shop. Says he will take DD. Right, great. He starts loading stuff into the car including her changing bag. DD then poos. I say "please can you just hold off putting the changing bag in the car, she's pooed, I'll change her before you go". He shouts back as he's walking away with the bag "just use the wipes on the kitchen table". I reply "I might also need the lotion, though - can I please just have the bag?" He grumpily brings it back, sighing. Then goes off outside in the garden.

There are no cotton pads in the bag - I realise they are upstairs, and DD is trying to pull off her nappy (new habit she's got into). I shout his name. No reply. I shout again. He shouts back "what?" in a shitty tone. I say please could you help me a second (don't want to leave DD to pull her dirty nappy off). He comes in, I ask could he please run upstairs for cotton pads. He sighs/huffs again, goes upstairs. Comes back down and then comes really close to me and goes "stop speaking to me like shit"; then walks away.

I said "me?? Are you joking? You've done nothing but speak to me like shit all morning!"
I then point out he's been like a bear with a sore head since the pool disagreement, walking away from me mid conversation, quiet and moody, huffing about the place, trying to put the changing bag in the car when I needed it (pointless, why would you do that?), and then being abrupt when I shouted his name asking for help when changing her.

He then went "right, I'm off, you can do the shopping yourself".

And off he sped in his car. I'm home not feeling well, looking after our toddler on my own, ok what is supposed to be his day to look after her. And now I am also responsible for the food shop which he has decided he's not doing.

Tried calling a few times to ask him when he's coming home, he answered one call and said "I'm not speaking to you, you're out of order, I'm not coming home", then hung up immediately. I tried calling back, numerous times over the past hour or so, he's ignoring my calls.

I text him saying "do you really think it's appropriate to just walk out on me and DD like that, leaving me to do everything today including the shopping when I'm not well?"

He replied "I haven't walked out on her, I've walked out on you. Don't use her". erm,., you've literally just walked out and left her here??

And that's that. So what the fuck do I do? Is he an arsehole or is he being reasonable here??

He's so emotionally unhealthy I don't know where to begin. I can't do it with him anymore. I'm so drained

@stressedhadenough Then you have your answer. My mum used to say if I said I didn't want to do an activity anymore as a child, that I should give it two weeks and see how I feel after that. But maybe you don't even need that to be sure about how you feel, you know already.

I believe couples counselling is about 150 quid an hour personally I wouldn’t bother.

@Nothappyatwork It can be done for much cheaper than that. But no, I don't think he's worth it either.

@stressedhadenough Did you say you thought he might have someone else he has his eye on? He's a dickhead anyway.

@Braveasfook she's unwell! Good grief, how can you decide such nonsense about the OP from what she's written! And her posts are completely understandable, and not confused at all.

I recognise some behaviour of mine from the past in the dp. I was in an abusive relationship, everything I did was wrong, everything I suggested was wrong. I would walk out because I knew if I said anything it would just be turned against me. I never felt listened to, if I did say how I felt I was stupid and was wrong, so much gaslighting went on. I would be asked why I did stuff but if I gave an answer it was just turned back on me. As a grown woman I turned back into a sulky teenager.

He may be a cheating, nasty arsehole but he may also be someone who is completely worn down from being in the wrong that he doesn't have any other answer.

" I was trying to be helpful by changing her".

Changing your own child is not helpful, it's parenting.

OP this is just horrible and unfair. I don’t think you have done anything wrong at all and his actions were just shit from the person who is supposed to care about you both.
From my experience, when my daughter was roughly this age her behaviour could often be quite tricky. Not saying this (behaviour) is the case for you but I found it pretty hard to deal with but I managed. My DH on the other hand was struggling. I didn’t really notice, I just thought he was quiet because of work. I think when I tried to help in ways, similar to what you did today, it made him feel shitty like I couldn’t trust him to do things or manage situations by himself. I was undermining him. During this time he was also having a very difficult time at work which compounded everything. Could there possibly be more to this behaviour?

@EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall @RoseslnTheHospital

Sorry, i did not realise the OP is unwell. I posted comments based on what i had read . In light of now being told OP is unwell, my comments were not applicable.

This is what I think also. Even on here, the OP cannot admit any fault. It is all him.

@Braveasfook OP was saying that she wanted to help her partner in that moment by changing the DD before he headed out with her, rather than him having to do it, as he would've been out with the DD after that and had to do it himself, unless he left her in her poo the whole trip. I imagine it would've been fragrant for them in the car and OP also was helping by preventing that for him.

Also it was his day to be in charge of DD (they each have one day a week where they do the bulk of the work.)

Maybe @WeAreBob you could stop trying to paste your imaginary scenarios onto the OP? It's not helpful to tell her that she must be a gaslighting abuser!

Taken as one day, perhaps we all have bad days and need to learn from our experiences - in this case I think perhaps the OP should have gone to bed before it all started and left Dd to her DP but hindsight is always 20/20. However if the arguments and storming off are becoming a regular occurrence (and it sounds as though they are) maybe either a lot of work on both parts is necessary or maybe a split will be a relief.
Another way of looking at is that he storms off and refuses to talk to make the OP scared of losing him; Well, by the sounds of it she’s not any more.

We only have one side to the story.

Honestly, you come across quite aggressive in your posts, I’d suggest you are quite draining and like things done your own way (see big hoo ha over baby lotion and cotton pads). This might be because you are ill or just fed up of the pile on. Some people are being very mean.

Also honestly, you clearly don’t like him very much, if at all. I’d suggest that you split up. Only then you will have to trust him to look after his own child. Which, will be a good thing for you if you are a micromanager.

I think that the PP who talked about Transactional Analysis is spot on.

@stressedhadenough you need to consider how much of the time you're behaving in 'parent' mode. The more you are, the more likely your DP is going to respond in 'child' mode.

It's incredibly frustrating to get that kind of response, but you really should think about it.

What a shit day OP. I completely get what you're saying. I hope you feel better soon and find the right way forward for you and your child.

He sounds awful - sulky and thoughtless and bratty. You are off work sick and it doesn't sound like he has considered you at all. He is rude and dismissive about anything you say. It sounds impossible to have a normal conversation with him without him getting touchy and defensive about it. Is this how he normally treats you? Just seems like there is a lack of consideration and kindness and that he doesn't appreciate or value you. Don't question a thing you have done or said. You are allowed to ask him to do things. You are allowed to have opinions. You are allowed to be annoyed and express it. Don't start modifying your behaviour to keep him happy. You deserve more.

@BIWI this "transactional analysis" seems to handily absolve the "child" in this scenario of any responsibility for their own behaviour. As it's "caused" by the "parent" being too "parent-y".

If this is him being an adult he’s not a good role model for his child.
Im wondering what your boundaries are like - myself and my ex bickered all the time - both wanting the last word - it wasn’t healthy. You are not going to change him OP - this is WHO HE IS - you may want to look at focusing on yourself and if you feel it’s needed seeking counselling for yourself. We split up - it would have been hard work to stay and we are who we are. Good luck.

Could be be having an affair? Some men act like this when they feel guilty about something and want to cause arguments making it look like you’re in the wrong. Either way he’s a complete twat and you need to leave him asap.

It doesn't absolve the 'child' at all. It's about both of the people in the transaction recognising their role in it.

I am not, in any way, seeking to absolve the partner in this.

Apologies OP if I've missed something ...

Are you married to him?
House mortgaged or rented?

Do you work?

Get a job, put baby in nursery
If you work part time go full time
Get qualifications in the field you want
See if your parents or siblings will let you live with them
If not, get him to move into the spare room
Live like flat mates
Don't even tell him that you are distancing yourself make excuses - he probably won't care
When the time comes - leave
Don't do any cooking, food shopping, laundry for him
Put a lock in your room to protect your valuables and paperwork
Don't leave your phone and laptop lying around near him

He either wants to control you or he wants out of the relationship anyway or he's having an affair

The only one thing I can think of is he may be ill so is reacting negatively - if this doesn't turn out to be the case it's one of the above

Being a single mother in the UK isn't a big deal - it's probably the norm - so what's the point in worrying about that?!
Unless you're from a religious community.

This cunt of a man just did not want to look after his child so started an argument and walked out. He will always do this because he resents family life and thinks women should do all the work. I do wonder at those posters nit picking about the weather and cotton wool - some posters go the extra mile to kick a woman where she is down.

Neither of you sound great TBH. You'll probably both be happier apart.

FFS everyone, man in bad mood, maybe stressed, maybe had a bad day, maybe DW has pissed him off, or just life,does not mean he’s a bad husband or bad Dad, just means he’s human.

@Braveasfook you really need to read the OP again. They have a day a week off work and at home with their child, on their own. This day was unusual because the OP was ill and at home as a result.

What is this obsession on MN that anything with a penis must be having an affair?