Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I've read the book before, maybe a year or so ago.

I got it as Mr K told me he was guarded and I thought I should understand him better. It had also been mentioned a few times on here.
Well, blow me down, after the first few chapters I realised I'm the issue and I'm picking men who are emotionally unavailable because I am too🤯
I knew I wasn't good with feelings etc but god this was a shock.
I read the whole book and realised I had also picked my husband because he was emotionally unavailable and in that relationship I was a Florence (Nightingale)/fixer/rescuer. I need to re-read it to find out what I was to Mr K and to keep on learning from it.

My own emotional unavailability is linked to my childhood, my parents were emotionally unavailable and so were their parents, all my brothers and sisters are too. I can also see it in my aunts, uncles and cousins🤯

I've now had counselling to help me deal with my emotional unavailability which is why I was able to tell Mr K my feelings about things, the fact he couldn't deal with that is his own issue.

You would really benefit from reading it even if it is a tough read at times

Right. I'm also Euro but that's quite unusual where I live so we just take what we can get round here 🤣 Weird to not want anyone from the country you live in, kind of limits the possibilities. Then again, I'm convinced that Italian men can't be trusted but that's based on very little and I don't live in Italy so that's a limitation I can live with.

So sad you didn't get your holiday 😪

That sounds lovely but due to him having to be away so much it's definitely right to have the conversation. LDRs can work but require excellent communication and trust. Hope you manage to discuss all the issues in a way you both find helpful. No more dancing, Ms Dancer!

You should not have paid a penny. He should not have accepted it

@Mila14 I don't agree with that, he begged me not to pay but I have my pride as well.

@WeWantTheFinestWines … my ex husband ( super English) is also like this. Petite women not English. His on and off partner is euro too. I think I would not want Italian man either 😂😂😂although no one wears a suit like an Italian man. Fact

Ok @Eesha… I hope you can pass page but I feel he will linger on and appear back in a few months when shit hits the fan with wife. Protect yourself.

Eesha

fuck . I’m angry on your behalf actually
he went way too fast and too deep with you when he wasn’t ready
and for a single mum to lose money on that
anyway I won’t use the swear word I have in mind

but that was very risky of him to make a commitment like that when things at home clearly more volatile

I would agree @Eesha - no way should he have accepted your money towards this. It was a sticky mess he got both of you into because he wasn’t properly extricated from his marriage - for you to incur a cost here is deeply unfair.

SortingItOut
hmm 🤔 sounds like something I might need to read

it does sound like a re read will help ?
more to remind you that the signs were maybe there all along

WeWantTheFinestWines

ive spent 2 + 2 + 22 years dating Italians!

i truly don’t have a kink but for some reason I end up with them !
🤷‍♀️
honestly men are men and people are people in my view

and I say this not from my exes but also wider Italian family , cousins , nephews , friends - you know ?

they have some cultural nuances ( mamma ! La mama !) but are as trustworthy as anyone is

Mila14

all I will say is there is more to you than being petite , gym honed and euro !

it’s fine for people to have a type

but putting aside social economics and interests
what personality type you like , feel safe with ?

Hey @ibelieveinmirrorballs @Thisisworsethananticpated , the thing is we booked it because we didn't anticipate any issues. Literally up until the day before, we were excitedly planning stuff. We didnt think it was precarious at all. His ex threw the bombshell of full custody and moving away which then triggered all this. He begged me not to transfer the money but to me it's the fair thing to do and i was not going to take no for an answer. Plus there was a part of me that just wanted to show I could pay my own way and was not going to take advantage simply because he has more money than me.

Eesha

i respect that (the paying )

I just feel , as adults , we have to manage risks
and manage the risks for people we care about

and predict risks for people we care about

that’s partly why I go slow (commitment and emotional ) and go casual- as not only are my kids my priority , I wouldn’t want to expose a date to them (kids ) behaving messily (🙈)
there are a few punched holes in the wall shall we say ….

anyhow I’ll shut up , as don’t want you to feel like you have to defend him xx

and well done on 2 x hot yoga

I do get it @Eesha, honestly - but regardless of anything his ex said or did it was his decision and he has to take ownership of that. And the fact he earns a lot more than you - grrr - I totally get your impulse not to want to be seen to take advantage of that or whatever, but honestly… you lose pit in his decision and lose out again by paying an equal contribution despite him earning a lot more than you and not being a single parent. GRRRR!

I know I'm in the minority but I'd have done the same as @Eesha . I definitely would have paid my half.

@Eesha … for me it’s completely crazy he booked a holiday with you without even DTD. Seriously. Who does that? I know you want to defend him but he’s a serious love bomb hazard.
@Thisisworsethananticpated … my type is traditional and if possible highly educated. Im super picky and I find it really hard to find the right guy. I also don’t want to date anyone who does not live in his own home . I don’t want to date anyone with no kids . The drinking and partying is not my thing either, I prefer fit and healthy which is almost impossible in guys over 50 or 50+.I guess I want someone sorted. It’s been hard work to get myself sorted too. I’m really not looking for people with dramas of any kind, other than kids stuff , they are allowed the drama bits

Agree totally

@Mila14 I don't think DTD is significant at all. We both had fun without having sex because we wanted to take things slowly. I don't see why you'd have to have sex before doing anything like this. Perhaps I'm in the minority. The holiday was meant to be our time alone together.

@Eesha I think it's really lovely you waited and were going to DTD when you were away, that's so romantic.

I need to take a leaf out of your book and not rush into sex in future (in a relationship not FWB)

Of course people are people - it's an irrational viewpoint based on people I used to work with and people I've met. And if I met someone nice I wouldn't hold their Italianness against them 🇮🇹

I think you are right @Eesha and you know better what works for you.
I just don’t think I can go on holidays with someone I don’t know whether I’m compatible with sex wise. I had a really bad experience once and had to endure a weekend with someone that sexually was a massive flop. It was awkward to share a room as I switched off sexually after the first time. I was quite young when this happened but I promised myself never again. We went our separate ways after that.I think I want to go on holidays relaxed and knowing my lover and I are ok sexually and awkwardness is not happening while away from home.

@Eesha …I think you still have very strong feelings for Mr Blue. So nothing anyone says will affect what you think and I apologise if I have offended you. I hope everything works out and you meet someone wonderful. I mean it

I’m sorry @Eesha , that is tough.

@SortingItOut i am the same and working really hard (thanks to counselling) not to be a saviour but to express my needs and be vulnerable. Very difficult.

things are escalating with Mr Blonde - we have a cinema date (no4) on weds and a day together on Saturday. I feel really torn with him as I don’t think we’re particularly compatiable but I am really enjoying kissing him. Might be because it’s my first snog in four years… but slightly worried it’s straying into relationship territory which I’m not ready for.

My major crush, who is a bit flakey (too soon out of a relationship), is coming over on Friday night. We really click and it feels a bit dangerous
as he’s my pre ‘sorted my shit out’ type - a tourtured artist… But for the first time in forever I’m having fun, I haven’t slept with anyone, made any promises etc. just feels a bit odd to be playing the field and I don’t know at what point go have honest discussion with anyone.