Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

It is super tricky. He is away this week and after my mentioning that I was feeling a bit odd after therapy session and why, he had written back an uncharacteristically flippant comment... he messaged this morning to apologise and we've spoken on the phone but it's not the right time to talk about it while he's away - we touched on it for a few minutes but have agreed to discuss when we next meet (in just under two weeks argh). He totally gets my discomfort with it and does not usually minimise. On the one hand it's such early days I don't want to focus on this too much, I want to just see what develops and not get bogged down in detail - but on the other hand I need to protect my heart.

Following our chat earlier this week however, I have pencilled in a visit to MrM for September. Therapist was surprisingly in favour of these sorts of moves, especially if they were a sort of self-protection from going all in with the love-chat with MrNice - who is starting to wobble around use of L words... hasn't outright said it yet (thank god) but I can tell it's not far off and the whole "I love... spending time with you.." gateway drug sentences are starting to spill forth..

ibelieveinmirrorballs The whole situation sounds so difficult for you. That Two weeks wait is going to be hard, I know what you mean about needing to protect your heart & think you are doing the right thing. (Also hopefully that flippant comment was a (mean) one off)

@ibelieveinmirrorballs 'gateway drug sentences' 🤪

Yes. Be selfish here. It's not too soon to be discussing it as you're either comfortable being in a relationship with someone in his situation, or you're not. It would be different if it was FWB. And also good call on the openness. Stay selfish and state your needs, absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in doing that. If you were in that living set up I'm sure you'd expect a serious relationship prospect to question the arrangements?

BellaDiMamma
hey firstly excellent Boundary setting with his ex there
bravo
no messing around !

also I’ve tried to pm about October but the function isn’t working , could you pm me
sorry !

SortingItOut

that books really helped me

I’ve said no to meeting Balkan , I’m actually genuinely busy
but it felt good
then he suggested another date and I’m on holiday 😃

i don’t want to do anything in haste and anger

but…. I’m not even sure if it’s worth setting any boundaries to be honest
waste of time maybe

NervesOfCotton

I’d not waste your precious energy on racist single dad . Can you find a new crush and try and put him out of your mind ? He doesn’t even sound like friend material now

Hi I've just sent you a PM

As for the boundary setting, I genuinely knew I wouldn't be able to sleep a wink there as a 'girlfriend' if I knew his ex was potentially sniffing the sheets the next day ...!

ibelieveinmirrorballs

there is something to be said for keeping a foot in multiple camps whilst you get
clarity and not dive in too deep

im thinking if I was in his situation would I date ?
would I fast track divorce if was dating ?
Would I fast track a relationship if I wasn’t divorced

how much is money an issue for them splitting homes

Thisisworsethananticipated I'm trying!

I know, he's totally not worth it. I also know how it comes across on here but honestly, it's been 3 years of shy/quiet but perfectly normal behaviour from him before this date!

I'm a stubborn cow though & I've hit that point where I am 'done' so that's that with him.

Added to the list for the next one... Mustn't have stupid rules about not wearing rainbow colours or watching a cartoon lesbian kiss

NervesOfCotton

oh no ! That’s a long time to have a crush on someone and not see their true colours
how galling and disappointing
I understand

Love the idea of gateway drug sentences’ @ibelieveinmirrorballs - so apt. I know it’s hard but you really have your head screwed on (and a brilliant therapist). Hope MrM helps give clarity.

@BellaDiMamma great boundaries and you’re quite right! I had such poor boundaries with my exH, when I moved into my own house with the kids my therapist and solicitor urged me to be very firm and exH has only once been in my house, and that was just to see the kids bedrooms.

@Thisisworsethananticpated great boundaries too. Hope you’re feeling ok?

@NervesOfCotton that’s a long build up, no wonder you need a few days to get your head around it. How disappointing. Anyone else catch your eye online?

I had dinner at the Artist’s house last night. Friends only but he was quite flirty and interested as usual. I played it a bit cooler. We’re going on a walk/picnic together on Sunday. Valley boy is popping by today during the day - I’m really looking forward to seeing him, and hoping it’ll either make me give my head a wobble and chill out a bit, or the opposite…
not seeing Mr Blonde until next Weds.

Thanks Levithecat & Thisisworsethananticipated. It has been difficult but if I've thought about the 'old' him then I just make myself think about some of the things he said on disaster date/walking home alone & it takes any romantic feelings away

The frustrating thing now is I'm trying to keep things how they were (with meeting up all together) for the kids, because I don't want them to lose a friend but I can't do that alone & he's made it quite clear that he's not capable of it so my conscience is clear & I'm done with it

Levithecat I'm glad your dinner went well & today sounds lovely with Valley boy! Your sentence 'Chill out a bit, or the opposite' made me laugh. I get it

Nothing much going on online for me.

@Thisisworsethananticpated So pleased that you've been able to set boundaries with Balkan.

Hopefully the book will give you clarity on what you want in the future.

@NervesOfCotton you definitely can't keep the kids' friendship going unless he meets you halfway, at that age. So weird that he's had this big shift in personality after seemingly being pleasant for 3 years.. whatever else is the case about him, he definitely doesn't sound ready to date!

@Thisisworsethananticpated not long till your hols..! Great to hear the book is having an impact and enabling you to take a step back from Balkan. I think what has stymied you with him is the appearance of commitment with the promise of exclusivity - but without any relationship accoutrements to go with it. If you think about it of COURSE that sends mixed messages to our anxious brains. With me, once I've started to get attached to someone (usually not long after getting intimate) I have no interest in looking for someone else, so tell myself I'm just 'not like that' and can only give one person my attention. What's actually going on is I'm getting overly fixed on someone who hasn't yet earned that right, and then put too much pressure on that person to be the thing I want. I think that's what I'm aiming for now - no exclusive full-on commitment unless that person really is all in and able to offer me what I need. We put the cart before the horse I think and assume if we offer them exclusivity, that'll make them want the rest of it.

@Levithecat loving the sound of your menfolk coming and going... . And that you had a lovely evening with the Artist. All sounding very good indeed...

@BellaDiMamma still need to PM you on the meet. Yes it's hard to be selfish, and I'm not used to communicating my needs. Found it very difficult to start the conversation with MrN and luckily he sort of ran with it and made it easier for me to blurt out the words about openness. Ref my being comfortable to be in that set up, weirdly I sort of am in that he's been very open, I've seen how they live and luckily it's a big enough house, it's all very separate etc. It's a sort of 'this is fine for now, but what will I be looking at if we were to be together for 2+ years?' kind of thing. I suppose for many of us with kids, divorces, exes, etc - these are just relevant questions whatever. Our set ups often mean that serious questions like "would you ever want to live with a partner?" need to get discussed fairly early on. I think he has liked the fact about me that I have similar aged DC and also am in no hurry whatsoever to cohabit whilst the DC are at home.

ibelieveinmirrorballs With all the flirty texts in the week leading up to disaster date, I think he really did want something to happen (so did I!) But that he lost his nerve & I wasn't confident enough to make the first move either & then he relaxed too much & let all his views spill out & I probably sat there looking at him horrified
So I've probably put him off dating anyway

Re your own situation, it does sound difficult but I'm glad MrN has made it quite easy to talk about, it is hard to communicate sometimes isn't it.
It sounds like, in lots of ways, you 'go' well together so that's a good sign

Levithecat

im secretly envious of your 3 irons
it sounds like so much fun !

yeah of Course artist is going to keep sniffing

but it’s fun and that’s really the most important thing

im good . I’ve been letting this guy treat me like a doormat and not raising it when he upsets me

I held on to him as he always comes back and I told myself ‘we have great sex ! He really likes me’ and ignoring the bad feeling in my stomach

No more

Last night's date update - best first date I've had in years 🥳

He was better looking than his pics (and I obviously liked his pics) and really easy to talk to. Hes confident but not cocky (which I like) and made me laugh. He took me to a couple of new places I've never tried, we had fun cocktails and lots of kisses 😱 I really enjoyed it - and we are going to see each other again 😊

Now need to shift my hangover before tonight's date with Mr libra 😱😄

ibelieveinmirrorballs

your situation is a knarly one

we all know that seperation of homes is incredibly hard . we knows the stats . As stressful as a bereavement

but if he wants ladies he’s going to have to start making a plan , and a realistic timeline

Slothmomma

I actually love a good date story
gives us hope

yay 😀

Slothmomma Yay! What a lovely update
Good luck with Mr Libra too!

@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers
Thanks, see seems pretty great so far. 😊

Nothing to do with dating, but what is with young women ( upto about 20), and all the pouting in selfies , keep seeing pictures on SM from niece and it’s all posing and pouting

@Slothmomma yaayyy! 💃🏽 This is brilliant news. Hope Mr Libra is equally great tonight.

so Valley man was flipping brilliant. I am pretty blown away. Was not expecting the physical side of things to be so good. Thinking of gently stopping things with Mr Blonde. I think with Valley man and then my close friendship with the artist, I’m perfectly content. Is it ok to tell a bit of a fib to end it with Mr Blonde? He’s a good bloke and I’ve enjoyed his company. I don’t want to hurt his ego particularly.

hope anyone dating tonight, or surfing OLD, is doing ok.

@Slothmomma 👏👏 for a great date!!

@Thisisworsethananticpated sounds like the tables are turning on Balkan… you do what’s right for you 💕

That's great news @Levithecat - in my opinion totally fine to tell Mr Blonde a white lie - you are thinking of his feelings and that's a good thing.

@Slothmomma fab news on the good date... !