Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I have a date zero tomorrow. After last weeks 3 not great dates I haven't been swiping much, but did match with a new iron. I'm not going to give him a name yet but we are meeting for coffee. We seem to have a lot in common so I'm quietly hopeful.

Still thinking of MrMind a lot, he text me on Sunday for the first time in a few weeks which threw me a bit. Meh.

@30somethingandstillsingle …good news about your mystery new iron!
mr Mind popped in again…not surprised really
Somehow women …we are different. If I’m not seeing a future I just erase all messages and mobile number. I can never message back an old iron. I think most women do what I do. Men…always reappear somehow…😂😂

How about this one.
'Im always at work, always, 100% working with no time 'off' because I'm at work. When I'm not working I really, really need, NEED somebody to be mine'.

Well, that's clear as mud

30something Good luck with the date!

Sounds scary snd intense and a big old nope off from me @NervesOfCotton 😱

What did he say @30somethingandstillsingle ? Anything interesting or just a random pop up?

Butterfly I know! Strange, intense person!

I was speaking to a new one but he was pushing to go onto WhatsApp & then deleted his photo & ignored me when I asked why. Another big Nope!

@ButterflyOfShay he said that he was sorry (again) for being so messed up and ruining us, that he cares for me and misses me and doesn't want me gone from his life.
It's hard, I have feelings for him, and he does me too but I can't travel on that path with him right now, he's a mess emotionally and he's not good for my own emotional health.

I do feel like he's possibly the right man at the very wrong time, and as much as part of me wants to sit patiently waiting, I realise I can't and I won't do that.

That is really hard @30somethingandstillsingle but so admirable you’re keeping your head over it as much as you like him. Even if he is in a mess it sounds like he’d drag you down and no one needs that… sending you 💐! x

Catching up with the thread... @Thisisworsethananticpated hope you're feeling better today... kudos to you for gym-going and for looking after your ma. Interesting discussions yesterday about love and not really knowing what we're looking for... it was my big realisation after MrM that I think in this 'day and age' <immediately sounds about 90> we're all so focused on defining what we want in terms of exclusivity vs open... casual vs committed... etc etc - that the word 'love' gets left out of the conversation entirely. I have realised, somewhat belatedly and 2+ years after starting OLD, that love is exactly what I'm looking for. I think once I have that connection, all the rest of the 'how do we define this?' chatter takes care of itself really and the two of you can work out what works between you.

Re the openness chat, I read a thread on MN a while ago with people discussing FWB, and there was a strong contingent of pro-FWB women on there saying for them it can only work if you have more than one FWB going, as it is the only way to stop getting over-attached (for them, anyway..). I think I am like this and if I am only seeing one person, I am going to get very attached to them, and therefore it's going to have to be a committed relationship because otherwise I'll be left anxious and feeling over-attached.

Catching up on the thread after a couple of days away... @ButterflyOfShay I totally think you should riff with your instinct on MrTurk - look forward to hearing more.

@30somethingandstillsingle good luck for your date today and well done for not getting drawn back in with MrMind. The phrase "what's for me won't pass me" is a good one to remind yourself of if tempted... leave it be and if anything's meant to be over the long term it will happen.

@Mila14 any more from Mr Wall? I am glad you're looking elsewhere, it all seems too emotionally fraught and hot/cold with him. Next!

Had a great couple of days with MrNice. He continues to live up to his name and had made me a necklace which he gave me when we met on Sunday. I get so anxious about things like that "oh Christ what if I hate it??" but - it is so lovely I didn't have to pretend or anything 🙈I worked from his yesterday and Monday and he left me to it other than making me food etc - it's the longest time we've spent together and all was good. We had "the chat" on Monday evening about openness, coming off apps, 'are we boyfriend and girlfriend?' etc etc and all went very well... phew!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs this is all so positive, sounds like a really wonderful few days and I’m so pleased you even had the chat. It’s very interesting what you say about love. I feel very closed off from that right now. One day…
I am already struggling a bit with my multiple irons, Valley boy is so sensitive and I can see he’s getting very attached even though I tried to be clear. I’m also feeling quite attached to him. But I don’t think it’s what I ‘need’, right now anyway. Weird that the one I feel least strong about is the one I have the best physical connection with (Mr Blonde) but I’m wondering if that’s me putting up walls and compartmentalising so much that I can just throw myself into a physical relationship without getting at all attached to someone.

that sound really hard @30somethingandstillsingle - well done for sticking to your guns.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …super news about Mr Nice. Are you guys coming off apps or not? tell us a bit how that works…I don’t think I would know how to tackle it without being a mess…I read what you wrote with interest. For me…it’s clear…I want to fall in love. Completely. I don’t know how likely that is but I think it can happen. I’m not averse about compromising with a nice man I like a lot and care about but right now…I’d like to be madly in love.
Mr Wall sent succinct message yesterday saying he still wants to meet and see how it feels face to face. I’m looking around for other irons to be honest

@30somethingandstillsingle …best of luck in your dates and I really really admire your stance. I was madly in love with my Mr Ex for years and I knew we could not get anywhere and still persisted in that relationship. You are demonstrating incredible maturity about your Mr ex iron. I did say he would come back…they do. It’s up to us to decide what to do next
@Thisisworsethananticpated …how are you feeling? Sending you hugs and hopefully you will have a marvellous time in Greece

@Levithecat …I hear you about Mr Valley. It feels like right now you don’t want to get too emotionally invested in anyone. If Mr Blonde is offering attraction and you don’t want to get too entangled , he might be just what you need. We all need different things at different times but you have 2 good irons to choose from 😊

Thanks @Mila14 - yes to coming off apps although I don’t think either were still really on them. He said he’s basically not interested in anyone else but was not “proprietary” if I wanted a bit of openness and we discussed/agreed a few boundaries around that. Weirdly his attitude towards it made me less inclined to feel the need to actually go through with it - I just want the kind of relationship where we can have difficult conversations and not necessarily think that one person’s fear is a good enough reason to stop someone doing something. I know I’d find it difficult if my partner wanted to have sex with someone else as well as me but I’d like to explore those feelings (in my case stemming from a fear they’d prefer that person and maybe abandon me) rather than shut it all down in the first instance. Complicated stuff but I’d say for now it feels good. Still very early days, let’s face it.. trying to stay grounded.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs …I think he’s very mature and well rounded in general. Perfect for you. I sense you are scared of falling in love with Mr Nice 😊

Thanks, yes it's a hard stance to take at times!

Just back from my coffee date. Not quite as tall as he said he was 🙄 and I'm not sure there is initial attraction there... however, had a great time and great conversation l, time flew by.
Has anyone experienced this and the attraction grew over time?

@30somethingandstillsingle …I know the feeling….I like them over 6’1”. They write 6’ when it’s more like 5’10”! But the important thing is that you liked him. It bodes really well. If I remember you want a serious partner with a view to having a family with ? Am I wrong? If this is the case, there’s a lot to consider on your prospective iron

@Mila14 yes he said 5'10 but more like 5'8 I prefer over 6'

I do want something long term but not in a rush, I have dc and don't want any more.

@Mila14 i love that you know you want to completely fall in love. i mute the sites quite a lot (not showing on any at the moment). doesn’t sound like Mr Wall is the one, hey?

I’m so soon out of 20 years of a relationship/marriage that really broke me… but Valley boy is pulling at my heartstrings and it seems mad to not see someone because of that. He’s so open and vulnerable and kind. Despite what I said I can tell he won’t cope with something casual longer term. He’s coming over for a few hours on Friday so I’ll reassess things then. But I’m thinking about him lots and there’s a (quite big) bit of me that would be happier to lose Mr Blonde. But that would mean I might fall in love…

@30somethingandstillsingle - they all seem to lie about height! It seems madness to lie about anything. I always have a few no make up shots on my profiles, plus a full length shot and one showing some of my tattoos because I know that’s a deal breaker for some. My pet hate in male profiles is those bed selfies, smouldering up from the pillow!

Fab. Long term sounds great too. Have a second date and see how it goes. In my short experience OLD , a second date didn’t make the guy any more attractive though 😂😂. I’m learning to go with gut feeling on date 1. If it’s not there… it’s not

@Levithecat … I totally get your point. Part of me wants you to go on dating Mr Valley though. What are the chances of meeting sweet nice lovely men ?? Huh? 😊

Love your encouragement @Mila14 🥰 we shall see… and I totally agree on first impressions. I am learning to fully trust my instincts about people.

Checking in

I’m reading my copy of ‘Mr unavailable and the fallback girl’

so if Lundy Bancroft (abuse book ) was my last textbook
this is my new one !
I’m literally highlighting so much

I’m not doing anything else today other than reading it

Ahh the classics @Thisisworsethananticpated ...

@Levithecat I think it's interesting you have the sexual frisson with Mr Blonde but he's not setting you alight in other ways - I only say this as Mr Nice is a slow burn in that sense - I usually go for strident big characters who make me fall about laughing and are great at the text banter AND also I'm hugely attracted to... but they are emotionally unavailable. This time the sexual connection is very strong but the other side of it is calm and gentle. I usually have 'nowt going on' on both counts, or fireworks on both counts.

@Mila14 I'm with you on the height thing although MrNice was the only person I've ever arranged to meet without knowing how tall he was and on the way there was panicking that he'd be 5'5 (I'm 5'8)... all was fine but I did think it was interesting that i never asked in his case as before I've always wanted to know. I agree with you that for me if it's not there after the first date, it has never improved afterwards... or at least, it's all about the first kiss really (if there is one).

Lundy Bancroft??which book please? I read women who love too much by Robin Norwood thanks to a fellow poster on these threads ! Good you are taking time to yourself 😘

Mila14
lundy Bancroft write a book about typical male to
female behaviour in abusive relationships
which I shan’t dwell on
and hope you don’t need to read it x
you seem to me to have strong boundaries from your posts here anyway

I almost feel this book 📚 is the natural sequel !

as so many people who had abusive relationships have shitty boundaries or commitment issues afterward
or just plain old low self esteem

there are also long standing gender issues which we all , male and female , grapple with

anyway I’ve literally highlighted the whole bloody thing

ibelieveinmirrorballs
I think you need a gold ⭐️ or a certificate for the progress you have been making in moving into a more healthy dynamic
really 🤗