Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Stayingstrongish I didn't love Mr K, I cared about him alot and really liked him.
I'm emotionally unavailable but also got severely hurt in my marriage so my heart is closed off.
What even is love? I asked people that all the time and got good answers but I still stand by my question.

I think if you're both happy as you are that's fine, its when he assumes it's more and it's not that's a problem.

@SortingItOut …you are right…there really is not a good definition. The fact you like someone a lot and care about a person should be enough. I think I need the passionate liking each other physically and good sex on top of that

@Mila14 Fancying someone and good sex is a must as well as liking and caring about them.

I might feel differently if I meet someone in the future but I'm so emotionally closed off who knows what will happen.
I'm hoping with all my therapy I'm going to be so much better with feelings and expressing my needs in a new relationship.

to be honest Stayingstrongish post about love really jolted me and made me think

why isn’t love even on my list of things to think about ?
don’t think it’s possible ?
can’t imagine it ?

i actually can’t even imagine myself in a stable and loving relationship 😞

im in the process of trying to gently sunset 🌅 my thing with Balkan
without acrimony (wish me luck with that !)

and I don’t think I’m going to dive back in too quickly this time

Levithecat
Slothmomma

impressed by both your tenacity ! And hard work 😂
good luck 🍀

@Thisisworsethananticpated Ihope you're able to sunset Balkan, I know you tried before and it didn't happen.

You are worthy of love and have a lot of love to give.

Before you jump into anything again please read Mr Unavailable and The Fallback Girl.

How's your summer holidays going being an adult in your own right and not just a mum?

Mila14

sorry to hear he is caving but not suprised sadly

SortingItOut

you know what I’ll order it ! I’m on holiday this weekend

honestly it’s been a bit sad
mums been in hospital and all the stress has caught up with me
works been horrible

however I’ve joined a gym and I’ve been looking after myself

this time i will sunset him , I just want it to be gentle and not nasty

@SortingItOut do you think he wanted you to love him? Do you think he loved/loves you? Would he be hurt if he knew how you really felt? (Definitely not saying you should contact him!! Im just wondering if he wanted different things to you maybe its the best thing that it ended despite it being very sudden?) 💐

@NervesOfCotton 💗💗
How you feeling about Mr School run now…. Have you seen him?

@ButterflyOfShay Mr K is as closed off as me, he would tell me he cared about me and liked me, we never discussed love.
He's been hurt in the past and is guarded, I expect we both wanted to be loved but weren't able to vocalise that or even be able to say it back.

This is the problem with 2 emotionally unavailable people trying to have a relationship.

@Stepcount Honestly you and Mr V are just great, I love to hear about your relationship.
I envisaged Mr K in my future so it's been a huge shock.
I know it wasn't the perfect relationship but I thought it was perfect for us.
Being guarded was fine as we both were and it didn't feel weird.

I've learnt so much from the relationship that I hope to take into another relationship in the future (not sure when that might be though but I'm only early 40's so plenty of time).

@Thisisworsethananticpated Have a hug 🤗, how is your mum doing in the care home convalescing?

I'm glad you've been looking after yourself, have you kept away ftom the alcohol?

Hopefully with some time to yourself this weekend the sadness will start to fade.

@SortingItOut has there been any discussion with your counsellor - or can you explain/understand- why you were deeply affected and sad at the relationship ending? Wouldn’t this indicate that you were emotionally involved?

Nothing worse than having a very sick parent @Thisisworsethananticpated
I don’t even have contact with mine but would definitely not want to hear they’re suffering 💐

SortingItOut

She’s a a very tricky and very anxious patient
whilst I’m glad it happened when kids away it’s been very emotionally and physically hard
as I find her such hard work 🙈

its also made me feel very very alone

and I’ve been pretty damm good with the drinking !

I’ve ordered that book !

@Stepcount I was emotionally involved with Mr K but we never verbalised it which isn't healthy. I think deep down we loved each other (in our own way) but never said it.
The lack of expressing needs and wants was a huge problem in our relationship and although I had started to overcome it Mr K found it too hard. So it was then a one sided discussion with only one of us stating our needs and wants.

If we had been able to have proper discussions about everything we wouldn't be over.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Bless your mum 🤗
Great news on the drinking, can you see the benefits of not drinking?

Yay!! You'll like it but it can be tough going.
I'm hoping to reread my copy soon but not quite ready yet, each time I pick it up I get a lump in my throat and want to cry.
I need to heal a lot more before I can read it.

Sorry @SortingItOut I hadn’t seen your message to me when I posted. Thank you for your lovely words. I think what is always clear when you write about your own situation is a great deal of self awareness and a determination that your life will not be controlled and impacted by the difficulties of your marriage.

SortingItOut
ButterflyOfShay

as always thanks for the kind morning messages

we Can’t fix and advise on everything
same for you sorting

but (again) your kind messages have made me cry x

@Thisisworsethananticpated things at the moment sound emotionally conflicting and separating out which emotion belongs to which situation is challenging. I have been where you are. It might be that your mind is telling you that Balkan has to go because he’s not fulfilling the role a partner might in a situation where you are facing a tough time. Or it might be that because you are being emotionally tested in other ways that he becomes the most obvious thing to take out of the equation. I would maybe think about putting him to one side or down the list of priorities and seeing how things are with everything in a week or two.

I’m slipping with the drinking again I have to admit. However I find what works for me is allowing myself a few bad weeks then set a deadline and go cold turkey from there on for like 2/3 months. I find that works for me. I just can’t be well behaved 365 days of the year! 😂🙈

@Thisisworsethananticpated we are here for you!! You’re not alone I promise xxxxx

Hi Butterfly I've not seen him, he was supposed to txt about meeting up with the kids on Mon but hasn't... I honestly feel conflicted like there's the 'nice' him & then the 'actual' him.

I'd decided to still meet him with the kids as none of this is their fault, (& he's perfectly lovely around the kids) but any more date/going to his talk was going to be a no... Looks like he's ignoring me anyway so I guess I was being the bigger person.

(Last night was difficult as I really missed txt him, we had been txt every day/evening for a week until the date)

I know I'm pathetic & don't worry, I sat on my hands

@Thisisworsethananticpated ...I’m sorry to hear about your mum and you feeling a bit down. I think you realise how much people in this thread like you and root for you
I agree with @Stepcount …perhaps focus on you and what you need now and put Balkan at the bottom of the list for a few weeks.
I don’t understand why you want to leave Balkan now because you sometimes sound like FWB with him works just fine. If you feel fragile about your mum and yourself ( like we all do millions of times) prioritise.
I’m starting to realise it’s important to know what we really really want. And perhaps we jump into relationships thinking we will find out but really not knowing…

I’d like very much to have a close encounter under my duvet

everything seems better with a close encounter under a duvet, especially if there is a woman (or man ) in there with you