Page 15 | Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

Dancerinthemoonlight · 2022-07-18T10:28:18+00:00

The Rules: The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating. Develop a thick skin. Do not invest emotionally too soon. It's all BS until it actually happens. Trust your gut instinct. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault. Know your worth. If it's not fun, stop. Loo update is mandatory. No dating the thread. Treat others as you'd like to be treated Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy. Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

SortingItOut · 31/07/2022 18:52

@Mila14 I met his son a handful of times, he did not want us to integrate much as his son had really been affected by his last relationship breakdown and he didn't want to put him through anything like that again.
He thought once his son was a teenager he would be better able to cope with his dad having a relationship.
I didn't want to be a stepmum so that was fine by me but ultimately it meant his available time to see me was limited.

I'm sure Mr K regrets it now especially as he wants to live with someone in a few years but not sure how he planned to integrate his son to this....

Anyway it's all in the past now and I accepted his choice.

Mila14 · 31/07/2022 18:56

@SortingItOut …how old is his son? I think he’s done a terrible mistake… I can’t even comprehend when you are clearly fab with friends and family why he hasn’t chosen you to live with him in a few years. I can u derstand he does not want anyone in his home until boy goes to Uni, hence my question about boy’s age

SortingItOut · 31/07/2022 19:04

@Mila14 His son is 11.
I was against living with anyone due to my abusive marriage, I made this clear to him, he had also been against living with someone. It was only a few months ago that he started dropping hints about living together but he never told me outright it was a deal breaker until we had our chat.
I spoke to my best friend and she said I should be open to it so I was and told him this and he said it was too late.
I asked him why he hadn't told me he wanted to live with me earlier, he said he knew my feelings and thought it would be the end.
I think he doesn't know how to voice his wants and needs due to emotional unavailability so kept quiet for so long, if he'd told me a lot earlier we could have had indepth discussions about it.

Mila14 · 31/07/2022 19:12

@SortingItOut …I understand. He really does not know what he wants. Do you have underage DC too? I would understand this is an issue. My DC are still in their teens and I would not want to disrupt their life. I totally understand you coming from abusive relationship wanted to live alone to start with. He should understand you after 3 years together. I really really think he made a mistake sorting , I don’t know whether you can give him another chance or you are totally against it…

SortingItOut · 31/07/2022 19:25

@Mila14 My children are 25 and 19 and live with me, I had my children very young.
It's not clear how we would live together if we both had our children living with us because we don't have houses big enough (Mr K is trying to buy his first house so will likely only be 2 bedroom).

When we had our chat he wouldn't even discuss how it would work because he hadn't actually thought the logistics through.

It's not big headed of me to say that I was his best chance of a good future, I have a good income, I'm independent, have a good pension, I'm generally great - his previous wife/girlfriends have been in low income jobs with no pensions etc and he had to fund everything as he has a good job.
He's unlikely to meet someone better than me.

Am I open to trying again? I'm open to chatting things through but a lot would have to be different for us to have a relationship again.

SortingItOut · 31/07/2022 19:27

I'm not reaching out though, I asked to try again and told him I was open to progressing things to living together and he said no.
He knows my thoughts, its up to him to change his mind and reach out.

I think his message this week was the first step of him trying to reach out....

Mila14 · 31/07/2022 19:28

@SortingItOut …I get your point. If he comes back you need to set the agenda and discuss ALL. Very soon the ball will be in your court 😊
Everyday that goes through you feel more empowered and he’s probably feeling worse

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 31/07/2022 20:46

It's not big headed of me to say that I was his best chance of a good future, I have a good income, I'm independent, have a good pension, I'm generally great - his previous wife/girlfriends have been in low income jobs with no pensions etc and he had to fund everything as he has a good job.
He's unlikely to meet someone better than me.

that’s an interesting comment, as m in the same but opposite boat, I’m the one with good job, good pension, no mortgage etc, Maybe ms H is having those same kinda thoughts and sees me as best chance of a good future 🤔

BellaDiMamma · 31/07/2022 20:59

@SortingItOut this is an interesting situation to be in ... as I'm sure @Mila14 is right, you've thought it through, talked it out, you've really pushed yourself to take risks in the relationship and also deal with the split ... so you will be gaining strength and recovery at the moment. Whereas, from what you post, MrK will not have the same resources as you to get over it and will be a bit lost.

As for what you say @HowlongWillThisTakeNow, is this what you think is motivating MsH. Does she seem focused on her financial future?

Personally I wouldn't be getting into a long term relationship with anyone who wasn't sorted financially as I've got too much to lose. However not everyone is deliberately looking for a provider; more someone who can evidence a sensible attitude to money and work!

BellaDiMamma · 31/07/2022 21:03

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 31/07/2022 14:03

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow thank you for opening my post to the group for comment 😬🧐

I’m very aware the whole conversation around any sort of open relationship immediately takes it outside the bounds of what most people are looking for. This is not about keeping it casual, or blithely being able to go and do whatever you want, but about having an open conversation around what is and isn’t acceptable as we define whatever “it” is we’re entering into. We haven’t done that yet. As an example, keeping sex out of it, I do have an ongoing friendship with more than one ex that involves spending entire days together hanging out. I want to put it all on the table for discussion. What if, in the future, we might have sexual desires that the other person isn’t interested in? It’s good to discuss this stuff. I aspire to be able to stand by the belief that sex is positive and pleasure is good for us… and am not sure I believe that enjoying sex with one person us somehow an act against another person.

Fully recognise this is not for all though and I’m still pondering it all. I love this about life and being on this journey… staying open minded and free to change direction at any point.

Just popping in to say I'm also in an open relationship but all we've done so far is define what that might look like. However I've found it very liberating to have that discussion and to know that it's on the table as a real option. I'm a great believer in honouring your true self and being open about feelings. Poor MrD found it a bit full on at first but now he values it as he never needs to second guess me 🤪 ... it's all out there! Some might call it brutal honesty. I call it letting everyone know where they stand ...!

Ps @Levithecat you did totally the right thing ... why wait and see and torture yourself when actually all it needs is two grown ups to have a proper conversation...!

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 31/07/2022 22:04

@BellaDiMamma thanks for the comment, ms H will probably be working till she is 60 to pay off her mortgage, as for pension I know she will get something from her divorce settlement, but not sure what. And I’m certainly not getting in any kind of “serious relationship” with anyone, no marriage, no full time cohabitation nothing like that, nothing to risk my finances, but i can see how I could help make her life easier, her house could do with some TLC, the kinda l could easily do or help with, some paint, new flooring etc., bit of help in her garden

as for open relationships, I’m not going full time with anyone, so open doesn’t really matter to me, but I can see ms H being more than FWB, much more F then B , with maybe someone else being more B than F, but those are just thoughts right now and might all come to nothing

but saying the above, ms H did ( I assume still has) a high sex drive so sex was never an issue either ( unless I couldn’t get it up of course).

BellaDiMamma · 31/07/2022 22:21

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 31/07/2022 22:04

@BellaDiMamma thanks for the comment, ms H will probably be working till she is 60 to pay off her mortgage, as for pension I know she will get something from her divorce settlement, but not sure what. And I’m certainly not getting in any kind of “serious relationship” with anyone, no marriage, no full time cohabitation nothing like that, nothing to risk my finances, but i can see how I could help make her life easier, her house could do with some TLC, the kinda l could easily do or help with, some paint, new flooring etc., bit of help in her garden

as for open relationships, I’m not going full time with anyone, so open doesn’t really matter to me, but I can see ms H being more than FWB, much more F then B , with maybe someone else being more B than F, but those are just thoughts right now and might all come to nothing

but saying the above, ms H did ( I assume still has) a high sex drive so sex was never an issue either ( unless I couldn’t get it up of course).

Sounds like you might quite enjoy helping her out like that as well? So if it works for you both, so long as everyone knows what the commitment levels are on each side eg you're not off to Vegas for a quickie wedding tomorrow, why not? So long as you're both happy, it sounds like the perfect arrangement 😊

ButterflyOfShay · 01/08/2022 07:11

BellaDiMamma · 31/07/2022 18:10

Threadie meet up

Hi everyone and sorry I've not really been participating in the chat recently...!

Some of us are going to do an in person meet on Friday 21 October. It will be an evening meet and hopefully won't interfere too much with half term plans etc

Location: central London. Last time we all met up on the South Bank, this could be a good place to go for in October as well.

Please DM me if you'd like to come!

Yessss brilliant im in 💛💛

ButterflyOfShay · 01/08/2022 07:14

I actually have a little update! Its only very minor though. Have had a couple of small yet sparky encounters with Mr Turk recently. I feel certain he likes me!
Don’t know if anything will happen but it’s just nice to feel that actually despite what a third party told me… what I feel is the TRUTH is more convincing! And has made me feel better 💛

ButterflyOfShay · 01/08/2022 07:16

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 31/07/2022 15:13

Interesting comments rec”openness”,
as you might have guess I’m talking to Ms H (or she is taking to me), about what we might doin the future, I don’t see me being in a “relationship” with her, ( or anyone really), she is just too closed off but maybe we could do something or nothing who knows?

Do you think you’d continue to see her but maybe meet someone else? Sounds a bit casual where as it seems like you’d like something a bit more real? She’s never quite given you enough has she.

ButterflyOfShay · 01/08/2022 07:16

SortingItOut · 31/07/2022 17:31

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I think the biggest challenge for Mr K and I (aside from the emotional unavailability) was our lack of availability to see each other, he has his son 4 - 5 times a week and I often had work meetings of an evening so our free time struggled to align.
I am not sure how this could change unless he wanted to integrate me with his son which he was always reluctant to do but then expected us to live together.
He couldn't see the 2 things wouldn't align.
He has a fixed idea of his future but it doesn't tie in with his current situation.
He's been far too cautious and it's backfired.

Your few days with Mr Nice sound exciting, it's good to know you can leave at any time.
Hopefully you'll enjoy yourself.

@HowlongWillThisTakeNow I'd be fine with a man suggesting open or poly but for me it would be unhealthy as I know it's linked to my emotional unavailability and further reinforces keeping my feelings to myself.
I think it's easier to raise this early on rather than years into a relationship.

Thanks @ButterflyOfShay, I'm trundling along enjoying life and putting him out of my mind.
He will definitely be missing me, we had great times together and always a laugh, he really liked being part of my family as he doesn't have that, him and my brother got really close. I've told my brother I'm fine with them remaining friends.

@SortingItOut 💗💗💗 glad youre doing ok xx

ButterflyOfShay · 01/08/2022 07:19

SortingItOut · 31/07/2022 19:04

@Mila14 His son is 11.
I was against living with anyone due to my abusive marriage, I made this clear to him, he had also been against living with someone. It was only a few months ago that he started dropping hints about living together but he never told me outright it was a deal breaker until we had our chat.
I spoke to my best friend and she said I should be open to it so I was and told him this and he said it was too late.
I asked him why he hadn't told me he wanted to live with me earlier, he said he knew my feelings and thought it would be the end.
I think he doesn't know how to voice his wants and needs due to emotional unavailability so kept quiet for so long, if he'd told me a lot earlier we could have had indepth discussions about it.

Maybe he just has never had the confidence to articulate what he wants as he's been judged or put down before or made to feel a bit worthless and like his wants don't matter? (Not by you! Just in his past) Just a thought and just speaking from my own experience here! X

ButterflyOfShay · 01/08/2022 07:21

That is amazing @BellaDiMamma and so brave!! I love it that its just all out there!!

SortingItOut · 01/08/2022 07:33

@ButterflyOfShay exciting news about Mr Turk, I assume you think he's actuslly single.

Mr K is a people pleaser and he told me that himself not long after we first met, everyone elses needs matter more than his (and my needs caused confusion as he wasn't used to it)
This is clear as day by the fact he married an ex girlfriend so she could return to live with her family in the UK😱
They did try and make a go of it and had their son but ultimately they got married for the wrong reason.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/08/2022 07:55

ButterflyOfShay

i always sensed he liked you !
this ‘friend’ clearly isn’t , a fantastic one

I guess the next question is ‘Is he single’

time will tell
I’m more direct than you so I’d chat and dig

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/08/2022 07:57

SortingItOut

I don’t think the MR k and your friendship /relationship is yet resolved either

your recent posts about his relationship with your family and your lack of links with his is telling

the more time you get to think about what really matters is not a bad thing either

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/08/2022 08:01

HowlongWillThisTakeNow

I think you are facing the question many of us face which is ‘what do I want ‘

and the simple fact , and I’ve seen it on here , is we are many of us confused !
i think I want A , then I want B

right now I can see you can give things to her
sex
DIY
as examples

question is what does she provide you with , what’s the value she adds to your life ?

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 01/08/2022 09:31

What do I want, that’s the $6m question, does anyone know what they really want?
a few things I have learned from reading and participating to a small degree is that
I’m actually quite pragmatic and if something doesn’t work, try something else.
also I think quite a few women would be happy to date me ( maybe my pictures were no good on old), but in real life I do okay for myself, maybe that’s a self worth thing ?

would I be open to meeting other people, I mean, yes, why not, I’m sure Kate Moss has simply mislayed my phone number (again! )

As for ms H, I could do with some advice, I know she has a close relationship with her DD, I’m also aware that her DD is off to Uni probably in a month or so and that there has been a slight shift in her communications, being her bit more open,
does anyone think that she is looking to me to provide some kind of moral/ social support once her DD has left?

BellaDiMamma · 01/08/2022 09:35

A quick reminder to PM me if you'd like to join the Threadie meet on 21 October in that London.

BellaDiMamma · 01/08/2022 09:36

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 01/08/2022 09:31

What do I want, that’s the $6m question, does anyone know what they really want?
a few things I have learned from reading and participating to a small degree is that
I’m actually quite pragmatic and if something doesn’t work, try something else.
also I think quite a few women would be happy to date me ( maybe my pictures were no good on old), but in real life I do okay for myself, maybe that’s a self worth thing ?

would I be open to meeting other people, I mean, yes, why not, I’m sure Kate Moss has simply mislayed my phone number (again! )

As for ms H, I could do with some advice, I know she has a close relationship with her DD, I’m also aware that her DD is off to Uni probably in a month or so and that there has been a slight shift in her communications, being her bit more open,
does anyone think that she is looking to me to provide some kind of moral/ social support once her DD has left?

I think she's probably just got more time so can start thinking about herself again. As women/ parents we tend to forget to do that til everyone has left home ...!