Dating Thread 231: Summer Lovin

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
Develop a thick skin.
Do not invest emotionally too soon.
It's all BS until it actually happens.
Trust your gut instinct.
People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
Know your worth.
If it's not fun, stop.
Loo update is mandatory.
No dating the thread.
Treat others as you'd like to be treated
Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I agree on women talking it out. The artist was talking about his ex and saying how hard he found it when he tried to pour his heart out to her after they split and she sent clipped responses. I tried to explain that it’s a self preservation mechanism; but I also know I’m pretty good at moving on.

@NervesOfCotton How can that man think he's a good catch, 3 young children and only has them once a fortnight nevermind the living with his mum and being paid to do housework😱

@Levithecat I've always known he was emotionally unavailable but not quite to what extent and it's only when an issue arises that you realise how bad it is.
We got along so well for so long but ultimately once we started discussing needs and wants it's when it all went wrong.

Having had therapy I'm ready to be less emotionally unavailable and I can only do that with someone who is emotionally available so it's for the best but my god it hurts.
Maybe I should have ended it a long time ago.

A gentle message sounds good as he may be able to articulate better via message than in person and at least you'll know where you stand.

I’ve sent it… tried to phrase it very respectfully as I don’t intend it to be pressure and I’d love to be friends. It would just help me massively to know if it’s no, not now or no, not ever.

@NervesOfCotton …Although I had this gem the other day, 'I live with my mum but I do some housework so she pays me for that & that's my beer money. I have my kids (age 2,3 & 4) one night a fortnight & if they wake up in the night mum sees to them so I don't get tired' (Age 46)

Jesus… absolutely mental people…hopefully there’s a lot better that that!!,😳

@SortingItOut …we were together nearly 3 years, the reasons for the break up are not that clear to me but what I do know is how emotionally unavailable

Its totally up to you and 3 years is a long time dating. I think he may want to come back with and does not know how to do it. I think it will get more urgent when winter starts as he will have had enough time to think “ what the hell have I done?” He needs a radical change to have you back but I would not rule it out because the fact is that you are not checking other guys and don’t feel like having sex with anyone else. There’s hope

@Levithecat …I think your heart is with the artist and not with Mr Blonde. Still, you are doing things rightly with Mr Art. I said before that sometimes you find the ideal person but he’s not in the right frame of mind because there’s been break up that has caused anxiety, or it’s too soon to get engaged in another love story. I think if you give him time and respect his space…Mr Art can come up as an ideal partner. You obviously like him a lot as a person and that is key

I think women can talk it out a lot more with our girlfriends and ‘therapise’ more than men do ?
Yep

I know I had processed and started to mourn the end of my marriage before it actually ended so I was in a better headspace to move on when I started OLD. I think this is the case for a lot of women as ending a marriage with kids is a huge deal for us if there’s no obvious ‘reason’.

hence within the 3 years since my marriage ended, I was able to have the headspace to buy my ex out, be emotionally available enough to meet and fall in love with a lovely man and be in a position to co-parent amicably with exH if he was so inclined.
He on the other hand is still ‘struggling’ and possibly messing up our kids with his angst and will only let me contact him by email preventing the amicable co-parenting that would help us all.

So tread very carefully with those men that are still entangled with exes ( and the exes might not feel the same way at all)

@MayEye …well done you. I think we women leave marriage because we are not in love and refuse to live the rest of our lives with a stranger or a flatmate. However…men always have someone on the side 99% of the time. They are less inclined to leave a marriage with kids involved. Many just can’t even afford to divorce…it’s tricky time. It still took you 3 years to fall in love and build back so that’s a good indicator of how difficult it is to be ready for a relationship straight after divorce

Mila & SortingItOut Only thing I can think is they are hoping to find somebody who is looking for a mother figure?! Maybe!
(They can move in & help with the housework for wine money)

Levithecat I think what you sent was fine & I hope you hear from him soon.

Levithecat

good call . Hope he’s honest and gives you a straight answer

This is interesting
the first guy I liked was long long split so totally over it
I’ve been taken aback by Balkans incompletion
and the fact that he (sometimes) shares it with me
im like MATE it’s been 3 years !
but I’m like the others here who was very ready for mine to end

much easier emotionally

my ex still hates me too , I wonder if he slags me
off to his dates ?

typically confusing response…

“You are open & secure. I don't exactly know where I am. I think I would like to see what happens. Maybe we should try a snog and see if it feels like getting off with a potential lover or a friend. I don't know.”

tbh I would like to think he would know if he fancies me. And either he’s ready for a lover or he’s not… this smacks of just him not being sure about me in particular. Think I’ll keep it as friends and if he ever tries a move I’ll be open to reciprocating and seeing how it feels, but I’m not going to chase and try to prove my appeal.

@Levithecat Calling you open and secure and not knowing what he is could indicate emotional unavailability and no one wants that in a partner.

Before I split from Mr K I would have agreed with you about knowing if you fancy someone but now I'm at the stage of not fancying any men which is unheard of. I fancied my old FWB 3 yrs ago but right now I don't, I mean I know he's good looking but I don't fancy him.
Sounds like Mr Artist is still grieving the end of his relationship and until that's done won't be ready to be anything to you but friends.

I think you’re right @SortingItOut - he’s clearly in a bad headspace. I was reflecting the other day that I only bought myself a double bed when I moved into my own place in February because I thought I’d never have a man in it, and now I’d love to! I truly thought I wouldn’t be interested in dating ever again. I teally hope you’re doing ok, sounds like you’re doing all the right things giving yourself time and space - your mojo will be back at the right time.

@Levithecat I applaud you for texting him and getting it out in the open - such a good move on your part. It's so easy to sit in the uncertainty and be anxious and unsure for weeks at a time, not really knowing how to interpret their actions.

I'd agree with @SortingItOut that he sounds emotionally unavailable and really - who wants to snog someone who puts it that way? You want someone who has an uncontrollable urge to snog you, not do it in a "let's conduct an experiment and see if we like it" kind of way! I wonder if there's something in his unavailability that is adding to the attraction for you, and something about Mr Blonde's availability by contrast (being straightforwardly into you) that is keying into a pattern from your past..? I only say this as it's something I've noticed about myself - that by continually going for emotionally unavailable types, I don't have to ever really have a proper intimate connection with someone. Far easier to stay trying to win over the person who's making me work for it than just meet someone in the scary place of both being into each other - because then you really are in the vulnerable zone of getting to know each other intimately.

@SortingItOut good to hear you sounding better and having had a great beach meet with your women's group. I am not surprised that Mr K sent you a message... it sounds like a slightly awkward attempt on his part to spark some sort of conversation, and as you say as he's not in touch with his feelings he probably doesn't really understand what he's doing or why he's doing it. Good to respond but not continue the conversation. The main incompatibility as I could see it (obviously knowing very little!) was and would continue to be the fact that you were the only one "doing the work" in terms of trying to move towards being less emotionally unavailable. It would have been very hard not to end up resenting this over time. One of my good friends' pet peeves when I talk to her about dating stuff is how it's almost always women who go and get therapy, look at their parts in things, try to work on how they handle relationships so they can 'do better' next time... with the men lazily carrying their stuff right into the next relationship they have. Generalising obviously and ... hashtag not all men etc.

Just back from my holiday and going for date 4 with Mr Nice later and then to stay at his place for a couple of days. This feels like a big step and I'm a bit nervous about it... can feel all sorts of insecurity bubbling away under the surface. I'll see how it goes because I could just come home tomorrow afternoon - we're spending today in London at a music event and then going for dinner, then back to his - the plan is for me to then wfh from his tomorrow and stay over again Monday if I want to. He's very laid back and knows I get a bit anxious and it's my first day back to work, so he's going to leave me to it and is completely chilled about the fact I might want to go back home. But... I know the relaxed normality of it all also is something I find hard to relax into. It's my first time going to his place too. Going to remember I can do whatever I want and don't have to stay if it all feels too much.

@Levithecat I think I'd be the same as you and just consider him a friend from that response. If he'd said "of course I fancy you but I'm just not in right headspace at moment" (similar to what my Mr tall was saying) then I consider it a possibility later but what he said would not make me want to snog his face off 🤦‍♀️ I applaud you for sending the message though - I'd do (and have with Mr local effectively) done similar as I hate uncertainty after how my marriage ended. Talking of Mr local, even though I gave him a piece of my mind earlier in week and never thought I'd hear again he has continued to sporadically send me silly emojis to any pics I post. The man is seriously unavailable - which like @ibelieveinmirrorballs has pointed out upthread is probably a draw for me 🤦‍♀️

Date last night was lovely, really easy to chat with and we had a lovely couple of drinks but I didn't feel a spark as such and unfortunately our childfree weekends clash too. We both sent "lovely to have met" messages so assume he felt the same and we'll leave at that.

My ideal would be to continue being able to have occasional FWB with MrM but want to see what he thinks - he’s pretty progressive as a person and to be honest if he’s upset by that I’m more concerned about protecting what’s starting to unfurl with MrNice so that would take priority in the discussions. It’s not helping that I’m reading a book called The Ethical Slut about negotiating these tricky waters.. I’m not used to articulating my needs and wants and find it all very challenging but am trying to be better and braver and trust that there’s nothing wrong with talking about it all in the first instance.

genuine question to the people on the thread, how would you feel if a guy broached this subject with you ?

@SortingItOut glad you’re doing ok sweetie. You are a strong lady. I would say he’s probably been in a bit of disbelief you but I reckon he will be missing you. Don’t respond to his contact unless he sends you an actual message asking to talk. He needs to know how it feels for you to be completely gone. Casual contact will be too easy. Sending hugs xx 💗

Sounds like fun can i come with you pleeeease?? 😆😆💃🏻💃🏻

I hear this 😫 bloody disheartening isn’t it. Have you heard anymore from him?
I 100% don’t think he’s the man for you Angel.. you’re bloody amazing and he’s a small minded moron x

@ibelieveinmirrorballs so glad you had a lovely holiday! And that it’s all going well with MrNice 🥰 you’ll be all glowing and beautiful when you turn up to his 🥰🥰

@ibelieveinmirrorballs sending you all good wishes for the few days - it sounds like it’s broken down into nice days/bits of days which will help. He does sound brilliant so I hope you’re able to relax into it. We’re here for moral support.

so I relied to his message with just -
“Look forward to catching up soon but let's just be friends - if anything else happens it will when the time feels right.”

the flip side of being attracted to emotionally unavailable / complex men is that the nice ones don’t seem as sexy. I definitely need to work on that with myself.

@Thisisworsethananticpated i think you definitely should drink! Have a brilliant time

Thank you @Slothmomma - I agree, his message was not what I would have written if I fancied someone but wasn’t in the right space.

mr Local sounds like a twat.

Levithecat

im also in the ‘not
good enough camp’

you deserve someone who’s ready and wants to snog you - simple

I’d not reply and see what he suggests next !