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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To think most men aren’t cut out for relationships?

169 replies

Curiousturle · 17/07/2022 19:31

Most men don’t seem to be good at being partners, let alone the cheating, affairs, constantly on the look out for younger, prettier models etc ? Given half the chance most would shag around and so many look at porn, use sex workers etc. Many are selfish, don’t pull their weight at home etc

OP posts:
Rinatinabina · 17/07/2022 20:27

I know more of the lazy ones than abusive cheating ones tbh. I think lazy is pretty common.

ilyx · 17/07/2022 20:30

Every workplace I’ve worked, the CEO has come into me

Of course they have 😂

Heatstrokeunsteady · 17/07/2022 20:33

I think the male bashing is borne out of frustration and totally understandable, but how do we actually turn it around?

That is the question we should be asking. What can we do to ensure the next generation does it better?

We all need each other

Burnedoutdr · 17/07/2022 20:39

Curiousturle · 17/07/2022 20:21

Every workplace I’ve worked, the CEO has come into me. Loads of married men too. It’s not industry specific - I’ve worked in loads of different sectors but it’s the same.

My friends and I have come across many married men on online dating. Some of my friends have ended up in relationships with men who were otherwise taken - they didn’t find out until later!

My friends, family and colleagues have had partners cheat on them. It’s not just my experience - but many people I know.

If you look at national statistics, abuse isnt uncommon.

And I never said ‘all men.’ I’d say many, even most.

Come into you eh?

hungupagain · 17/07/2022 20:41

ilyx · 17/07/2022 20:30

Every workplace I’ve worked, the CEO has come into me

Of course they have 😂

Found this with men who work in sales. If your husband works in sales and/or attends overnight conferences etc there is a 95% chance he's cheated on you! If it was a conference at the Belfry (100% chance!).
I work in events and have seen it all. Sales men definitely the worst. Doesn't matter about looks, confidence, seniority... they are at it!

Jsy7 · 17/07/2022 20:41

I think you are probably right about the porn use but most men I know seem decent enough. Everyone has some flaws.

Joey69 · 17/07/2022 20:43

Heatstrokeunsteady · 17/07/2022 20:33

I think the male bashing is borne out of frustration and totally understandable, but how do we actually turn it around?

That is the question we should be asking. What can we do to ensure the next generation does it better?

We all need each other

I think you need to start with education, just look at how badly boys & young men are doing at school / university compared to girls & young women, we are raising a generation of males with no fathers/ male role models/ direction who almost don’t understand what it means to be male.

FrippEnos · 17/07/2022 20:47

user1497207191

If the good ones are taken quickly, why is it that so many (according to MN) are cheating, using porn etc?

CrystalCoco · 17/07/2022 20:58

I agree, I feel like most men are complete wankers and the ones who don't look like they are...they've just been better at covering their tracks / showboating in public.

ilyx · 17/07/2022 21:05

Found this with men who work in sales. If your husband works in sales and/or attends overnight conferences etc there is a 95% chance he's cheated on you! If it was a conference at the Belfry (100% chance!).
I work in events and have seen it all. Sales men definitely the worst. Doesn't matter about looks, confidence, seniority... they are at it

Well yeah but a CEO is a bit different to a lowly salesman

springsally · 17/07/2022 21:22

That is the question we should be asking. What can we do to ensure the next generation does it better?

I think that it's MEN who need to be asking this question and trying to sort it all out. There is a crisis in masculinity but men are doing sweet FA about it. It's not for women to sort it.

Joey69 · 17/07/2022 21:32

springsally · 17/07/2022 21:22

That is the question we should be asking. What can we do to ensure the next generation does it better?

I think that it's MEN who need to be asking this question and trying to sort it all out. There is a crisis in masculinity but men are doing sweet FA about it. It's not for women to sort it.

If you are a parent of a boy surely this is your job irrespective of your gender ?

50mg · 17/07/2022 21:34

I've worked in sales and been on those trips. I agree lots of them are at it, but not everyone.

We don't protect boys like we do girls. For example, at the school I work at, there is a family where parents are separated and there's a court order that means dad isn't allowed near mum or the daughters because of DV, but because dad is deemed no physical risk to the boys, they live with him. So, that's their role model...

springsally · 17/07/2022 21:37

If you are a parent of a boy surely this is your job irrespective of your gender ?

But boys don't live in a vacuum. They will as they get older look at men around them. I should think most mums of boys are already doing all they can but what are men doing?

darlingdodo · 17/07/2022 21:38

I think if a man is going to be in it for the long haul, he'll be in his relationship before he reaches 30. There are some good men around older than that, usually because they've been crapped on by their partners and are starting over

Looking at my close circle, I see DH (we've been married 25 years and I love the bones of him, think he feels the same way about me), DH has 3 brothers - one has been married about 10 years longer than we have, one a couple of years less. Both relationships seem strong. Other brother is single, in his sixties, never had a long term (more than 3 years) relationship. We think he's a good bloke, would make a great husband/partner but he could be perceived as a bit boring - for boring read reliable, steady, honest. He's also a bit shy. His relationships usually end up with the woman leaving for a 'bad boy', who causes misery and mayhem and she the cries on DBIL's shoulder....

Then we have BFF and her DH - been together since early twenties, had a bit of a wobble when DCs were small because it was tough, but struggled through for a few years and are brilliant together. It helped that even when things were tough her DH pulled his weight.

DSis - divorced from her manchild, unfaithful DH and very happy with a guy divorced from his selfish, manipulative DW. She didn't like the fact that he couldn't support her 'ladies who lunch' lifestyle.

Conclusions - there are definitely many decent men out there. You just need to do your homework.

Casper10 · 17/07/2022 21:47

Heatstrokeunsteady · 17/07/2022 20:33

I think the male bashing is borne out of frustration and totally understandable, but how do we actually turn it around?

That is the question we should be asking. What can we do to ensure the next generation does it better?

We all need each other

To be honest it's a bit bemusing reading the 'all good men are in relationships ' comments.

A lot of those men won't be particularly happy but know it's probably worse if they are outside the family home with limitied access to the kids etc.

I've spoken to people close to me and to be honest their situation isn't much different to mine. They are just continuing to be in a relationship whereas in some cases this doesn't continue as the woman wants out.

My theory is that with men. I'm talking the ones that are competent and did want their marriage / LTR to work will go through this once. Give it their best and if it doesn't work out will not necessarily be interested in going through the same again. They will have made mistakes but it won't be solely their fault.

These men will then date to an extent but are probably avoiding to some extent. Whereas the drifters / cocklodgers looking for their next meal will be freely available.

BlooberryBiskits · 17/07/2022 23:15

FrippEnos · 17/07/2022 20:47

user1497207191

If the good ones are taken quickly, why is it that so many (according to MN) are cheating, using porn etc?

The bad ones get taken quickly too 😂

From observation, I think that a lot of men cheat/are horrible because they are fed up of the relationship but don’t have the guts to call it a day or want someone else lined up 1st

BlooberryBiskits · 17/07/2022 23:20

I think @darlingdodo is right, with possible exception for age in some circumstances (ie big cities/career oriented men who’ve maybe been in education til mid/late 20s. In which case it’s 35 or so in the circles I know)

xfan · 17/07/2022 23:31

Lots of long term partnered men and married ones on fabswingers.com. When I was on the site, virtually every second guy who messaged me wanted "discreet" meets. Many were in professional jobs. It made me think if these guys are doing it, who else is too?

Crikeyalmighty · 17/07/2022 23:33

I think it's a bit more complicated- many men are good at compartmentalising and on the surface can make decent dads and husbands and have perfectly ok or even good relationships , but can lack self control when it comes to setting boundaries and vulnerable towards anything involving getting their dick wet or ego boosts and ideally can keep it under the radar and many women would be non the wiser - the problem is if they get found out- I'm sure there are plenty of women on here who thought they were married/partnered to 'a good bloke' , who turned out to be not quite the good bloke they thought - be that affairs/ escorts/webcams/secret debt /drugs etc - I think a lot of men are good on relationships for a period , but can struggle with the long haul

Monoandsix · 17/07/2022 23:39

I do believe men and women want different things from a relationship. There will be plenty of men who probably think women are shit at relationships. Because they don't offer sex on tap, wash their socks and cook their dinner every evening.

D0lphine · 17/07/2022 23:47

I think there are three camps.

  • camp 1 who are men who want relationships / family life and largely manage to maintain good relationships. I'd include in this group men who go through amicable divorces and separations and coparenting effectively. This group isn't just men who have been in one relationship forever and ever from ages 16- 86, otherwise it would be a very small camp indeed!
  • second camp is men who want a relationship and family life (or think they ought to want it), but for some reason fuck it up through their behaviour eg affairs, neglecting a partner, being a poor partner, addictions and generally destructive behaviour.
  • third camp is men who don't actually want a relationship. Whilst it's fine to be in this camp, lots of people in this camp aren't upfront about what they want and May string women along for as long as they can get away with it.

Online dating contains lots of camp 3 as they need a constant stream of women for sex / validation. They are pretty easy to suss out once you know what you're looking for, and therefore reasonably easily avoided.

There are lots of camp 2 online dating because they want the family life and don't do well alone, but their relationships don't last. I think red flags for this kind of man is calling their ex crazy, lack of accountability in the part they played in the relationship failure and generally a lack of ability to "look inwards" and realise what they're actually like. Also poor parenting / Disney dad parenting.

There are some camp 1 men online dating, it's just finding the buggers that's the tricky bit!!! 😂 But they absolutely are out there!

(Camp 4 is abusers. Many of these online too, but how to spot them is another topic.)

Drivebye · 17/07/2022 23:48

I agree with mono above, imo most men want to be in a 'relationship' ie. someone to look after them. It always amazes me how many men move on very quickly if their wife dies. The reasoning given is that they need companionship, mmmm more like they want a housekeeper and someone to service their needs. That said I do know some couples who seem to have the balance right, the factor that stands out is that the women are always strong and don't put up with any crap.

cheekychatta · 17/07/2022 23:49

Crikeyalmighty · 17/07/2022 23:33

I think it's a bit more complicated- many men are good at compartmentalising and on the surface can make decent dads and husbands and have perfectly ok or even good relationships , but can lack self control when it comes to setting boundaries and vulnerable towards anything involving getting their dick wet or ego boosts and ideally can keep it under the radar and many women would be non the wiser - the problem is if they get found out- I'm sure there are plenty of women on here who thought they were married/partnered to 'a good bloke' , who turned out to be not quite the good bloke they thought - be that affairs/ escorts/webcams/secret debt /drugs etc - I think a lot of men are good on relationships for a period , but can struggle with the long haul

Once something goes up sense goes out of the window

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/07/2022 23:53

You’re incredibly cynical and perhaps very unlucky. Have you ever had a relationship? Ever had a decent one?

What are you looking for and where are you looking for it? I know lots of men, I’ve married two, I’ve got brothers. Your view isn’t one I subscribe to at all.

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