DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

I dated a man like this - he stopped short of smashing things and wouldve (just about) stopped short or the c word, but he did similar explosions when someone did something he dust like abd that he considered to undermine his authority and control. With his kids it was typical teenage nonsense. With me it was daring to socialise separately or, when he felt anxious/stressed, me not paying him e oug attention, soothing him, centring him, seeming to prioritise him "enough".

With him it was lots of ranting and raving and verbal abuse, he'd also do it publicly to embarrass and humiliate the "insubordinate".

The more times I heard it, the phrases started standing out to me "they think they're going to abc, well I'm taking the reins back!!" Etc.

He called himself "fiery" but it was all about control

I'm not sure Rene is the one embarrassing herself.

OP, I'd be careful about talking this through with your husband. I think too often women who've got a problem in their relationship are told, "Just talk to him! You need to communicate that you dont want to be treated like a slave/disrespected/sworn at! He's not a mind-reader." This is often bollocks advice with the man already knowing that the woman isn't happy but not really giving a shit so long as she stays and puts up with his shitty treatment.
Your posts show that your husband is abusive. The scenario you outlined in your first post is horrific. Decent men do not behave like that. That type very rarely change. What he might do is pretend to behave better for a few days or weeks if he genuinely fears that you'll leave, but it won't be a real change. He'll be operating as normal very fast and you'll have lost that momentum and anger that might have got you motivated to leave. I know it's hard after so long but if you can't do it for you, do it for your sons.

I'm not sure I care what you think. Thanks though.

Do you need me to mansplain how a forum works? You are not having a conversation with someone else, you are putting your opinion on a forum and others will and have commented.

Hope that helps a little?

I agree. I spent a year and a half "reasoning" with the man above in my post.

He never changed, never stopped, he never will. Its how how wired. It's his fundamental values.

When a man, fundamentally, considered himself in charge, and women and children as his subordinates, his pack (with himself as the alpha male) etc. ... he will never change.

Lindy Bancroft book ("why does he do that, inside the minds of angry etc men") is good on this.

Italy available free online.

I dont mind people having an opinion. I'm fine if people didnt think what I said to OP was right. I did actually support hee a lot yesterday, thought it was going downhill last night as she was hard on posters and people were turning. It was a passing comment.

What I do mind is the sustained bullying by two posters.

Op PO why are you talking over this.
mom so sorry but what are you actually doing.
seriously there is no two sides to this .there is only one option and the only thought needs to be how you get out of this safely and quickly.
what do u need to tell him,what of his reply?
nothing can change what he’s done and has been doing for 2dwcades now .he’s an abuser.he can’t be saved.or stayed with.he can’t get in any good books or show his sorrow over this big a thing!
how does your mum cope.has she said her opinion of him,your life?
why are you doing this op. Dear god I can’t even get my head around it. Had I been a friend I would be on the phone to the police if I’d witnessed it. I’ve thought the only reason you haven’t is because you have been conditioned and abused for so long your can’t see he boiling the frog with you.that was and is why posters have tried to be so gentle.they understand what abuse does to the victim.
but you must understand why you have to get out.you must understand why a discussion is not what is sensible or needed here.

@beautyisthefaceisee stop arguing like a child it's so fucking embarrassing!

I said that in my indoor voice, hope that's ok?

Glad to see you are speaking with a more respectful and reasonable tongue today.

Now how about you do the same .

But again, it's fuck all to do with you, so keep your attacks to yourself.

You really are a nasty piece of work.

Meant to tag @beautyisthefaceisee

@beautyisthefaceisee is a man??? Ahhh. Now the stupid arse comments make sense. I always wonder about 'men" who join MUMsnet. Very odd.

Anyway... to update, he has been upstairs most the day. He came down to hug mum and apologise. He called my brother into.the house after work and apologised to him. Apologised to me. I explained all that he did and how upset the kids were and how i need time apart, at least
He sat there like a puppy. He Said he was "disrespected' and that's why he went mad. Denied he was drunk even though i know he was.

Im just numb. I care but i dont. What he did, i cant forgive. Its too much
I think he was very shocked i refused to go to the wedding as i always just back down for peace sake
Im no angel either, can be very moody and snappy but i think that is because deep down, ive had enough.

I camt talk to him anymore today, what is there to say. Cant wait to get away on weds. Kids will be occupied while i make plans and gather information.

OP I hope you are getting away from this man.

I suspect you have pretty much suppressed yourself to live a peaceful life with this absolute narcissist.

Once you realise what they are, the blinkers are gone.

X-posted.

Be very careful now OP. He knows he has gone too far and that there is a danger that you will leave.

He will either try to hoover you back in OR he may escalate the fear and intimidation.

This is a a very dangerous time for women with abusive partners. Don't underestimate the danger you and your mum are potentially in.

I'm sorry if that's scary to read but it's the truth.

It's a very small leap from threatening your mum and punching through a window to causing physical injury to you and your mum.

He is very invested in his appearance of perfection. He lied about your absence at the wedding. Do you think he wants to live with the truth about who he is emerging?

Men like this will do anything to prevent the 'humiliation' of a woman leaving. They will:

• lie and start spinning the 'crazy wife' narrative to others


• try and control you with money and threats of you losing your children


• Potentially, cause you and your mum harm - the classic murder suicide.

I have known men like this. Please, please be careful.

Ugh, so still excuses and denial then. Enjoy your time away OP!

Ah yes, 'disrespected' - the old standby of the domineering man who sees he is losing control of his previously biddable wife. Denying he was drunk is bad.

Be very careful and while you are away, start planning a permanent departure.

Im no angel either, can be very moody and snappy but i think that is because deep down, ive had enough

The times I've been moody in the past were always when I knew that if I just outright explained what was wrong, I'd be mocked, dismissed, shiuted at or ignored. It's passive aggressive but it can be what happens when you know being open about what you're feeling will get you nowhere - that negativity has to go somewhere. Sounds like this is the result of you subduing your own feelings in order to keep the peace for so long.
The sad puppy act isn't going to last long, incidentally. He'll quickly tire of the submissive role that he expects you to occupy full time.

I've been 'disrespected' plenty of times in my life. Didn't give me the right to smash shit up or threaten to physically assault anyone. That's the rational of a sociopath.

I hope you've told your children this. Heaven forbid they turn out violent sociopaths like him. I'd actually see about getting them in therapy ASAP op. Heaven knows the damage growing up around that beast has done to them.

He Said he was "disrespected' and that's why he went mad.

AWOOGA

AWOOGA

RED ALERT

I can't even begin to explain what's wrong with that. A man who loses his shit like that and turns violent because he thinks he's being "disrespected" is a walking time bomb. Respect to him goes only one way and his approach to relationships is entirely authoritarian. He will be fine as long as everyone treats him like a king and he will go apeshit and claim victimhood whenever anyone asserts any kind of independent will that isn't in line with his.

@ReneBumsWombats agreed. My late husband was a bit like this - not violent (until the night he threatened to kill me, that was his first and last major offence). It was always about demanding 'respect' (read: unquestioning agreement/obedience) and then being all hard done by.

@beautyisthefaceisee Yes, I have something to say. Your misogynistic views are not welcome here, but (unfortunately) you won't have to search hard to find an Incel forum to join. I suggest you try there.

OP the week away sounds a really good plan for you and your kids. And your Mum will have a break too.

Make sure you take copies/photos of all important docs, bank acct numbers etc before you go, in case he starts hiding stuff while you are away.

Have a good time with your friend x

He smashed the house because he can't control himself.

They control themselves when it suits them. Abusive men are abusive because it serves them, to exert control over their victims. The actions are deliberate.

Yes, that's what the puppy eyes are for. Any personal tragedy will be brought up at this point. They're tragic, flawed heroes, burdened by a terrible past. If only you would behave yourself, they wouldn't be nasty. They'd be so loving. It's all your fault. All your responsibility.

They don't do it consciously. They do truly believe that they're the good guys. But do good guys do this?

Exactly this. It isn't losing control. It's a deliberately tactic to scare and intimidate you.

They want you to think thry are losing control. So that you tiptoe round them in future, sacred that a toe out of line will cause them to lose their shit.

But it's actually a con. As pp said, they control themselves fine when it suits them.