DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

You really think that type of man will be 'willing to listen'?

To listen and take on board OP's points, he'd have to undergo a complete character shift, change his entire outlook and undo 20 years of conditioning. He'd also have to find some way of making up to OP for threatening her and swinging something at her head.

I think this is unlikely to happen, in much the same way I think it's unlikely that I'm going to need my winter coat and woolly hat over the next day and a half.

Oh OP, your poor children.

What a horrific childhood.

Try and understand what 20 years of that bullying thug has done to them.

Watching you walking on eggshells.

He is utter scum.

Your poor children will likely have mental health issues, anxiety, depression as adults as they try to process the misery and stress of you staying with a man like this.

They will more likely be abusive themselves in future relationships.

Please ring Women's aid.

If you and your mother reported him, you could have him removed from the home.

Please think of your children.

I honestly cannot understand how women remain in a house like that where children are subjected to such abuse.

Please start thinking what this must be like for those poor boys.

I couldn't believe you posted like that to the OP, beautyisthefaceisee. You know that you upset her yesterday and today you decide to pop back to be goady and obnoxious to her. You're presumably not in OP's situation? I'm fortunately not either but she definitely is. Deeply, deeply enmeshed and it's not going to be the work of minutes to unravel those years of abuse.

Everybody on the thread has said to the OP that she's being abused, there's no mixed message here. Your posts, in context, are nasty. Either you are not a good person or you are being deliberately needling and/or very stupid.

Posters are now posting to you to pull you up on your posts and rightly so. OP most likely won't get an apology from you but you could do her a big favour and keep your delighted malice to yourself now.

Don't speak to me like that. What i say to the OP has nothing to do with you.
I dont think she owes me anything. but I do think if people (not necessarily just me) are going to give time and advice, many of whom have been through it themselves, it would be beneficial to not attack them. But again, it's fuck all to do with you, so keep your attacks to yourself.
@ReneBumsWombats "that one elsewhere" Yes, I'm allowed on other threads, despite you and your playground pals saying otherwise. Ps, your pod chat is absolutely pathetic and I'm embarassed for you every time you write it and think yourself clever.

This has got to be one of the most infantile and embarrassing posts ever! You sound like a child in the playground, are you going to tell teacher what was said to you?

Honestly @beautyisthefaceisee either name change or leave, no one wants to be associated with that post.

I can imagine this is very hard but if you keep reminding yourself of your childrens upset yesterday, how frightened and upset they were and still must be, perhaps it might help give you the strength to do the right thing.

Please call Womens aid today for support.

OP - please ignore the sanctimonious and condescending attitude from @beautyisthefaceisee, they have been nothing but unpleasant and patronising and I hope their attitude doesn't stop you returning to this thread! I understand you must have had a really difficult time but this thread will offer support to help you!

If he kicks off again, call the police. No ifs, no buts. Ring them and get him removed. Nobody should be treating you like this.

billy1966 makes a really good point and it reminded me of something that I was told as an adult, about my thinking as a child. Your children have child brains, not developed and not able to think and perceive situations as adults can. Because of this, it's difficult for a parent to understand the real impact of abuse and children are not always able to articulate it.

You worry for them, OP. They must be desperately worried for you also, as well as for themselves and their security. That needs addressing as urgently as you can manage it.

Your husband can seek help for himself - or not - as he chooses. He's an adult and he's the one being abusive. He is not at risk of abuse himself so you can let him sort himself out. You and your children are at risk and you need to be made safe; that cannot be with your husband, not now.

Is there anywhere that you and your children could go to stay for a few days whilst you come to terms with this situation? Ideally your husband would leave (for a long while) but assuming that he won't, the ball is in your court, not his.

Are you able to access support whilst you give yourself some thinking time, OP? While you decide what your next steps are going to be - and when?

I'm really sorry that you're going through this. Staying in the situation is a million times harder than leaving it and being alone with your children. It might feel easier/better to stay but the reality is that if you do stay, your children are going to be hugely affected and the ramifications of that may not be apparent until later. Please advocate for your children - and for yourself. You are their everything.

@Whiskeypowers and @Nanny0gg

I actually 'hope' OP is planning for the worst i.e. an escape plan with her DC and DM

OP has had an appalling 72 hours. The scales are slowly falling from her eyes that she has been in an abusive relationship for 20 years. The fact she has taken a small constructive step forward by writing what she wants to say down so he can't manipulate her words or gaslight her truth should be encouraged.

It's going to take her some time to get her head around this and for her to decide what she'd like to do next.

That’s an excellent idea. Stick to what you want to say. It is time for him to listen.
Some of the things you’ve written in your posts have really worried me, his explosive temper, how you say you know when to back off, and that he’s a perfectionist. They’re really not a good combination of features and I’d think you’ve been walking on eggshells since his first outburst. Although you don’t want to think of it, a person like this is capable of violence and so many women ( and children) have died as the temper explosion resulted in the person using hands or a weapon ( anything heavy, a kitchen knife) It’s scary and horrible to think about but it is always a possibility.
I hope things go well for you and your children, and your mum.

It is time for him to listen

Hmm, as PPs have said, OP needs to tread extremely carefully here and take the advice of Women's Aid. A violent narcissistic personality doesn't generally react well when called out. They can help her formulate the best next steps to keep herself, and her family, safe.

He has said his apologies in the past and escalated to this, in a background behaviour designed to control or risk violent outbursts (which smashing things up are). I wouldn’t even want to hear an apology. I would be worried about confronting him and getting professional advice about that, as others have said.

Hate to think about you pretending to sleep this morning, let us know how you are when you can

I like to think I would’ve called the police as soon as he drove off drunk to the house, but after this kind of suffocating life and self regulating to maintain the status quo, I can see why you wouldn’t.

So not only is he a bully who likes to get his own way but he also threatens you and your Mum with violence if you don't tow the line. What sounds like another threat is when he told you 'I've made my point clear now I hope'. That was chilling to read.
He is also a LIAR as when your friends at the wedding asked where you were he obviously told them you were ill. Obviously he never told them the truth as to why you did not attend the wedding with him as he knows full well your friends would of been appalled at his behaviour!!!!!!!
I really hope you have now realised that this is not normal and you find a way to go forward with yourself, your Mum and children. You will all breathe a sigh of relief once you are not walking on eggshells around him and monitoring his moods so he doesn't kick off.

I didn't realise men had the monopoly on words along with all the ridiculous other scenarios made up by feminists.

She wasn't respectful or reasonable. Whether I'm a man or a green canary doesn't change that. I actually said it in context of I was glad she'd stopped going for posters that genuinely wanted to help her while defending her abusive husband, which apparently is the most unreasonable viewpoint ever and has been worthy of being told to "fuck off".

Agreed. I'm not sure I'd be discussing anything without a third person, given the chilling line about "making his point".

And DH will have the leverage that hes being so reasonable allowing her to speak to him after she was so (not ) bad to him.

Oh, pod off.

"Honestly @beautyisthefaceisee either name change or leave, no one wants to be associated with that post."

No, I won't, and I do, I own it. anything else to say?

😂

@ReneBumsWombats at least "bots" made sense.

I see you've still got nothing better to do than wade in on conversations with other posters and write embarassing nonsense.

As you can see, OP, there's a very clear consensus on here about beauty, and that's even before he decided that everyone who told him to pod off must be a FEMINIST (dun dun DUUUUUUN). Nothing sexier than an insecure, uptight pod, hm? Except maybe your husband.

I hope that's enough for you to be able to dismiss him entirely and just focus on the support you're getting otherwise from the thread.

This isn't why he smashed the house. OP. He smashed the house because he can't control himself.

To the contrary he can control himself very well.

He wouldnt smash up a house if the police were there, he would take smash up his workplace, I bet he never crashes anything valuable to him.

Smashing things up is a dominance, threat type behaviour.

"I'm the male, I'm in charge, this is what I'm physically capable of doing, submit or I'll change from smashing objects to people. I run the show, you subordinates have acted like you run the show making decisions without my say so, doing what you like in my territory, going behind my back .... I'll show you what happens when you do that".

Thats not out of control its calculated behaviour, he's let's himself go ape.

You won't change someone with the mentality and values like this

OP The thing with abuse is whether it is emotional, financial etc people aren’t aware or realise it’s abuse because it’s not violence. I think deep down you know what people are saying to be true that’s why u didn’t say to him about brother and sister in law going over there as you knew he was gonna kick off . As you say u wasn’t at home he wasn’t gonna see her and it’s your mums home as well. The way he reacted isn’t normal .

My brother is exactly like this and I lived with it for 19 years from a child and this has really affected me as a adult. If anyone said anything about him I would have reacted like you , he has a good heart he’s a lovely person because he was so good at making it look like he wasn’t in the wrong .it wasn’t u til 3 years ago I saw what he was doing and I realise he is toxic as fuck and we don’t have a relationship now and I certainly won’t have my children be around him. You will start noticing things but it won’t be until you see it and your ready to leave that you will . I think maybe speak with a womens aid or another helpline , you don’t need to take their advice but it wouldn’t hurt to speak with someone . You don’t have to walk on eggshells around someone in case they snap it’s not normal behaviour . Sitting down talking with him and saying what you want to say won’t change anything , he isn’t going to change . Good luck OP