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Original poster

DH flipped. Feel broken

733 replies

Mamato3boysand2dogs · 17/07/2022 11:35

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

OP posts:
billy1966 · 18/07/2022 18:54

OP,

You know you could call 101 and log what happened and have a marker put on your address.

Your children and yourself are all victims of domestic abuse.

You undoubtedly have traumatised children who may well judge you very harshly forvyour decision to walk on eggshells rather than protecting them.

Many is the poster on MN that is no contact with their mothers because of her choices.

Your children will never forget what they witnessed yesterday, it will remain with them for the rest of their days.

They will very likely grow to resent that you didn't protect them from this awful environment.

You also never know when they will tell someone exactly the type of violent home they come from.

You should absolutely be telling your GP about your children and what they have witnessed and see if counselling for them is a possibility.

I mean this kindly but you have failed your children by allowing them to be around such a man.

They deserve better.
So do you.

Peachy66 · 18/07/2022 19:21

So he's now playing the part of a Victim!!!!!! Still blaming everyone else for his vile mouth and temper. Will he be saying Sorry next time he explodes or sorry for harming you or your mum????? There will definitely be a next time, especially if someone stands up to him and his holier than thou views. The only way you will have peace and harmony in your home is if you, your mum and children follow his rules and do exactly what he wants you all to do, at all times. This is no type of life for any of you. He has conditioned you over the years to follow his rules and what he wants. He keeps you in line with intimidation and fear. Please don't let him do the same to your mum.

Staffy1 · 18/07/2022 19:24

LurpakAspirations · 18/07/2022 17:57

@beautyisthefaceisee Yes, I have something to say. Your misogynistic views are not welcome here, but (unfortunately) you won't have to search hard to find an Incel forum to join. I suggest you try there.

I’m not sure this person is a man judging by past posts.

Clymene · 18/07/2022 19:47

I find it's much more useful to judge someone by the way they post rather than what they post @Staffy1 - language and the way they interact with other posters is often very revealing

pointythings · 18/07/2022 19:56

And of course it is perfectly possible for women to be misogynists too.

Cj19877 · 18/07/2022 21:14

billy1966 · 18/07/2022 18:54

OP,

You know you could call 101 and log what happened and have a marker put on your address.

Your children and yourself are all victims of domestic abuse.

You undoubtedly have traumatised children who may well judge you very harshly forvyour decision to walk on eggshells rather than protecting them.

Many is the poster on MN that is no contact with their mothers because of her choices.

Your children will never forget what they witnessed yesterday, it will remain with them for the rest of their days.

They will very likely grow to resent that you didn't protect them from this awful environment.

You also never know when they will tell someone exactly the type of violent home they come from.

You should absolutely be telling your GP about your children and what they have witnessed and see if counselling for them is a possibility.

I mean this kindly but you have failed your children by allowing them to be around such a man.

They deserve better.
So do you.

I would double check this first before doing this. I tried to do exactly this and then had to beg the police not to arrest him as it would have further compromised our safety. I've always been a supporter of the police, but I've never felt so disappointed 😞.

ChinnyTroubles · 18/07/2022 21:55

pointythings · 18/07/2022 19:56

And of course it is perfectly possible for women to be misogynists too.

True. The amount of women calling others "Karen" for daring to have an opinion shows misogyny is rife in both sexes.

ReneBumsWombats · 18/07/2022 22:03

Women can absolutely be misogynistic, of course. But it's usually some variation of "I'm not like other girls", to try to avoid being hit with it themselves, while not actually inviting it by challenging it.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 18/07/2022 22:20

ChinnyTroubles · 18/07/2022 21:55

True. The amount of women calling others "Karen" for daring to have an opinion shows misogyny is rife in both sexes.

Show quote history

That Karen thing is totally pathetic.

libbyamelia · 18/07/2022 22:30

Like f**k is he a lovely bloke. I don’t mean to be unkind but you need to open your eyes.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/07/2022 06:59

It further occurs to me that he wasn't angry because he feels his SIL did something wrong and was "rewarded" for it, or at least not sufficiently "punished". He was angry because he was "disrespected". It was nothing to do with any righteous protective feelings towards his brother, it was all about his own ego.

Such is the way with angry men who lose their shit like that. They cloak it in righteousness but actually, it's ALL about them and their egos. And since they and their egos are the most important thing of all, that's why they get so explosively, uncontrollably full of rage.

It's nothing to do with love or care for others. It is 10000% about them.

watchagunado · 19/07/2022 08:49

Op sadly I think he's been having an affair with your sil

riserved · 19/07/2022 09:48

Some threads scream 'affair', this one doesn't.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/07/2022 09:58

I don't see any reason to suspect am affair. Just a guy who's quick to go to extremes over someone's bad behaviour. Partly to draw attention from his own, partly to use as a cover for his own egotism and partly to give him an excuse to be an abusive shit.

billy1966 · 19/07/2022 10:29

The suggestion of an affair is white noise and a distraction.

This abusive thug is a terrorist in the home, even a 70 year old woman isn't safe from him.

He is utter scum.

Original poster
Mamato3boysand2dogs · 19/07/2022 10:32

@ReneBumsWombats

You're spot on with your analysis of him.

Today, i am just furious. Not really sad, just so angry. He has been moping around. Puppy eyes. Saying sorry to everyone. Being overly nice. Its washing over me and means nothing. The kids have said dad is "weird". My eldest is furious, speechless. DH is very aware he had gone too far this time.

He said he was so shocked i didn't come to the wedding and that i was OK with him being in a hotel on his own! Occured to me then that i always go running to him. He expected that this time. Despite what he did. Im so glad i didn't go. Like i give a fuck what he does

Full of love for you all on here. I wish i could hug you all. X

OP posts:
Fairislefandango · 19/07/2022 10:51

He said he was so shocked i didn't come to the wedding and that i was OK with him being in a hotel on his own!

Wow. He really has become accustomed to everyone dancing to his tune, hasn't he? Presumably it's not that he actually has any problem with the idea of being in a hotel room on his own. He just has a problem with the fact that you had no problem with the idea of not attending him and doing what he expected of you.

StationaryMagpie · 19/07/2022 10:53

just be careful, if he follows routine, when appeasement/apologies doesn't work, he will flip back to angry/nasty again.

take care op.

ReneBumsWombats · 19/07/2022 11:03

StationaryMagpie · 19/07/2022 10:53

just be careful, if he follows routine, when appeasement/apologies doesn't work, he will flip back to angry/nasty again.

take care op.

Yes. The sadface/puppy eyes/guilt trip is designed to make out that he's a victim of circumstance and oh so wonderful really. If you don't buy that story, they go right back to anger. Or they might laugh and say you're crazy. Or start cold shouldering you. Anything but the only decent thing, which is to seriously consider that they might in fact be the bad guy, and be bothered by this, and take steps to change THEMSELVES for the better rather than attempting to force compliance on everyone else.

Sickoffamilydrama · 19/07/2022 11:14

My DF smashed up or house once I still remember it 30 odd years later. Your children will have been frightened that he was going to hurt their grandmother or them, I can remember for months worrying about coming home and finding my DM dead.

You sound like you do everything anyway so being safe and away from him not walking on egg shells will actually be easier.

diddl · 19/07/2022 11:22

I wonder what he thought would happen to him alone in a hotel!

Presumably he's hinting that you shouldn't trust him??

But of course that would be the fault of the woman who threw herself at him & it would be rude to refuse?

Glad (iyswim) that you are getting angry.

If you start falling for any "niceness"-think of your kids & what it is doing to them.

catfunk · 19/07/2022 11:30

The 'disrespected' comment would be the end of it for me.

Ourlady · 19/07/2022 11:32

The fact that it is now clearly having a big impact on your children should give you all the determination to leave. He doesn’t deserve any of you!

GCAcademic · 19/07/2022 11:38

catfunk · 19/07/2022 11:30

The 'disrespected' comment would be the end of it for me.

Hard agree. There’s a certain kind of person who loudly demands respect, and they are always the kind of person best given a very wide berth, both for one’s sanity and safety.

Clymene · 19/07/2022 11:46

I'm glad you're angry but yes, please be careful. When his wheedling doesn't work, he'll switch back to rage because you're disrespecting him again

Agree 100% with @ReneBumsWombats analysis - it is absolutely about his fragile ego

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