DH flipped. Feel broken

[Mamato3boysand2dogs]

Hello I'm new here, i have had a terrible 24 hrs with DH and no one to talk to. I feel so ill and so upset i dont know what to do with my self.

DH does not get on with my brothers wife. To be fair it is her own fault, she has been an idiot in the past and i dont speak to her either.

Me and DH and 3 kids went to a party yesterday and planned to stay overnight in a hotel. My mum lives with us and asked if she could invite my brother and wife to the house for lunch, seeing as we were away. I wasn't over the moon but begrudgingly agreed to keep the peace, thinking as we weren't home, DH didn't have to see her, no harm done. DH has explicitly said he never wants her here but as we were not physically home i figured it would be ok and didnt mention to DH

Well, Ring Doorbell fucked me. He saw her. He was drunk so he exploded at me. Calling me a cunt etc, kids all there with us, threatened to punch me in the face. I told him to go ahead so he swung a bag of wet towels at my head. He missed. He then called my brother and screamed at him then stormed off leaving me and the kids. Remote location so no uber would come. We walked 1.5 miles to the nearest town, kids crying, me trying to play it down. I thought he went to the hotel but he had gone home.

I collected my car and started to drive home. He wouldn't answer any calls or messages. Trying to drive calmly while kids are getting more and more upset (10 and 13). My eldest got a cab separately.

My mum calls mid journey to say DH got home and they had a big row. He threatened to hit her, called her a cunt, put his hand through our glass kitchen door, threw a chair, generally went mad. Mum quietly cleaned it all up as he stormed upstairs to bed

I arrived home, mum was crying and shaken up, saying sorry for inviting DH wife over
Shes nearly 70 years old.

DH in bed. I tried to say sorry but he wouldn't let me in the bedroom. locked the door. We had a wedding today so i text him what are the plans? He said he was gonna go, but not me.

This morning we talked. He is still angry and called my mum a fat cunt when i told him she said he threatened to hit her. I asked him "did you?" He said yes, because she was getting "loud" at him.

Children this morning still upset. They missed out on the hotel stay too, which they had been very excited about.

When the time came to get ready for the wedding, DH said "are you coming or not?". I said no. He then basically begged me, 4 or 5 times, saying he wants me there and he will have to sit at dinner alone

I said no. My eyes are swollen from crying, no sleep, i look like shit. Kids are unsettled and i thought it unfair to swan off to a wedding and enjoy a hotel stay when they have been denied the same and made to cry into the bargain

DH is extremely annoyed and has gone, alone

Together 20 years. He is actually a lovely bloke and this is out of character but i cant see how to forgive and forget. I'm so upset, for the kids, for mum, for everyone involved. All my fault though apparently for inviting her to the house when i know how he feels about her. I just thought as we were not there, it would be ok. What did i do??

The calling me a cunt, threatening to punch me in the face, abandoning me in the middle of nowhere with 3 kids, threatening my mother and then smashing up the house would be the end or it for me. I'd love to know what his background is, what his parents' relationship is like for him to think all that was a proportionate response to feeling "disrespected".

OP, as others have referenced there is a script for abusive men.

Feeling all sorry when they realise they have gone too far and their victims are waking up.

Then getting increasingly nasty as you don't accept that they are regretful that YOu caused them to be so badly behaved, yet won't move on from it.

He is a truly awful man.

Your eldest is how old?

15-18 ....... his whole life in an abusive environment with that pig.

That poor boy will carry this always, be damaged in any relationship he has, will likely inflict his trauma on the next generation of children.

I am saying this kindly, not to hurt you, but to try and fully wake you up to the huge colateral damage that your sons will carry for the rest of their days.

They are huge victims of the choice you made to walk on eggshells.
They too walk on eggshells.
Well aware of the dynamic that surrounds them.

I can guarantee you will look back on your life with enormous regret that you didn't keep your children safe and protect them from him.

Your sons fury and speechlessness are signs of a rage that will eventually lead him to depression and MH issues.

He has had a life time of this awful mans behaviour and his utter helplessness as a child having to endure this.

Stop thinking about today and stop thinking about this awful man.

Start reflecting on the utter shit show of damage that has been done to your boys by this man and how the hell you are going to reconcile it with the choices you have made.

You know well he is a nasty abusive bully that has controlled your home for all of your marriage.

Your poor children the damaged broken result.

Start thinking of what you are going to say to them when they ask you why you didn't do more to keep them safe?

Why you chose to walk on eggshells, rather than keeping them safe?

Forget about this awful man, think of your boys.
Be angry for your boys who deserve so much better than this shit show.

I really wish you strength to get him out of your home, involving the police if necessary.
You have enough witnesses to do this.

You have protected him ahead of your children for long enough.

will likely inflict his trauma on the next generation of children

I think this is too far and completely unnecessary. If you've read all of OP's posts you'll know that she's not taking anything lightly and is carefully planning her next moves.

for long enough

It's up to OP to decide when she acts.

Inter generational trauma is a thing.

How often do we have threads from posters trying to navigate relationships with men from abusive homes.

The reality of a traumatic childhood is messy, ugly and long reaching.

You may not like the truth of this, but it is the reality.

Too often on threads about violent abusive men, we fixsate on trying to understand their psych as if they can be fixed, after 20+ years of awful behaviour.

Who cares.

The focus needs to be on the children that are powerless and at the mercy of these awful men, and the truly terrible price they pay in adulthood.

It ISN'T too much it's cold hard fact. Virtually every person who is in prison or who has major MH issues has a common factor, an awful childhood. It does affect children and it's not far fetched to say that this will damage them especially if action isn't taken to protect them from it. They absolutely should be the priority in this. They have no personal responsibility for it and their brains are still developing and this will very much shape the adults they become.

Love seeing women kick other women when they're down.

His ego and violence will kick off when he realises the puppy dog eyes aren't working.

Stay safe, OP.

Please call women's aid or another organisation for support.

Too often on threads about violent abusive men, we fixate on trying to understand their psych as if they can be fixed, after 20+ years of awful behaviour.

Who cares.

Totally agree with this bit. It's astonishing and frustrating to see women tying themselves in knots trying to 'understand why he behaves like that'. Because he is a) an arsehole and/or b) an irreversibly damaged person. He's not some intriguing puzzle to solve.

Anyway... the best thing you can do for your kids, OP, is show them how we should deal with people who mistreat us and our loved ones. You must come out of this as the person who protected them. And who demonstrated that abuse will not be tolerated.

Came back in here to see how you're doing. I'm relieved that you've told him you need to be apart. As others have said, you could turn nasty, so stay safe.

billy1966 - Of course I am not denying that intergenerational trauma exists, I'm not ignorant.

However by your language you were presenting this already as a foregone conclusion, as if the damage has already and definitely been done in order to try to (in your own words) "fully wake [OP] up"

OP has stated over and over again now that she sees it, she recognises it, that she's doing something about it.

There is no need for posters to keep banging on about the damage that has been done, in order to try to make her feel even worse.

I would strongly advise against attempting to manipulate an abuse survivor's emotions, no matter how well-meaning.

@ThreeLittleDots because statistics tell us that children of both sexes raised in these environments, ARE terribly damaged by it.

Ignoring it as being an unpleasant fact to gloss over doesn't change it.

The OP has been very honest, her children are desperately upset by what they have witnessed.

I am putting in context, the sad reality of children raised in this environment.

She is 20 years walking on eggshells and trying to manage him.

Are you really so naive as to imagine that her children are not fully aware of EXACTLY how much humouring their Mum does to keep him from exploding?

Her son is speechless with fury.

The OP is very upset to see just how upset her children are.

How much upset does she not see?.
How much of it is internalised?

Her eldest speechless with fury is an indicator of a young man in huge distress.

I chose in MY post to spell it out for her.

I think she thinks she has been protecting her children, but she has not.

Lest she go down the rabbit hole of trying to figure out and "understand" the thug she is married to, I am suggesting she avert her gaze and thoughts to the three distressed boys who will NEVER forget what they have witnessed.

How many posters regret not leaving sooner when they see the damage done to their children present itself in adulthood.

The sooner the OP sees her boys distress clearly, the better for them and her.

I do agree that it isn't worth trying to understand him, except to see why it isn't possible to fix him. Men like this have to fix themselves and they almost never do. They haven't the humility, emotional intelligence or strength of character.

What matters is working out what to do going forward and that means keeping the kids and herself safe - which they never will be around this thug - and not rewarding his foul behaviour. At the very least I'd say that's the end of tickling and humouring, and if he can't be a man for his family then he doesn't deserve to have one.

.......and one final thing that I have noticed from posters, is how often they mention that it was only when they fully realised the impact on their children did they find the courage to leave these men.

I'm really hoping for the OP, that through her upset and tears, the penny drops.

billy1966 - yes I know your language is alarmist as to highlight the very real and established dangers of minimising abusive behaviour, but OP already recognises this. This has all been said by others in this thread (myself included) and she's acting on it.

At no point have I said anything like OP needs to understand or work with her abuser. But posters trying to panic her into making her next move immediately - for many reasons this may not be the safest move just yet.

WTF have I just read. OP you are delusional. Im flabbergasted

@UnshakenNeedsStirring

Why am i delusional? Explain your bold statement please?

You seem to be implying that everyone who grows up in an abusive home will go on to abuse the next generation @billy1966. I'm hoping I've misunderstood and that when you talk about the next generation, you mean the OP's children, not her future grandchildren.

Have you read all the OP's posts or just the first one?

I couldn't go on after you said you tickled him to sleep! Jeez

What I am saying is that children that are reared in abusive homes, IMO, NEVER walk away unscathed.

I am also saying that intergenerational abuse is a very real thing.

I am also saying that IF you have been reared in a home where abuse is rampant, anger and MH issues like depression are very likely.

Am I saying that every single person that is reared in that environment abuses?

Absolutely not.

But I am saying that for children that are raised in this environment, issues arising are more likely.

A huge amount of these issues come from plain unresolved anger.

The OP has described a truly dreadful scene which her boys fully witnessed.

I am saying that children do not walk away from those scenes unmarked.

What example do you really think of fatherhood/ husband do we really imagine this has modelled?

He threatened a 70 year old woman.

Why would her son be speechless with fury if he wasn't distressed.

She spend the journey home trying to keep it together for her distressed younger two.

This is not a man that any woman should want around her children.

God OP that sounds shocking and traumatic. I'm glad you're finding your anger. Realistically he needs to go, he's treaded so far over the line there's no coming back from this. His treatment of your mother alone would have ended it for me. But obviously you deserve and your children deserve so much better too.

I'm sorry you experienced that, I hope you get the support you deserve

@billy1966 OK, give it a rest now though? You've made your point.

I think that UnshakenNeedsStirring was ott with their language and that the post was not helpful, but I think you are getting extreme reactions because you are minimising his behaviour and how you placate him. Which is how a person who lives in an abusive relationship reacts.

You take on far too much to keep things as smoothed over as possible, and it's only (usually) when you are out of the other side that you start to question why you did the things you did, or why you couldn't see it.

So yes, there's no need for name calling or being hurtful, but see those posts as reactions, rather than spiteful (even if thats whats been intended). Which are basically shock at what you live with. I dont think that means you are doing anything wrong, just that you've been slowly boiled by a man who should treat you/his family a lot better.

Men like this have to fix themselves and they almost never do. They haven't the humility, emotional intelligence or strength of character.

They also don't change because the behaviour serves them, so they don't have any reason to change. If they use one source of supply of attention etc, usually they can just move on to another one eventually.

You are doing great OP, ignore the critics, get your DC away as planned and work on your next move.