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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's 'friendship' with work colleague - am i naive????

265 replies

naivemum · 17/01/2008 19:54

I almost just need to write this down to get it clear in my head... I don't know if i have created this situation in my head, or if I should really be worried.
I had a a bit of a bad feeling over the last couple of months, when a particular woman at dh's work kept getting mentioned and he kept getting text from her (i should point out that most of the information i have is from checking his phone - yes i know....i should trust him etc etc). Just before xmas he went on his xmas do and got back in the early hours, a bit worse for wear, the next day I asked him about it and he said he'd been doing tequila slammers, i asked 'who with' he said this woman.. so he didn't hide anything, so i thought nothing to hide. The texts continued, but i saw nothign incrminating. then a week later I checked his phone and read some texts and it turned out she'd phoned him after midnight, after i'd gone to bed, the texts mentioned about 'being quiet' . I brought it up the next day and pretended that i'd heard him on the phone. He admitted he was on the phone to her and said she was at a pub quiz and had called him because she thought he might know the answer - he said. I just didn't buy it and asked what was going on and his reaction was to treat me as if I was almost mad! He also said to me that she was very much 'one of the lads' and i had nothing to worry about. My point was that I don't have any friends that i would feel comfortable calling after midnight apart from him - my husband, and that just isn't normal for a work colleagur to call like that. I sulked about it for a couple of days, but as it turned out we were invited to a new years party where she was going to be there, so I met her and she is nothing special, and for want of a better word and not wanting to sound snobby (i'm not!) a bit common! I did speak to her and she was nice enough,and she has a boyfriend who was there. but it is still niggling at me, I have found out since that DH got a picture printed for her as a gift, and last night he went out to see a client and I looked at his phone, he'd called her within 20 minutes of leaving the house, and they are texting almost every night.
DH is a generous person, he is not a dick, he has always had female friends, but to me, this is just too much, he works closley with her, but..i don't know it just doesn't feel right. I am sorry to have gone on, I almost needed to see it all in black and white, almost think that from checking his phone i have let me imagination run away, but then pat of me is asking am I just being naive? I don't know, If anyone can make sense of all this rambling I would be grateful.
I should point out i haven't seen anything that i could accuse him of,just lots of XXX at the end of them, which I know everyone does don't they??

OP posts:
PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 16:53

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peasoup · 25/01/2008 16:55

We're NOT saying he's really up to something!!! We're SAYING his wife feels uncomfortable about his friendship with this woman and he should be wlling to sacrifice some things (the friendship) for his wife's happiness. If my DH was very nervous and scared of dogs I would not force him to live with a dog in the house even though I like them and it would give me lots of joy to own a dog. Why would I want to do something like that if it meant my DH went around feeling sacred and nervous?! (wierd analogy I know, but I hope it gets the point accross- there are lots of things we like and value but we jetison some if they offend and upset the people we love; that is if we do treuley love them)

PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 16:58

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postingatlast · 25/01/2008 16:59

AllFallDown says "But if he is not, I think he needs to show some willing here. He needs to take OP's concerns seriously and commit to the relationship. He needs to let her know she is his partner, no one else."

and even the OP has admitted that he has shown commitment. Look at the way he has been since they learnt of the miscarriage. I very much echo what AllFallDown says, we have to stop winding the OP up by saying there must be something going on.

I am also glad that those of you who are so quick to criticise AllFallDown for "being insensitive to his wife" clearly are paragons of virtue who have never encountered a situation in your own relationships where things get interpreted and misinterpreted in your own behaviour and you have had to work had to explain where you were coming from. It doesn't even have to be related to someone else. None of us can claim to never have been in situations where our DPs have felt uncomfortable with something we have done and that we have had to find ways through these situations. It's too easy to make judgements about people and their relationships on these boards...

peasoup · 25/01/2008 17:00

"tense for a long, long time", "felt excluded", "still prefer if I were not friends with this woman". These are the things you've told us your wife feels because of this frendship you have; I hope it's worth it.

CountessDracula · 25/01/2008 17:01

Maybe you could start another thread to debate this, it isn't really helping the OP all this sniping is it?

AllFallDown · 25/01/2008 17:02

oh, this is why i never bothered posting before. thanks peasoup. you're a diamond.

PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 17:03

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PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 17:04

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postingatlast · 25/01/2008 17:04

and in one simple sentence, I think PeterDuck has given the best advice yet. Maybe the OP does need to take on trust what her DH says to her, while keeping her eyes and ears subtly out. Hey, we all do that, even those of us who do not have concerns about what are partners are up to.

And if the OP really cannot trust what her DH says, that in itself is an issue which needs to be addressed. What has he done so that she doesn't trust him? Is there something in herself which makes it difficult for her to trust him?

That is what I was saying earlier on too. Either way, whatever he is doing, there is a bigger picture of why it is having an impact in their relationship and I think that is what they need to work on. It may answer a lot of the questions...

PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 17:05

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postingatlast · 25/01/2008 17:08

It's not bolshy, PeterDuck, it is a personal view which works for you. There are lots of things my DW does which I would rather she doesn't. Completely unrelated to being friends with other men. But we talk things through and, where possible, try not to clip each other's wings. Because a happy, empowered and flourishing partner is going to contribute to a happy, empowered and flourishing relationship.

AllFallDown - don't take it personally. I try to be as balanced as possible here but some posters just don't seem willing to accept a man's point of view without depicting him as a liar, a thief and a cheat. Your honest posts are, IMHO, extremely welcome here.

AllFallDown · 25/01/2008 17:10

The nature of my job means that I quite often get roundly abused on public messageboards by people who've never so much as spoken to me. I have a low tolerance for it these days. The novelty of people telling me how atrocious my judgment is has long since worn off.

warthog · 25/01/2008 17:14

you can't say what's ok in one marriage is ok in another. ultimately it'd down to trust and instinct.

peasoup · 25/01/2008 17:14

It's like the chicken and the egg- which comes first? i think she needs the reassurance that her DH would be willing to end the freindship if it made her feel uneasy before she can feel at ease about letting him continue the friendship! Didn't mean to be too harsh, All Fall Down, just annoyed me that you'd let your wife feel bad and uneasy. I'm all for freedom in a relationship but I guess that's because I've never felt nervous about anything my DH gets up to (except his driving) but if I did feel uneasy about a friendship he had with a woman I would hope he would do me the courtesy of doing whatver it took to reassure me (yes, that might mean ending the friendship).

PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 17:15

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postingatlast · 25/01/2008 17:17

yes Warthog, clunk!

warthog · 25/01/2008 17:17

gosh

BrownSuga · 25/01/2008 17:19

I have loads of male friends, some very close to. I wouldn't in a million years be texting/calling the married/partnered up ones late at night or often, as I know how jealous women can be (i'm a prime example).

When I met DH it seemed all my friends were male, but they were all single as well. DH was a bit about it all, but we all started hanging out together, he become friends with them too, and can see for himself that while they're my mates there was/is absolutely nothing going on (even after one admitted he'd wanted to ask me out), and he can trust me to go out with them alone, just as I can trust him to go out with them alone. If he had female friends, I'd want to meet them and go out with them as a couple as well.

I think that in itself is telling. I'm happy for DH to meet and be friends with my friends as is he, is your DH willing to do the same?

BrownSuga · 25/01/2008 17:20

Forgot to add... but if he was or about any of those friendships, they'd have to go.

peasoup · 25/01/2008 17:21

Exactly BrownSuga, Nail, Head, HIt!!

PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 17:22

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PeterDuck · 25/01/2008 17:27

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AllFallDown · 25/01/2008 17:33

peasoup ... the point I was trying to make originally was that I was aware of my wife's feelings and made sure to address them and reassure her. Our marriage is very strong. When I say she'd probably prefer it if I weren't still friends ... I explicitly asked my wife some time ago if she would like me to end the friendship - not something I wanted to do - but she decided that no, she didn't want to go that far. But I'm not fool enough to think that she is completely without discomfort. But she loves me and trusts me as I love and trust her.

AllFallDown · 25/01/2008 17:34

PS should have been "not something I wanted to do, but would have done"

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