DH's 'friendship' with work colleague - am i naive????

[naivemum]

I almost just need to write this down to get it clear in my head... I don't know if i have created this situation in my head, or if I should really be worried.
I had a a bit of a bad feeling over the last couple of months, when a particular woman at dh's work kept getting mentioned and he kept getting text from her (i should point out that most of the information i have is from checking his phone - yes i know....i should trust him etc etc). Just before xmas he went on his xmas do and got back in the early hours, a bit worse for wear, the next day I asked him about it and he said he'd been doing tequila slammers, i asked 'who with' he said this woman.. so he didn't hide anything, so i thought nothing to hide. The texts continued, but i saw nothign incrminating. then a week later I checked his phone and read some texts and it turned out she'd phoned him after midnight, after i'd gone to bed, the texts mentioned about 'being quiet' . I brought it up the next day and pretended that i'd heard him on the phone. He admitted he was on the phone to her and said she was at a pub quiz and had called him because she thought he might know the answer - he said. I just didn't buy it and asked what was going on and his reaction was to treat me as if I was almost mad! He also said to me that she was very much 'one of the lads' and i had nothing to worry about. My point was that I don't have any friends that i would feel comfortable calling after midnight apart from him - my husband, and that just isn't normal for a work colleagur to call like that. I sulked about it for a couple of days, but as it turned out we were invited to a new years party where she was going to be there, so I met her and she is nothing special, and for want of a better word and not wanting to sound snobby (i'm not!) a bit common! I did speak to her and she was nice enough,and she has a boyfriend who was there. but it is still niggling at me, I have found out since that DH got a picture printed for her as a gift, and last night he went out to see a client and I looked at his phone, he'd called her within 20 minutes of leaving the house, and they are texting almost every night.
DH is a generous person, he is not a dick, he has always had female friends, but to me, this is just too much, he works closley with her, but..i don't know it just doesn't feel right. I am sorry to have gone on, I almost needed to see it all in black and white, almost think that from checking his phone i have let me imagination run away, but then pat of me is asking am I just being naive? I don't know, If anyone can make sense of all this rambling I would be grateful.
I should point out i haven't seen anything that i could accuse him of,just lots of XXX at the end of them, which I know everyone does don't they??

thanks for your support.
I don't have anyone in rl to talk to, i just don't feel i can, not about my relationship.
I have just spoken to him.
I said i thought you'd spoken to her, it is still going on why?she's no respect for me, if she thinks that's ok.
he agreed she shouldn't have texted so late, apparantly she was asking if he was ok, as he says he has not spoken to her at all since we argued about it last weekend.
he says i am making him feel on edge and lkie he can't be trusted and I said well I feel on edge and like my family is falling apart.
I said you have to get your priorities right, you either want a relationship with me or her.
he said that was ridiculous, she is just a friend, it shoudln't be like that.
But he then talked about us andthat we need to look at our relationship and how we spend our time together and time with our friends (I don't see much of my friends as we don't live near them - we livenear his friends). I have a few people i know from playgroup and neighbours, but not really people i can talk to and he thinks that is a problem for me as I am too reliant on him, he feels i make him feel guilty about going out to the pub etc. and i guess he's right to an extent. But i resent the fact that I don't have that freedom because I am at home with the kids.
I guess this is an underlying problem in our relationship, but it is kind of veering away from the point.
He has said again that I am blowing it out of proportion, and that she is just a friend.
he is making ME feel bad, but i just don't have the strength to argue at the moment, it's almost as if he's saying well, you pushed me that way, because I can't talk to you, so i talk to her instead.
Sorry if this doesnt make sense.

I would be so upset if after all that discussion he continued to get texts from her late at night. She is being totally insensitive and a cow as it sounds like he told her how upset you were so she is obviously aware of how it's causing trouble. She may be naive about it though, perhaps she's never been in the circumstances you find yourself in so doesn't realise the hurt. I still don't think it means they're having an affair but they are being dumb and insensitive to you. DH may be getting so defensive about it because he is innocent and is thoroughly offended that you don't trust him, but he needs to be made aware that, regardless of whether it is innocent or not, he should, if he loves you, respect the fact that it makes you feel uncomfortable and put a stop to it. Say to him that even if nothing is going on it is making you feel so uncomfortable that you want it to stop. If some bloke was laughing joking and doing tequila slammers with you till the early hours and texting you day and night and you were having long talks with him about your husband your husband would surely feel threatened and uncomfortable. Ask him how he'd feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Blokes aren't that great at imagining hoow another person might feel so force him to stop and think. I would suggest you don't do all your discussions with DH through text messages though as they are very easy to misinterpret and are a bit of a chicken way of dealing with it. There shouldn't have to be blazing rows- you feel uncomfortable about this woman's attention to your DH so he needs to put an end to it. I mean, which relationship does he value more?!! It's kind of irelevant in the argument whether they are having an affair or not (I don't think they are or they would probably not be so open about it; they would probably be hiding these texts,etc); all that should matter is that it makes you feel bad and a caring DH should respect that and knock it on the head.

I also beleive he is in demial - probably feels that her texts aren't that bad anyway . But he is worng, very wrong.

I ended up in exactly the same place as you, and when the textign didn't stop, I calmly rang her myself.

It was a scary experience and she wasn't very nice to me, but I felt I had got some control bcak adn also she had to realise teh I was a Real person...not just 'HIS WIFE' iyswim.

If you want to get cute may I recommend:

Making a note of her phone number - you neve know when you might need it.
Checking his emails - check the sent box and check teh Internet history.
Is he on Facebook -check it out anyway.

This may seem awful - but you need to get some control back ans also to reassure yoursefl about whether you can trust him or not. You wouldn't be doing this if he hadn't caused it.

Good luck

I can't believe after all that's happened she is still calling/texting late at night! It is 100% true that neither of them have any respect for you or your feelings.

And even if she continues to text him late, (if he did actually tell her to stop), he, as your husband and knowing what you've been through, as well as the miscarriage, should be going f'ing mental at her for continuing to text!

If that was me, and a male friend had caused so much upset, and then I explained the situation, asked him to stop, and he carried on.... well he wouldn't be a friend any longer!

You now have to ask yourself why the contact isn't stopping. And I'm afraid it isn't stopping because he doesn't want it to.

I'm so sorry I've been where you are now. All you can do is talk talk talk - but I'm afraid actions speak louder than words. And he needs to start to proving you where his loyalty really lies.

Naivemum. You are doing very well.
But he is an arse. Sorry, but there you have it.

He runs to the other woman and tells her about problems at home? Where is his priorities? Since when did he let himself be so close to her that he has to confide his marital problems to her when she is the reason the marital problems exist?

Friends dont need to call and text eachother all hours of the day. Lovers do. Or people who are infatuated with eacother. It is a bit sick, actually, of a grown up man to be acting like a secretive lovestruck teenager.

Tell him, you will confiscate his phone, every evening, turning it off isnt good enough. He has to stop seeing her, stop texting her, because even if it is a friendship it is not a healthy one when it threatens a marriage and the other person (that woman) is still texting to ask if he is ok, when being told his texting is a problem. Why should he not be ok?

To be honest, I would leave. Is there anywhere you can go? Your parents, while he gets his priorities straight? He does not sound like a man worth fighting for even.

Sorry, I have followed your thread but not really posted.

I actually think this is a good sign, that he is talking to you about your relationship. He's wrong to make you feel like it's your fault - he's doing that because he's on the back foot and doesn't want to take responsibility for what he's been doing - but if there are issues in your relationship, then this may help you start to deal with them and he may be starting to wake up to himself.

Again though, that does NOT make his behaviour your fault. Keep at it, say you are willing to discuss things, but you want his respect and for him to take responsibility for the fact that he has been turning to another woman - whether physically or not - and that has hurt you, his wife. You expect a full apology and for him to end it and you need support at what is a hard time for you.

Try to discuss it with him and get him to open up - is this really just friendship? Are there other friends he has secretive text with, that he texts after a row with you to reassure them? Isn't he actually flatered by this woman's attention and attracted to her? Honestly? He'll eventually have to admit he is, and you can ask him if what he really wants is an affair and an end to your marriage, because he's heading that way. Or, he can wake up, take action and focus on you and save himself from a horrible future.

QuintessentialShadow hit the nail on the head:

"He has to stop seeing her, stop texting her, because even if it is a friendship it is not a healthy one when it threatens a marriage and the other person (that woman) is still texting to ask if he is ok, when being told his texting is a problem.

Why should he not be ok? "

DO NOT CALL HER OR EMAIL HER!!!!

Seriously, you will NOT come of well, as you would be doing it in a moment of weakness, not strength.

I absolutely understand where you are coming from though....

Many years ago when I was with my ex fiance, he started getting late night phone calls (this was before mobile phones ) I knew something was up ...anyways, we were pretty much finished, but he wanted to get back together, and kept saying nothing was going on with the ow. Other people were saying different, and I was very confused. I just HAD to know. So in a moment of stupidity weakness, i went to her house to ask her. She refused to answer the door (all i did was knock) and she called the police. I was so humiliated.

I know my story is pathetic extreme, but good stuff will not happen if you pursue her when you are feeling weak.

Besides, honestly, do you really think she will tell the truth? T'would get VERY messy.

We are all here

I have made it quite clear to him that this is affecting our relationship, and he either wants to be married to me or he deosn't, to which he said how ridiculous, he couldn't even believe i was saying that, it was so blown out of proportion. He is toally in denial
he has also lied to me. he asked what i wanted him to do if she texted, i said ignore it, he then said 'i did'...well i know he didn't!!!!! I saw his replies, vague as they were. I said you are lying, he said no im not ....FFS
I have given him chance after chance to tell me the truth, I just don't know what to believe that comes out of his mouth.
I agree he's been open about what problems we have in our relationship, and maybe he wants to address them and try and move on, but as you say, how can we move on when this is comtinuing, as she is showing no respect for me at all.

Hi - I agree with QS - maybe you should give him a big wake up call and go and stay with someone for a couple of days. Maybe then he would see how serious this is.

I don't even know you but sitting here I am getting cross thinking about the brazen cheek of this woman and the naiveness of your husband for allowing it to continue!

But, he may well be worth fighting for... he may well be a nice man who is in a rut, deluded, being stupid - possibly even depressed and turning away from his relationship because he's wrongly identified that as the reason he doesn't feel great. This is what happened with my DP and 8 years later, I do think he was worth fighting for. He's a great partner and father and although I realise you can never be 100% cast-iron sure, I don't think it will happen again because he saw what a close shave he had.

BTW the OW still works at his workplace. After failing to get things off the ground with DP, she homed in on another colleague who had an affair with her and split from his wife. That made me see it was not just about my DP. Some women are predatory and do get a kick from prising a man away from his partner. Only you know if he is worth fighting for and if he is, you need to stand your ground.

Sorry I cross posted with you and snowleaopard; I've only just read that last post of your Naive Mum. He sounds like he is doing the right thing by you as in ignoring her since you told him to. At least it sounds like he respects you enough to ignore her now. It does sound sad that he has his mates and a social life and you don't- I think you really do need to work on that. It is miserable if he's having all the fun and you're not. Why can he go to the pub and you can't? Obviously not at the same time without a babysitter, but he can stay in some nights and you go out. Are your mates a long way away? Could you have some over for a weekend and DH does childcare and you go out on the razz. It really does make a differnece to your happiness levels if you get out with friends-playgroups and child care can be a little dull (I should know-it's about all I do as well, but believe me when once in a blue moon I do go out I feel SOOO invigortated and refreshed!! Luckliy for me DH doesn't have a social life either so at least I don't have to feel jealous of him, but if he was out with loads of mates all the time and I was just home with kids I would be BOILING with jealously).
And when I do get to go out, DH generally looks a little disgruntled and slightly jealous when I come back which is always a bonus! Keep them on their toes! It's hard to keep them on their toes if you're always at home where they know exactly where you are and exactly what you're (not) up to. It can be great fun to be the one rolling in from a night out when all DH has had is a night in with the DC's. Great for the boot to be on the other foot for once. It will boost your self esteem to get a social life that isn't just playgrp. There will be plenty of MUms locally gagging for a night out so try and arrange one. Every Mum is in the same boat as in not getting out to soialise much so they generally jump at the chance. Or there might be mumsnetters nearby who will take you out and give your DH something to worry about! He should stop texting this woman but you should also get yourself a social life so you don't have to feel insecure.
Where abouts are you?

come OFF well I meant!

BTW, my ex DID end up with her, they had a child together, then she chucked him and totally messed him around. Now everytime I see him (not often, as he is in canada), he apologises to me. He is still a bit miserable about it. heehee

agree with comment about some women just being predatory - totally true. If it wasn't your husband it would be someone elses she was trying to charm.

I believe he is worth fighting for.
He is the sort of person who will do anything for anyone, and I t think sometimes people take advantage of that. I am not defending him here I am explaining what sort of person he is and why I fell in love with him.
You are right peasoup, i do need to get out and 're-invigorate' myself especially after what has happened.
I think what i will do when he gets home, is reiterate that the texting has to stop if he wants us to try and re-build our relationship, even if he thinks this is blown out of proportion he has to understand how it has affected me.
Then i guess i just need to keep a close eye on things and try and work from there.
I hate to be a spy, it makes me feel rotten inside, but I am trying to protect what we have.

it does sound like him, and the relationship, are worth fighting for

luckily you've caught this early enough to be able to do that. you can make it clear, in no uncretain terms, that it has to stop. then, you can put it behind you, don't dwell on it, and you can both focus all of your energy on the relationship - so that this kind of ego boost/attention means nothing to him anymore, because he has everything he wants at home. you can make more time for yourself, get out more, spend more quality time together etc.

I found out too late. And the OW who went after my H would stop at nothing to get him. We were in a rut, not communicating well and the pressures of 2 FT jobs and a new baby was the main focus of our lives. He just wasn't getting enough attention/excitement and found it elsewhere. It has destroyed our (14 year) relationship/marriage.

If I'd have known early on when they were getting emotionally close, I think we'd have had a fighting chance of saving things. But eventually it just went too far. And he couldn't see what he was losing until it was too late. All he could see were the positives he was getting from the attention from her.

This woman has no respect for you or your family. And she probably doesn't care. All she cares about is saying the right things to him, being the one who's always there to listen, the sholder to cry on, the one who cheers him up. It's a manipulative game and sadly, one that some women (and men!) are experts at.

You're better off without her in your lives at all. He can have whatever friends he wants, so can you, but as a bare minimum those friends should respect your marriage. This girl, even after being told, clearly doesn't. So she's a friend he can definitely do without!

Good luck

He may be being polite to her and a bit too chicken to offend her by ignoring her texts but he has to find his balls and do it. I think your plan is a good one. Also work on getting him to wonder what you might be up to by getting yourself some new friends that he doesn't even know. Do you do any work? Frankly an evening job in a bar is as good as a social life or a box office of an arty cinema as you get paid, you get out, no childcare costs presuming DH is home evenings, keeps him indoors at night (!), and away frm the pub, Gets you chatting to a million new people. Also get yourself a new hairstyle. Work on making yourself happy and refreshed and he'll be more keen to concentrate on you, rather than office slapper. Tell him the bar job is to make enough money to pay for the childcare one day a week so you can spend one day a week on your new hobby or down the gym or helping out at the local Male Modelling Agency. I think the best plan is always to make your own life more exciting if the DH's are playing up cos then you look more appealing to them and you are at least having fun so you don't care so much about their dull office flirting.

Can you get a look at his mobile bills and see if he is texting/calling her more than he claims?

Of course he is trying to turn this around onto you. Alos it is a very common reaction to lie in this situation - he will be kidding himself that he is protecting you by not telling the whole truth (bullshit he is protecting himself)

I think you can tell him that you will respond to any of her texts from now on that he receives at home - that will soon give her the msg. You could just say "sorry dh is busy with his family" or something.

Also have you asked him if he has really told her? He may be worried that she will turn a bit bunny boiler and jeopardise his job if he is too forceful with her. If you look at his from his POV he has been (in his opinion) harmlessly flirting with her and suddenly he has to cut all contact. If she is a bit unhinged (which she must be to be so actively pursuing a married man when she knows his wife is unhappy about it) then he could be worried that she will cause problems at work

Worth discussing with him I think

I'd be tempted to reply to the next txt message he receives saying "I thought we'd discussed this and that I told you not to text me any more. I don't want to hurt my dw any more." But don't tell him you're going to do it, so that he doesn't have chance to warn her it might happen. If he has told her it will bring the message home hopefully. If he hasnt told her, then his response to you doing it will be very telling, and it will force his hand.

Have you considered relate or similar?

can I place a note of caution here? I just don't like reading these posts which say leave him, he is doing this, he is doing that.

Firstly he has been kind in relation to the tragic miscarriage. When it matters most, he has been there.

Secondly, maybe just maybe there is absolutely nothing going on here. Maybe that is why it is hard for him to deal with/ find solutions. IF there was something going on, he really is not trying very hard to mask it. And, let's face it, as they work together and spend the day together, he really would be able to keep everything very clandestine with verrrrrrry little effort.

I have said earlier on in this thread that he is not being sensitive, I don't need to defend him per se. But it seems that no one is hearing what the OP is saying about herself and, reading what she says, she is really not in a good space at the moment, for the miscarriage, for the loneliness, for a number of things (and for which she is totally blameless and has my huge empathy and sympathy). But, it is fair to say, that these things may be affecting the way she is viewing the situation. If everything was just cool and she was feeling good about herself, she may have just laughed this all off.

I appreciate that some of you have been hurt in similar situations but I must repeat, not all of us men are cheating bastards. Many of us are good husbands, with flaws and qualities. I just don't think it is helpful to say "I was in an identical situation, get out".

And I do not think there is anything wrong with him talking to this colleague about his relationship. We all need outlets to confide in, it is cloud cookoo land to think that we do not talk to others about what goes on at home. Hell, we all do it here! Maybe just maybe there were things in his relationship which were not quite right and he has, over the last few months, confided in this work colleague. That is not a crime. And, in a flip side to everyone's attitude here, maybe she is not a predatory tart, maybe she is actually trying to help and support him. Maybe she could even be a positive help to his relationship. Maybe he told her about the miscarriage, maybe she was checking in to see how he was feeling. Maybe he feels he cannot show his wife how he is really feeling as he has to be strong for her.

All I am saying is maybe the best thing would be for the OP to be less fixated about this woman and concentrate on the big issues such as getting through the trauma of ger miscarriage, trying to find people in RL she can connect with and looking, together, with the DH at issues which are present in their relationship and ways they can work through them - rather than stirring up hornets nests, telling her to leave, telling her to intervene, telling her everything is bad.

Just my two penneth, from a daddymumsnetter...

can I place a note of caution here? I just don't like reading these posts which say leave him, he is doing this, he is doing that.

Firstly he has been kind in relation to the tragic miscarriage. When it matters most, he has been there.

Secondly, maybe just maybe there is absolutely nothing going on here. Maybe that is why it is hard for him to deal with/ find solutions. IF there was something going on, he really is not trying very hard to mask it. And, let's face it, as they work together and spend the day together, he really would be able to keep everything very clandestine with verrrrrrry little effort.

I have said earlier on in this thread that he is not being sensitive, I don't need to defend him per se. But it seems that no one is hearing what the OP is saying about herself and, reading what she says, she is really not in a good space at the moment, for the miscarriage, for the loneliness, for a number of things (and for which she is totally blameless and has my huge empathy and sympathy). But, it is fair to say, that these things may be affecting the way she is viewing the situation. If everything was just cool and she was feeling good about herself, she may have just laughed this all off.

I appreciate that some of you have been hurt in similar situations but I must repeat, not all of us men are cheating bastards. Many of us are good husbands, with flaws and qualities. I just don't think it is helpful to say "I was in an identical situation, get out".

And I do not think there is anything wrong with him talking to this colleague about his relationship. We all need outlets to confide in, it is cloud cookoo land to think that we do not talk to others about what goes on at home. Hell, we all do it here! Maybe just maybe there were things in his relationship which were not quite right and he has, over the last few months, confided in this work colleague. That is not a crime. And, in a flip side to everyone's attitude here, maybe she is not a predatory tart, maybe she is actually trying to help and support him. Maybe she could even be a positive help to his relationship. Maybe he told her about the miscarriage, maybe she was checking in to see how he was feeling. Maybe he feels he cannot show his wife how he is really feeling as he has to be strong for her.

All I am saying is maybe the best thing would be for the OP to be less fixated about this woman and concentrate on the big issues such as getting through the trauma of ger miscarriage, trying to find people in RL she can connect with and looking, together, with the DH at issues which are present in their relationship and ways they can work through them - rather than stirring up hornets nests, telling her to leave, telling her to intervene, telling her everything is bad.

Just my two penneth, from a daddymumsnetter...

can I place a note of caution here? I just don't like reading these posts which say leave him, he is doing this, he is doing that.

Firstly he has been kind in relation to the tragic miscarriage. When it matters most, he has been there.

Secondly, maybe just maybe there is absolutely nothing going on here. Maybe that is why it is hard for him to deal with/ find solutions. IF there was something going on, he really is not trying very hard to mask it. And, let's face it, as they work together and spend the day together, he really would be able to keep everything very clandestine with verrrrrrry little effort.

I have said earlier on in this thread that he is not being sensitive, I don't need to defend him per se. But it seems that no one is hearing what the OP is saying about herself and, reading what she says, she is really not in a good space at the moment, for the miscarriage, for the loneliness, for a number of things (and for which she is totally blameless and has my huge empathy and sympathy). But, it is fair to say, that these things may be affecting the way she is viewing the situation. If everything was just cool and she was feeling good about herself, she may have just laughed this all off.

I appreciate that some of you have been hurt in similar situations but I must repeat, not all of us men are cheating bastards. Many of us are good husbands, with flaws and qualities. I just don't think it is helpful to say "I was in an identical situation, get out".

And I do not think there is anything wrong with him talking to this colleague about his relationship. We all need outlets to confide in, it is cloud cookoo land to think that we do not talk to others about what goes on at home. Hell, we all do it here! Maybe just maybe there were things in his relationship which were not quite right and he has, over the last few months, confided in this work colleague. That is not a crime. And, in a flip side to everyone's attitude here, maybe she is not a predatory tart, maybe she is actually trying to help and support him. Maybe she could even be a positive help to his relationship. Maybe he told her about the miscarriage, maybe she was checking in to see how he was feeling. Maybe he feels he cannot show his wife how he is really feeling as he has to be strong for her.

All I am saying is maybe the best thing would be for the OP to be less fixated about this woman and concentrate on the big issues such as getting through the trauma of ger miscarriage, trying to find people in RL she can connect with and looking, together, with the DH at issues which are present in their relationship and ways they can work through them - rather than stirring up hornets nests, telling her to leave, telling her to intervene, telling her everything is bad.

Just my two penneth, from a daddymumsnetter...

sorry for double post, don't know how that happened...