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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's 'friendship' with work colleague - am i naive????

265 replies

naivemum · 17/01/2008 19:54

I almost just need to write this down to get it clear in my head... I don't know if i have created this situation in my head, or if I should really be worried.
I had a a bit of a bad feeling over the last couple of months, when a particular woman at dh's work kept getting mentioned and he kept getting text from her (i should point out that most of the information i have is from checking his phone - yes i know....i should trust him etc etc). Just before xmas he went on his xmas do and got back in the early hours, a bit worse for wear, the next day I asked him about it and he said he'd been doing tequila slammers, i asked 'who with' he said this woman.. so he didn't hide anything, so i thought nothing to hide. The texts continued, but i saw nothign incrminating. then a week later I checked his phone and read some texts and it turned out she'd phoned him after midnight, after i'd gone to bed, the texts mentioned about 'being quiet' . I brought it up the next day and pretended that i'd heard him on the phone. He admitted he was on the phone to her and said she was at a pub quiz and had called him because she thought he might know the answer - he said. I just didn't buy it and asked what was going on and his reaction was to treat me as if I was almost mad! He also said to me that she was very much 'one of the lads' and i had nothing to worry about. My point was that I don't have any friends that i would feel comfortable calling after midnight apart from him - my husband, and that just isn't normal for a work colleagur to call like that. I sulked about it for a couple of days, but as it turned out we were invited to a new years party where she was going to be there, so I met her and she is nothing special, and for want of a better word and not wanting to sound snobby (i'm not!) a bit common! I did speak to her and she was nice enough,and she has a boyfriend who was there. but it is still niggling at me, I have found out since that DH got a picture printed for her as a gift, and last night he went out to see a client and I looked at his phone, he'd called her within 20 minutes of leaving the house, and they are texting almost every night.
DH is a generous person, he is not a dick, he has always had female friends, but to me, this is just too much, he works closley with her, but..i don't know it just doesn't feel right. I am sorry to have gone on, I almost needed to see it all in black and white, almost think that from checking his phone i have let me imagination run away, but then pat of me is asking am I just being naive? I don't know, If anyone can make sense of all this rambling I would be grateful.
I should point out i haven't seen anything that i could accuse him of,just lots of XXX at the end of them, which I know everyone does don't they??

OP posts:
dizietsma · 26/01/2008 13:19

Jeez... Threads that degenerate this like make me wish we locked threads on mumsnet!

Let it go peeps.

Heated · 26/01/2008 13:59

Only NaiveMum can say whether this would help given her circumstances, but have you thought about confiding in family and friends?

Sometimes it can feel like a shameful secret (between the two of you). He finds it exciting and flattering to be on the receiving end of the attention, whilst the uncertainty and hurt eats away at the wife like a canker.

Once family/friends know he may well feel embarrassed, it just looks what it is: slightly tawdry and certainly insensitive. For her it might feel like a lancing of a boil (sorry for the imagery!)

naivemum · 28/01/2008 14:56

I can see i have opened a can of worms here, I didn't mean it to end up like this!
For the record, I actually can relate to and value Postingatlasts advice more than some of the posts on here.
Since i posted last DH and I had a long chat.
We agreed that aside from the 'friend' issue, we had some underlying problems that needed to addressed, as I said earlier, I need to reclaim my social life, and we need to be able to spend time apart as well as togther.
I do agree with this. he thinks that the fact that I don't spend much tme with friends isn't healthy.
We agreed that we are going to move on and make more of an effort and this is not just me, but him as well
we had a day out together on sat whilst MIL had the DS's. we had fun and it was really what i needed after the awful last few weeks.
I don't think she contacted him over the weekend and i made a concious effort to not go checking up.
However when i came onto the computer he'd left his facebook page up and I saw some
messages from her earlier in the week, one which said ' oh i'm not allowed to talk to you!' which was just taking the piss quite frankly, and I just wanted to email her right back and tell her to f*in grow up, it's my marriage she's having a laugh about. And then also a message from her on tues saying she was off for the rest of the week, which made me feel like that fact that DS took thurs and fri off last week to be with me, was purely becuse she wasn't at work anyway. Dh hadn't replied other than to say have a good week off, see you monday.
Maybe I am the sort of person who is just never going to be happy.
Part of me doesn't want to read this stuff as it just goes round in my head fueling the fire and part of me feels I have to so i know what's going on, but then I am only getting half a story and and putting 2 and 2 together and making 5.
I don't think there's anything going on, but i find the fact that she thinks she can make a joke about 'not be allowed to talk to DH' very offensive.
Anyway - this is how I feel today, when DH comes home, I am going to put on a brave face again, and try and build back up what we used to have, i can't see any other way.
going to stay somewhere with 2 small children is not an option, i don't want to, it would upset my DS's and that is not on.
Thankyou everyone for your advice, i am sorry it seems to have gone off track somewhat.
I am rambling again anyway

OP posts:
naivemum · 28/01/2008 15:33

just to add to what i have said, i do feel in a much better place than i did when i posted originally, that is mainly because of the things that dh has said to me and his behaviour.
obviously i have been through the mill in more ways than one.
I am just hoping that his behaviour changed because he loves me and wants to make it work and not because i have just had a miscarriage and he feels guilty.
i really hope i am right.

OP posts:
AllFallDown · 28/01/2008 15:37

Good luck, naivemum. I hope all works out well. And, yes, she's bang out of order making snarky remarks about you. And he's out of order letting her do so ... But it doesn't mean all is lost (I don't think anyone takes time off work just because their friend isn't there - try not to question the worth of good things. Sometimes good things are just good).

juliepooley · 28/01/2008 16:08

I know I am a bit late to this thread but having gone through something like this I must comment... My dh worked with a woman and they got very close, texting, messaging etc but I felt secure in the knowledge that HE wouldn't go any further and I was wrong. They had a six month affair which was uncovered 2 months ago and we a still trying to rebuild our lives. Having analysed the whole thing I would say that if another relationship started up like this one again, the main question that I would ask is "would you be happy with me hearing/seeing the conversations that take place". If the answer to that is no then the relationship has already crossed the line. An affair doesn't start when you climb into bed. An affair can be an emotional thing and if dh wouldnt feel comfortable with you overhearing any of their conversations then the line has already been crossed. Just something else to think about. Hope this helps and all is sorted out.

naivemum · 28/01/2008 16:53

Julie
I am really sorry to hear what has happened to you.
Just a couple of questions, did you have any idea about it before? Did you question it with him?
I have thrown accusations at DH and he has denied denied denied. I think that yes you are right i possibly wouldn't be comfortable knowing what he has said to her, i know he has discussed our relationship. to me that crosses a line and I hate that he has done that. But if we are to get anywhere, I have to get over that and move on.

OP posts:
CountessDracula · 28/01/2008 17:14

Can't he delete her from his facebook thing?

juliepooley · 28/01/2008 17:37

No, I feel really thick about the whole thing now, I had no idea that it had gone past having a laugh. I never confronted him so he never lied. It was easy for him because he was in a different country and sorry to stereotype men but he had done the typical male thing of compartmentalising and she was in a box in that country and me and the kids were in a box over here. I have only just come back from a trip to visit the place and it was very weird to be in the apartment that the affair had taken place in. I have just read a book call "NOT Just friends" which I found fantastic and would definitely recommend. It gives really clear advise on where boundaries should be in a working relationship and discussing your private relationship is definitely crossing that boundary. In fact, according to the book, at that point the affair has started!!

juliepooley · 28/01/2008 17:44

Sorry - just remembered, one more important point is about loyalty. If your dh is discussing your relationship with someone else it begs the question where his loyalty lies. I think in any relationship if your loyalty isnt with your partner then there is a problem.

maturer · 28/01/2008 21:28

naivemum, for a start you are not being naive- your dh is as I believe he's "playing with fire". Although he may not have started a physical relationship with this woman he is in grave danger of ending up down the affair road and in my opinion he may have already gone down that route.

I believe (just my opinion but based on painful experience of a dh who did get very friendly with a work colleague and ended up having an affair....when no one not even he ever ever thought he'd do that)
if your dh is "giving away "a part of himself that only you should get-whether physical or enotional- then he is already having an affair.He is breaching your trust and bringing a third party into your relationship.

My dh- we are still together but 4 years on from his affair and still dealing with the pain-now cringes when he hears or sees such "friendships" developing in the workplace because he now knows how dangerous it is to get that close to someone....if the timing is not good...if things are going on in your life that cause you to "look away " from your current relationship then before you know it you've crossed the line. He knows how he nearly threw away his life ....in his words "threw away so much for so little"

Whatever the truth of what's going on please talk to him about how you feel for if nothing else this relationship with his work colleague is getting between you and bringing in feelings of mistrust and deceit.....even if thre's no substance in what you suspect there is substance in what you are feeling and this is very dangerous to your relationship. Please don't bury theses feelings try to share them with your dh in a non confrontational way- try to get him to understand how you feel threatened by this friendship and you both need to take care and look at what's going on.

From what you've said your dh is in a very dangerous place....he'll think that preposterous but I KNOW affairs can happen to anyone if they make the wrong choices and the pain it causes....no one should go through that. Try to head this off before it turns into something destructive.
You are not naive!Men(and womwen for that matter) no matter great they are are capable of falling into an affair!

NKF · 28/01/2008 21:37

I haven't read all the posts but I would guess he's not having an affair with her, just a rather intense friendship. Naturally, sexual feelings are present because they're of different genders. It could go either way.

Of course if events have developed past page 3, I take it all back.

drinkmoretea · 16/02/2008 20:54

Hi Naivemum, I can really relate to your post and like you trying to 'move on' how are things? Just when I think I've moved on I suddenly get 'insecurities' have you managed to 'get on' with your relationship?

drinkmoretea · 16/02/2008 21:59

.

littlewoman · 18/02/2008 09:49

I don't mean to be offensive, but calling after midnight cos she was at a pub quiz?
Pub quizzes don't go on that late, in my experience. Hope I don't hurt your feelings saying so.

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