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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's 'friendship' with work colleague - am i naive????

265 replies

naivemum · 17/01/2008 19:54

I almost just need to write this down to get it clear in my head... I don't know if i have created this situation in my head, or if I should really be worried.
I had a a bit of a bad feeling over the last couple of months, when a particular woman at dh's work kept getting mentioned and he kept getting text from her (i should point out that most of the information i have is from checking his phone - yes i know....i should trust him etc etc). Just before xmas he went on his xmas do and got back in the early hours, a bit worse for wear, the next day I asked him about it and he said he'd been doing tequila slammers, i asked 'who with' he said this woman.. so he didn't hide anything, so i thought nothing to hide. The texts continued, but i saw nothign incrminating. then a week later I checked his phone and read some texts and it turned out she'd phoned him after midnight, after i'd gone to bed, the texts mentioned about 'being quiet' . I brought it up the next day and pretended that i'd heard him on the phone. He admitted he was on the phone to her and said she was at a pub quiz and had called him because she thought he might know the answer - he said. I just didn't buy it and asked what was going on and his reaction was to treat me as if I was almost mad! He also said to me that she was very much 'one of the lads' and i had nothing to worry about. My point was that I don't have any friends that i would feel comfortable calling after midnight apart from him - my husband, and that just isn't normal for a work colleagur to call like that. I sulked about it for a couple of days, but as it turned out we were invited to a new years party where she was going to be there, so I met her and she is nothing special, and for want of a better word and not wanting to sound snobby (i'm not!) a bit common! I did speak to her and she was nice enough,and she has a boyfriend who was there. but it is still niggling at me, I have found out since that DH got a picture printed for her as a gift, and last night he went out to see a client and I looked at his phone, he'd called her within 20 minutes of leaving the house, and they are texting almost every night.
DH is a generous person, he is not a dick, he has always had female friends, but to me, this is just too much, he works closley with her, but..i don't know it just doesn't feel right. I am sorry to have gone on, I almost needed to see it all in black and white, almost think that from checking his phone i have let me imagination run away, but then pat of me is asking am I just being naive? I don't know, If anyone can make sense of all this rambling I would be grateful.
I should point out i haven't seen anything that i could accuse him of,just lots of XXX at the end of them, which I know everyone does don't they??

OP posts:
mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 22:01

not being funny but this is a first post and no response from OP

bored?

Dinosaur · 17/01/2008 22:02

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 22:08

it is interesting but find it quite sad as brings back memories

I am doing well now - still not divorced - exH seems to have been dragging his heels - considering he left in Nov 2005!!!
I am about to remortgage house increasing my mortgage by 50% which is a lot considering I work 3 days a week.
Have explained to DS (5.5) and he "understands" we wont have as much money but will own the house.

Have a new DP who is absolutely lovely. He is so good with my children who love him; he has custody of his DD (10) who seems to like me, and we're a great family of 5

it's still hard though being single parent and still hard not having answers to why exH risked/gave up family for OW.

OW by the way is vile to me - spoke by accident to her over Xmas & she was verbally abusive

I felt sorry for OP but having just done search on MN for her, this is her only post which is why I wondered whether it was a troll.

bit mean as dregs up memories/feelings for those of us who had this happen in RL

MrsPhilipGlenister · 17/01/2008 22:26

I'm very glad to hear that so many things are positive for you but sorry to hear about OW . (It's Dinosaur btw, just pissing about with namechanging.)

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 22:34

OW is not a big deal - she clearly has issues with me - dont know why seeing as she "won"

I just laughed at her when she swore at me and I believe reading between the lines that exH believes my side of the conversation but obviously cant be seen siding with me

grass is not always greener - sometimes turns to straw - thats my new phrase and think sums up exH new life

why the name change?

MrsPhilipGlenister · 17/01/2008 22:39

No sensible reason, it's an old fave of mine and was just joshing on another thread.

I can quite see how the green grass might turn to straw, yes.

MumtoJoe · 17/01/2008 23:15

Poor you naivemum - sounds really stressful and must be doing your head in. You are not mad and you are quite right to feel aggrieved and threatened - this woman's behaviour is at best inappropriate and at worst predatory. I would be furious if a colleague (or even a female friend) thought they could have that level of access and intimacy to DH. Cheeky bint I say. Anyway, two things struck me about your post...one (and it's been a while since I have been to a pub quiz) but since when do they go on after midnight? Secondly, how did you find out about the picture? Presumably he didn't tell you? You might have less to worry about if he was open about it and also about what/why he got her the pic. If he lied or didn't mention it then you might have more of a problem. Good luck with it all. I agree with custardo that if it is threatening your family unit then you need to fight to get it to stop.

notjustmom · 17/01/2008 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/01/2008 08:11

naivemum

It sounds like they're having an emotional affair. He likely does not think this is cheating because it is not physical but it is because he's giving emotional intimacy to someone else. It may be only a matter of time before this gets physical.

Talk to him, both of you need to work on ways to improve your own relationship and don't call her.

stuffitall · 18/01/2008 08:53

yup what attila says
needs to be nipped in the bud

isheisnthe · 18/01/2008 09:38

MM - I remember your thread too (and you have posted on mine) - I remember you EXH came on and read all your posts - do you think he ever soes that now?

Just asking as I think nob head ex has rumbled me and I am not sure if I want him reading all - or if I even care enough to get pissy?

naivemum · 18/01/2008 09:57

sorry I couldn't post, DH came home.
He was on a works meal, i am not sure if she was there or not, but i suspect not as i looked at his phone and he'd called heR at 10pm, the same time as he called me, as he lewft..WHY???
while I ahve been wringing this DH has just called and asked me what it's about, i said I didn't want to discuss over the phone. But he went on so I told him the phone call had been eating away at me and it was totally inappropriate to call him..anyway the long and short of it was he denied anything is going on, did i want him to stop being friends with her, i said no, but she has crossed the line, and I don't have a problem with him being friends, but there is a limit. He is really pissed off with me now and says he trusts me 1000% why don't I trust him, he's done nothing wrong, it wasn't him who called her etc. etc.

OP posts:
naivemum · 18/01/2008 09:59

sorry realise that doesn't make much sense, i had texted him to say i wanted to talk to him this eveing...that's why he called me

OP posts:
stuffitall · 18/01/2008 10:06

hi ..what a night you must have had..
don't let him make you feel as though you are in the wrong. Honest to God I hope this is all very innocent and tra la la. But you're not wrong to bring it up. Did he lie when he said he didn't make the call? And that it was an incoming instead? Does what he's saying really have the ring of truth? Getting cross with you is not a good sign really. Sorry I do hope I'm wrong.

isheisnthe · 18/01/2008 10:07

I would say I do want you to stop being "friends" with her, bloody hell, calling her at just after or just before he called you - like he's checking in (which he should be with you if thats what normally happens but certainly not with some girl from work)

If he's suddenly made such a good friendship that has transposed outside of work why doesnt he ask her round your house to dinner with her boyfriend (can't remember if you said there was one)

Thats what my Exp said to me - that I had cost him a friendship - cos I phoned her when he stayed out alnight round a "mates" - later it turned out he was there - end of relationship - nip it in the bud

CountessDracula · 18/01/2008 10:08

I would say YES I DO WANT YOU TO STOP BEING FRIENDS.

He is clearly emotionally involved with her.

emiliosmum · 18/01/2008 10:13

Hi naivemum - trusting him is all well and good but this other woman is taking the piss and he is being completely naive to think she just wants to be friends with him! if it makes you feel bad he should respect your wishes and put up some boundaries at the very least.

i second what someone else said about this being an emotional affair in a sense and if i were in your shoes i would not let this go and would confront him with your worst fears - don't paper over it and let it drag on

OverworkedAndUnderpaid · 18/01/2008 10:19

But you do want him to stop being friends with her, don't you?

I know I certainly would.

SmartArse · 18/01/2008 10:23

I like Custy's post.

And whilst there may well not be anything going on at the moment, things could get out of hand. It can be tempting. I have a male colleague I've worked with for 15 years. He is fab and we used to have lunch together at least once a week and go out for supper once a month. My DH is fine with this, trusts me, and has met the man in question. However, this man is particularly attentive (and married, but not very happily) and he makes me feel good. And very very occasionally, I have been able to see that if I made a move, he'd respond. And very very occasionally, I'm tempted because I'm feeling fat/old/ugly/whatever and he doesn't take me for granted. So a couple of years ago I decided to pull back a bit. We now lunch once a month and have supper every few months, which is fine. We put the World to rights and he moans about his marriage. But had we carried on with such close, regular contact, and had I felt at any stage a bit vulnerable, I could easily have let it get out of hand, just for the fact that someone appreciated me, fancied me or whatever.

But I ADORE my DH and never want to put our marriage at risk.

I'm sure this ramble doesn't make much sense, but what I'm trying to say is that he may not at this stage mean anything by it, but he should certainly cool it out of respect for you.

stuffitall · 18/01/2008 10:26

smartarse you get to the bottom of it

he should respect you enough to see it troubles you and to pull back

snowleopard · 18/01/2008 10:29

Take issue with the fact that he is getting angry about this. Say to him "why are you cross with me? It's you who is upsetting your partner by having an unreasonable amount of contact with another woman. If it really is innocent, you would realise it looked a bit odd and be really sorry you had upset me. Getting angry suggests I have hit a nerve. Is something going on? Would you like it to? Are you prepared to lose your wife and family because that is often the end result of this kind of thing, just ask several women I know whose husbands ran off with a work colleague and they ended up getting divorced."

Hit him with the facts and again, ask him if it would be OK with him for you to be sending presents to a male colleague and talking to him on the phone after midnight and then getting angry if your DH questioned it.

FioFio · 18/01/2008 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

SmartArse · 18/01/2008 10:34

I have to say that the XXX at the bottom of a text would worry me a ittle. I consider my colleague to be a close friend but would not encourage him by doing that.

I would also be suspicious if my DH called someone other than me at the time he left the pub or whatever. He always rings me when he leaves, wherever he is. I am not just his DW but also his best friend so I expect that. But I can't see any reason for calling anyone else.

I'm sorry if I'm not being very positive. But on the other hand, if may not be too late. He just needs to recognise the compromising position he's putting himself in and hang back a bit.

QuintessentialShadow · 18/01/2008 10:36

I agree with Custy and FioFio.

I had a friend I was chatting on msn to a lot in the evenings. A woman, we were talking kids and nappies and shite.
Nevertheless, my dh dug his heals in one evening and asked "Are you married to Linda or me? It seems you are spending most evenings talking and texting with Linda, why? She seems to have replaced me, and I find that odd. Frankly I resent it, and I want you to cut back and come back to me. I should be the one you talk to not some stranger."

SmartArse · 18/01/2008 10:37

Oh they can, Fio. I'm not saying that you can never just be platonic friends with someone of the opposite sex. I just mean that sometimes it's nice to be flattered. Of course my DH flatters me (he's not really going to agree that my bum looks big unless he wants a clout!) but it's not quite the same when it's from someone you've known inside and out for over 20 years!

God, I wish I was better at expressing myself more clearly ...