DH's 'friendship' with work colleague - am i naive????

[naivemum]

I almost just need to write this down to get it clear in my head... I don't know if i have created this situation in my head, or if I should really be worried.
I had a a bit of a bad feeling over the last couple of months, when a particular woman at dh's work kept getting mentioned and he kept getting text from her (i should point out that most of the information i have is from checking his phone - yes i know....i should trust him etc etc). Just before xmas he went on his xmas do and got back in the early hours, a bit worse for wear, the next day I asked him about it and he said he'd been doing tequila slammers, i asked 'who with' he said this woman.. so he didn't hide anything, so i thought nothing to hide. The texts continued, but i saw nothign incrminating. then a week later I checked his phone and read some texts and it turned out she'd phoned him after midnight, after i'd gone to bed, the texts mentioned about 'being quiet' . I brought it up the next day and pretended that i'd heard him on the phone. He admitted he was on the phone to her and said she was at a pub quiz and had called him because she thought he might know the answer - he said. I just didn't buy it and asked what was going on and his reaction was to treat me as if I was almost mad! He also said to me that she was very much 'one of the lads' and i had nothing to worry about. My point was that I don't have any friends that i would feel comfortable calling after midnight apart from him - my husband, and that just isn't normal for a work colleagur to call like that. I sulked about it for a couple of days, but as it turned out we were invited to a new years party where she was going to be there, so I met her and she is nothing special, and for want of a better word and not wanting to sound snobby (i'm not!) a bit common! I did speak to her and she was nice enough,and she has a boyfriend who was there. but it is still niggling at me, I have found out since that DH got a picture printed for her as a gift, and last night he went out to see a client and I looked at his phone, he'd called her within 20 minutes of leaving the house, and they are texting almost every night.
DH is a generous person, he is not a dick, he has always had female friends, but to me, this is just too much, he works closley with her, but..i don't know it just doesn't feel right. I am sorry to have gone on, I almost needed to see it all in black and white, almost think that from checking his phone i have let me imagination run away, but then pat of me is asking am I just being naive? I don't know, If anyone can make sense of all this rambling I would be grateful.
I should point out i haven't seen anything that i could accuse him of,just lots of XXX at the end of them, which I know everyone does don't they??

Posting a l, we're not saying necessarily that he is doing something wrong by texting this woman and being friends with her; what he is doing wrong is not stopping it when his wife has made it very clear that it is upsetting her. And there haven't been many posters who've said leave him. We're not saying all men are cheaters but let's face it if a woman and man get very close at work then there is the possibilty they will cheat and if his wife is worried about that and feeling insecure then he should knock it on the head.

Triple post actually

sorry everyone, that has never happened, the posts must have got stuck in my internet connection (I hit reload once)

Postingatlast, you know, you dont always have to defend the straying party.

I dont know, maybe you identify more with naivemums husband than op herself, dont let that come in the way of giving sensible advice.

to be fair, I don't always defend either the man, nor the straying party. If you read my post earlier on in the thread I was not defending him. But just by calling him the straying party is a very loaded phrase. All we have here is one side of the story and I think it is remiss of us to rush to judgment.

I think my advice was very sensible, thank you. More sensible than "I've been here before, be wary/ get out". I genuinely think that OP and her partner need to focus on themselves, individually and as a couple. I really am beginning to feel that this OW is just a red-herring. By that I do not mean that she does not exist, on the contrary, I just feel that she is maybe more of a side issue which is distracting the OP and her DH from working through things together. And stoking her up with claims that he is being unfaithful just doesn't help, IMHO.

I certainly do not identify with OP's husband more than she does. I don't know him and have no cause to defend him. But while it is possible that there is something not quite right going on here, it is equally possible that the opposite is true.

But yes, in so far as I have girl friends and that I do confide in them then, yes, I guess I can identify with him. And in so far as i have had friends (male and female) who over step the boundaries (not repsecting time of day, calling too much etc) then yes, I can identify too. But these were not issues to affect my marriage, they were just part of everyday life...

have read through most of this - my experience

a few years ago got friendly with a male colleague at work, and we were JUST friends, and he would text me out of work hours, late at night etc etc

from my point of view nothing going on and nothing did

DH very unhappy with my friendship, told me he wasn't happy, if I got a text I'd show him - nothing to hide

upshot of it was it made my DH unhappy, and his happiness meant more to me than the friend

The friend is no more

and I have a happy DH, who is, at the end of the day my best friend

Oh PAL, but the issue is, has a line been crossed? - and it seems it has. The DH here has been having late night texts and phone calls and even staying out late with this woman. After a row with his wife over it all he texted the OW again to reassure her. We have an O who is not backing off even though she knows the wife is not happy. Of course we only have one side of the story, but it does seem a little perverse of you to try to portray this obviously upsetting behaviour as normal and fine.

For myself, I'm not telling the OP to leave him at all, I'm saying fight for him if he's worth it and insist on being respected and listened to. But so many of us have been here and recognise it for what it almost certainly is - the start of something potentially dangerous. And further to that, so many of us know/know of men who have done this, lost their wives and families and then are filled with regret that they threw it all away for what turned out to be a nasty piece of work - very often, the affair does not survive as a relationship because it was never about love, it was never about soulmates, it was about flattery and ego and excitement and being bored with the rut your life is in and going for what looks like a fun option. It happens all the time and it causes family breakdown and it devastates many people's childhoods.

And, as the partner of a man who very nearly went there but pulled back, I know that's possible too, so it is worth the OP having it out with her DH now and continuing to do so. What worries me about your posts is the suggestion that she's somehow to blame or that the DH's behaviour is fair enough and she should buck her ideas up. I really don't agree, she came here for support and I reiterate again, I can't see that this is her fault.

I don't think anyone on here suggested the op leaves him

I quite resent the implication in your last sentence, Snowleopard. I have never said OP should buck her ideas up, I have said the contrary. Also, read back through the thread and you will see that I have given her loads of support so, please, no preaching about her coming here to be supported and somehow I have not done this. I haven't even said his behaviour is right at any point (again, read my earlier posts, and posts elswehere on these boards).

But I still maintain that we have no guarantee that he is up to no good. The text you refer too, where he texted OW to say something along the lines of all sorted, no worries, can be read 100 ways. He may actually have put his foot down with her, she may have felt bad, texted him later to ask if everything was sorted and he replied.

Bottom line is, if he is up to no good, OP and him need to work through it. And if he is not, OP and him need to work through it too. It is clear from what OP has said that there are a number of concurrent issues in the mix and that is why I said they need to both look at their own individual issues, the impact they have on the relationship and then work through them together.

DH's behaviour may be a sign he is a knob, it may be a sign of a certain malaise in the relationship, it may be a sign of a number of things. I just don't think that always going down the "you know where this will lead" route is helpful and, if truth be told, I think it is way less supporting and supportive than any of the balanced stances that I have taken throughout this thread.

I have come to this late and only read the first half roughly. From that, I don't think anyone should be saying 'try harder, I wish I had spiced things up and he would still be here', because that isn't really how it works ime...I have seen a wife doing that and the man having a grand time with her, then going straight out to meet his mistress for some more of the same.

Shocking and cruel.

Men who are going to have affairs will not be stopped by you turning up unannounced, or even springing them - they will deny it and carry on with better precautions in place.

It's like fighting the tide.

I agree that some might stop if found out but it still doesn't get to the bottom of why they were doing it, iyswim.

Just another thought.

I agree with flight.
About four years befor this happened to us we had a fantastic sex life. Belive me he had it all. Sex 4-5 times a week dress up, suprise lunches ect and this was before I suspected anything - so it wasn't just a case of spicing it up because I was scared of losing him.

Before this I had P.N.D. I wouldn't of blamed him if he had gone then, really.I must of been hell to live with.

My opion was and many people still think " Well , he has done it because he dosen't get it at home". So not true.

First time poster. Long time lurker. Male.
Can't advise on what's appropriate here, but I have a very close female friend at work. DW was definitely tense about this for a long, long time. Made worse for her by the fact that we have common interests that DW simply does not have - so she felt excluded - and that many of DW's friends thought it wrong that I should have such a close female friend - it's assumed that if a man has a close friendship with a woman it must be an "emotional affair". Well ... I have equally close relationships with some men, but they're not emotional affairs, so why need it necessarily be regarded as different? It wasn't hard for me to see that this friendship might not be the best news for my marriage - but I was not willing to sacrifice an important friendship. The answer, for me, was to continually make sure my wife was aware that I was completely committed to her, that I loved only her - and to demonstrate this as often as possible. I think she'd still prefer it if I were not friends with this woman, but she's now sure (I think) that there's nothing going on between us, and never will be. We've been friends for several years, and - contrary to what other posters here seem to think is inevitable - there's never been the slightest chance, despite our closeness - of it getting physical.

I really think AllFallDown is brave to post that. He will probably be flamed for saying he didn't want to lose the friendship but it was obviously important to him. Plus he seems like a good guy, reassuring his wife, making her feel special. Above all, he backs up what I said earlier - not all men are going to cheat and not all cross-sex friendships are emotional affairs. I hate that term anyway.

He just seems to have got something "different" from this friend. Something he could not get from his wife i.e. certain shared interests. As such, she was no threat, just a complement to his relationship and proof that you cannot (nor should you seek) everything from your partner.

He sounds like he has a very healthy view of having a balanced life.

None of which, by the way, says that the OP's husband is right. It just says that there is more than one way of reading this and I hope his post will show the OP that it is not taken as read that anything untoward is happening here...

Welcome to the board, by the way, in general a thought out male perspective is always welcome here (speaking as another man)

Allfalldown does she text you at midnight despite repeated pleas from your wife not to?

PAL, I didn't say you said those things, I said there was a "suggestion", ie a hint, a feeling, of them, in your posts.

Things like

"these things may be affecting the way she is viewing the situation. If everything was just cool and she was feeling good about herself, she may have just laughed this all off."

"maybe the best thing would be for the OP to be less fixated about this woman and concentrate on the big issues"

In other words, it's the OP's attitude that's partly or mainly at fault! But what her DH is doing with this OW is actually out of order by most people's standards.

I can imagine my DP discussing our relationship, or even a sad situation such as a miscarriage, with a female friend and getting support that way and me not minding. Yes, that's possible. But if it involved late-night skulking around, texts and phone calls, lying about what texts and calls had been made and sent, etc, then I would smell a rat and so do most of us here.

Snowleopard, this is the problem with the written word, of course it can be read in many different ways and I understand why you read my words as you did. So just to clear up, I was at no point suggesting that it was the OP's attitude which was wrong. I was simply saying that there is clearly a lot going on at the moment for the OP and that these things are in the mix. That is not a question of attitude, it is just a question of reality. And when I say bigger picture, I repeat, what I mean is that if he is up to no good, there is a bigger picture (i.e. the state of the relationship) and if he is not up to no good then there is a bigger picture (i.e. the state of the relationship and where they are both at, as individuals). Hope that clears it up for you.

and maybe just maybe there is no rat to smell here, as AllFallDown has tried to illustrate.

I've had texts from her late at night. I've texted her late at night. But it's never "How are you? Thinking about you". It's usually about something specific that one of us has just done - seen a brilliant film or similar. Just as I get texts from male friends late at night saying "Did you see the Hatton fight?". Just because a text arrives late at night doesn't mean it's evidence of impropriety. Friends - proper friends - do often feel the urge to say things to each other when they come to mind. That said, I usually ignore late-night texts until the next morning.

Everything about this thread scares me so much, the OP, all of the replies, the fragility of relationships and the impossibility of being sure of anything in life. Just reading the OP and the posts has made me so very . All I wanted to add was to wish OP the best and hope that this is resolved between you & your DP very soon. I wish I could give advice.

Lots of us have accknowledged that he may not be "at it" but we are still appalled that he won't do what it takes to reassure his wife, i.e. stop the texts/lies,etc. I think AllFallDown is a little remiss in choosing a friendship over making his wife happy though. I have had a friendship with a bloke which my husband didn't feel comfortable with and I ended it even though it was innocent as I love my DH and want him to feel happy. How can another woman's friendship be worth more than your wife's happiness?

Allfalldown, the late night texts with her would be fine if it wasn't for the fact that your wife feels bad about it. I think you are insensitive to be happy to go on making your wife feel bad.

To clarify ... I have no idea if OP's DH is having an affair. I'm trying to say he might very well not be. But if he is not, I think he needs to show some willing here. He needs to take OP's concerns seriously and commit to the relationship. He needs to let her know she is his partner, no one else. But I don't believe that has to be at the expense of the friendship. And I don't believe midnight texts must equal affair, and I don't think it really helps OP that much to be told he is clearly up to something. It didn't help my DW when people told her I must be up to something. Especially as I wasn't.

peasoup ... i'm sorry, but you're making a number of offensive assumptions about me and my marriage there.