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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's 'friendship' with work colleague - am i naive????

265 replies

naivemum · 17/01/2008 19:54

I almost just need to write this down to get it clear in my head... I don't know if i have created this situation in my head, or if I should really be worried.
I had a a bit of a bad feeling over the last couple of months, when a particular woman at dh's work kept getting mentioned and he kept getting text from her (i should point out that most of the information i have is from checking his phone - yes i know....i should trust him etc etc). Just before xmas he went on his xmas do and got back in the early hours, a bit worse for wear, the next day I asked him about it and he said he'd been doing tequila slammers, i asked 'who with' he said this woman.. so he didn't hide anything, so i thought nothing to hide. The texts continued, but i saw nothign incrminating. then a week later I checked his phone and read some texts and it turned out she'd phoned him after midnight, after i'd gone to bed, the texts mentioned about 'being quiet' . I brought it up the next day and pretended that i'd heard him on the phone. He admitted he was on the phone to her and said she was at a pub quiz and had called him because she thought he might know the answer - he said. I just didn't buy it and asked what was going on and his reaction was to treat me as if I was almost mad! He also said to me that she was very much 'one of the lads' and i had nothing to worry about. My point was that I don't have any friends that i would feel comfortable calling after midnight apart from him - my husband, and that just isn't normal for a work colleagur to call like that. I sulked about it for a couple of days, but as it turned out we were invited to a new years party where she was going to be there, so I met her and she is nothing special, and for want of a better word and not wanting to sound snobby (i'm not!) a bit common! I did speak to her and she was nice enough,and she has a boyfriend who was there. but it is still niggling at me, I have found out since that DH got a picture printed for her as a gift, and last night he went out to see a client and I looked at his phone, he'd called her within 20 minutes of leaving the house, and they are texting almost every night.
DH is a generous person, he is not a dick, he has always had female friends, but to me, this is just too much, he works closley with her, but..i don't know it just doesn't feel right. I am sorry to have gone on, I almost needed to see it all in black and white, almost think that from checking his phone i have let me imagination run away, but then pat of me is asking am I just being naive? I don't know, If anyone can make sense of all this rambling I would be grateful.
I should point out i haven't seen anything that i could accuse him of,just lots of XXX at the end of them, which I know everyone does don't they??

OP posts:
motherhurdicure · 17/01/2008 20:55

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Tamz77 · 17/01/2008 21:01

Tough one. I don't think it sounds as if there's anything actually going on, and certainly no evidence of it, but nonetheless the constant texting is a bit too close for comfort. If you're going to address it outright you could maybe go from the angle that she seems to be initiating a lot of contact and you're concerned about it from the POV your husband's being pursued (and perhaps hasn't twigged as much). Remember it was her calling him after midnight not the other way round, maybe she initiates the texts too, and if she's putting XXX on the end of them well I wouldn't like it but is your husband responding in kind? Either way it's your right as his wife to make it known that there's a situation going on that makes you uncomfortable, and his duty as a husband to respond to this with understanding. (Which he might not however if he knows you've been checking his phone, so be careful with that one, it could well put his back up and the last thing you want is to make him more secretive).

Good luck.

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:04

you asked

my exH was friendly with woman at work - txts during weekend from her.
I found she'd phoned him late at night when he was away - he used to moan if I did that - he made some excuse about couldnt tell collegue not to phone
he told me I was going mad and in the end told me I was driving him away by my false accusations.

he was having an affair and she made sure I found out about it.

am now getting a divorce & he left (I kicked him out) and went str to her...still there.

I am sure that men can have friendships with collegues but late night phone calls, txting nightly and buying her a photo is a bit odd isnt it?

not sure what you can do though
could you explain it makes you feel uncomfortable having out of hours non-work txts and ask him to tell her its encroaching on his private time with you HIS WIFE.

no other advice Im afraid but would say that you need to fight for your marriage & make sure that this possible "flirtation" doesnt develop into anything else

ginnedup · 17/01/2008 21:15

Keep your eyes and ears open and try not to accuse him of anything direct.
It does sound suspicious, but it might be more on her side than his. He could be the naive one - not seeing her signals etc.
I would say to trust your gut instincts too - my ex was always going on about his OW and suddenly his phone was on silent all the time and he started going outside to answer it. I think sometimes you just know something isn't right, but as I say do be careful not to accuse him outright and don't tell him you've checked his phone - until you have something concrete to confront him with.
I hope its not what you think, I really do.

LyraSilvertongue · 17/01/2008 21:17

Hmm, this is a tricky one. DP has a female friend at work who he's quite close to and they go for lunch together regularly and he even calls her darling (in a tongue in cheek way) on the phone. They've worked together for years so are comfortable with each other and do text occasionally about work. But she's got a long-term partner and has just had a baby and I really don't think there's anything at all going on apart from friendship. I also have male friends that he's not suspicious of as he has no reason to be.
The thing that would worry me about your situation is the late night texts and phone calls, and the fact that he got all defensive and tried to make it look like you were mad when you mentioned it. That sounds like a guilty man to me.
The only thing you can do is confront him with it. Either that or choose to trust him.
Sorry, this isn't much help.

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:22

It may SOUND as tho its one-sided but for me, he was receiving txts & I told him I wasnt comfortable so they suddenly stopped

I found out afterwards that they hadnt stopped, my exH was just making sure I didnt find them.

The best thing was that he used to be on the computer on a Frid night while I was downstairs cooking his tea & bringing him a beer. He would close a window on the computer as soon as I walked in the room. I would then check the history str away & nothing looked wrong....when hed left, I found that he had her MSN address blocked - this meant HE could start MSN with her but she couldnt MSN him.....so everytime I walked in the room, hed been chatting to her on MSN
some people are very good at hiding things and have no shame

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:23

and I dont XXX anyone other than female friends and DP.
is your DH the type to XXX everyone or does this seem odd?
If he is a frequent XXX in txts, then maybe there is nothing to it....otherwise, doesnt he find XXX uncomfortable?

Lauriefairycake · 17/01/2008 21:24

it sounds like she's chasing him and him being a bit naive/flattered.

If you want to see her off - make sure you go to all work nights out (even down to the pub), text her when he's with you and gets a text "We're just sitting on the couch watching Love Actually". Just generally don't make yourself invisible while also trusting him til you know otherwise.

A woman called my husband at work at 5 in the morning, she chased him a lot, he was flattered, they shagged and he left that same night. I had never met any of his colleagues/ never been to his work/ trusted him totally/ had no clue.

Now happily remarried

If I could go back to my previously naive self I would make myself much more present by surprising him at work and the stuff I said furtherup.

ginnedup · 17/01/2008 21:26

I'm with MM on the XXX thing.
I have to send texts to work colleagues and I would never even put one X let alone 3.
Have you seen the texts from him to her or are you just going on her texts to him?

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:30

agree with Lauriefairycake
this happened to me
my exH's work is miles away from where we live (Im talking 3 hrs drive) and so didnt know any collegues etc
I even persuaded him to stay over night rather than drive home when I knew he was tired - green flag to have a shag in a hotel with HER

I think its easy to blame the OW & say shes chasing but if he's RECEIVING calls late at night, he's not exactly discouraging her.

I would have the "I'm not comfortable" conversation & if it still continues, you need to fight.

Zippi · 17/01/2008 21:31

i'm surprised he lets his phone iout of his sight tho

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:31

I bet he's deleting any txts he sends her

Layla17 · 17/01/2008 21:31

Put a stop to it now.
Your story is exactly the same as mine. The girl was nothing special, just a mate from work. I was naive and let the phoning and texting carry on. 2 months later he tells me he has feelings for her which he cannot control and he is now deciding whether to leave me and dd's.
Looking back, what I should have done is sparked up our sex life to stop him looking at anyone and put some more fun back into our lives - that is what she was offering him. i should have made him realise he did not need anyone else. Some men are just weak and love attention
I hope your situation is not the same but I would get her out of the picture now.

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:33

Zippi
My exH used to leave his phone around all the time - he KNEW I was checking so they were very careful.
I know this because the weekend I found out, he'd told her it was make or break weekend so she made sure I found the txt.
My ex is very manipulative and so would have told her that she could only txt in response to her or else....

snowleopard · 17/01/2008 21:35

It does sound as if he is definitely enjoying the attention and letting it go further than it should, though that doesn't mean anything serious has happened. But I do think you need to wake him up now and say you think the amount of contact they have is making you very uncomfortable and invite him to think about how he would feel if you were getting like this with a male friend. I wouldn't mention the texts unless you get to a point where you're sure he's cheating - but you can still hammer it home that you're not happy and you'd like to ask him straight out, is something happening, is he merely flattered. or is something about to happen? Remind him what he stands to lose.

I wouldn't feel any safer just because she seems unattractive and "common". What you will see is not what he will see! When my DP got into a situation like this, long ago now and long before DS, what riled me absolutely the most was that the other woman was just so dull and dim and her sense of humour was so obvious, etc. - I thought - how can this man that I thought I knew and loved possibly have anything to say to her? But it was about the attention and the flattery and the excitement. He later freely admitted that if anything serious had developed, she would have bored the shit out of him and it would never have lasted - but people often don't see that when they're in the whirl of excitement at being flirted with.

I hope it ends up OK for you both. Me and DP recovered well I think and it feels like water well under the bridge now.

Dinosaur · 17/01/2008 21:36

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Tortington · 17/01/2008 21:39

"i am not confortable with your close relationship with this woman. i am sorry if this is an over reaction on my part, however this remains the case. i want you to cease out of work communication - i am your wife, i have your children i give you blowjobs i will look after you when you are sick and when you are old i will be with you through thick and thin. you have had other female friends so this isn't paranoia on my part - i am not sugesting anything happened but it stops right now. if you want me. please respect me. after all if a man was texting me regularly at peculiar hours despite me having make friends in the past - i think you might become a little suspicious even if all was completely innocent. sorry to have to be so blunt but this is alpha female rearing her head - i sense a threat to the family unit now, where i havent in the past. it matters not that it is innocent - not the point."

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:44

good post custardo

candypandy · 17/01/2008 21:45

I would be suspicious too I'm sorry but there's some solace in the fact that he does leave his phone lying around, as Zippi says. You just wouldn't do that if you thought you might get an unexpected text. And as Snowleopard says, what she looks like and sounds like has nothing to do with it. I haven't got much to offer really except that if it is really one-sided on her part, and she is chasing him, I think the biggest harm comes from ignoring it. Flattery, excitement and attention are so dangerous. I suppose keep making it clear you are on the case. I hope it IS all one-sided and that it turns out well.

mistressmiggins · 17/01/2008 21:45

however, I pretty much said this to my exH and he just carried on hiding it 100%

candypandy · 17/01/2008 21:46

what custardo says

Wilkie · 17/01/2008 21:49

Custardo's point is very good.

I have a couple of close male friends at work that we have a laugh during the day, occasionally they will text or I will but I would never DREAM of texting/ringing all the time, day and night. It wouldn't be right. The only man for me is DH and I ALWAYS imagine how I would feel if it was the other way round. I would be gutted and suspicious if some 'woman' was texting him all the time - regardless of how 'innocent' it is.

YANBU and I would take Custardo's post and tell your DH exactly that!

leoleo · 17/01/2008 21:54

naive - are you ok?

leoleo · 17/01/2008 21:55

i am also with custardo.

candypandy · 17/01/2008 21:59

just don't let it go

he might persuade himself it's fine ..just a few texts.. a bit of emailing.. then a few problems are shared.. these things grow like topsy

squish it