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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH's 'friendship' with work colleague - am i naive????

265 replies

naivemum · 17/01/2008 19:54

I almost just need to write this down to get it clear in my head... I don't know if i have created this situation in my head, or if I should really be worried.
I had a a bit of a bad feeling over the last couple of months, when a particular woman at dh's work kept getting mentioned and he kept getting text from her (i should point out that most of the information i have is from checking his phone - yes i know....i should trust him etc etc). Just before xmas he went on his xmas do and got back in the early hours, a bit worse for wear, the next day I asked him about it and he said he'd been doing tequila slammers, i asked 'who with' he said this woman.. so he didn't hide anything, so i thought nothing to hide. The texts continued, but i saw nothign incrminating. then a week later I checked his phone and read some texts and it turned out she'd phoned him after midnight, after i'd gone to bed, the texts mentioned about 'being quiet' . I brought it up the next day and pretended that i'd heard him on the phone. He admitted he was on the phone to her and said she was at a pub quiz and had called him because she thought he might know the answer - he said. I just didn't buy it and asked what was going on and his reaction was to treat me as if I was almost mad! He also said to me that she was very much 'one of the lads' and i had nothing to worry about. My point was that I don't have any friends that i would feel comfortable calling after midnight apart from him - my husband, and that just isn't normal for a work colleagur to call like that. I sulked about it for a couple of days, but as it turned out we were invited to a new years party where she was going to be there, so I met her and she is nothing special, and for want of a better word and not wanting to sound snobby (i'm not!) a bit common! I did speak to her and she was nice enough,and she has a boyfriend who was there. but it is still niggling at me, I have found out since that DH got a picture printed for her as a gift, and last night he went out to see a client and I looked at his phone, he'd called her within 20 minutes of leaving the house, and they are texting almost every night.
DH is a generous person, he is not a dick, he has always had female friends, but to me, this is just too much, he works closley with her, but..i don't know it just doesn't feel right. I am sorry to have gone on, I almost needed to see it all in black and white, almost think that from checking his phone i have let me imagination run away, but then pat of me is asking am I just being naive? I don't know, If anyone can make sense of all this rambling I would be grateful.
I should point out i haven't seen anything that i could accuse him of,just lots of XXX at the end of them, which I know everyone does don't they??

OP posts:
doggiesayswoof · 18/01/2008 11:37

But wannabe it shouldn't be a case of banning the friendship - her dh should be able to see that it's not appropriate and is hurting her, and that should be his biggest priority. In other words, if he values his marriage he should want to step away from the friend.

postingatlast · 18/01/2008 11:42

I see what you mean SmartArse.

I think my approach would still be to look at the bigger picture. What is this situation telling OP about her relationship, her DH - and herself too?

I tend to be an optimistic person and always try to see the good which can come out of difficult situations. Basically, this situation is there for a reason. It's either there because of DH's actual behaviour, DH's perceived behaviour, OP and DH's relationship or how OP feels about herself.

As I have said frequently elsewhere, relationships are hard work and are constantly stress tested. The good ones survive but none survive in a perfect bubble and none survive unscathed.

Whatever is actually going on, this situation is a test for their relationship and hopefully the outcome will show that it was a blessing in disguise, if YSWIM

Layla17 · 18/01/2008 11:42

Doggie is absolutely right. He should be.

postingatlast · 18/01/2008 11:46

DoggieSaysWoof, I think that is a touch unfair, you cannot say directly that by not taking a step back from this woman he does not value his marriage. We cannot make that judgment call. As I said earlier, he may just be getting something different from her. He may well still value his marriage - but, as I said earlier, he also needs to manage his other relationships in more mindful and conscious ways.

snowleopard · 18/01/2008 11:47

wannabe I'm not sure this is the answer - and it suggests it's all the woman's fault if her husband strays and if she made more of an effort to be "sexy" this wouldn't happen. Surely it's his responsibility to be loyal as well? He's having secretive texts and phone calls with another woman. He's in the wrong. He may be clueless about it and sleepwalking into too much intimacy, but it's not excusable because of what undies his wife has or what she cooks for him. There's also an OW involved who is behaving badly and that's not the OP's fault either. The husband needs to take responsibility for hurting his wife and put a stop to it.

Yes, I think it's fine to have friends of the opposite sex but when it's developed in the way this one has, it is time to end the friendship and see the person only as necessary ina work context.

SmartArse · 18/01/2008 11:49

Funny you should say that, Postingatlast, about what this says about the OP's relationship in the first place. That was my first thought: that it was symptomatic of underlying issues - but I didn't post it myself because there is honestly nothing (that I know of!) wrong with my relationship! I was only ever tempted to take it a bit further with my colleague because it was nice having someone other than DH fancy me! I think that probably says more about me being an attention-seeker and a bit needy than anything else!

doggiesayswoof · 18/01/2008 11:50

postingatlast, you say he should "manage his other relationships in more mindful and conscious ways"

that is exactly what I meant by "taking a step back"

You need to have respect for what your partner is saying to you, and his reaction (ie to get angry and make excuses like "she called me" etc) is not doing that imo

Your posts make perfect sense, but it's all a bit "ideal world" IYKWIM

doggiesayswoof · 18/01/2008 11:51

Exactly snowleopard.

postingatlast · 18/01/2008 12:01

to be fair Doggie, I did realise as I was writing that you probably meant something similar in relation to the taking a step back. I was just reacting to the bit about if he values his marriage.

Yes, I am probably writing some of this from an ideal worlds standpoint but I feel it is necessary also in order to balance the argument and take some of the sting out of it, IYSWIM

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 18/01/2008 12:09

naivemum, you are NOT being paranoid AT ALL. Sorry, but that's just out of order. Talk to him straight (custardo put it very eloquently). If you love your dh, don't let it go any further.

postingatlast · 18/01/2008 12:16

I appreciate what Inlovewithsweeneytodd is saying but I don't think it is a good idea. I think it gets into very dodgy ground when we start to tell our DPs who they can and cannot see/ have as friends. I am sure my DW would not appreciate it if I put such an edict to her. Surely the middle ground here is to not tell him what to do but to discuss together how best to manage the situation? As has been said before, telling someone not to do something is a surefire way of them doing it more (particularly with a man!!!). And anyway, because they work together, OP cannot stop DH seeing this woman. They will interact on a daily basis at work, whether she likes it or not. Best to find a modus operandi which works for both OP and DH. Telling him to have nothing to do with OW is a recipe for disaster - esp if DH does tell OW and esp if OW is interested in DH because she will smell blood and go in for the kill!

cutekids · 18/01/2008 12:24

here here Custardo...that was brilliant

naivemum · 18/01/2008 14:47

Hi

I am losing track of this thread, I have 2 pre-school age kids running round, so is v. difficult to keep up.
Since my conversation with DH this morning, texts have been going back and forth between us.
He says is that why i'd been in such a bad mood for the last 4 weeks, I replied saying would he prefer it if I wasn't bothered, He then replied saying he'd prefer it if I would stop thinking he was having a fling or whatever and go back to being halfway nice! I then replied (sorry about this pathetic relating my text messages): well I didn't realise i was such a horrible person, to which he replied, 'i didn't realise i was such a love rat and a bad husband. I replied saying well there are some things that are ok, and some that aren't and if he can't see that then is it any wonder I am upset?'He then said he thought we'd cleared the air, when I brought it up originally a few weeks ago and why didn't I talk about it instead of stewing, so we can get on with our lives.
I then replied that I am aware he is good friends with her, but I feel that she means more to him than I do. I haven't had a reply to that.
Obviously he doesn't realise it's not just that late night phone call that i've been stewing on.
I am hoping that if he is flattered by the attention or whatever, my saying something to him, might make him aware of what he's actually doing and think about it??

OP posts:
Tortington · 18/01/2008 14:53

stop pissin texting for gods sake - this isnt eastenders its your lvies - take it seriously and make the time to talk properly without throwing accusations such as " you like her more than me"

wtf is he going to say to that - that will be in ANY way constructive?

v. immature

naivemum · 18/01/2008 14:57

I can't speak to him, he's at work.
I wanted to wait til this evening, but he wouldn't wait.
I am naturally suspicious and maybe it does say something about our realtioship i am not perfect, but calling me immature does't help me

OP posts:
postingatlast · 18/01/2008 15:03

very harsh custardo.

Yes, texting is never ideal as tone and content of text is never read as it was meant to read (bit like posts here) but calling the OP immature was a off beam, IMHO.

OP - he does sound like he has put up an honest defence. Use today's texts as a launchpad to talk to him tonight once the kids are in bed. Try and talk together about all the issues which are coming up here and try to find strategies which can leave you both feeling comfortable and neither of you feeling humiliated.

I stand by what I said earlier - the key here is to get to the bottom of what is really behind this malaise, for you, your DH and your relationship.

Well done for trying to broach it with him.

Layla17 · 18/01/2008 15:04

Sometimes texting is easier because you do not have to have a blazing row. If you fall out over text messages you can talk about it later rather than having an argument that you cannot take back.

I think you have made your point. Let him think about it for the rest of the day then have a nice meal together tonight and tell him calmly that you are hurt by his behaviour and that you feel insecure and need re assurance from him.

You are not being immature. I can totally understand your feelings.

CountessDracula · 18/01/2008 15:06

Why not ask him when he has been texting/calling her

Then when he lies you know

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 18/01/2008 15:07

Naivemum, listen to custardo.
You need to talk face to face, and keep your cool.

doggiesayswoof · 18/01/2008 15:08

I still think custy's first post early on in thread is great advice.

doggiesayswoof · 18/01/2008 15:09

CD good point. Of course if there's nothing to hide he will not lie, and be totally upfront about how much contact they are having.

CountessDracula · 18/01/2008 15:09

Sorry to expand on that

You have evidence that you can question him about do you not? eg the call at 10pm

You could ask what sort of pub has a quiz at midnight

naivemum · 18/01/2008 15:15

postingatlast - thankyou for a male pov and also very sensible advice.
I am not a confident person, and don't trust people easily, I am the opposite of DH who is open and will talk to anyone. I think you are right that my feelings are alot to do with my insecurities, but I still know that this isn't right.
Dh said this morning, again, that she was at a pub quiz the night she called, with her boyfriend,, both pissed, which is why she thought ok to call so late. I have reiterated that I think she has crossed a line, I hope maybe it hits home with him, I guess it is not what he is doing, but what he might do that scares me.
We still have a good sex life and are planning a weekend away together, but I am a SAHM and somethimes feel very limited by my horizons.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 18/01/2008 15:17

You need to talk face to face.I aghree with custy about the texting it is something teenagers do to end a playground romance and has no place in a serious marriage issue.Stop replying to him keep calm and try and get the kids to bed early so you can talk.Tell him you feel sad and sidelined and jealous even.Honesty is the best policy and to me it does sound suspicious but you may be in time to make him see sense before he goes too far.Marriage is a slog at times and the grass can look greener but if he really thought he might lose you he may get his act together.Good luck xx

InLoveWithSweenyTodd · 18/01/2008 15:22

Sometimes people behave in a childish way. Infatuation with new "friends" is something that happens to most people when young. In a serious marriage there is no room for that kind of thing. And if dh or dw needs to be reminded of his/her commitment, so be it. Marriage is a very serious commmitment, which includes respect for your partner and sometimes giving up relationships which may get in the way of making your marriage successful: and this is harsh but true.
The problem is that some people want it all. They want a loving dh or dw, but also have the freedom to flirt and be "friends" with other women or men as they used to do when they were single. That is playing with fire IMO.

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