Is there a doctor in the house? Feeling OH is lying about serious medical issue

[Tamz77]

Will try to keep this brief, but it's complicated.

Last Thursday my OH went into hospital to be tested for bowel cancer. Apparently, about a year ago he had a similar scare, had some tests and they proved negative. However the symptoms have reappeared and he was referred again.

My doubts have been raised by the following:

1. OH was referred in early December, having had renewed symptoms for a while, and didn't tell me until the week before he went into hospital.

2. When he did go in he asked me not to visit, he did text me while he was there, periodically, but didn't phone me at all.

3. The tests he was having supposedly involved the camera down the throat (having had the rectal camera test last year). However, when he came out he said this had involved him being under general anaesthetic for 18 hrs. When he said this I made a joke in reply, "That's not an examination, that's separating Siamese twins." A couple of friends I've mentioned it to have said quite seriously though that there's no way you could or would keep someone under that long unless it was indeed major surgery.

4. He said when he got out that 3 biopsies had been taken. Today he was called back to see the surgeon and told it WAS cancer, that they had completely removed a cyst during the 'op'. This is the first I've heard of any cyst removal, and anyway, could they do this without actually opening up the abdomen?

5. When he was in, he texted me to say the surgeon would be talking to him when he did his rounds on the Saturday. Everyone's telling me surgeon's don't do rounds at the weekend. This may be a minor detail.

TBH he's told me so much about his hospital stay, what he ate and who he chatted to etc, that if he was lying it would make him a complete psychopath. I'm not usually this paranoid but I HAVE caught the guy lying about several small things in the time we've been together, mostly to do with past relationships or things he's done, nothing huge just a bit of bullshit IYKWIM. I feel awful doubting a potential cancer sufferer but friends are outright suspicious and the 18hrs of anaesthetic issue in particular is one I can't get past. It was his birthday the day he went in, I'm wondering if he was actually away for a rude weekend with someone else and his alibi has just kind of snowballed.

Any advice from medical-type people would be appreciated!

Oh, he's also never mentioned having the barium enema, which maybe he's left out for reasons of personal discretion, but it is a routine test for bowel cancer and I thought he might have mentioned it.

Hi Tamz just read through this thread again and well done for handling it so brilliantly. I know of somebody whose husband was up to no good and was telling his wife that he was on call at night as a system analyst for a large computer company. After finding him out that he had made the whole story up, which unfortunately was after quite a few months by now, she waited until they were sitting down to dinner, just the two of them, and then said "oh by the way, I took this phone number down after a call from Xxxxx Computers" and then she watched him nearly choke when she mentioned that it was about some week-end on-call work. Of course, she had already thrown most of his things in black bags in the garden for him to collect on the way out. Good luck for the future.

Good for you, Tamz. I know this must be very painfiul and unsettling, but just focus on how well you dealt with it, how he didn't manage to get away with it and lead you on oblivious, and how you have done something very strong in rescuing yourself.

Take your courage and dignity in both hands, get out there with your head held high and shine like the star you are!! (cheez-ee but true!)

Still no contact or explanation, I guess the guy is in hiding somewhere, at his mum's probably (no I've never met her in 7 and a half months and she only lives ten mins away from me lol).

I told my dad about it, he's an ex copper and told me a couple of horror stories about love rat conmen he'd had to give evidence against in the past. He even said I should think about reporting ex to the police, so they can mark his cards as a potential fraudster.

Completely messed up my sudoku last night but had plenty of wine and a couple of girlfriends round to distract me, same again tonight, which is good as it's starting to hurt now. Was laughing in disbelief yesterday but now it's rather hitting home. I took the guy out last Monday (belated birthday treat) and we had (what I thought was) the best date ever, a gorgeous meal and a film and a long lie-in the next morning while my ds was at his dad's. Ex was telling me how gorgeous I looked, how much he loved me etc all night. Christ, he's spent the last 3 months telling me he wants to marry me! Lucky I'm not the marrying type eh (although I guess I could have got a nice ring out of it).

I have to say, I love this female solidarity on mumsnet, it's sometimes hard to find in real life but this site has always been fantastic. I only really post when I've got troubles but have been coming here for years now and it always makes me feel good. Big up the internet! (Except for dating! Won't be doing that again in a hurry lol.)

I don't think you are going to get an explanation ..probably for the best as it's easier just makin a clean break

you have had a lucky escape

good you have your friends to rally round

it will hit you hard but soldier on and you werent taken for a ride you saw through him

Oh Tamz, good luck with it all- do stand firm though, won't you

echo what everyone else has said Tamz. good on you. FWIW i agree with your dad about telling the police.

Tamz, like everyone else I think you handled this brilliantly, maintaing your dignity as well.

You may never get an explanation, but in a roundabout way that in itself is an explanation ...... what I mean is, if you had somehow got everything wrong and were doing this guy a disservice, then he would be at pains to put you straight, not only by verbal denials but by offering you concrete evidence that you were mistaken.

As he hasn't done this, it proves that he's a pathalogical liar, with all the associated traits liars possess such as selfishness, arrogance, disloyalty and thoughtlessness. Cruelty too - because they are prepared to let others suffer from their lies.

I once had a relationship with someone similar. I should have been warned before I got in too deep by the fact his own friends' nickname for him was "Billy" (as in Liar). He ended up costing me my and my son our home (long story) ...... and from the moment I left I never heard another thing from him, so never had my explanation either. I have to confess it cut me up for a good long time ..... I couldn't get my head around how someone who "promised" so much in terms of feelings and declarations of love could be such an unashamed liar to get what he wanted. I'd never done anything to him which could ever warrant the level of damage he inflicted upon me. However, with time, I realised that "reasons" didn't matter (and I would never have been able to trust what he said anyway) and, in spite of what he cost me, the main thing was that at least I didn't get in any deeper with him and have children with him as he would have been a shit dad. I gradually realised that what had happened wasn't a reflection upon me ... I just suffered lousy luck in meeting someone who was such a plausible liar .... and that actually he was a vile, pathetic, mummy's boy who had so little true spirit that he had to ruin other people's lives to make him feel important and powerful (or something like that).

One word of caution ..... if he does try to contact you with an explantion, do please try to shut the door in his face. I let myself be "talked round" a couple of times by the shit mentioned above, to my ultimate detriment, even though I'd already begun to question things (god, how I kick myself now with hindsight). Remember that if there was a genuine reason for all the stuff you've been told, there would have been absolutely no reason why he couldn't have told you immediately you brought it up.

You're very well rid and I hope you should be drawing strength from the way you handled it.

God Tamz, what an awful thing to happen. Impressed by your dignity and self respect throughout.

I am sure you have thought about this already but do get yourself checked out in case he was lying about anything else.

Well done for getting shot of him.

Do you think his mum's in the phonebook...?

Actually I wonder whether he has a parallel family somewhere, hence not meeting his Mum and him being away for his b'day.
But the main point is not what he might have been doing but that he was lying to you in a deeply despicable way - as Catsmother so eloquently points out.

Tamz, did you meet him on the internet?

My first boyfriend was like this, I was with him a whole year without me actually realising that he already had a girlfriend and I was actually "the other woman". It seemed everyone in town knew except me.

Well done for handling him so very well, Tamz. I just read your posts out to DH and he was appalled anybody could be such a - well, a dickweed liar, though that's not how he put it.

I shared a house with several blokes when I was at university - one turned out to be a thief who thought nothing of robbing his housemates (nice) and bashing the place up when we challenged him, the other had a grandmother die whenever anybody questioned him about any of his other massive untruths (I think he had six grandmothers die one year, then talked about seeing his nan one weekend). I've seen the latter on facebook and avoided getting in touch with him - he had two kids in his profile pic, so I do wonder if his DW/DP is current or ex...

Just updated myself on what's been going on with you, Tamz. I just wanted to applaud you for being so strong and true. Who knows why your ex told such a hideous lie, but all we do know is that that sort of behaviour isn't healthy and is a massive indicator that someone is not to be trusted (and probably not very well, tbh). Well done for being so brave, confronting the issue head on and refusing to put up with such bullshit.

Tamz77 - checking in to say I've been thinking of you, and hope you're feeling OK. Do post and let us know how you are.