Is there a doctor in the house? Feeling OH is lying about serious medical issue

[Tamz77]

Will try to keep this brief, but it's complicated.

Last Thursday my OH went into hospital to be tested for bowel cancer. Apparently, about a year ago he had a similar scare, had some tests and they proved negative. However the symptoms have reappeared and he was referred again.

My doubts have been raised by the following:

1. OH was referred in early December, having had renewed symptoms for a while, and didn't tell me until the week before he went into hospital.

2. When he did go in he asked me not to visit, he did text me while he was there, periodically, but didn't phone me at all.

3. The tests he was having supposedly involved the camera down the throat (having had the rectal camera test last year). However, when he came out he said this had involved him being under general anaesthetic for 18 hrs. When he said this I made a joke in reply, "That's not an examination, that's separating Siamese twins." A couple of friends I've mentioned it to have said quite seriously though that there's no way you could or would keep someone under that long unless it was indeed major surgery.

4. He said when he got out that 3 biopsies had been taken. Today he was called back to see the surgeon and told it WAS cancer, that they had completely removed a cyst during the 'op'. This is the first I've heard of any cyst removal, and anyway, could they do this without actually opening up the abdomen?

5. When he was in, he texted me to say the surgeon would be talking to him when he did his rounds on the Saturday. Everyone's telling me surgeon's don't do rounds at the weekend. This may be a minor detail.

TBH he's told me so much about his hospital stay, what he ate and who he chatted to etc, that if he was lying it would make him a complete psychopath. I'm not usually this paranoid but I HAVE caught the guy lying about several small things in the time we've been together, mostly to do with past relationships or things he's done, nothing huge just a bit of bullshit IYKWIM. I feel awful doubting a potential cancer sufferer but friends are outright suspicious and the 18hrs of anaesthetic issue in particular is one I can't get past. It was his birthday the day he went in, I'm wondering if he was actually away for a rude weekend with someone else and his alibi has just kind of snowballed.

Any advice from medical-type people would be appreciated!

Oh, he's also never mentioned having the barium enema, which maybe he's left out for reasons of personal discretion, but it is a routine test for bowel cancer and I thought he might have mentioned it.

There's someone lovely for you. I wonder what he looks like? He's honest and kind, you will find love again if you want to.

I think the thing in situations like this to to always trust your gut feeling.

I remember reading something in a magazine like chat (or something similarly dodgy) where a chap lied about having cancer and being in hospital exactly like this.

I know you feel terrible but honestly he's not good enough for you - well done for being so strong.

Oh Tamz. You poor thing- well done for being so strong- mb is right, he's a total waste of space. It's unforgiveable to have lied about having cancer. You've been brilliant.

oh you were very brave i think so sorry he turned out to ne a totally wanktwattosser

but at least you found out so thats a good thing

i imagine you feel rubbish now but you will find someone better or they will find you

hugs anyway xxxx babe

i really take my hat off to you. you behaved in an extremely dignified manner. well done.

i'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this wanker, and that he's broken your heart. you don't deserve it.

Please don't get hung up on trying to understand his behaviour.

Some behaviour is just insane, selfish, cruel and irrational. It doesn't make sense.

He is obviously pretty sick in the head. Thank God you found out now before you have a bank account/mortgage/child with him and he behaved like this.

You have been really strong and brave. Well done!!!

you are amazing Tam - fucking amazing.

keep that strenght ove the next few days/weeks

chocchip is so right - don't even try to understand this moron (sorry but hes not a bastard - you have to be a man to be a bastard and hes def not a man!)

It is not worth while trying to work out why this sick person has told pathetic stories, thing is sadley he probably doesn't understand that it is so stupid to lie - he looks stupid and a nasty person by doing this. But it would be less painful to hit your head against a brick wall than figure it all out.

take care of yourself and have pride in how you handled it and got out.

Tamz, I'm so sorry for you, but agree you've handled this really well.

The guy is either a total creep (and an idiot to boot, if he was covering up for a weekend away, did he really think this was the best way to do it?!), or he has a problem. There is a condition called pseudologica fantastica - basically compulsive lying - a lot like a couple of posters before have described. Little tales then wilder and wilder stories. I came across it as a psychiatry doctor in my training as a GP, and it was really astonishing. In the end, you become unable to trust a single thing the person says. It's not your problem - you need to steer well clear, but he needs help. Or a slap. I've often wished I could prescribe those in practice...

tamz, at least you found out now rather than later. Just another frog you kissed on the way to finding your prince!

So sorry that your fears have been proved correct but you did exactly the right thing and I'm so impressed by the way that you handled it all.

Tamz, hats off to you, you are a very brave and very dignified woman.

I hope that you get over this as quickly as you can and know that there are decent men out there

{{{hugs}}} to you

Thanks all. Still no word from the 'dickweed liar' lol. I know I shouldn't be wishing for contact but I kind of do, just out of curiosity to hear whatever explanation he must be brewing up. If he's even going to bother! The most obvious theory is that he was away with another woman for a dirty birthday weekend, but he's always been adamant that unfaithfulness is not in his make up, so maybe he'll just be too embarrassed to tell the truth about that.

Anyway I'm going to have an early night and numb my brain with sudoko and red wine, if I post any more right now I'll just start going round in circles!

Beware of devastating good looks everybody, and keep an ear out for those tall stories. I really am the last person on earth I thought could spend 7 and a half months with a boyfriend who's quietly deranged.

Aw, Tamz! That sucks!

I'm sorry he turned out to be such a dicksmack, but mentally shake hands with you for handling it as well as you did.

You deserve better than this!

You went with your gut and it was right. Well, it's not like your instinct is going to let you down - it's got your best interest in mind.

[Passes virtual glass of wine to Tamz]

tamz, what a shame, although well done for being so adult about everything.
i understand that you were half-joking about the bad love karma, but i'm being more than half-serious. bad men look for nice women who've been kicked a bit by life, but you're getting stronger and stronger and won't attract that type in the future i hope.

Well done Tamz but sorry you've been hurt by this.

Just read this thread, well done for getting out now, I know it must hurt like hell though . Just think what sort of expense a man like that could cost you if he'd gotten away with it, he would have got bolder and bolder.

Have you actually met any of his friends and relatives? If so I would tell them what he's done - his poor ds could probably use some extra support with all the upheaval (not your fault). If not, I would assume he is a total psycho and stay well away.

Think you've done the right thing.
A good friend of mine was married to a pathological liar. It was not a good thing. He couldn't stop and lied about all sorts of weird stuff.
They divorced a few years ago and friend can't quite believe she was in such a crap relationship for so long.
While it probably seems awful right now, you will look back and know you are well out of it.
Best wishes to you.

Well done tamz. You'll get over this quickly and well having walked away with your dignity.

Unbelievable.

My friend had a boyfriend that she went out with for several years. She was a student nurse in Oxford and he was a medical student at Cambridge. They were together for about 3 years during which time he helped her through her father's sudden death.

One day she got a phone call from a woman purporting to be his girfriend. It turned out that this guy had 11 girlfriends, two of whom he was engaged to. Several had loaned him large sums of money or bought him cars. He had told them all he was a doctor / ned student when in fact he worked in a dry cleaners.

Lying about having cancer though is lower than my friend's ex by a long shot.

Some people are just off their nut.

Sorry this has happened to you, Tamz77.

I watched an incredible program about a woman who did this. She married someone, and said she'd come into a big inheritance. They went out and spent lots of money (on his credit card), then her 'cancer' came back (she'd told him it had been treated and she was in remission.) She kept going to hospital and having expensive treatments and lay around the house retching, with her hair and eyebrows shaved off. It was only when the stepdaughter and a neighbour got suspicious and checked out her surgeon's name that they realised she was probably lying. They went to the police and found she'd got convictions for fraud and the police were looking for her. Turned out she had a husband and children, who she had mentioned, but had for some reason had said that one of her children was dead! She had also conned other men in between these marriages. At the end of the program she told the interviewer that she was on medication for manic depression, when pressed as to the name of her drugs she couldn't answer...

Tamz, what a wank. You are better off without him. You have dealt with this brilliantly though, hats of to you

Must be frustrating to not have closure on this though.

Well done Tamz. I stayed with my deranged lying XP for about 2 years and it cost me a fair bit of money (still, at least I never married him or moved in with him or had DC with him, phew!). He's either a complete tosser or mentally ill - and judging by his reaction when you spoke to him, I'd say more tosser than mental case.

for you Tamz but I think you handled this amazingly. Well done.

But still very and

Only just caught back up with this but just wanted to say well done Tamz-you have shown amazing strength and courage.
WHo knows the reasons or what the outcome may be but you have been brilliant in you rhandling of the situation.
Sleep well.