Is there a doctor in the house? Feeling OH is lying about serious medical issue

[Tamz77]

Will try to keep this brief, but it's complicated.

Last Thursday my OH went into hospital to be tested for bowel cancer. Apparently, about a year ago he had a similar scare, had some tests and they proved negative. However the symptoms have reappeared and he was referred again.

My doubts have been raised by the following:

1. OH was referred in early December, having had renewed symptoms for a while, and didn't tell me until the week before he went into hospital.

2. When he did go in he asked me not to visit, he did text me while he was there, periodically, but didn't phone me at all.

3. The tests he was having supposedly involved the camera down the throat (having had the rectal camera test last year). However, when he came out he said this had involved him being under general anaesthetic for 18 hrs. When he said this I made a joke in reply, "That's not an examination, that's separating Siamese twins." A couple of friends I've mentioned it to have said quite seriously though that there's no way you could or would keep someone under that long unless it was indeed major surgery.

4. He said when he got out that 3 biopsies had been taken. Today he was called back to see the surgeon and told it WAS cancer, that they had completely removed a cyst during the 'op'. This is the first I've heard of any cyst removal, and anyway, could they do this without actually opening up the abdomen?

5. When he was in, he texted me to say the surgeon would be talking to him when he did his rounds on the Saturday. Everyone's telling me surgeon's don't do rounds at the weekend. This may be a minor detail.

TBH he's told me so much about his hospital stay, what he ate and who he chatted to etc, that if he was lying it would make him a complete psychopath. I'm not usually this paranoid but I HAVE caught the guy lying about several small things in the time we've been together, mostly to do with past relationships or things he's done, nothing huge just a bit of bullshit IYKWIM. I feel awful doubting a potential cancer sufferer but friends are outright suspicious and the 18hrs of anaesthetic issue in particular is one I can't get past. It was his birthday the day he went in, I'm wondering if he was actually away for a rude weekend with someone else and his alibi has just kind of snowballed.

Any advice from medical-type people would be appreciated!

Oh, he's also never mentioned having the barium enema, which maybe he's left out for reasons of personal discretion, but it is a routine test for bowel cancer and I thought he might have mentioned it.

A GF's 'D'H pretended he had testicular cancer, he was a pathological liar (imho).

She never confronted him (they eventually split for other reasons) although she did phone his GP and asked him, who told her he had no idea what she was talking about.

TheUrdanDrayad his name wasn't Stuart was it?

removal of an LVAD and transplanting a new heart only took 8 hours.

he is lying to you.

I had a colonoscopy 2 years ago. It took 20 minutes, no anaesthetic, either General or Local.

14 hours just cannot be true. Sorry.

Have you asked him why he had to have a general anaesthetic for a procedure which is only ever done under local?

Not going to get much sleep tonight.

He's coming for dinner tomorrow, so will get into it a bit more then.

Thanks again, all of you.

It does sound pretty dodgy (though, with no disrespect to anyone on here, none of the other posters on this thread have met your DP or indeed given him any medical treatment and none of us have any objective proof that anyone who states on an internet forum that they are a doctor/nurse/lawyer/corgi gas fitter is telling the truth). Idated a pathological fantasist for over a year a long time ago, and it's an awful situation to be in because you never ever quite get over the paranoia and are rarely able to give anyone the benefit of the doubt again. Your bloke may be
a) lying to cover up the fact that he is shagging somene else
b) lying for sympathy and attention
c) lying because he has some kind of personality disorder that means he really believes his own imaginings (like my long-ago X). But unless you're madly in love with him, you might be best off making your excuses and running like fuck in the opposite direction.

What is is saying is not remotely plausible. My brother has colon cancer so I know a bit about the sort of treatment. And what your OH is saying could not possibly be true.

wow, he's recovered remarkably quickly for having had such major surgery!

i only had major surgery on my leg and i still felt like shit a week later. it was performed under spinal anaesthesia, too.

I'm a nurse and I never heard anything like this in my life. Sorry.

i think you should serve him some invalid food, his gut would still be reeling from the anaesthetic.

how about some mashed potatoes, a bowl of broth and some jelly for pud?

I think if I were in your position I would like to see some proof that he was lying before I could end the relationship. It's easy for us to say that we think he may be lying, but we are not involved with him. I don't know how much you want to show that you doubt his word, but a concerned partner surely would be able to ask what hospital he was being treated in and what was the name of his surgeon. You might have a friend with medical experience he could talk to. Even if you don't get a definite answer tomorrow, he may say some more things which you can then check out.

Just have it out with him Tam. Face to face. Ask to see letters, documents etc that relate to his condtion and the procedures he's had done. If he's not lying, he will be able to produce them even if he's angry about you doubting him. MAKE him prove it to you. The relationship is already in trouble, I don't see you have much to lose.

Thinking of you. Deception (or fear of it!) is horrible.

if you ask for the name of his surgeon ask to his face before he has a chance to look one up

then you can look it up when he's gone

Are you sure he was even in hospital? I'm thinking a long sunny weekend away with some bint is what he's been up to... Sorry, but had to ask.

well, everyone knows i'm a cynic so i say to duchesse, 'snap!'

fwiw, my sister's uber-evil ex managed to keep up a very complicated and involved string of lies for several years, without her really guessing a thing. He is a psychopath, for want of a better word- a guy (ha! overgrown 2 yr old more like) determined to get his way at all costs, yeah unto re-writing reality to suit himself. Beware...

another possibility is that he lying about the 14 hours but not about the cancer bit. maybe he wants lots of sympathy or something which is why he's said that
it is entirely feasible that he had a polyp removed (not usually under GA but again maybe) and they found precancerous cells, or small bits of cancer that hasn't invaded the bowel so not dangerous if they got it all- its totally reomoved and that he doesn't need any chemo etc. that is a plausible medical scenario but some of his details are sketchy (eg results on a sunday etc - unless it s a private hospital?)
if it is a cancer it sounds like they have got it all so you can relax

just a thought - the underlying diagnosis may be correct just the details he's exaggerating...

Is this about attention seeking over fictitious cancer or about using being in hospital as cover for an affair?

I would be inclined to the latter, unless you think it unlikely

Dear Tamz

Forget the medical detail. The one huge clanging bell that is ringing here for me is that he asked you not to visit. I'm sure he told you why not - some excuse. But at the end of the day he didn't want you there - because he wasn't there???

Did you try to visit?

Have you ever given or lent him money?

Have you met his friends and family?

Do you have his parents' telephone number?

How well do you know him outside of what he has told you?

I'm not seeking answers from you, just posing questions that would help me judge in that situation how well I knew someone.

Do you know his family? Saying lies to you is one thing, but is he lying/exaggerating the truth to his family too? If I was in your position I think I'd phone his mum or sister and simply say something along these lines: OH has told me about having cancer and I want to do something special for him as a surprise, and was wondering if you know what he'd like, or where he'd like to go for a meal/weekend away. That sort of thing. If it's a surprise to them, then you know. If the story is consistent then the options are a) he's telling the truth, or b) he lies to everyone (and if everyone on here is doubting his integrity) then they would have doubts too. Either way, you should get some support or at least it would open discussion with them. Of course, if you haven't been introduced to his family, you might want to wonder why.

Fwiw, I'm sure he's lying. A camera down the throat is not used for diagnosing bowel cancer. He would need a camera through the back passage. Both procedures are usually done with a little sedation, not GA, and as an outpatient. Routinely the procedures take less than an hour. 'Cysts' are benign and are very rarely termed 'cancer'. I've never heard of an 18/14 hour operation on the abdomen where the abdomen wasn't opened. Yes, there is keyhole surgery, but this takes nowhere near as long. Has he said this is what he had, because he would have had several little incisions on his abdo where the cameras went in. He may have had a few stitches, at the very least healing wounds. If the surgery was done via the rectum then he's quite comfortable discussing 18hours of instruments up his bum, but why not want to discuss a 20 minute barium enema? Don't get that. And if he'd had a barium enema, he would have had laxatives for 2 days to clear him out.

On a more positive note, I know a lot of consultants who work on a weekend, so I wouldn't dismiss him on that score. Also, for a lot of people with bowel cancer, the first step on the diagnosis path is having to provide 3 poo samples to check for blood in the poo. You mention he said he had 3 biopsies. I wander if he is grossly exaggerating the truth. Maybe he has had to provide 3 samples because he is genuinely worried about some symptomes, and somehow for reasons best known to himself this has been translated into 3 biopsies during an 18/14 hour operation involving a hospital stay.

Alarm bells are ringing for you. Trust your gut reaction.

It does sound odd, things don't add up. I think it is more likely that he is using his 'stay' in hospital as a cover up. You say he could give you lots of info and details about his meals etc. In my experience men don't pay attention to details like that. It seems as if he has TOO much information to give you, like it's all been carefully thought out.

That aside I once knew a woman who pretended she had cancer, she even let the local fire service to do a sponsored pole jump for her and took the money She was barking mad and was discovered in the end, as all liars are.

my friend had 2 brain tumors removed and was only under anaesthetic for 9 hours

i still hold with my original view ask him to produce evidence I don't see how that can do any harm at all..just tell him that you don't believe him

I've only skimmed this thread so I'm not sure if anyone else has made this point but, if they'd find any cancerous cells anywhere, he'd have had a scan to check for secondary cancer. Has he mentioned that?

If he really had been in hospital, he'd have referral and appointment letters. Can you ask to see those? He'd have an appointment card for any follow-up appointments. Also, he'd have had bloods taken and, if he'd been under GA for 14 hours (which I don't believe for a second) he'd have been on a drip. Check his arms and the back of his hands for needle marks. Also, if he'd been under any sort of anaesthetic, even sedation, he would have been advised to have someone pick him up and stay with him for several hours afterwards. My DH has had endoscopies, each time under sedation, in and out in a couple of hours but I've always had to collect him and they've always asked if someone will be with him for 24 hours afterwards.

Speaking as someone with a husband who has a genuine diagnosis of cancer (and not curable, at that), I can assure that that he certainly would not be 'full of beans'.