Is there a doctor in the house? Feeling OH is lying about serious medical issue

[Tamz77]

Will try to keep this brief, but it's complicated.

Last Thursday my OH went into hospital to be tested for bowel cancer. Apparently, about a year ago he had a similar scare, had some tests and they proved negative. However the symptoms have reappeared and he was referred again.

My doubts have been raised by the following:

1. OH was referred in early December, having had renewed symptoms for a while, and didn't tell me until the week before he went into hospital.

2. When he did go in he asked me not to visit, he did text me while he was there, periodically, but didn't phone me at all.

3. The tests he was having supposedly involved the camera down the throat (having had the rectal camera test last year). However, when he came out he said this had involved him being under general anaesthetic for 18 hrs. When he said this I made a joke in reply, "That's not an examination, that's separating Siamese twins." A couple of friends I've mentioned it to have said quite seriously though that there's no way you could or would keep someone under that long unless it was indeed major surgery.

4. He said when he got out that 3 biopsies had been taken. Today he was called back to see the surgeon and told it WAS cancer, that they had completely removed a cyst during the 'op'. This is the first I've heard of any cyst removal, and anyway, could they do this without actually opening up the abdomen?

5. When he was in, he texted me to say the surgeon would be talking to him when he did his rounds on the Saturday. Everyone's telling me surgeon's don't do rounds at the weekend. This may be a minor detail.

TBH he's told me so much about his hospital stay, what he ate and who he chatted to etc, that if he was lying it would make him a complete psychopath. I'm not usually this paranoid but I HAVE caught the guy lying about several small things in the time we've been together, mostly to do with past relationships or things he's done, nothing huge just a bit of bullshit IYKWIM. I feel awful doubting a potential cancer sufferer but friends are outright suspicious and the 18hrs of anaesthetic issue in particular is one I can't get past. It was his birthday the day he went in, I'm wondering if he was actually away for a rude weekend with someone else and his alibi has just kind of snowballed.

Any advice from medical-type people would be appreciated!

Oh, he's also never mentioned having the barium enema, which maybe he's left out for reasons of personal discretion, but it is a routine test for bowel cancer and I thought he might have mentioned it.

Is this thread over ?
Have we concluded that he is def a pathological liar ?
Agree with Zippi - He will have letters. Nearly all Consultants write letters (their secretaries obviously, not them !!) these days.
Both Dh and I have had about 7 appointment letters and about 3 Consultant letters in the last 2 months.
Where are all his ?

ask him what the surgeon's name is, and then google him.

i don't think you have to be cautious or devious..just approach him directly

if he gets angry and defensive then he is lying

if he produces evidence then you can discuss exactly what is the matter

i don't think he'll have any tho

in which case call it

i don't think you can outright accuse someone of lying about cancer unless you're absolutely sure or you think the relationship is over anyway.

i have heard many times of this happening ask him what ward it was he was on again and go up to the hospital say my husband was on so and so ward he believes to have lost his reading glasses give dates he was in

if you have ward name then they should be able to track him straight away

hope he wouldnt lie but i do know someone that did the not wanting partner there at time of need gave it away as many couples would hate to be away from there loved ones times like this

also when he was having 18 hr op did you get texts in that day?

ask also any nurses names as you want to send a thank you and a donation as your so grateful for them looking after him

I think he is a compulsive liar - some people say they have cancer for attention, its pathetic really.

nortynamechanger - no, Jason!

Tamz, hope you're feeling as ok as you can be this morning, was thinking of you last night.

warthog- if he is lying on this scale, then teh relationship is pretty much dead in the water anyway. Funny that he has a very nasty illness that he might feel squeamish discussing, and can be investigated/ treated via the back passage- ie no stitches...

Until we discovered the depths of my sister's ex' deception, we could have had no idea that someone so plausible could be such an utter shit.

agreed duchesse - but i do think you need proof before you accuse someone of that scale of lying. very hard to recover your relationship if they ARE telling the truth but just stretching it a little.

Can you check his phone to see if he made/received any calls or texts during the time he was supposedly under anaesthetic. A bit sneaky, I know, but it might give you some answers.

FGS if she really wanted to find out if he is lying she could. Just phone the hospital like someone esle suggested, say he left something behind blah blah and I bet they have never heard of him.

If this story is true I will be very surprised.

Tamz - have you met his friends or family? have you been to his home? is he still withholding his home tel no when he calls you?

Dh had a general anaesthetic for a liver biopsy and an endoscopy, it was nothing like 18 hours! Less than an hour in fact. He was wiped out the next day, but he was very ill anyway at that point.

It can take a while to get histology done, it did for dh. However that told him that they had found tumours, and that they were waiting on further details. I feel sure that this is the norm in such situations.

Ok if he is certain it is an endoscopy then it is BS. on my GI ward the longest, most complicated op we do is usually around 10 hrs. Then they have to go and spend a day or two in ITU. Then they are not usually eating or drinking anything for a couple of day other than sips.

The vast majority of endoscopies on 'well' people are done under sedation, not GA. If he were under for that ling there would be all sorts of physiological effects - he'd be lucky to be out in two weeks!

On some level, for some reason I'm without doubt he is lying to you.

dh didn't have an endoscopy, he had a laperoscopy (the one where the cut a small hole in the abdomen wall, and stick in a fiber optic camer...that one!), more invasive than an endoscopy, and they took a biopsy of his liver secondaries. And he was out for less than an hour IIRC.

I agree with chocchipcookie - how convenient that you were told not to visit. (and how odd). How convenient that he texted but didn't call. How convenient that his phone was off while he languished 'under the knife' for 14 hours. How amazing that he turned up 'full of beans' after all that starving beforehand, minimal food afterwards, 14 hours under anaesthetic.

Give him an untimatum - either he shows you his admission letter , consultant's letter etc - or you dump him immediately. He is giving you the runaround.

And it makes no odds , really, whether his lies are attention seeking, psychopathic in some way or the deceit of a two-timing shag-bastard - you don't need to decide which it is - if he is lying, then he is taking you for a fool and you are seeking support and trying to feel special with a man who has total contempt for you.. It will never work.

I had a camera shoved dpown my throat. It was done as an outpatient appointment and I was out by lunchtime.

And after 20 minute operation (under general) for wisdom teeth it's fair to say that it was a good week before I could be described as "ful of beans"

Big questions over this for me too.

Sick beyond belief to pretend to have cancer

Some of us have it for real

i can smell the bullshit from here.
Its takes a very sick person to make up having cancer, it is an insult to people who really do have cancer like my Steve.

What a weirdo. I personally wouldn't bother asking for evidence of his hospital stay.
If he wasn't in hospital he is a complete weirdo and needs some serious help. If he was in hospital, he didn't want you there and that doesn't say much for your relationship (or his understanding of what a relationship should be). People in close relationships support one another through difficult times. Run, run.

He wasn't in hospital. He very likely went partying for his birthday weekend without you. Now whether that was with another woman or not is immaterial really. There is NO WAY that he wouldn't want you to visit if he was genuinely ill and tbh there is NO WAY that I could be kept away from my dp if he was having a serious surgery.

He has crossed a very serious line here, lying about such a heinous illness is beyond despicable and you would be very unwise to continue your relationship with him.

And he most likely thinks that because it is such a serious lie that you wouldn't question it. Horrible behaviour

My cousin told her parents she had cervical cancer and a hysterectomy. Only to have to tell them she was pregnant a year later!

cannot beleive you feel bad about questioning him last night !

ok, so he has slightly revised his story, but 14 hours under GA is bullshit

i hope you get some answers tonight

whatever his reason for lying, is it worth sustaining a relationship with someone who can attempt this kind of deception

and not to be bright enough to google it to get his story straight enough for you not to question

and little lies he has told in the past

i just could not be with someone who could lie so easily and not think about the repercussions

he could be hiding all sorts, a wife, a girlfriend, children you don;t know about or massive debts