Is there a doctor in the house? Feeling OH is lying about serious medical issue

[Tamz77]

Will try to keep this brief, but it's complicated.

Last Thursday my OH went into hospital to be tested for bowel cancer. Apparently, about a year ago he had a similar scare, had some tests and they proved negative. However the symptoms have reappeared and he was referred again.

My doubts have been raised by the following:

1. OH was referred in early December, having had renewed symptoms for a while, and didn't tell me until the week before he went into hospital.

2. When he did go in he asked me not to visit, he did text me while he was there, periodically, but didn't phone me at all.

3. The tests he was having supposedly involved the camera down the throat (having had the rectal camera test last year). However, when he came out he said this had involved him being under general anaesthetic for 18 hrs. When he said this I made a joke in reply, "That's not an examination, that's separating Siamese twins." A couple of friends I've mentioned it to have said quite seriously though that there's no way you could or would keep someone under that long unless it was indeed major surgery.

4. He said when he got out that 3 biopsies had been taken. Today he was called back to see the surgeon and told it WAS cancer, that they had completely removed a cyst during the 'op'. This is the first I've heard of any cyst removal, and anyway, could they do this without actually opening up the abdomen?

5. When he was in, he texted me to say the surgeon would be talking to him when he did his rounds on the Saturday. Everyone's telling me surgeon's don't do rounds at the weekend. This may be a minor detail.

TBH he's told me so much about his hospital stay, what he ate and who he chatted to etc, that if he was lying it would make him a complete psychopath. I'm not usually this paranoid but I HAVE caught the guy lying about several small things in the time we've been together, mostly to do with past relationships or things he's done, nothing huge just a bit of bullshit IYKWIM. I feel awful doubting a potential cancer sufferer but friends are outright suspicious and the 18hrs of anaesthetic issue in particular is one I can't get past. It was his birthday the day he went in, I'm wondering if he was actually away for a rude weekend with someone else and his alibi has just kind of snowballed.

Any advice from medical-type people would be appreciated!

Oh, he's also never mentioned having the barium enema, which maybe he's left out for reasons of personal discretion, but it is a routine test for bowel cancer and I thought he might have mentioned it.

Another thing just struck me. If it was true about the 18 hours then you'd defend it wouldn't you. If it wasn't true you'd panic that you were being found out, thus the slight decrease in time. Sadly, I think he's lying but I know not why...

How long you been seeing him? He sounds like a bit of a non-starter really.

Thanks again for all replies. I think my now ex OH and I have just gone through the final act in this drama.

This morning I went to the hospital he had supposedly been staying at, went to the admissions desk and said I was trying to get to see my brother (gave OH's name) who had been admitted last Thursday for an endoscopy/colonoscopy, as I'd not heard from him since. The first thing the receptionist said was, "Colonoscopy? That's usually done as a day surgery, he'd be long gone by now." She didn't want to tell me anything because of patient confidentiality, but I got (genuinely) a bit tearful and she asked for his DOB and address.

He's not been seen at that hospital at all, for any reason, since 2006.

They don't even have his current address, only the previous one that he moved out of about ten months ago.

So that was that, I left. OH had been conspicuously avoiding me all day, I finally got a text from him this afternoon asking if he and his son were still OK to come over for dinner/sleepover as prearranged. I said no, I wasn't feeling well, "for various reasons." He asked if he'd upset me in anyway, I replied, "You tell me, have you done anything I might be upset about, if I were to find out?" He said no.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I drove to his house on a whim, he was in, I said that I was going to ask him one question and that he should think very carefully before answering. "Where were you last Thursday to last Sunday?" He thought for about 0.2 of a second and replied, "At the hospital." I said OK then, and just asked him to give me all the stuff I'd left at his house. He did so, very quietly. Then as I was getting back in the car he said, "Is that it then?" So I said, "Yeah, unless you've got an explanation about where you were." He said, "I was at the hospital." Maybe I shouldn't have told him but I did, I said I'd been into the hospital myself and that they had no record of him since 2006. Then I said, "Wherever you really were, I hope you had a lovely time," and drove off.

This was a good couple of hours ago now. Haven't heard from him since. I'm incredulous, and devastated. More incredulous I think. I couldn't even lie about the time I went to bed last night without having heart palpitations. How can someone do this?

Thanks again for advice and support, you've been great, I don't have many people to talk to in RL.

Hugs, I really can't think of anything else to write apart from you are better off without him but that doesn't stop it hurting like hell now.

Oh Tamz i am sorry that he's lied to you like this but I think you've had a lucky escape to find out now

Message withdrawn

Tamz I am so sorry. You were really brave and you deserve so much better. There is a much nicer man out there waiting for you.

Oh you poor thing, but well done for being pro-active and strong.

so sorry. at least you know now. take care of yourself

What an unmitigated bastard he is. What an utter, fucking slimeball excuse for a man and waste of fucking oxygen.

To pretend to have cancer! If there is any form of Karma that runs in this life, he shouel bloody get cancer and then see how he likes it.

You are so much better off without him. you are worth so much more.

my heart goes out to you well at least you found this out now and can breathe a huge sigh of relief

i know your hurt but once things have calmed down you'll realise you dont need sto be with somone like this you deserve more

big hugs x

he sounds like a complete psycho. you are better off without him.

Also, I mean, of all the lies a person could tell....4 days in a cancer ward?!?! If he wanted a dirty weekend away with someone he could have just said he was going to stay with friends for a few days.

God knows I am never going to understand this one but I wish I could! Always regretted not taking Psychology at uni lol.

Of course a significant part of me wished he had followed me home with some kind of explanation, even if it was 'the truth' about another woman. Not knowing really is quite difficult.

Am also half expecting the 'explanation' to be that he lied about being in hospital to cover up being in prison or something lol.

Have to laugh or I'll cry buckets! This was my first relationship after 4 yrs of nothing and before that a bad one with DS's father. I've got some seriously bad love karma from somewhere.

Congratulations on being so strong to walk away.

It will hurt for a good long while but you will get through this and there is someone right for you out there that will treat you well.

Message withdrawn

(can I just say how much I like the phrase 'dickweed liar' I intend to store it away for later use)

I didn't have anything useful to add to the advice you were given - but I am glad you've found out the truth. You deserve someone much better than him.

Wow. I am SO impressed with how you've dealt with this. Really really thoughtful and principled. I think it's so good, the way you asked him, and then didn't give him the pleasure of a big reaction. I couldn't have done any of that.

i hope you get angry and stay angry and don't let any sympathy creep in. .what he has done is inexcuasable, he might come back with some sob story , but if he can lie about that, then he is not worthy of your trust or another minute of your time.

I too am really impressed with the way you have handled this situation. Good for you. Stay strong.

Good grief you poor thing. I hope he is truly ashamed of himself, and that the shame wakes him up at night

Hope you can move on with your life now Tamz.

Oh, Tamz, so sorry it worked out like this. FWIW, I think you've handled it really well.

(MB )

Sorry to hear that.

FWIW I think that you coped with this in an exceptional way. Very adult.

He, of the other hand is a toss pot waste of space