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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ex wife wants him back..

233 replies

CapriSun090 · 14/07/2022 14:40

Hi all, I was just hoping for some words of wisdom on how to deal with this situation because it is very raw and I feel very emotional. Please look at this objectively and I ask that the first response isn't "throw this one back" I just need some advice on what to do if anything.

I met a guy of tinder some while ago, he was very open from the get go and said he was separated but not yet divorced. He explained his wife and him drifted apart owing to the nature of his work and lock down making it worse. They share a pre-teenage daughter whom he sees at weekends.

Twice during the relationship he told me I deserved better and tried to push me away, but I told him no, I took a chance on him because he was decent and kind, made me feel like I mattered and I truly believed he was my one.

Some months went past and we have settled nicely into a relationship and then he is due for promotion at his work place. His workplace want him to spend some time overseas also.

Upon handovers with his wife he informed her of this and this has started to pique her interest.
A further two times he told me she got upset that he was going away and that he should be accompanying her and their daughter on a trip abroad they have in the summer instead of going overseas to work.

I have to stress this man has been nothing but open and honest with me about everything, I fully believe he was/is separated and wasn't just biding his time.

This week, his wife asked to meet with him after work and he went there and she has in essence said they should put their differences aside and try again for the sake of their daughter.

This prompted him to immediately send me a war and peace message with how much he loves me but he wants more time with his daughter and he is torn.

We spoke on the phone and please believe me when I say he was distraught, over and over again he kept telling me he loved me, I have never known anyone to have been so upset. He said he loves me, but he also loves his daughter and having the chance to have her back home as he missed out on the early years through work it is pulling him greatly. He said he thought we should seperate whilst he thought about things as it wasn't fair to me to keep me waiting.

I was brutally honest with him on the phone and said that if he goes back, to never contact me ever again if this doesn't work out.

He said a life going back to his wife would be miserable and they would be more like brother and sister or house mates, there is zero passion in their relationship and he is not in love with her... even he said he did not know how he would be able to do it, but he is considering it for the sake of his daughter.

We exchanged various WhatsApp's over the course of the evening and he reiterated that he has not said yes to her and that he has just said he needs time to think because it has been almost three years of separation.

When I went to sleep, he sent me a message whilst I was asleep to tell me he couldn't have me walk out of his life and he'll tell her no, the current set up with his daughter is working fine and after his promotion he is likely not even get to see her that much during the week in any case.

In essence, this feels to me like he acted in haste by messaging me immediately after meeting his wife and he regrets it.

Just to be clear, it is the wife that wants him back and not the other way around.

I told him I am angry in the way in which he has handled things, and thought we would deal with this together rather than him saying we should separate via text message, this felt so disrespectful.

I am now torn as to what to do, he is about go away for several weeks and I will not see him (no he isn't going away with the wife)

I have been proud and not messaged him since we spoke last.

To be honest, I feel pretty heartbroken.

I feel like I was just an after thought and he had absolutely no respect for me whatsoever to send me a message.

I feel like he will forever be beholden to the wife and that she has this hold over him with his daughter as the daughter lives full time with her (he only sees her at weekends)

He's expressed he cannot let me walk out of his life after consideration and is begging me not to block and delete him, however once again, I feel like an afterthought.

Please tell me what I should do because every fibre of my being wants to call him to say ok let's try again, but the pride in me is refraining because I told him he would only have one chance of happiness.

Does he sound genuine? a chancer? like someone who has made a mistake?

I just don't know.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/07/2022 08:41

CapriSun090

that motherfuxker needs to stop texting

you said it’s over
and what does he do
NOT LISTEN

ugn

Lilliesbloom · 18/07/2022 08:42

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/07/2022 08:41

CapriSun090

that motherfuxker needs to stop texting

you said it’s over
and what does he do
NOT LISTEN

ugn

Exactly, he isn’t respecting your boundaries at all. He is showing you who he really is

OrlandointheWilderness · 18/07/2022 08:47

He doesn't actually love you.

TeeBee · 18/07/2022 08:53

Any time a man has said I'm too good for him...he has always been correct. Every time! He's telling you something you haven't found out about him yet.

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 08:58

Ok..so now this morning I've received a text from a different phone to say he misses me so much.
It's quite clear he's not respecting boundaries after I've told him several times not to contact me.

What shall I say next, I don't want to be abusive.

OP posts:
SkeletonFight · 18/07/2022 09:08

Say nothing , just block.

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 18/07/2022 09:22

CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 08:58

Ok..so now this morning I've received a text from a different phone to say he misses me so much.
It's quite clear he's not respecting boundaries after I've told him several times not to contact me.

What shall I say next, I don't want to be abusive.

I'd say wheres your divorce papers.

ThanksAntsThants · 18/07/2022 09:28

Screenshot the message and block the number, and if he tries anything else contact the police.

i’m sorry he’s been such an absolute bastard to you OP. After being messed around a few times I’ve given myself a new rule, The first time they fuck me about they’re gone, because the first time is only ever the first time, it’s never the last time. I’ve never messed anybody about like that, if I’ve wanted to be with somebody I’ve been with them and they’ve been in no doubt, so I’m not putting up with it from anybody else. Promise yourself the same and never let anybody do this to you again. The first time they push you away you go, because it’ll always be the first time and never the last.

gogogadgetgo · 18/07/2022 09:31

He wants a response. So I'd block. Saying nothing is a response

But I would do as pp says. Screenshot everything. Including the times you've told him not to contact you

Anything else and I would contact the police. It's illegal as it's harassment.

I'm sorry. But at least he's showing his true colours now. He doesn't give a fuck about your feelings and boundaries. It's all about him.

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 09:36

I've just blocked that number now as another text came through saying all he keeps thinking of is me.
Not replying.

OP posts:
ThanksAntsThants · 18/07/2022 10:15

Unblock it, send one message:

I do not wish to hear from you or see you again. Do not contact me. I will not respond and I will not change my mind. If you attempt to contact me again via any means I will report you to the police for harassment.

then block.

poetryandwine · 18/07/2022 11:18

Hi, OP -

I’m glad the concept of reframing is helpful.

His latest moves are pathetic. They really show that it is all about him. Each person is probably telling you what they would do in your place, so I will do the same. Please regard these as suggestions only.

I would reply to one of the texts, reminding him that I had told him not to contact me until his divorce was underway. I would add that I find his current behaviour such a source of concern that (a) I would expect the first communication to include evidence of the filing and (b) I was now considering what stronger steps to take to prevent him contacting me in the meantime. I would add that he must stop now, very clearly.

I would put some effort into softening the wording of (a), keeping the meaning clear. But that may just be me. He sounds worldly enough to know that (b) means solicitor or police. This business of texting you from unknown phones is actually very ugly, though possibly he is consciously just selfish. Take care

PS And if he then persisted in texting I would reply to one text with a blunt warning that I would take the next one to law and then do it. (Unless it was the hoped for one, of course.) You will be facing a very small number of unwanted texts this way, if he values his reputation anything like I think he does.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/07/2022 13:58

This is a bit scary now
if someone blocked me the last thing I would do it get a burner phone to text them
hes Gone and got himself a Nokia or
something

the wording above is good
use it
yoh don’t deserve this

Aquamarine1029 · 18/07/2022 14:08

CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 09:36

I've just blocked that number now as another text came through saying all he keeps thinking of is me.
Not replying.

I hope you finally see what a creepy freak this man really is.

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 14:14

I think it's his work phone. He did have two phones when he was here last.. I have made it very clear now.. I've said I don't wish to speak to him again and if he messages me again it will be turning into harassment.

OP posts:
Original poster
CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 14:15

So awful to think just last week things were as perfect as they could've been.. Now it's just ruined because he's a coward.

OP posts:
courtrai · 18/07/2022 14:24

I've a 20 year history with my ex. We are divorced but nothing on gods green earth could entice me back into a relationship with that man with whom I share 2 kids. The fact he even considered it would be a deal breaker for me. Clearly she is very much still his wife. Should he contact you again tell him you will be printing all messages and passing these to his wife.

poetryandwine · 18/07/2022 15:19

Good job, OP. Stay strong

Sandra1984 · 18/07/2022 20:53

CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 14:14

I think it's his work phone. He did have two phones when he was here last.. I have made it very clear now.. I've said I don't wish to speak to him again and if he messages me again it will be turning into harassment.

You’ve blocked him but he’s not willing to respect your wishes or boundaries. With this man it’s all about him. He can’t care less about your needs and want you want, it’s always been about him. He’s going to be harassing you for a bit because the empathy factor is lacking.

Lilliesbloom · 18/07/2022 23:21

CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 14:15

So awful to think just last week things were as perfect as they could've been.. Now it's just ruined because he's a coward.

He’s a coward but also a massive narcissist.

My ex had 3 phones. One he would use to talk to me (and other women most probably), his “real” one that I had no idea about, AND a work one. One time he did the exact same thing to me and text me off his work phone when I’d asked him not to speak to me again, creepily similar to you

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 19/07/2022 10:10

How do you get past the sad feeling that you can't speak to someone anymore? I know he's being a d*ck and everything else, but during the time we were seeing each other we spoke every day at various intervals, now it's just 0..
I have been clear to him, but doesn't stop the sad feeling :(

OP posts:
Sunnydays78 · 19/07/2022 11:14

Get busy op do things for yourself that make you feel good. Make plans with friends and family, it will pass. I remember this feeling well, after a few weeks it became less and less. Sending hugs x

wibblywobblybits · 19/07/2022 11:15

Personally I don't think blocking people works, not in cases like yours anyway. Because you keep blocking and unblocking because you WANT him to message you and you WANT him to leave his wife and come running back to you. All your messages write like you're just convincing yourself you're ready to let go and move on with your life because everyone on here is convincing you that it's the right thing to do. Which of course it is, but you shouldn't live your life based on what a load of strangers on an anonymous Internet forum think. Especially one like this which is notoriously anti-men. The reality is, nobody is perfect. OF COURSE in an ideal world he would know he wants you from the day he first met you, and nothing and nobody would get in the way of that, but that's not everyone's story.

My parents have been happily happily married for 40 years, if you met them you'd say they were as close to soulmates as you could possibly get. But it wasn't always that way. My mother married another man very young, had my brother very young with this man, then met my father. They essentially had an affair while she was married to my brothers father, but stayed with her first husband for another 5 years, all the while back and forth with my father. My dad never gave up, he knew he loved her and knew she loved him, but despite what you keep saying, life isn't black and white.

I'm not saying unblock him. I'm not saying go back to him. I'm saying listen to advice on here if it helps you think more clearly, but at the end of the day this is your story and your life, you have to do what makes you happy not to what random old spinsters on MN tell you to.

poetryandwine · 19/07/2022 11:21

Of course you are sad. There is a lot going on. In my past experience the first week or so is very bad and then it does start to get easier. Slowly, maybe.

What helped me some was to treat myself very well during this time. And I think you said you have a DD? Can you plan something special with her?

It also helped me to remember that the reason I was going through the pain was that my eyes had finally been opened to the fact that the guy in question was incredibly self centred, to put it mildly. For a long time I thought it was my fault I never felt good enough and I finally realised it was his.

So even the worst of it was tempered by relief. I hope you are also experiencing some of that.

gogogadgetgo · 19/07/2022 11:33

wibblywobblybits · 19/07/2022 11:15

Personally I don't think blocking people works, not in cases like yours anyway. Because you keep blocking and unblocking because you WANT him to message you and you WANT him to leave his wife and come running back to you. All your messages write like you're just convincing yourself you're ready to let go and move on with your life because everyone on here is convincing you that it's the right thing to do. Which of course it is, but you shouldn't live your life based on what a load of strangers on an anonymous Internet forum think. Especially one like this which is notoriously anti-men. The reality is, nobody is perfect. OF COURSE in an ideal world he would know he wants you from the day he first met you, and nothing and nobody would get in the way of that, but that's not everyone's story.

My parents have been happily happily married for 40 years, if you met them you'd say they were as close to soulmates as you could possibly get. But it wasn't always that way. My mother married another man very young, had my brother very young with this man, then met my father. They essentially had an affair while she was married to my brothers father, but stayed with her first husband for another 5 years, all the while back and forth with my father. My dad never gave up, he knew he loved her and knew she loved him, but despite what you keep saying, life isn't black and white.

I'm not saying unblock him. I'm not saying go back to him. I'm saying listen to advice on here if it helps you think more clearly, but at the end of the day this is your story and your life, you have to do what makes you happy not to what random old spinsters on MN tell you to.

Do you want the op to go back to waiting for the poor man to figure out what he wants?

I'd say it to a man who was in the same situation. It's nothing to do with man hating.

I don't just like seeing people being treated like shit. She's being told to wait there while he chooses which woman he wants. I'm just saying the op has choices too. And my advice would be find someone emotionally available.

Spoiler alert. If they spilt up three years ago and he still doesn't know, it's not going to be quick and easy. He's asking the op to put her life on hold for him. AND that's if we take it all at face value.

I do agree though op. You sound like you're trying not convince yourself this is all true.

But I have to say it's not uncommon. A quick look on here you can see lots of women confused and bewildered that the man they'd been going out wasn't quite what they thought or behaved in a way they can't quite believe.

Allow yourself to grieve the man you thought he was. But remember he's not. You deserve someone who isn't going to make you do the pick me dance.