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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The ex wife wants him back..

233 replies

CapriSun090 · 14/07/2022 14:40

Hi all, I was just hoping for some words of wisdom on how to deal with this situation because it is very raw and I feel very emotional. Please look at this objectively and I ask that the first response isn't "throw this one back" I just need some advice on what to do if anything.

I met a guy of tinder some while ago, he was very open from the get go and said he was separated but not yet divorced. He explained his wife and him drifted apart owing to the nature of his work and lock down making it worse. They share a pre-teenage daughter whom he sees at weekends.

Twice during the relationship he told me I deserved better and tried to push me away, but I told him no, I took a chance on him because he was decent and kind, made me feel like I mattered and I truly believed he was my one.

Some months went past and we have settled nicely into a relationship and then he is due for promotion at his work place. His workplace want him to spend some time overseas also.

Upon handovers with his wife he informed her of this and this has started to pique her interest.
A further two times he told me she got upset that he was going away and that he should be accompanying her and their daughter on a trip abroad they have in the summer instead of going overseas to work.

I have to stress this man has been nothing but open and honest with me about everything, I fully believe he was/is separated and wasn't just biding his time.

This week, his wife asked to meet with him after work and he went there and she has in essence said they should put their differences aside and try again for the sake of their daughter.

This prompted him to immediately send me a war and peace message with how much he loves me but he wants more time with his daughter and he is torn.

We spoke on the phone and please believe me when I say he was distraught, over and over again he kept telling me he loved me, I have never known anyone to have been so upset. He said he loves me, but he also loves his daughter and having the chance to have her back home as he missed out on the early years through work it is pulling him greatly. He said he thought we should seperate whilst he thought about things as it wasn't fair to me to keep me waiting.

I was brutally honest with him on the phone and said that if he goes back, to never contact me ever again if this doesn't work out.

He said a life going back to his wife would be miserable and they would be more like brother and sister or house mates, there is zero passion in their relationship and he is not in love with her... even he said he did not know how he would be able to do it, but he is considering it for the sake of his daughter.

We exchanged various WhatsApp's over the course of the evening and he reiterated that he has not said yes to her and that he has just said he needs time to think because it has been almost three years of separation.

When I went to sleep, he sent me a message whilst I was asleep to tell me he couldn't have me walk out of his life and he'll tell her no, the current set up with his daughter is working fine and after his promotion he is likely not even get to see her that much during the week in any case.

In essence, this feels to me like he acted in haste by messaging me immediately after meeting his wife and he regrets it.

Just to be clear, it is the wife that wants him back and not the other way around.

I told him I am angry in the way in which he has handled things, and thought we would deal with this together rather than him saying we should separate via text message, this felt so disrespectful.

I am now torn as to what to do, he is about go away for several weeks and I will not see him (no he isn't going away with the wife)

I have been proud and not messaged him since we spoke last.

To be honest, I feel pretty heartbroken.

I feel like I was just an after thought and he had absolutely no respect for me whatsoever to send me a message.

I feel like he will forever be beholden to the wife and that she has this hold over him with his daughter as the daughter lives full time with her (he only sees her at weekends)

He's expressed he cannot let me walk out of his life after consideration and is begging me not to block and delete him, however once again, I feel like an afterthought.

Please tell me what I should do because every fibre of my being wants to call him to say ok let's try again, but the pride in me is refraining because I told him he would only have one chance of happiness.

Does he sound genuine? a chancer? like someone who has made a mistake?

I just don't know.

OP posts:
ILikeHotWaterBottles · 17/07/2022 08:39

If he calls you again, I'd tell him bluntly that he has two choices.

  1. Get a divorce pronto, no more stupid excuses and 'history' bullshit, and he can have a happy life with someone he apparently adores and loves (you)
  1. He goes back to his wife, his loveless marriage and goes back to still not seeing his daughter frequently anyway due to work.

Choice is pretty obvious when you put it like that, so if/when he bullshits you, you know he has been lying to you. Easier to bin him off then.

TooHotToTangoToo · 17/07/2022 09:29

Anyone who ummm and ahhhhh about being with me would be an ex, we all have history with ex, especially when dc are involved, but if he genuinely was completely in love with you, and wanted to be with you he would be with you, no hesitation. You've done the right thing op

SkeletonFight · 17/07/2022 09:32

Your title should have been " my BF wants to go back to his ex wife". Men can be very lazy creatures and it can be the easiest port in a storm.

poetryandwine · 17/07/2022 09:59

OP,

You are doing really well but I agree with @wellhelloitsme that reframing your language, even to yourself, to take back control might be helpful.

So he has finally told her about you and she is extremely upset? That just isn’t consistent with being separated for three years in any meaningful sense of the word.

Spohn · 17/07/2022 10:08

Just tell this boring loser to piss off, you’re his mistress, ffs, he’s married and wants his wife and you 🤢. You’ve only been dating a few months, it’s not worth thinking about for one second.

Lilliesbloom · 17/07/2022 10:15

Hi OP, I couldn’t read this and run. I’ve been through something very similar (except no kids involved) and I turned out to be the OW. Ask yourself what concrete proof he’s given you that you they were actually ever separated?

I wouldn’t leave the door ajar. I’d slam it shut. He may well try and circle back round to you. Even if he is separated, you weren’t good enough for him to fully sever ties with her now, so why would he do it in the future?

I would block him and move on.

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 17/07/2022 10:27

Thank you.. This is helping a lot.
I really do think its black and white.. If someone wants to be with you, they will.
He said he didn't expect me to put my life on hold for him, but what he's saying is that he does.
I am feeling really hurt because I've basically allowed him to pick me up and put me down..
He said he was completely honest with his wife and said he had met someone else and he was in love with them and they'd been intimate.. But it's not enough.
I felt like he just called me to clear his conscious and appease his guilt.. That's if he's feeling any.
All I know is if you're in this situation, you wake up and instantly think of one person, one person you'd do absolutely anything for to be with, one person makes you happier, one person you feel a natural pull towards... I know I would.
Thank you PP who said I should reframe the language that really helps.

OP posts:
Sandra1984 · 17/07/2022 11:10

"Please get back to me once you're living out of your family home and have signed divorced papers, anything else is not an option for me. In the meanwhile I'd rather we don't communicate as being the OW is very bad for my mental health".

Then you move on with your life. Don't engage more with this guy, he's looking for your attention. He wants his cake and eat it too. You've been the OW for three years. Enough is enough.

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 17/07/2022 11:32

I think what I found so awful was that he said if he decides to go back to his marriage he still wants to be part of my life, I said to him how will that make your wife feel then.. He said he would talk to her and tell her she had nothing to worry about.. I said, if your wife is the one you want to be with you should WANT to sever all ties with me completely.
It just says to me he wants to have his cake and eat it.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 17/07/2022 11:39

His comment from your last post is sowing you who he really is. Keep strong!

poetryandwine · 17/07/2022 11:40

‘Showing’, not sowing

Lilliesbloom · 17/07/2022 12:44

CapriSun090 · 17/07/2022 10:27

Thank you.. This is helping a lot.
I really do think its black and white.. If someone wants to be with you, they will.
He said he didn't expect me to put my life on hold for him, but what he's saying is that he does.
I am feeling really hurt because I've basically allowed him to pick me up and put me down..
He said he was completely honest with his wife and said he had met someone else and he was in love with them and they'd been intimate.. But it's not enough.
I felt like he just called me to clear his conscious and appease his guilt.. That's if he's feeling any.
All I know is if you're in this situation, you wake up and instantly think of one person, one person you'd do absolutely anything for to be with, one person makes you happier, one person you feel a natural pull towards... I know I would.
Thank you PP who said I should reframe the language that really helps.

Exactly, if he wanted to be with you, he would.

I don’t even think he called you to appease his guilt, I think he did it to try and convince you of the fake cover story, I.E, they’re separated and sort of getting back together. This throws you off the scent of thinking they’ve been together this whole time and so there are no repercussions for him.

Did you ever go to his house? Meet friends/family etc?

Sandra1984 · 17/07/2022 12:58

I believe he’s in pain because having the stable family home with wifey and the OW on the side is proving to be more difficult than he thought.

poor guy, sob sob 😭

Sandra1984 · 17/07/2022 13:02

@CapriSun090 I think what I found so awful was that he said if he decides to go back to his marriage he still wants to be part of my life,

of course he wants to be part of your life! It’s all about him with this man. He wants the family stability and the side bit. He doesn’t care that he’s crushing a person and stopping her from finding happiness with someone who would make her a priority.

Lilliesbloom · 17/07/2022 13:04

Sandra1984 · 17/07/2022 12:58

I believe he’s in pain because having the stable family home with wifey and the OW on the side is proving to be more difficult than he thought.

poor guy, sob sob 😭

Yes. He’s sad alright. Sad because he’s lost his OW who was new and exciting.

OP the man in my situation invited me to his house in the earlier stages as well, btw. It was lucky for him I said no because I had other plans. However, I can say with 100% certainty, if I’d had accepted, he’d have cancelled anyway as he was never going to have me over, his wife lived there!

I’m so sorry. My inbox is open if you want to talk as I’m going through something very similar.

SkeletonFight · 17/07/2022 13:16

Three flipping years 🙄😬 it's going to be hard but you know it will never get better.

CambsAlways · 17/07/2022 13:46

Dump him

Lozzerbmc · 17/07/2022 14:03

If he and wife were genuinely separated for 3 years i dont see why she would be upset he had met someone else. My exh dumped me out of the blue as he had affair, but 3 years later we were divorced and i had moved on… he has not treated you well.

i think reframing language as PPs suggested about YOU are moving on is excellent advice, its your life to take control of and you deserve better than being messed about by this man who really is only thinking of himself.

Jasjasrose1223 · 17/07/2022 14:57

OP you should walk away and forget about this man. You deserve better. Sorry to say but I don't think he has been honest with you. He is telling you his version of events and stories that he wants you to believe. You think he is open and honest because you trust him. But in fact you are believing the fairy tale he creates. The fact that he is still married says everything.

Leave him now you will thank yourself later.

Cheminaufaules · 17/07/2022 15:07

CapriSun090 · 17/07/2022 11:32

I think what I found so awful was that he said if he decides to go back to his marriage he still wants to be part of my life, I said to him how will that make your wife feel then.. He said he would talk to her and tell her she had nothing to worry about.. I said, if your wife is the one you want to be with you should WANT to sever all ties with me completely.
It just says to me he wants to have his cake and eat it.

'You have nothing to worry about' is exactly what my husband said to me about a female 'friend'.
You're so right about it being wanting to keep the cake and eat it.
Cheeky fucker.

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 17/07/2022 18:41

The advice telling me to reframe it has really helped. I've ended it with him and told him not to contact me again until he divorces his wife and my life moves on.

OP posts:
Lilliesbloom · 17/07/2022 21:54

CapriSun090 · 17/07/2022 18:41

The advice telling me to reframe it has really helped. I've ended it with him and told him not to contact me again until he divorces his wife and my life moves on.

Well done OP, that takes courage. Just be mindful to the likely possibility he will try and contact you beforehand. Stick to your boundaries otherwise he will walk all over them.

WafflesRMine · 18/07/2022 06:36

OP I am sorry you are going through this. Honestly, I think you have been duped from the start. Maybe hard for you to hear but if he succeeded in convincing you to stay in the relationship, he would have just concocted something else whenever you ask for clarification about what's going to happen. You didn't mention age, I don't even believe the financial side of his story. As you said, you have not stepped into his house you will never know. You didn't have to get on the bed but you should have checked it out. There are signs that can tell you whether he owns it or is a renter. Good you have put your foot down. You saved yourself some years of heartache, heartbreak and most of all dignity and self respect. Do not give in and engage unless he shows you genuine divorce papers. X

Original poster
CapriSun090 · 18/07/2022 07:48

I feel better today. I know it'll take some time. He text me again last night and I got the blocked notification of his text so I found the setting on my phone that notified you of blocked messages and switched it off.
The last thing I said is until he ends his marriage and divorces his wife he's not a free man and to not speak to me.
If he's even being honest with me I think he's been just keeping me on the sidelines whilst he sees what his wife will say or do about him being with someone else.
I hope she divorces him to be honest and he ends up with nobody.

OP posts:
FlibbertyGiblets · 18/07/2022 08:13

I hope you're okay. This can of worms can be a bit destabilising.